ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

I Have a “Girl” Friend Who Used to be a Dude…and Her Husband Doesn’t Know

Updated on May 16, 2009

Growing Up Transgender

So this is a uniquely weird situation...

One of my oldest friends…someone I’ve known since high school (I’m 40 now, people) was born as a biological male, but has since had sex change surgery to become a female.

Interestingly enough, this alone is not very sensational in today’s society…heck maybe lots of you know people who have gone through this or maybe you yourself are a person undergoing gender reassignment. It is a process…my friend (let's call her “Laura”) went through a stage that she herself describes as “looking like a monster”. Facial hair and masculine features but with long blond hair and breasts…having to ride the bus in Atlanta looking like that…scaring little kids on the street, to hear her tell it.  

We have always been close

When we were kids in high school and Laura was still a he (let’s call him “Chuck”), he used to come pick me up in the middle of the night. I would sneak out to meet him and we would drive downtown and drink beer and laugh and chase people around in what I realized later was a type of cruising game that many guys in small towns do with each other. With no real place to meet and a socially ingrained nervousness to meet in person anyway, guys follow each other around in their cars basically flirting and acting silly…it sounds so dumb now, but I guess if that’s all you’ve got…

I didn’t realize any of this at the time, of course and I doubt Chuck did either…we were too busy laughing, drinking and having fun.

So, fast forward about 20 years (to about 10 years ago…)

When Laura finally had the surgery, I was so proud of her. It may not be everyone’s goal in life to change their physical gender, but it was hers and she did it, in spite of incredible odds (no money, no support from family). I admire that kind of commitment.

When she was in the hospital I sent her flowers with a card saying “Congratulations! Welcome to the club!”

By the way, modern science is rocking out of control in this area. She showed me the “finished product” and I can assure you, no man will ever know the difference. Hell, I wouldn’t have been able to tell it was a "store bought P***y" (her term) if I hadn’t known.

But I digress. Now we get to the “weird part…

Laura still lives in the same town, which is not small per se but is not a metropolis either. It’s just the right size to run into people you have known for years about once every month or so. No one who meets Laura now would ever guess that it was “Chuck from high school”. Trust me on this. She turned out to be a beautiful woman and I have been there when people from high school years were around. No one even begins to recognizes her…which is kind of sad, really.

She can’t go up to people she knows and just say “hi” without first explaining a whole lot…who would ever go through that? It’s easier just to walk the other way. It’s like a big part of her life was just erased from existence.

And to top it off…even if she was inclined to go into that 30 minute explanation mode with every minor acquaintance, she can’t anyway because she is married to a man who has no idea that his wife was born a biological male!

Transgender Prom Queens

Her husband is a really nice guy. He owns his own business and works hard. He is not dumb by any means…Laura’s close friends have speculated variously that either he really does know but doesn’t care or is into it…or he has no idea and would potentially lose his mind and kill everyone involved if he found out.

Somehow over the 7 years that they have been together, he has come to accept things like the fact that there are no childhood pictures of his wife anywhere, they can’t conceive children and Laura’s shoe size is probably a good bit bigger than his.

By the way, Laura’s “close friends” consist of me and one other friend (let’s call her Tammy) that have known her long enough to know her whole story. Tammy and I just play along in front of Laura’s hubby…my girlfriend and Tammy’s husband both know the deal as well.

Sometimes when we are all hanging out, I feel really bad for Laura’s husband as he is the only guy at the party who doesn’t know and perhaps he’s the only person who should. Then I think “what difference does it make, as long as everyone’s happy”? Obviously my loyalties are to my friend and there’s no way I would ever tell…but sometimes I am sad for her because it’s like the whole framework of her life is built on a deception…though I understand her motives and I sympathize with her situation.

It’s just a weird position to be in. I want the best for my friend and I feel that the way her life is now, finally, she is living her dream but with one huge, ironic caveat.

