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Can You Date Your Friend's Ex?

Updated on August 15, 2008

3 Points to Remember

Yes. Yes, of course you can date the ex-partners of your friends. Of course you can. The question should really be, is it possible to keep your friend in the process.

We've all been there. We've all had friends with failed relationships. And as good as the friendship is, sometimes that ex is just too tasty to resist. We all know there is no cut and dry answer to this dilemma. Sometimes this is do-able. And sometimes it isn't. Some people are highly possessive regarding their ex's. Many years ago I dated the ex of a friend's cousin. It wasn't even my friend's ex. It was her cousin's ex. And the fall out was unbelievable. But in happier news, I had another friend who actually hooked me up with an ex of hers. That worked out fine and fun for all.

I could start with all that sappy obvious stuff, like saying: The first thing you really need to ask yourself is, how important is this friendship? Is this someone you've known through the gym for a year, or is this a long term 3:00 in the morning phone call - knows your favorite vodka as well as your favorite former teen idol - kind of friend? If this is a friendship worth fighting for, than fight for it. Fight the urge, and get over it.

Let's assume you've got 2 brain cells to rub together, and you've already assessed the situation. This is a good friend, a 3 AM friend, and still you find yourself texting The Ex, or casually trying to crash his weekly happy hour at a local bar.

One of the reasons you have a friend who's heard you admit you still kinda dig Matt Dillon over 3 Grey Goose Dirty Martini's, is honesty. You can let your hair down and be frank with her. You can tell her she has broccoli in her teeth. You can tell her you spent the rent money on a massage. Now is not the time to stop.

Remember how it felt to be in her shoes. One of the worst things about being dumped is that stupid feeling. Even if you saw it coming, you didn't really see it coming. Not really. So when he told you he wanted out, you were blindsided. You felt dumb for not having known he was unhappy.

Assume that's how your friend feels. And try to imagine how much more magnified that feeling would be if you make her feel stupid too.

I suggest a pre-emptive strike. Let her know. Immediately. Yeah, it's gonna hurt her, and she will feel open and raw. But when day is done she will still have her dignity, and that goes a long way. Be truthful with yourself: you wouldn't want your so-called friend sneaking around behind your back. The odds are, neither would she. You know how she feels about the ex, you know how she feels about you. Much of the sink-or-swim of this, will rely on how she feels about herself. And that is the hard part of the break-up. If you make her feel bad about herself, she will excommunicate you.

Making her feel good about herself is NOT about idiotic flattery and fake empathy. All you need to do, is keep three goals in mind, for every sentence you speak:

  1. Do not get dragged into a tit for tat about her failed relationship.
  2. Do not compare.
  3. And do not ever imply that you can succeed where she failed.

Do not get dragged into a tit for tat, this for that, he said she said - kind of conversation. If she wants to point out how he never called when he would be late, do not defend him and point out that her version of late is 25 seconds. If she tells you he didn't want to meet her parents, don't remind her about 10 years ago when she faked an appendicitis to get out of having Easter dinner with her then boyfriend's father. You can't make the light bulb over her head suddenly illuminate where she says, "Oh you're right. What was I thinking? I was wrong, and you deserve him."That's not going to happen. So don't argue. Don't combat every point she makes with correction or an attempt at balance.

When she says he was always late, be her friend. Not the potential new girlfriend. Not her teacher. Not the judge. Just be her friend. Just nod. If you feel you have to say something, then sympathize. "That must have been frustrating." If she says he wouldn't meet her family, just nod. "I know how close you are to your family." If you don't give her a reason to fight harder, she won't. She wants to be heard. That's what that whole Venus woman thing is about, right? She wants you to hear her. So, hear her. She wants to feel better. Just let her. And be the friend you have been, not the girlfriend to the ex that you want to be. You don't have to take sides. If she really pushes for you to admit a more sided response, bow out. Shrug. "I wasn't there. I don't know. But I can see how bothered you were by it."

Do not compare. Ever. Do not compare how much better you would handle something with this guy than she did. Do not compare your past relationships to hers. Do not compare her past relationships with this one. Do not compare anything. And don't let her. Dismantle any comparison she attempts. If she starts comparing: "You are such a stickler for punctuality! You'll be even more upset than I was!" Just nod. Shrug. If you point out all the reasons why you won't get upset like she did, you're comparing, and you're making her fight back. Don't do that. Don't make her fight.

If anything, justify her. Justify her feelings, her intentions, even her initial attraction. If she says, straight out: "If you know all the bad things he did to me, then why in the world do you still want to go out with him!?" You have one response only.

"Because I see what you saw in him. I'm where you were when you met him." You understand why she got involved with this guy in the first place. She was attracted, like you are now. Just point that out if you're pushed. And don't go any farther. You aren't better than she is. You aren't going to learn from her mistakes and succeed where she didn't. You're just like her. At least, let her have that much.

And that brings me to my last point. Do not imply that you think you and the ex can have success. If she asks you if you really think you can make this work, don't say yes. Do not say yes! It's practically throwing down a gauntlet. The very best you can do, is put yourself on her level. Put yourself where she is, just in a different spot on the time line. You can say, "Maybe a month from now you'll be the one buying me martini's."

Let her see you as her friend, not as his girlfriend. At least, not yet. When she complains about him, leave it at that I hear ya, sister! feeling.

And the truth is in the beginning stages, you really don't know. She may be 100% right, and you may be exactly where she is in a few months. I do think it's possible to maintain your friendship while you go out with the ex. As long as you do it with care.

If you like this HUB please click the “Thumbs-Up” below just before the comments.

Thanks!

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.

