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Why Are You Blaming the Other Woman?

Updated on May 1, 2017
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As a psychology major at the University of North Texas, C. E. Clark found, and continues to find psychology endlessly fascinating.

Many times over the years I have listened to other women railing about women they believe are trying to tempt their husbands, boyfriends, lovers, or significant others, to cheat on them, or even to leave them. I have seen the resentment and anger and accusatory tones and looks that some women direct towards women they feel are competition or whom they believe are trying to ‘steal’ their man.

I have even felt hatred directed at myself because some women imagined I was a threat simply because of the way I looked! I did not know them or their SOs. I just happened to be in close proximity to them by chance.

While sometimes the ‘other woman’ is known, very often she is not known to the wife, or SO of the man involved. The only thing the ‘other woman’ knows is what the man has told her, and without reason not to, she believes what he tells her.

For the sake of expediency, I will refer to all of these; wife, lover, significant others, husband, etc., as SOs in this hub.

Your SO may tell her -- the other woman, that he is not married, or that he is divorced, separated, having a trial separation, or any number of things in order to deceive her. This is not her fault.

Over the years I have often seen how angry some women get at ‘the other woman,’ and I have heard them threaten bodily harm if she does not leave their SO alone. Sometimes these women have followed through and physically attacked ‘the other woman.’

Questions to Ask Yourself

What I have often wondered is why women do not hold their SOs responsible for their part in an affair or dalliance? Why do women not hold their SOs accountable for their behavior and actions?

Did the ‘other woman’ ever tell you she loved you? With all her heart and soul and that her love for you would last a lifetime?

Did the ‘other woman’ ever promise to be faithful to you forever?

Did the ‘other woman’ ever make marriage vows to you in front of a judge, a pastor, a priest, a congregation, a park full of guests, or anyone at all?

Does the ‘other woman’ have an interest, other than preventing an attack from you, in protecting your relationship?

Does the ‘other woman’ stand to lose you and your children if you have any, if she fails to cease and desist in her interest in your SO? Will she have to divide all of her worldly goods with you and pay child support if you decide to break it off with her?

If the answer to all of these questions is NO, then who has made these promises to you? Who does have an interest in keeping your family together?

It is your SO who has made these promises, if anyone has, and it is your SO who should have an interest in protecting your relationship and keeping your family together because they are his also.

So why are you blaming the other woman? Did she tie him down and force herself onto him? Does she hold a gun to his head and make him perform? Does she have 2 burly brothers who will beat your SO up badly if he does not do her bidding? Does she even know you exist?

Why Do Women Allow Men to Behave Irresponsibly and Blame ‘The Other Woman’ for What Their Men Have Often Instigated and Followed Through On?

One reason may be that women are afraid they will lose their SO if they demand accountability and responsibility from him. Some women would rather spend their lives in a miserable situation than to face the truth and deal with it. If he is a womanizer, where is the real loss if he decides to leave rather than changing his behavior?

Another reason may be that women cannot deal with realizing and accepting that their man lied to them and that in fact he is not happy unless he has a lot of variety in female company. No one likes to be ‘taken,’ in a lie. Knowing that you really are not the most important woman in his life after all, can be extremely hurtful. Many women choose denial rather than facing that painful truth.

Even so, blaming the ‘other woman,’ is not fair to her. You could just as easily find yourself in the position of being the ‘other woman’ because a man you were attracted to and wanted to trust lied to you about his real marital, or relationship situation.

Regardless of whether the ‘other woman’ shares blame or not, the fact is that HE made promises to you. She did not. HE is the one who has a lot to lose by messing around – she does not. HE is the person who made a commitment to you, while she did not. HE is the one who is accountable to YOU, she is not.

You may say, but he cannot help himself. Men cannot control themselves the way women can. Yes, if they want to control themselves, if they choose to control themselves, they can indeed do so. To suggest otherwise is to say they are weak and more importantly, inferior, and incapable of disciplining themselves. A mature, responsible man, will honor his commitment to you.

Put the Blame Where It Really Belongs

Stop blaming the other woman and put the blame squarely where it belongs. We are all responsible for our own words, behavior, and deeds. Your husband or SO is responsible for his own behavior, words, and deeds, just as we all are. To let him off the hook and blame someone other than him for what he is doing is to encourage more of the same behavior, and your life will be full of ‘other women.’ You will spend your life being angry at ‘other women.’ Is that really how you want to live the rest of your life?

The same is true if it is a wife or female SO who is the philanderer. More and more women, sometimes in an effort to achieve equality, are messing around behind their SO’s back. It is rare for women not to be held accountable in a situation like this since women have been blamed for anything and everything that goes awry in any relationship for the last many centuries, whether it was their fault or not.

Time to open our eyes and see things as they are. Time to realize that other women do not necessarily have an interest in looking out for our relationship, even if they do know it exists. Your SO has made a commitment to you. The person who makes the promises, the commitment, etc., is the person who is most responsible for following through on those promises and that commitment. If that person cannot keep their promise, then it may be time to rethink the relationship.

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