Doesn’t it make you wonder, though, what’s behind this thin veil we all agree is “normalcy”? It sure makes me consider the possibility that there is some huge secret or deception woven into the fabric of MY everyday life.

…and maybe I’m the only one in the room who isn’t in on it.



    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • profile image


      4 years ago

      I thank being honest is a lot better than deceiving someone wife won't talk mean the world to me just heastbroken

    • profile image

      stephen believable 

      5 years ago

      No sense in BSing anyone. Honesty is the best policy. If you haven't been honest, then someone loves you for something that you are not. Plain and simple, bullshitting is bullshitting. Lying about anything to save a relationship is selfish at best.

    • profile image


      5 years ago

      she is his wife bottom line and she gets to be his wife from the first day they meet do yaw see

    • Georgiakevin profile image


      6 years ago from Central Georgia

      What a kind and thought friend you are. It is hard for those who are born transsexual to be open about who they are. Form almost as long as they can remember they live a lie. It is only after hormone therapy when they can finally be released from that lie and finally live as who they are that they can live a life of honesty. Even then they must be guarded about their past/history.

      Your friend must be afraid that her husband will stop loving her if he finds out about her beginnings. Unless his love is unconditional he might. My heart goes out to her very much so. The thing is eventually he will find out about her past. She needs to share who she is when she can control the environment not someone else. Crying will help him accept her easier when she shares with him who she started out as.

      She is blessed to have you as her friend. Please keep supporting and loving her. She needs your love more now than ever.

    • Damien204 profile image


      6 years ago

      @Bryce, a man definitely can become a woman. It's an extensive, expensive process; but, as a transgendered teen, well worth it in the end.

      Relating to the article, I'm glad your friend got her surgeries. Thank you for sharing her story. I was blessed with an amazing girlfriend who knows I'm transgender. Your friend might get lucky, but there really isn't a point to telling him now. Congrats to your friend.

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      A man can't become a woman just like a human can't become an animal. You're born how you are and no surgery with the combination of hormones can change it.

    • profile image


      6 years ago

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      And why exactly you put Girl in quotation marks? ' may be your friend's only fault that she knew you .

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      Aha, not a bad story. I think if there is no difference to tell from a physical observation point of view, i.e. to look at and the sensation during intercource then I cant see any complication in the relationship apart from no children.

      I don't know any transexuals, but if they looked good, I think I would look at them as a woman. But I wouldn't want people laughing at me behind my back if they all knew - that would be an irritation.

      Anyway, I think more men should do gender reassignement just so as there is a surplus of women against men.

    • camlo profile image

      Camlo De Ville 

      7 years ago from Cologne, Germany

      '…and maybe I’m the only one in the room who isn’t in on it.' What a great last line - it really got me thinking.

      This is a great true story, riveting from start to finish.

      All the best, Camlo

    • Nicole1963 profile image


      8 years ago from Silverdale, WA

      I am a transsexual woman and I have taken quite a bit of time to ponder the situation presented. I find that many individuals including those who have personal experience with transsexualism still often render judgments about so called honesty, truth, duty, and many other subjective concepts in life from that of the majority dictated norm definitions.

      What I am saying here is that immediately almost everyone who responded to this hub began to assess the young women’s situation with her husband through the eyes of the heterosexual often male driven accepted standards in life. She is not a man and never has been do you not understand that fact? Thus to attempt to pass judgment on the premises that she lied about being a woman is completely ridiculous. She is a woman and has always been one and just like all women in the world it took her a number of years to grow and blossom into a loving and wonderful woman.

      The only difference between her and the chromosome female is the fact that she had a much more difficult awkward stage than they had. Yet most of you attempt to pass various degrees of judgment on her because of the idea that she is not a woman and is still some sort of man. Get over it and quit allowing your thinking to be totally controlled by the misguided assumptions of the so called heterosexual mainstream decided normality.