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  • profile image

    TheCurlz 5 years ago

    Hey guys, I'm in a dilemma!! Ok so I like my friend's ex.... Um let's call him "Joe". So let's call my friend "Sally". Alright. So Sally's parents made her break up with Joe because she is moving. Sally is now moved out of our school and our city. But now I kind of like Joe. What do you guys think I should do?? I respect Sally and want to keep her as my friend,but since she's gone, should I date Joe? Btw: I still talk to Sally...we txt sometimes

  • profile image

    lalagirl45 5 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    So my best friend started to like this guy, so she started hanging out with him and some other people, bringing me along. It sort of turned into a double dating situation, and it was all fun. My friend and this guy hit it off and they started dating. As their relationship went on, her boyfriend and I also became really close friends and we told each other everything. We were always there for each other, and I told him things my best friend didn't even know. When we started to get close, I started to realize that I had a small crush on him, but knowing that he was my best friend's boyfriend I tired to forget about it. At this point my friend and this guy weren't doing so well, and he was thinking about breaking up with her. But one day when we were talking, he asked me if I had any sort of feelings for him because he did. And I told him I did. But we both didn't want my friend to get hurt, so we said we would back off and try to talk to each other less. We both told my friend/his girlfriend what was going on, and she was pretty upset and told us not to talk to each other. So we both agreed not to talk to each other for a while. During this time I couldn't stop thinking about him, and I couldn't help but check my texts/fb/phone to see if he had talked to me, and I feel like it just made everything worse. But things between my best friend and this guy weren't working out, so he ended things with her. And he and I ended up talking to each other again, a lot. She still thinks I don't talk to him, and I am still her friend. This guy and I really do like each other, but it's only been a couple weeks since they've broken up, and all we do is talk to each other. We both want to take things farther and see what could happen, but I'm scared I'll lose my friend in the process. I was thinking of telling her that I want to talk to him, and start from there because I don't want to lie to her. Even if we go through this, I can't help but imagine what people would think/say about seeing us together. And I really need some advice!

  • profile image

    lalagirl45 5 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    This article really helped me out, but here's my situation.

    So my best friend started to like this guy, so she started hanging out with him and some other people, bringing me along. It sort of turned into a double dating situation, and it was all fun. My friend and this guy hit it off and they started dating. As their relationship went on, her boyfriend and I also became really close friends and we told each other everything. We were always there for each other, and I told him things my best friend didn't even know. When we started to get close, I started to realize that I had a small crush on him, but knowing that he was my best friend's boyfriend I tired to forget about it. At this point my friend and this guy weren't doing so well, and he was thinking about breaking up with her. But one day when we were talking, he asked me if I had any sort of feelings for him because he did. And I told him I did. But we both didn't want my friend to get hurt, so we said we would back off and try to talk to each other less. We both told my friend/his girlfriend what was going on, and she was pretty upset and told us not to talk to each other. So we both agreed not to talk to each other for a while. During this time I couldn't stop thinking about him, and I couldn't help but check my texts/fb/phone to see if he had talked to me, and I feel like it just made everything worse. But things between my best friend and this guy weren't working out, so he ended things with her. And he and I ended up talking to each other again, a lot. She still thinks I don't talk to him, and I am still her friend. Me and this guy really do like each other, but it's only been a couple weeks since they've broken up, and all we do is talk to each other. We both want to take things farther and see what could happen, but I'm scared I'll lose my friend in the process. I was thinking of telling her that I want to talk to him, and start from there because I don't want to lie to her. Even if we go through this, I can't help but imagine what people would think/say about seeing us together. And I really need some advice!

    Thanks!

  • profile image

    lalagirl45 5 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    This article really helped me out, but here's my situation.

    So my best friend started to like this guy, so she started hanging out with him and some other people, bringing me along. It sort of turned into a double dating situation, and it was all fun. My friend and this guy hit it off and they started dating. As their relationship went on, her boyfriend and I also became really close friends and we told each other everything. We were always there for each other, and I told him things my best friend didn't even know. When we started to get close, I started to realize that I had a small crush on him, but knowing that he was my best friend's boyfriend I tired to forget about it. At this point my friend and this guy weren't doing so well, and he was thinking about breaking up with her. But one day when we were talking, he asked me if I had any sort of feelings for him because he did. And I told him I did. But we both didn't want my friend to get hurt, so we said we would back off and try to talk to each other less. We both told my friend/his girlfriend what was going on, and she was pretty upset and told us not to talk to each other. So we both agreed not to talk to each other for a while. During this time I couldn't stop thinking about him, and I couldn't help but check my texts/fb/phone to see if he had talked to me, and I feel like it just made everything worse. But things between my best friend and this guy weren't working out, so he ended things with her. And he and I ended up talking to each other again, a lot. She still thinks I don't talk to him, and I am still her friend. Me and this guy really do like each other, but it's only been a couple weeks since they've broken up, and all we do is talk to each other. We both want to take things farther and see what could happen, but I'm scared I'll lose my friend in the process. I was thinking of telling her that I want to talk to him, and start from there because I don't want to lie to her. Even if we go through this, I can't help but imagine what people would think/say about seeing us together. And I really need some advice!

    Thanks!

  • profile image

    EJayne12 5 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    your article is so helpful but i still feel torn.

    My best girl mate and best lad mate decided to go out June last year. The problem I had was that I liked the lad at the time but I let he go out with him cause I knew he liked her and I just accepted that I would move on, and I did. But about a month ago they broke up and I felt for the both of them cause they are both me mates,and due to the way our timetables work Ive been spending time with the lad alot more than the lass, but this has begun to cause rumours that me and the lad like each other. Me and this lad have been texting alot over the month and I feel like my old feelings for him are coming back, stronger than they were before. So last week i decided to tell him that I used to like him (which I havent told me lass mate) and when I asked him what he though about me he just changed the subject so I just assumed he didn't and wed just carry on as mates and pretend it never happened. But yesterday me, him and some of our other mates were at the cinema and then when he offered me a sweet the next thing I know i missed half the film cause he decided to snog me. I liked it I admit and im glad none of the others could see us cause that would make all these rumours worse.

    Now the problem is that he likes me and I like him but I dont want to hurt me best lass mate or for other people to think im a bitch for stealing her ex. I asked him where we should go from here but he says its up to me and I just dont know what to do. I think I should talk to me best lass mate but I wouldnt know where to start and a month feels too soon to go into anything with her ex but I really like him and he makes me feel special.

    Both of them are 3am friends and I have never had a real boyfriend before which is quite sad but I just have no idea what to do or where me and the lad should take what happened in the cinema.

    Help! (sorry its so long im just so god damn confused)

    x

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    john1989 5 years ago

    Hi Veronica, I read all comments in this hub. i am in a bad position and really need help here. any help would be appreciated.

