Sex: Is bad sex a “legitimate reason” to end a relationship?

Part 2.

Now if the man makes the woman feel beautiful and does not compare her to other women and the woman still is not interested in having sex, there is problem.

She could be someone who simply isn't interested in sex. Some people are not sexual. This is a deal breaker if you are in a relationship with this person and sex is part of that relationship. In this case, it doesn't matter what you do ("you can't teach your cat to bark").

Some women become lazy and even though you shower them with attention, they don't have sex with you because they are addicted to masturbation. They do it themselves so why rely on the man and this a very selfish behaviour (men can be the same way). Sex between couples is supposed to be about sharing and mutual giving. If a woman does her own thing and wants nothing to do with you, this is obviously a deal breaker too. It is typical for this type of woman to blame you instead of taking responsibility for her own addiction and her laziness, where she can't be bothered to teach you how to please her.

Some women use the feminist argument, "my body is my own" and refuse to have sex on the grounds that it is their right to refuse you. Of course the woman can say no but if she says no all the time, the man has the right to choose another mate who is sexually suited to him.

There has to be a lot of communication between couples so they know what to expect. I knew a woman who was shocked when she found out that her husband was cheating on her. She didn't have sex with him. She thought that holding hands was enough and commented that when they slept at night, she'd touch his shoulder. Sorry lady, that is not enough. She didn't have empathy for her husband's needs. She was satisfied holding hands. He wasn't. It was wrong for him to cheat but I was surprised at how shocked she was at his behaviour. It was like she thought that because she didn't need sex, he shouldn't need sex either.

It is about communication and defining what a deal breaker is, for the man and the woman.

Men have to realize that a woman needs to know that her mate finds her attractive; that is extremely important. If the man is ogling another women in front of his mate, the man has to realize that is going to affect his sex life with her. Most women are devastated when they find a playboy laying around. Their first thought is, "Aren't I good enough?" And when a woman feels unattractive she isn't interested in having sex. The man who says, "she needs to feel confident without me constantly reassuring her", is living in fantasy land. Most women are insecure about their looks (no matter what they look like). A blonde women will feel crushed if she finds her mate looking at an Asian woman and will think, "he doesn't find me attractive. I'm not his type". If a man had any brains he would make his mate feel like she was the most beautiful, sexual woman in the world. If she is thin, he would comments about how he likes her slender build; if she is roundy, he would say that he loves her full figure. Some men might think that if he gets the woman insecure by comparing her to other women she will be more keen to have sex to prove herself but this manipulative strategy will backfire big time. The man will have an insecure woman who changes in the closet, who doesn't want the man to see her naked and who is definitely inhibited. Men can talk about what women need to do to be good in bed until they are blue in the face-it won't matter unless the man makes the woman feel beautiful. I've seen men makes mistakes too many times. So men, don't leave the playboy around, do not ogle women (keep your eyes fixed straight and the woman will be impressed), don't talk about how you find an actress or a singer attractive (keep it to yourself). Even if the woman asks you, "Do you think she's pretty?"; don't fall for the trap. Shrug and say, "She's okay" and act disinterested. Honesty is the best policy? Not if you want a good sex life.

Well written article.. A good point of view..

Agreed. There is nothing shallow about needing good sex. Some of us figured that out long ago, thank goodness. Also, this is one more reason not to jump into marriage. If someone "switches," they'll likely do it during dating, at some point. The problem is that some individuals may not recognize what is happening, i.e., lack of sexual interest from their partner... more and more often. They remain in denial, I suppose.

By right or wrong, I assume you mean that all is fair in love and war. I would not agree that there is nothing in this world that is wrong... but that's another story. By the way, you've written a very useful hub on an important subject.

You made an excellent point about "deal breakers." If someone does have a mid to high libido, and at least some skill in lovemaking, there is no way they can be happy with someone who doesn't have either of those things. Best to end things (very) early. On the other hand, age or illness can change one's sexual appetite, in which case, patience is required, and expectations may have to be lowered or put on hold temporarily - out of respect for the union, provided a couple has otherwise had a successful marriage, especially in the area of intimacy. But make no mistake, lack of sexual intimacy (except in the case of a temporary illness) is a devastating problem, and is cause for great unhappiness. I would not stay.

I have to say that is one compelling article. You gave me another perspective on marriage and you really had me thinking. Much Love and Respect.

I agree with the communication part. Asking for it doesn't constitute receiving. It's just asking. I have had this discussion before. I believe if there is a lack in one area then there is bound to be a lack in this major area of the relationship. Voted up and useful!

I have been married for a long time but sexual relations within my marriage have always been a source of trouble for my marriage. As stated by dashing, we were emotionally and spiritually involved before we became physically involved. To be honest we didn't experience sexual intimacy until "after" we were married. To my disappointment my wedding night was very disappointing. Things were better at times during the children years off and on but now we are empty nesters it is obvious how sexually unsatisfied I am. He has been a wonderful husband to me and a great friend, but I have always been a very passionate woman and that never changed. He has never learned to satisfy my sexual needs. Some people just don't get it. It's like anything some people are better lovers than others and although we have been wonderful partners otherwise, our intimate relationship has been very unsuccessful and he has tried. For this reason I have never been truly happy in my marriage. Awhile back because of my husbands lackings I opened my heart and fell in love with a close friend. I have never acted on this love but I am unhappy and very torn. I have tried to forget him but the way I feel seems to get deeper. What advice would you give a friend of yours in a simular situation?

Great article- definitely some food for thought.

I don't necessarily believe in bad sex, but rather a bad connection. All sex starts in the mind first with attraction. Most of the time if you are really connected with someone, just for that reason alone the sex is great. If you believe they really are a bad lover, you can always teach them as well. Usually bad sex is triggered by something deeper.

Great article, Dashing. I will add that some couples after years of marriage will have a slow down for medical reasons.

A couple may have a great sex life in the beginning of their marriage being very compatible but later on the Mr. has heart or blood pressure issues requiring libido or erection altering medications. He doesn't always realize his libido has changed.

Communication is the key to a successful relationship. Sexual love isn't the only kind and sometimes simply hugging, cuddling and kissing keeps the couple happy.

A man who is a good husband and father in all ways but that one should not be discarded.

Agree. The key word though is compatability, if you're having bad sex with a partner, then it is a symptom of incompatibility or lack of true chemistry.

Sex is not 'the' major thing in a relationship, but it sits equally along with trust, communication, respect. It is an element which contributes to the whole. And as someone analogised above, if you've got a 3-legged chair, sure you'll sit on it for a little while, but then it will have to get fixed or you buy another one :)

Interesting read. Up