      Those of you who say she was wrong and should have told her husband do not realize it but speak from the realization that no matter what you say about acceptance still refuse to acknowledge that she is indeed a woman. Yea, yea I know go ahead and make your excuses and tell us how accepting and caring you are heck you may even tell us that you are a transsexual woman or have one as a friend. It does not change the fact that your decision has been formed according to what the majority group norm has pounded into society as acceptable according to their often prejudicial, exclusionary, and often toxic beliefs.

      One more time she has always been a woman and continues to be one so why in the world should she be required to or even forced to tell anyone anything different. Why does everyone think that she should have to announce to the world that she is or was a man. Her spouse is aware that they are unable to have any children and he is ok with that fact. He does know her and has developed a loving and caring relationship with her. He is happy and they are enjoying their lives together. She is who she is now not who she was when she was growing up and coming into her own.

      @badtranny …. I commend you for seeing the full picture, which unfortunately most refuse to see or accept. The fact is plain and simple this young woman is plain and simple a woman and there is nothing to tell.

      @ Hell… I feel sad that you like so many other intolerant individuals choose to react with such violent emotions as to wish ill or harm on another beautiful, living, breathing, human being. How lonely it must feel standing tall on that dark tower of judgment you choose to pass sentence from.

      My personal choice would be to tell my new partner that I am a transsexual woman but that is only because of the fact that I it took 44 years for me to finally reach the breaking point where I could no longer pretend to be someone else simply because society demanded it. The time came where I had to make a decision either get busy living or get busy dying. I chose the first and have never regretted it one second. Thus I had a substantial past that had been lived as physical male and could at some point intrude into the present. If I had transitioned very young I would not feel I needed to announce something I did not believe and was not true (I was a man) simply because many individuals in society choose to continue to be frightened by anything that doesn’t fit in their tightly constructed so called norms.

    • Georgiakevin profile image


      8 years ago from Central Georgia

      Was wondering how your friend is doing these days

    • ttrash profile image


      8 years ago from Australia

      A great hub! It's fantastic to hear lots of positive remarks in regards to trans people, who are all too often the victim of verbal and physical abuse. My previous partner underwent a FTM transition while we were dating and from first hand experience, it is a difficult and ongoing process. I think the most important thing for your friend is your continued support. If she feels her husband should be privy to her past life, let her decide and just be there to support her. Thanks again!

    • greengypsywolf1 profile image


      8 years ago from The darkest corner of my own insanity.

      Indeed it seems we will, but I must say I enjoyed the debate none the less :)

    • Badtranny profile image


      8 years ago from

      Well, I mention control simply because that's exactly what it is. For some reason, people, men especially, seem to always need absolute knowledge of the life and times of their unfortunate partners. I got news for ya, you're not gonna get it. There isn't a human walking this earth who will be completely and transparently honest about their past. There are embarrassing details in everyone's life that will go to the grave with them. That's just the way it is. You claim to be 100% honest about your past but given what little you've already shared, I would bet that there are things that you would rather just forget and you certainly don't want anyone knowing about them.

      So your wife was born a male, so what? She has moved on and is now living a new life and there are no secrets between you. Her past may be secret, but it's her PAST. It has no bearing on her future and it's really none of your business. You weren't in her life then so you missed it. The past is literally history.

      We are clearly going to have to agree to disagree on this one.

    • greengypsywolf1 profile image


      8 years ago from The darkest corner of my own insanity.

      Yes, I would be offended if my love left out any info of her life for two reasons: 1. I have been been a morally corrupt person who has done deeds that cannot be described as anything less than evil (I have matured much in my short years, yet I am honest about it with all who I get into a realtionship with. I need to be, because if you cant accept me for who I was as well as who I am now, then we wont last long. 2.If you dont trust me as i trust you (see 1.) then this is doomed to fail.

      Badtranny you take it to the level of "trying to control" quite often, and thats is not even close to what I am tryin to convey (in fact I would never stake a claim of ownership on any person).