    I am 26 year old.my gf dumped me three months ago saying that he is not happy in the relation anymore. I asked her the reasons and she said cute things were missing, she has to do my stuff and she also think I am not honest. i love her alot and still do. we were in a relation for almost 2 years. I am trying to win her back. I talked to one of my friend about the relatiion (almost everything). everything I mean why she broke up, and i want her back and i will try for her. He aso aske me personal question about relation and I told him everything honestly as I thought He is try to understand my situation. Today I found out accidentally few pics of them together after 10 days of my break up. other thing is he was dumped by his gf 2 months ago and I asked him to hangout with me and my ex so that he wont feel lonely. they dont know yet that i found out. I callled him today after finding out and asked if he heard from her. he said we just talked causal twice. he lied on my face.

    is that right? what should I do? I love that girl alot.

  • profile image

    john1989 5 years ago

    my gf dumped me three months ago saying that he is not happy in the relation anymore. I asked her the reasons and she said cute things were missing, she has to do my stuff and she also think I am not honest. i love her alot and still do. we were in a relation for almost 2 years. I am trying to win her back. I talked to one of my friend about the relatiion (almost everything). everything I mean why she broke up, and i want her back and i will try for her. He aso aske me personal question about relation and I told him everything honestly as I thought He is try to understand my situation. Today I found out accidentally few pics of them together after 10 days of my break up. other thing is he was dumped by his gf 2 months ago and I asked him to hangout with me and my ex so that he wont feel lonely. they dont know yet that i found out. I callled him today after finding out and asked if he heard from her. he said we just talked causal twice. he lied on my face.

    is that right? what should I do? I love that girl alot.

  • profile image

    ma-ched 5 years ago

    I 've been out of my relationship for nearly 6 months now, and it was the first relationship I have been in. This was with a girl from my work which has made things harder. I was under the impression that we broke it off mutually as niether of us were getting on that well and we are very different people. This was very hard for me as I have very low self esteem and she's that only girl that has ever really liked me. So a few weeks ago we kissed at the pub and I explained that I had missed her and I thought we really connected again, but we ended up leaving it like that. Then 5 days later we all got very drunk at our xmas party and I see her kissing one of my best friends at work and someone that I work very closely with. This has completely destroyed me and it has brought up all sorts of feelings as lately I had been questioning the reason that we broke up. Part of me wants to get back together with her now but part of me is also saying that it is a bad idea. I think we need some space first if we are going to get back together but I don't know how I should be with him or her, I am still angry and the idea of forgiving them both makes me feel like I am being walked all over, but then again he is a really good mate and she is a really great girl. Am I just a dick for not going out with her for 6 months then saying that I do after seeing her with someone else? Is it me being territorial? Do I even deserve a chance with this girl for messing her about for so long? And how do I act towards him if we do get back together or even if we dont?

    Your article helped a lot and any brutally harsh advice you can give me would be amazing!

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    lolbubbly 5 years ago

    Ok, my friend just got dumped by her boyfriend. It was hard for her but she wasnt too close to him. This guy is super cute and he told me he liked me. The truth is that I have like him since 4th grade. Im not that close to my friend but i still dont want to lose her. But this guy makes me feel so happy and appreciated and I really want to date him. I dont know what to do! I think hes gonna ask me out soon but I dont know if I should say yes, no, not now maybe later, its soo confusing its tearing my heart apart! If you have any advice please let me know! :)

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    sunshiney712 5 years ago

    I have a dilemma, if you could, could you maybe help? :)

    My best friend is trying to get over a breakup with her boyfriend...the guy that I have had a crush on for the longest time. Many, many times, I have tried to STOP liking this boy, because of course, he's my best friends ex. But you know that feeling, where you just can't stop liking someone, no matter how hard you try? That's how I feel.

    I've been by my best friend's side since this breakup, but she hasn't returned the friendship. For some reason, she's been really mean toward me, and it's making me sad. One day I actually went home and cried because of her. She even betrayed my trust and told the guy that I like that I like him. So nothing makes me want to be a good friend to her. But considering we've been friends since we were three, I don't want to ruin our friendship either.

    The guy that just broke up with her likes me now, and I like him, and I really want to date him. It's not like I'd date him right away, while my best friend is still torn, but I was going to wait until she got over it, because she usually gets over things fast. What do you think I should do?

    Oh and your article helped a lot, thank you :)

  • profile image

    lolrose 5 years ago

    I once had a best friend. We were friends for a really long time. My best friend had known the guy a long time ago and she talked about him in a really bad way and at the same time said they were friends.

    After I had met him, I started to develop feelings for him and he for me. He asked my friend if she was okay with us and she said it was fine. My best friend said some really harsh things about him and she did mean them at the time.

    I broke the relationship with the guy while we both still had feelings for each other and we both knew how we felt about each other. My best friend thought it was okay if she went out with him after the things she'd said about him. She never mentioned any of this to me and i'd found out of something she wrote on the internet. I was really upset about what she'd done, not only had she gone behind my back, she never thought to tell me when she knew i was still mourning over him, she also told all our other mutual friends that i was okay with the two of them and apparently felt it was okay because i was 'out of the way'. Our friendship didn't survive and i didn't want to attempt to make it work when she had betrayed me. She was claiming to be madly in love with another of my ex boyfriends a long time before i started dating the guy who she is currently with. I encouraged her with the other guy and i surely would have done the same with the more recent ex if she had mentioned how she felt even if it hurt me. I was the 3.00am phone call friend and was honest about everything. We'd never really even had an altercation about anything before. She never even attempted to talk to me after she started dating my ex and it showed she had chosen a boy over our many years of friendship.

    I always knew he'd more on, but i assumed it would be some person who i didn't know. After everything she'd done i find it hard to trust people. even after the long time its been, it still hurts.

  • profile image

    sarah 6 years ago

    My ex gf is now in a relationship with my best friend (EX BEST FRIEND) now 2 months after we broke up and it has been pretty much the hardest thing iv ever been through. Dont ever do it to someone unless you want to absolutely ruin somebodys life that's my advice.

  • profile image

    allicia765 6 years ago

    hi ok so my now boy friend is the ex of one of my friends who is happy for the two of us is starting to turn on us she says when she sees us hanging together even when shes there she feels like bursting out in to tears its really worring me because she says it wont work out everyone hates the realationship theres no point in carring it on and then the next minute she says how happy i should be it does not make sense we have been dating for 1 and a 1/2 months and it started 10 days ago

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    ShakinmyheadinSeattle 6 years ago

    Ok. So one of my co-worker's ex's asked me out for drinks. I told him "no" because I was actually unavailable and we've scheduled a couple of things a couple of times (with others so as not to be alone). I think he's pretty awesome and I know they broke up because they were just too different. I've heard her side and that's what she confirmed. I get along just fine with his ex at work. We even have really deep conversations sometimes. I think she respects me and I her. But the truth is I really want to jump his bones. I read many of these posts and I hear everything everyone is saying. The one thing I really took from this was to just be honest. If it's something you want to save. save it. If not, leave it. So I think I've decided to just take it easy and see what happens. If things progress, I will let her know out of respect. If not, I'll just have a new guy friend. nothing more, nothing less. I know it's hard out there, in regards to finding suitable dates, but she's not my friend and I don't think she needs to know until she needs to know. We may not even work out. And then what? I will say she has brought him up to me many many times. Just alluding to instances in her relationship with him that were relevant to whatever conversation we were currently having. I appreciate the post above about how people are gonna eat her up if they go out in public. I am concerned about that too. I don't want to have to defend he and I at all. One other person knows about it. The one that hooked us up.

    Any suggestions?

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    assman 6 years ago

    So here is my situation.

    My friend dated a girl. They never kissed, had sex, held hands or anything. Maybe they dated 4-5 times and broke up. I met her at a meetup, got her number and know I want to date her but I can't because my friend is still obsessed with her and he is suicidal. I hate him. HATE HIM. I am denied happiness and he never even sealed the deal with her.

    Its really annoying. I don't think its fair. She is beautiful, she likes me and i like her. I hate having to give her up

  • profile image

    assman 6 years ago

    can i comment

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    Maria Gabriela 6 years ago

    Hi, well i really do need help, advice, light, guidence, a friken miracle. This is my problem:

    I was at school and i had a little crush on this guy, lets call him Alex, and he had a little crush on me but never mentioned not to anyone or oneanother. me and Alex had many classes together, and he at the time was with this girl, then they broke up.Then we told me that he had feelings for me and i started to notice that so did i. But at the same time we both had feelings for other people. So in the end he chose this other girl and i chose this other boy. Me and Alex became best friends (because it was all we could be). He was happy and so was i with our relationships, but the attraction was still there and very strongly and everyone could see, but because we never acted on it everyone just ignored it. Me and his girlfriend started to become really really close, to the point where us too were best friends, lets call her Beth. So Alex, me and Beth were all in the same group of friends always hanging out etc. my relationsip with the other guy didn"t work out.

    Me and Beth went to Asia together for a few months, and had the best time, in that time she cheated on him with many many guys, and he broke up with her. A month went by and he says that he realises that wat he wanted and needed was in front of him all along, and that he loves me and yeah. I love him, and that is why this is such a tough decision. they had a good realtionship, but yeah, she has in the past been hyprocrite and lied to me, and sometimes a really bad friend to me, but she i still one of my bestest friends, i know her family and i've known her for years...

    I wouldn"t mind losing her i don"t think, but at the same time i know people are gonna eat me alive if me and Alex become public. :(

    But he is the best thing that has happened to me, he is like noone i"ve ever met, and the only one i ever want to be with.

    Please i would love to hear wat you think

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    i dont know help! 6 years ago

    well here is my promblem me and my bestfriend (girl)im a girl as well... we have been bestfriends for aleast 5 years well her and my friend (girl) became close to were they dated...she would always say that she hated how me and my bestfriend hang out so much and blah blah blah that if we didnt stop being friends she would break up with my bestfriend well as time pass my friend got over it and we were all cool until the girl started likeing me well im young and who hasnt done something like this so i dated her come to find out she only dated me bc she wanted to get back at my bestfriend to say this girl brove a wag between me and my bestfriend we fight all the time now but on a side note me and my bestfriend develpoed feelings for each other after we talk about it we besided we could not be more then friends but latey all we do is fifhgt we dont take jokes like we did and know we are getting to the point were we dont talk in school only at home i dont know what happen help!!!!!!!!

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    Rebecca 6 years ago

    So I liked this guy slot and the feelings were mutual. Then he decides one day he just doesn't like me and the next thing I know my bestfriend tell me she likes him. I was so upset with this but I eventually got over it. They ended up dating and broke up about 3 moths ago. Lately he has been really flirty with me and I think I'm developing feelings for him again. Should I go after him or no ? Is it worth it ?

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    WhatToDo 6 years ago

    So I broke up with my gf of 9 months a while ago as it just wasn't the same, before we hooked up I was also close to a new girl to my school but eventually chose who is now my ex.

    This other girl went out with one of my mates for about a month and they split about the same time as I did, it's been a while of summer holidays and I'm starting to get feelings for my mates ex, i've been single for a while so it's not rebound material at all. Me and this girl have been great friends for some time and I feel like I want more. She keeps asking if I want to go places with her "just as friends" but c'mon cinema/ice skating? As friends?

    Anyway what I want to know is:

    1) Will my friend get hurt, they were never that close anyway

    2) Does the girl even like me?

    3) If I'm going to uni next year shouldn't I just risk it, I mean you only live once right?

    Some grounded advice would be great.

    T.

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    X-factor 6 years ago

    To JP, you may just have to leave it for a while. Situations like these force you to make a choice – the best friend, or the girl. Since you won't break it off, you have, whether you realised it or not, chosen her over him.

    Maybe one day you may be able to salvage something of the friendship, but bear in mind it may not happen any time soon, or that it will ever be the same as it was before.

    Such is the risk you take in these situations.

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    Mfundo 6 years ago

    I want to ask my ex friend's ex want me and i love him too should i date him?