      I just beleive that if you truly love a person you will let them know all of your deepest and/or darkest secrets.

      That is no more than what I myself am willing to do, so I dont feel that it is irrational to ask of a lover.

      I beleive it is the other parties business, because where we are and what we have been through is directly related to who we are as a person today, and if you cant tell a person truthfully who you are, then how can you be loved for who you really are?

    • Badtranny profile image


      8 years ago from

      Let them make a decision about what? It's not like she was in prison for murdering her first husband 20 years ago. Now THAT would be a terrible secret. Let me ask you this; what if this woman had been born with a birth defect and after high school, they were able to finally surgically correct it. Should her husband years later be informed about her very personal medical procedure? If so, why is it any of his business? So he can make a decision about her value? What if she was molested by her uncle for 5 years until she was 16. Should she be compelled to tell her eventual husband? We all have a past and I'll wager that anyone who says she should tell is probably keeping at least one secret of their own. Oh, but that's different, a tranny's secret is so much more horrible, right?

    • greengypsywolf1 profile image


      8 years ago from The darkest corner of my own insanity.

      Wow, that is quite a quandry.

      I have no experience with Transgender issues, so I debated on whether to respond, but I then got to thinking that I could be the husband in this story.

      I personaly wouldn't burst out with violence if I was put into a position like that and found out the truth, and I honestly think that if I knew before hand and was given the time to straighten my thoughts out on the matter I could move forward in the realtionship (I consider myself straight for the record, but as gay friend once said to me, I am pretty calm and rational, for a straight guy, when it comes to sexuality).

      On the other hand, if I found out I had been lied to it would go very much beyond the stereotypical "OH God Im gay" response. It would become a trust issue to me. If you cant tell me the truth, we cant build a relationship.

      I would feel like I was used, and I would feel like the other party truly didn't care about how I feel.

      Yes she is a woman now, and yes she should be able to decide who to tell, but I beleive that a relationship MUST be built on truth, or it becomes a very selfish thing.

      I dont think it should anyone other than the wife should spill the beans so to speak, but the truth should be known in my opinion.

      It's not about owning someone as property, or looking into a persons "pedigree", it's about honesty. I feel that if you love someone you shouldn't keep them in the dark, but open up and let them make a decision. While homophobia is quite ridiculous in this day and age, it should be his choice on how he feels (barring a violent reaction).

      As I said it is quite the quandry, and one which cannot be answered perfectly I think.

      It just goes to show that love, between any sex(or former sex), is complicated all around.

      I hope this doesn't come of as rambling or condescending in any way, I am writing this at midnight after a lack of sleep, so Im struggling to put my message across in a coherent fashion! lol.

    • Badtranny profile image


      8 years ago from

      I disagree with almost everyone here, including my gorgeous friend Cyrsti. This woman is a woman. How is she living a lie? How is she not the woman her husband married just because she was born differently? What if she would have spent her teenage years in a wheelchair or a bubble because of some disease that has since been cured? Is it a lie if she would rather just forget those years? Why does the husband need to know everything about her past like she's some kind of show dog that he owns? He doesn't own her, he presumably loves her, and they are sharing a life together. Why complicate everything with a "truth" that will do nothing except be misunderstood. She's not living a double life, she's not cheating on him, what's the problem?


    • Cyrsti Hart profile image

      Cyrsti Hart 

      8 years ago from West Central Ohio

      No way your friend should have let this happen! Number one she blew all honesty totally off the face of the earth with her husband. Number 2, I assume the marriage isn't really legally binding?

      Number 3, no real friend puts another friend through this!