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    Mfundo 6 years ago

    I want to ask my ex friend's ex want me and i love him too should i date him?

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    Beautifulbitch 6 years ago

    I think that if they were really your friend that they would not want to date anyone you were with whether it was sexual or not Your friend is suppose to know how it would make you feel

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    JP 6 years ago

    I have done the unthinkable, my best friend of 16 years dated this girl for 4 years. she dumped him. about a year later, me and the ex fell for each other. I asked for his blessing (maybe closer to bugged him for it) he sad yes. but once he realized she had feelings for me, he went off his rocker...its been a week and all he has said to me was I was dead to him and I'm lucky he doesn't beat the ever-loving-christ out of me. I feel like I've lost my best friend, but I love this girl so much. But to anybody who's done this, how do i initiate contact with my buddy without angering him? should I wait for him to contact me, or just accept the fact I did the most horrible thing a person can do to a friend, and just move on? This is so messed up...but she means enough to me that I wont break it off.

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    roxySquestions 6 years ago

    Been there done that, if you dont fall out with your friend straight away then always be awear they probably hate you behind your back and dont be supprised if some nasty rumors go around about you.

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    Chad 6 years ago

    So I read the article, and I gotta say I really agree with what's been said.

    I'm currently stuck in this twist as well. My friend whom I've known mutually through gym class for around 3 months has recently broken up with this girl. I've known his (now) ex from the same time through a different class, and have recently developed a strong friendship with her.

    I've started wondering what it would be like if his ex and I went out, and I use to never feel this way, I think it's because we've really gotten to know one-another.

    I hardly know the guy, he's nice, respectable, and overall I feel like we share a "Guy-bond".

    This being said, I doubt I'll take this anywhere with his ex, because I just have too much respect for the guy, and though I barely know him I do consider him a Bro.

    Just damn, why are the good one's always taken, and why do they have to be taken by people you know.

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    Kari 6 years ago

    I agree with KateWest, but at the same time it doesn't hurt any less. I was with my ex for a year and a half. He was very critical, judgemental and a narcissist to say the least. I ended up clinically depressed because of all I endured with him and at that time I was friends with another one of our mutual coworkers who I used to tell almost everything to. She was even the one who went with me to the hospital when I was so messed up and called my family. She used to say to forget him and move one. Well five years later I find out through him that they have been dating for 7 months. Apparently she is so happy with him (even though he says he will never get married and she really does) but she's willing to stick it out because he made her feel great, while he made me feel like a piece of crap. I'm sure that I don' want to be with a person like him anymore, even though at the time we were dating he was my entire world. But to have her do that, I feel betrayed after all she knew about us. I feel she is living my life because she has so many similarities to me and my way of life when I was her age (I'm 30, she's 27) It's just painful and I'm having a hard time moving on from this. I'd like to get opinions as to why this might be. If'm even going to therapy all over again for this!

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    KateWest 6 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

    I think when it's over, it's over and anyone is fair game. But if the guy has been a ratweasel to your friend, why would you even consider him? In that case, you'd be fairly warned.

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    Author

    Veronica 6 years ago from NY

    Thanks janellelk! I really appreciate your readership and all the inspiring and helpful comments you've left. Best to you!

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    janellelk 6 years ago

    What a hard question to answer. I feel like there is so much gray area to cover, it's impossible. I do have to say that I really enjoyed how you articulated your opinion. Thanks yet again! Another fantastic hub!

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    Christelle 6 years ago

    my ex boyfriend keeps dating other girls but he says he still likes me we wnt out for five years and then broke up. because he cheated on me he said he didnt cheat he said he forgot we were dating(we dated for 5 years how could he forget?) i want to ask him out because i dont think he has a girlfriend right now but i dont know if i can trust him or not im soooooo scared he will cheat on me again. what should i do my firnds say forget about him and move on but i cant seem to do that i try and try and try but just cant forget about him. i like him a lot next year we will be in 9th grade and i want to ask him before anybody else. please help

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    Zoe 6 years ago

    Ok so I have these two friends. One of them is one of my best friends who I have known for almost 10 years, we've been through all sorts of things together, she's completely nuts and can be obsessive and manipulative to people but has generally been a good friend to me. Over the past 2 years we have sort of drifted apart, especially as she has now moved away to another state. 

    2 years ago she started dating this guy who I was friends with. He was always the guy in the background, sweet and kind and always knew he'd be there if I needed him. They started dating and became really serious. Their relationship was a bit messed up, she ended up cheating on him 7 times with different people over the 2 years. He kept believing her when she would say it was the last time and because all his friends were friends with her as well they just tried to stay out of their problems. They decided that when she would move to another state for uni he would move with her. 

    So a month before he was due to move there he went to a concert out of town that 5 of us were going to as well, his girlfriend had already moved a few weeks before so she could start school. The night before the concert we all went out drinking and me and him spent the whole night talking and dancing with each other. By the end of if we were very drunk and ended up kissing. 

    The next day we felt horrible, went to the concert very hung over and told no one. That night we spent the whole time talking again and then his girlfriend called. Turned out she cheated on him again. 

    Anyway he ended up telling her he won't move there but he didn't dump her. We spent the next month Talking and emailing each other every day about absolutely everything but didn't do anything physical. We became extremely close and confessed that we both had a crush on each other. 

    As he wasn't moving there anymore she planned to come up for a week to see him (she gets here on Sunday). He told me 2 weeks ago that he is planning on dumping her when she comes to town because he wants to do it in person.... Except she could kind of tell he wasn't acting the same anymore and so she asked if he wanted to break up...he said yes. 

    So now there broken up and we have fallen for each other... And she gets here on Sunday. She is still coming up as her friends are here and she wants to say goodbye to his family. 

    Now me and him have decided to wait for a couple or months until we become "official" because I still am her friend and because he still cares for her. I honestly think his worth it...even if she never forgives me. 

    My question is: how do we tell her? I know we have to but how do I tell my oldest friend that I'm in love with the guy who just broke her heart, and that he loves me back? And when do I tell her? 

    Also how long should we wait?

    Please help!!!!