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      This poor poor man, i find it incredible that a nightmare of science fiction like this is happening to someone ... This person claims to love this man .. How the hell can HEShe do this to another human being ... This is the worse lie i think someone can ever portray to someone ... I have no sympathy for your friend who is behaving so disgustingley ... There was a case a while back about a 25 year old man who made himself look 14 ,, he managed to pose as a high school student for not so nice reasons ... This creature is doing the same .. I have no problem with transgender .. But when sharing your body with someone you have to tell this for there sake .. Your friend is a terrible example to transgender.. I hope this person rots for what they have done .... My prayers go out to this man i hope he one day will see the world isn't all full of sick lies

    • thehands profile image

      Jorge Vamos 

      8 years ago

      It's difficult to live as something other than (assumedly) biologically male or female in this society. It's very binary. If you stray outside of that, you have to give people annoying explanations. So a lot of transpeople are "stealth," and never mention their anatomical birth sex to anyone.

      Maybe she just wants to blend in and live a normal life like everyone else. No one else has to tolerate other people asking about the contents of their pants, why should she? Biologically-born people never have to mention to people that they were born with a vagina/penis, why should she?

      Now, is it something her husband should know? I guess it's up to her, but just the fact that a spouse should probably know about the major stuff that has happened in your life should have compelled her to tell him. Not to make sure that he was "okay with it" sexually, which is ludicrous because she is a woman like any other woman and he's obviously attracted to her, but simply because ones childhood and adolescence can be a big chunk of ones life.

      In an ideal world, she should be able to tell him and he shouldn't care. After all, she is a woman, has probably felt like a woman since birth, and currently has few or no traces of a past with male anatomy. She was never really "a dude," as you say--not in any way that really counts. And, more importantly, (I assume) he's in love with her as a woman and as a human being, above all. So who cares, right?

      But we all know that there's a lot of ignorance and that a straight man's stereotypical reaction is, "OMG, YOU'RE A MAN, in spite of the fact that not only do you have no penis, but you don't think, sound, or feel like a man! Does this make me gay?! Since liking a woman somehow makes me gay!" Just watch some Jerry Springer.

      If she anticipates that this is going to be his reaction, then it's really no wonder she doesn't want him to know. (Some transwomen are beaten or even killed after confessing their past to a significant other.) But, then again, if he's the kind of guy who would react stereotypically and negatively like that and actually care that she's trans, I would wonder why she'd marry him in the first place.

      Basically, the only reason she's being all secretive is probably because she knows people will make a big deal out of it, which is the last thing a person wants when they just want to be normal.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Just hope she never ends up in the ER for any reason. Them running a few tests could blow the whole gig! Wish you all the best with this one.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Your "friend" has placed you in a difficult position. You must be dishonest, and watch what you say. I'm surprised with so many knowing the truth, someone hasn't slipped.

    • Scarlett Black profile image

      Scarlett Black 

      8 years ago from New York

      Wonderful. I have a dear old friend who was Jeff and is now Jesse. She is as fabulous as ever. I know several men who have changed and a few woman who would like too. These are brave individuals who really know who they are!

    • Capable Woman profile imageAUTHOR

      Capable Woman 

      8 years ago from Augusta, Georgia


      Believe it or not, she goes so far as to buy tampons and then throw them away with red food coloring on them. I know it sounds insane and probably disgustingly dishonest and I think it is in many respects. However, I guess because I've always known her and seen her pain in dealing with who she is, I still can't help but sympathize with her. I think its all just very sad for everyone.

    • profile image

      Zed Philip 

      8 years ago

      Aside from the foot size difference, one has to wonder if the guy is completely clueless. Has he never heard of menstruation? Maybe he's never dated a woman before, because any guy who has usually gets a pretty good idea what time of the month it is.

      Lastly, depending on this man's background, ie. Brazil is more laissez-faire on this, whereas Mexico is not, his macho standing could be seriously threatened if he found out. Especially if he discovers others have known and said nothing. Who knows how he would feel or act. Your friend set up a dangerous and dishonest situation. Transgender is fine, but dishonesty in a marriage is foul.

    • agoosetow profile image


      9 years ago

      really enjoyed reading this. Definitely very enlightening :)

      glad things worked out for you, Kelly.