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    Mariana 6 years ago

    i'm doing a debate about " is it alright to date your bestfriend or friend ex?" My opinion is that it's alright if they broke up for over a month and you and the ex have strong feelings for each other. I mean, your friend had her/his chance but it didn't work, know it's your turn and it seems that you have many in common, you like each others company why not?

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    tialuv 6 years ago

    I met this guy whom i had several conversation with, we spoke a lot on the phone and thought we share a lot of common interest, after two months of texting n late nights conversations he decide to take me out, when he got to my house, he says "is this where you live?" i told him yes, then he told me tht the girl that lives there he had dated for four yrs when he was younger, i was shock, i spoke to my room-mate of one year about it, myself and her is not friends, but we do talk and she told me they both had a mutual breakup and that he was a good guy, i dont feel comfortable with that kind of life so as hard as it is, i told him i cannot see or talk to him again, it hurts cause i really like this guy, and he likes me, but growing up, some things are off limits and a room-mate ex is one of them, i am really sad though, but i feel it was the right thing to do.

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    Morigan 6 years ago

    I dont know how much help I can get with this one...but here goes...

    I've been in a 5 month relationship with a guy who i know i care alot about. we have been alot closer than i have ever been with any of my previous exes...he makes me feel good to be with him, and at the initial stage of our union i felt safe with him...unfortunately, there have been issues with regard to him having half naked pictures of a chick on his computer, pictures that cannot seem to be deleted (i came across these by accident, we were both at his computer and he didnt remebember he had left them out in the open...) after much debate he confessed that she sent them to him and he apologized for lying and so on. After that..i saw the pics again in a fold er marked "forbidden pics"...in his movie folder! again, wasnt searching for anything of the sort...of course, long story short, he "deleted" them. We've had issues after, it reached the stage i like to refer to as "cyaah badda" which is jamaican creole for "i cant be bothered"...so things started slipping between us...cemented by the fact that he was obviously cheating as far as im concerned...

    then something happened...i met someone else. A guy i met at a meeting, a friend of a friend..i had always heard about him but paid it no mind because i was seeing someone. But when i saw him in person i was totally caught up! the dude is so hot! i told our mutual friend how i felt and i kept goin on about him. Now, and i spoke online after realising that we had alot in common...he expressed to me that he liked me alot- for over a year...because our mutual friend would talk about me and he became fascinated with me through our various conversations since we met face to face...one night i was looking at his profile on fb and my bf says to me that he knows him. then i checked his friend list and realised that he and my bf are fb friends! now my dilemma was simple...i had to let him know that i have a bf...and that they are friend....we became close and it erked me that he didnt really know of my situation...but everytime i made an attempt to let him know what was goin on...he kept saying that he doesnt want to know..not yet.

    we went on a weekend trip with our mutual friend and another friend and ended up getting even closer, kissing and messing around...on the final night i decided i had to let him know...when i told him that i had a boyfriend he tells me that he knew all along. AND not only does he know but my boyfriend is his friend...they were BEST FRIENDS in high school! I was shocked! he knew all along and he didnt say anything to me...it all made sense why he didnt want to hear what i wanted t tell him!! he quickly tried to make me understand that he wasnt just trying to hook up with me but he wants to be with me...he knew that if i told him id expect that he would back offf...so he didnt want me to tell him..he said he knows he was selfish...but he felt like he should have gotten a chance to be with me first..

    now here is the sitaution..he and i spent an entire night takign about this...neither one of us wants to end it...but both of us dont know how to handle the situation because of the fact that he is friends with my bf...they are not close anymore but they are still friends...

    i still havent broken up with my bf as yet...and he is totally clueless about me seeing someone else...

    I dont want to let go off this guy because i really do like him....we simply click...in a way i never thought i could with someone else...but how do i deal with this?

    im even wondering if i should let this new guy go and just simply end my relationhip and be single for a while because being with this new guy will add even more stress to the situation...

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    kate 6 years ago

    I really wished some of my 'friends' read this before dating my ex's behind my back.

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    kate 6 years ago

    I really wished some of my 'friends' read this before dating my ex's behind my back.

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    sorry i cant tell you 6 years ago

    my friend is dating my ex im am pissed she didnt even ask me if it was ok i hate her now so on are way back to my house (we were in the bus) i slaped her realll hard i bet that well teach her i will smack her every day if i have too

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    Nova 6 years ago

    There was this girl who was a good friend of mine from sixth to 12th grade. This girl was a hopeless romantic who would choose a crush and obsess about him for years. She had even broken off friendships with girls who dared to say something negative about the guy of her dreams. In 9th grade, I met my own dream guy. It was pretty obvious to everyone that I liked him by the way I talked about him constantly although I refused to admit it because as a senior who was very popular with the girls and already had a girlfriend I felt like he was out of my league. Well, my talking about this guy rubbed off and she started liking him when we were 16. She pestered the crap out of him until he agreed to date her. I was jealous but I didn't say anything because I never directly told how I felt about him and I was dating someone else at the time. Well, their relationship ran its course for about a year. Then they broke up. A few months later, he and I started hanging out late nights at his house. Dumb 17 year old me thought it was totally just a platonic thing until one night he tried to kiss me. He confessed that he liked me and I resisted at first because I was seeing someone and I didn't want his ex to be mad at me but he continued to pursue me for several weeks and finally I gave in. I broke it off with the guy I was dating immediately but I didn't tell my friend right away. When I finally did tell her, she said she understood but a few days later I tried to instant message her and she responded saying she never wanted to hear from me again. At first, I felt guilty because they he was her ex, but once I thought about it, I realized that she started dating him knowing that I liked him already. Well, 5 years later, we still haven't made up but I am still with the guy. We are married now and have a kid, so I think I made the right choice.

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    6 years ago

    I really, really need some advice. Glad I found this article and hope an unbiased person can help.

    First off, I am in my 30's. I have been best friends with someone for 10 years, known each other since high school. We shared basically everything.

    I recently ended a relationship with a man I genuinely cared for. We dated about 3 months. It was long enough for me to realize that he did not feel the same for me. Being recently divorced, he wanted to date people. I have been divorced for 3 years and am looking for more than a casual partner. Knowing things were not moving in the right direction, we ended things.

    I was really upset. Granted, it was not a long relationship with him, but it was the first time I truly cared for someone since my divorce. My best friend was there to talk and support me through it.

    It's been two months since I ended things with this man, and last week my best friend told me she met him out for a drink about 3 weeks after we split. I feel completely betrayed. She said it was innocent but I can't help but feel like the entire time I was working to get over him, she was communicating with him behind my back. And it actually got to a point where she met him out.

    Feeling completely betrayed, I said some things to her which were awful and nasty and I now regret. I went to apologize and she told me I was obsessed with this man and she never needs to tell me anything anymore. Not even wanting to accept my apology makes me believe there is something going on with them.

    Am I being crazy? Should I just give it time? I am seriously starting to think this friendship is over and I am heartbroken over it.

    Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

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    aperson? 6 years ago

    Ok, so this is a somewhat odd dilema. My ex and I dated on and off for about a year, after awhile i barely saw him, and my friend's ex told me that my boyfriend didn't want to date me anymore. I totally believed him, but my ex was still talking to me, eventually i felt like I was being played with, and i stopped talking to him. Now, Im starting to see him around again, and hes talking to my best friend! whats worse is that her locker is right beside mine. After a week of them talking, they started dating! and Id never say anything about me feeling hurt to her, because, im a very softspoken, drama free character, but I really did like him and it hurts. She also told me that he thought I hated him so he stopped talking to me. What makes this drama worse, is that her ex (my ex's best friend) and I have been hanging out alot recently. we've gotten to know eachother for the past 3 months now, and people are starting to tell me that hes interested! and I like him alittle as well, butim afraid to tell him, because ive recently became close friends with another one of his ex's. She told me that if any of her friends touched hr ex's she'd go biserc! its just a tough situation for me because i knew him first, but i dont want to break up my new friendship, and im still slightly down since my best friend is dating my ex. Can anyone help? :p

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    Jesse Broman 6 years ago from Los Angeles

    extremely well written, and this has got to be the most comment text ever

    like your style

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    lost01 6 years ago

    So i met a girl in one of my classes and we became friends. At the time she was dating this guy. She broke up with him a month or so later because she needed space. She then started dating a new guy and me and her ex started talking. He was upset and I was trying to help him out, and make him feel better. She got upset about us talking so for a few months we didn't talk much at all. We recently started talking and hanging out here and there.. but she only knows we talk. She was a little upset about it and I don't want to make her mad... but me and her ex like each other and I don't want to go behind her back anymore.. but I know she will go off on me and she is pretty verbal and not afraid to well... bite my head off i guess you could say..

    What do I do?!

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    Peter Nguyen 6 years ago

    Seen a lot of Comments and replies due to this subject.

    I'm just about going off topic right now.

    Just gotten home from the Marine Corp.

    Spent my last 2 years in Okinawa, Japan.

    Came across a lot Marines & Sailors with Girlfriends

    & Wives.

    That just end up broken due to lack of Communication,

    Passion, or just being apart.

    Of course it goes both ways on the non military end.

    As well as those that are in it.

    Cheating with family, a friend, or another while your

    far far away.

    I had a girl that was soon to be my Fiance, after 2 years being together. (Gotten together a little before I left home for boot camp)

    Been about a year since I been home. (That Time)

    Long Story short.

    She had went off with another guy.

    Someone her mother introduced to.

    For about 1-2 months.

    She would still tell me she loved me.

    and wishing for me to come home.

    After that, out of the blue.

    we lose all communication.

    Finishing my time.

    Doing what I could for my Marines & my Unit.

    Chose not to contract her because I feel as though I'd

    be too much.

    When shes the one that cut me off.

    Why should I be the one sitting in despair & desperation,

    Wanting her back.

    Though it did took me a couple weeks or so of drinking & being with my boys, and being Marines.

    I'm home now.

    I look at females so differently now.

    Course not all are the same.

    Just a lot more secure with my heart.

    Point I'm getting to.

    Past year I haven't thought of her.

    But today I came across a picture of her I kept with me

    Where ever I went during my time in service.

    (used Clear Tape to protect it) T.T

    I have this feeling of anger or rage.

    Though I don't know this guy.

    Who he is, or what he do.

    Just his name is ... Well frankly I forgotten his name,

    Only remember that it starts with a D. and He's from Connecticut. (I'm from Philadelphia, as well as she is)

    But I just have this erg.

    To just beat this guy down.

    To just break every bone he has.

    If he hurts her.

    But I still haven't spoken to her since then.

    Just hard to think of being with someone right now.

    To understand what I been though.

    How I became Cpl Nguyen of United State of Marine Corp.

    Though of course.

    Its part of my past now.

    And I'm home,

    and home for good.

    Question is,

    Should I just call her?

    Or leave it be til she decide to contract me. (leave it be and carry on)

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    DeeDee 6 years ago

    Ok, So I could really use some help here... I have a huuuge dilemma and it goes way beyond attration.

    So, My best friend Chloe used to date this guy Matt for like a year. Well, they had kinda a Love / Hate relationship.. and honestly I didn't really like him when they were together because she told me such horrible things about him. She told me how controlling his was and I rarely saw her happy. Well finally toward the end.. She ended up sleeping with someone else.. And Matt.. was done. They had a huge falling out.. and as soon as She saw that he was not at her beckon call anymore, she went insane and was like " I love matt I love matt.. " So It was just really hard to watch. I knew Matt was always a great guy because he was always respectful, but I just didn't think that those two were good for each other because she is such a free spirit and he is much more reserved.

    Ok, That is beside the point. So Chloe, ended up leaving (were in the military) to London. She said she was FORCED To go.. which Is hard for me to believe because that is just an unlikely set of orders.. however, I though deep down that maybe she just wanted to rid herself of matt once and for all. So she has been gone now for a little over a year. She has had TWO serious BF since than, and seems to be fine with it.. but every once in a while she will tell me that she Loves matt so much and just misses him and wants to be with him still. AND it is SOOO dramatic every time.