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      Great article, well written thank you.

    • pncblessed profile image


      9 years ago

      Good read, well written thank you.

    • JessicaSideways profile image

      Jessica Sideways 

      9 years ago from Denver, CO

      Personally, I believe that he does not have the right to know if she does not want him to know. I personally do not care who knows whether or not I am a transsexual woman and I would definitely come out to any guy I am dating, let alone getting involved with in an polyfidelity relationship (explanation: I am married and poly).

      We did not ask for this and many transwomen would have rather been born in the proper body from the get go. We have to give up so much in order to live the life we should live. I was lucky, I did not have family to lose and no real "friends" to stop me. Now I can socialize with people that I want to be friends with and who can accept me for who I am.

    • Catherine R profile image

      Catherine R 

      9 years ago from Melbourne, Australia

      Shame she didn't come out with the truth from the beginning. Maybe he does know. Who knows what the answer is. Its a pretty major secret. Interesting story anyway.

    • Queen Mirage profile image

      Queen Mirage 

      9 years ago from Las Vegas NV

      No I do not think it is your place to say anything and you are in a bad place it is hard to be placed in that position I understan loyalty to your friends just please be careful if it ever does come out he could get crazy....

    • Suiiki profile image


      9 years ago from City of the Newly Wed and Nearly Dead

      Regardless of who tells, her husband will find out eventually and it may to violence against her, or worse. I don't think it is your place to say anything, but you need to talk to her and tell her that it may be best to speak up. And when she does, MAKE SURE SHE IS NOT ALONE! You need to be there when that girl tells her husband that she is trans. Otherwise she could find herself in a very dangerous situation. Most vilence against transpeople is not perpetrated by strangers, it happens when someone who the transperson is close to finds out and flies off the handle. That is why the so-called "Trans-panic" defense works so well...Bobby finds out that Jill used to be called Jack and Bobby blows Jill's head off. Bobby gets off on a heat of the moment next week when Sam goes to see Mary who used to be called Mitch, and Sam kills Mary, Sam says "Oh well I found out she was really a dude and I paniked" and the courts buy it, even if there is evidence that Sam knew Mary used to be Mitch for weeks or months before the murder.

      Right now, since your friend has hidden her past, your job is to protect her from what may happen, even if the chances are "small"

    • Capable Woman profile imageAUTHOR

      Capable Woman 

      9 years ago from Augusta, Georgia

      Well QM, let me first say that I haven't taken anyone's rights away in any capacity. I along with everyone who knows about this is placed in an untenable position. You ask me how I would feel if it happened to me? Of course I would feel lied to, etc. however put YOURSELF in our (all of Laura's friends who know) shoes. Would you interfere in someone else's life to that extreme level or would you be more prudent and mind your own business? Again, unprecedented and untenable positions for all of us.

    • Queen Mirage profile image

      Queen Mirage 

      9 years ago from Las Vegas NV

      WOW!!! That poor man you have taken away his right to choose this is not right and yes you are a friend to your friend and keeping her secret. How would you feel if you found out the person you love is not who they say they are. I am a drag queen and proud, but let me say this. What she is doing is dishonost and that is why there are people who get killed for doing that......She is living her dream is right she is in dreamland wake up!!!!!!! Watch out for that shot gun.

    • Amanda Severn profile image

      Amanda Severn 

      9 years ago from UK

      Fascinating hub, and really well written. Obviously this is a big topic not to have touched on early on in the relationship, and seven years in, I would be inclined to let it lie. Either Laura's husband does know, but prefers not to address it head on, or he has somehow missed all obvious clues. This is very tricky, but if there's no harm being done, and the couple are happy, presumably ignorance is bliss.

    • Ms.Advice profile image


      9 years ago

      It's not your place to let the cat out of the bag, but she is taking huge chances with this situation. I truly hope for her sake that he loves her for her and that if he has an idea of it that he would prefer not to know, and does not want it brought to his attention because in the end what good would come from telling? "NONE" It benefits no one to spread this around like manure so let this one go and talk with your friend about getting into support group. I sugest an organization called PFLAG for you. They have support groups for friends of gay lesbien and trans persons. you sound like an allie of them so it'as worth it to/for you to check it out.

      I happen to have had my own transgender experience but it was with a guy who was a woman and is now living as a guy either way I got to know him for who he was and I accepted him as a person. As all trans people should be accepted as a person on a case by case basis.

    • Tim Blackstone profile image

      Tim Blackstone 

      9 years ago

      For me honesty in a relationship is everything. If I were the husband and I ever did find out I would feel hurt, betrayed and cheated on. It would make me feel my whole married life had been a lie because the woman I was married to was not the woman I thought she was.

      I can understand and sypathise with the problem for your friend but I really feel sorry for the husband.

      One day he probably will find out and maybe he will be ok with it. I hope so for everybody's sake.

    • sequoiablessed profile image


      9 years ago from USA

      I so sympathize with the both of you and know how destructive "not telling" can be. It is far better for her to tell than to live a lie. You can help by being supportive and suggesting she come clean. The sooner the better! It may be the hardest thing she has ever done, then again she may find more Love that she ever thought possible. I did.

    • Georgiakevin profile image


      9 years ago from Central Georgia

      What heart wrenching hub. You are a special friend and you have a big heart. You need to talk to Laura explain how you feel about her not telling her husband. Offer to help her find a way to tell her husband that is as gentle as possible. Her fear is that he will leave her. That could be a real fear but he may surprise her. if he finds out on his own it will be much worse. Wish her best of luck from me.

    • earnestshub profile image


      9 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      I don't envy you with the problems of not telling and the problems associated with that. I wish your friend well.

    • Kelsey Tallis profile image

      Kelsey Tallis 

      9 years ago from USA-Ohio

      I completely understand not wanting to break your friend's trust. And I do understand your friend not wanting to mess up her marriage, but if she suspects he could "flip out" at the truth, I think it's important to consider her personal safety. All you can really do is help her the best you can. She decided not to divulge this fact about herself a long time ago; she's also gonna have to accept some responsibility if he does find out and retaliates against her. Personally, I think I would want to get it out in the open (but not in a setting where I would be too vulnerable to a possibly violent reaction). But, I also have no direct knowledge whatsoever of what she must feel like or what she has been through. It must be a bit like living with a time bomb... :-|

    • Capable Woman profile imageAUTHOR

      Capable Woman 

      9 years ago from Augusta, Georgia

      Kelsey, if you venture back here hopefully you'll see my reply...

      the truth is nobody knows. My friend "Laura" seems to think that him flipping out is a real liklihood, but outside observers seem to think maybe he knows already. She has done a hell of a job up to now in hiding it in our medium sized town and her husband is hispanic and from another country, so he doesn't know too many people around here.

      It's messed up, but what can you do except support your friend?

    • Kelsey Tallis profile image

      Kelsey Tallis 

      9 years ago from USA-Ohio

      I reallyreally dislike anyone not being honest about something like this but I can understand (theoretically) why your friend would want to keep the secret. Unfortunately, there's a chance the husband will find out anyway, especially if your friend still lives in her hometown (assuming he really doesn't know). Do you think there's a chance of physical violence if he does find out?

    • frogdropping profile image


      9 years ago

      Country - phew ... what a quandary. Me? I'd keep my lips sealed. They always shoot the messenger for one. And for another, right or wrong, it's her business what she chooses to disclose.

      And yes - it's hard to determine what's 'normal' or not these days. Which is why I mind my business. Other peoples' lives are exactly that.

      Thumbed up :)

    • BristolBoy profile image


      9 years ago from Bristol

      Interesting story, especially from the point of view of someone who has been so close for a long time before reallignment to a long time after.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)