    Well, about three months ago, matt and I found each other on Facebook and just started casually talking.. We really get along well and he always makes me smile. I have been through so much with relationships.. and he is slmost "perfect" for me. I love everything about him. I told Chloe that we were talkin as friends.. and she didn't mind.. to me. But, she emailed matt and was totally dramatic about it and said all kinds of mean things. It was like a different Chloe than I have ever known.. This girl is my best friend, and she is referring to me as "that bitch" to him. I couldn't believe it. Well, I hadn't talked to her in a little over a month but I continued to keep in touch with matt. We starting talking more and more.. and we hung out.. and We fell in love. I am so head over heels for him and vice versa its just unbelievable and so hard to explain. However, I just recently cut him off because I can't bear telling her the truth. I don't want to hurt her like that.. I am afraid of what she will say or do.. but part of me feels like if she were really as great of friend as she is supposed to be that she would want me to be happy, right? I dont know. I am completely heart broken because I feel like I have given up one of the very few things that bring me complete happiness. :( I feel horrible for loving him... and I never meant for this to happen. I know that, "the damage is done".. but I am just so scared to tell her. Someone please help.. I need objective opinions.. becasue our mutual friends and people who know us just arent cutting it..

    Thanks

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    belladonna 6 years ago

    so my situation is that the guy i sort of like is the guy who my friend dated for a year and a half. shes one of my best friends, and she has moved on and is dating someone else, and doesnt really mind but the problem is that most of the time i feel so guilty about liking him (and almost hooking up with him) that i dont tell her about it and shes furious about that. he really likes me alot, and i like him a bit, but now hes gone to study and we're doing long distance - and before he started liking me i never even considered him. my friend knows we almost hooked up but ive never been able to tell her clearly whats been happening with him and now hes going around telling everyone we're dating.....i sound completely confused, and trust me i am!!! i love my friend, i sort of like this guy but i keep remembering them as a couple and i feel even worse about it....and im not being able to tell him anything about how im feeling either.

    i love talking to him and chilling with him and im attracted to him as well...but not enough to lose my friend over it.

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    Legend16 6 years ago

    I think you cant. I think its wrong cause then your best friends gf or bf will come in the middle of your friendship and then its all bad. Thats my opinion but i like to hear everyones opinion.

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    Alexx Quattrone 6 years ago

    I dont think you should. I think its just wrong.

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    KK 6 years ago

    I was sleeping with a girl casually for about a month whilst at university, we stopped seeing each other before the xmas break, ive come back and now my flat mate and close friend is now seeing her. I dont want to fall out with him or her, but i am annoyed at him for going behind my back, i know me and her were not in a relationship but i feel he was betrayed me! i agree with bob!! stay away from friends ex's! it is only going to end bad....

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    KK 6 years ago

    I was sleeping with a girl casually for about a month whilst at university, we stopped seeing each other before the xmas break, ive come back and now my flat mate and close friend is now seeing her. I dont want to fall out with him or her, but i am annoyed at him for going behind my back, i know me and her were not in a relationship but i feel he was betrayed me! i agree with bob!! stay away from friends ex's! it is only going to end bad....

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    Rojido 6 years ago

    Agree with Bob... no no, guys don't date each others ex's and they don't even ask, unless the conversation has come up before and you have made prior agreements. Otherwise, don't even mention it, just forget about it. There are billions of other girls...

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    sadie 6 years ago

    I am debating on if I should date my friends and ex husbands best friend.

    Right now we are all friends. My girlfriend has asked me not to date her ex, but she is in a passionate love affair right now and doesnt want him back.......what do you think?

    We have lots in common and he knows my history.

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    Anthony  6 years ago

    So, I have a question... I am best friend's/roommates at college with a guy... He dated a girl 2 years ago for a couple of months but it wasn't that serious...

    She and I have been friends for about as long as my roommate knew her.. We are starting to become very close and starting to really click/like each other... However, although the relationship wasn't long or serious, he still seems to not be over her, regardless of how many times she says she only sees him as a friend and always will....

    What do you think I should do? I really want to be with her and think she's an amazing person , and of course at the same time I don't wanna hurt my friend's feelings.

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    Lauren 6 years ago

    Ok the post 2 weeks a go ill just call you kate ok and just because you have sex with some one doesnt mean they are the best ok and i think dan here is willing to help u out but chose whatever makes u happy kate ok

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    6 years ago

    i've had a long, tumultuous, but wonderful relationship with my boyfriend (my first real relationship, too). we'll call him dan. we've been on and off, but have always been extremely passionate and very in love. we've both cheated on each other and gotten over it. however, about a month and a half ago, we broke up with me out of nowhere because he wanted to "find himself." we have grown together to such an extent that it's hard to imagine being apart, and we both feel very weak and dependent on one another. he broke my heart (again) and i was left confused and lost. however, about three weeks ago, i stared feeling better - liberated, even. i missed him, but i started considering the good things about being apart. one night at a friend's house, i was with a good friend (we'll call him nick) and i ended up making the first move, which soon enough turned into heated sex on the sofa. we had been good friends for a while, and were very comfortable. we started talking more, and realized we had feelings for each other, and he admitted that he had been in love with me since he met me four years ago. i was happy, and ready to go for it, because the more time we spent together, the more i was sure i wanted to try something new.

    then it got complicated. a week later, dan suddenly wants to get back together. he claims he can't be without me, and i believe him, because we truly were "crazy in love" haha. but i also feel like he's just lonely. still, i agreed, because i do still love him. i have always told nick everything about our relationship, so i let him know, but we continued to talk. a week later, after spending the evening with both of them (we're all in the same group of friends), i realized i wasn't as happy to be with dan as with nick, but i had already agreed to stay the night at dan's. i felt uncomfortable, and we didn't have sex. i missed nick.

    a few days after, nick came to my place. we had wonderful sex and realized more and more our feelings. i don't know if it's my thirst for something new and liberating, or if it's genuine, but either way it seems to be making me happy. we've been spending more and more time together.

    more complications. nick's ex girlfriend is still in love with him, and we are good friends who confide in each other. she still talks to me about nick, and i feel terrible letting her confide in me when i'm sleeping with him. i don't want to lose her as a friend, but i realize news about nick and i will probably get out eventually and hurt her anyway. on top of that, another good friend of mine has liked nick for a long time. he liked her for some time also, but he ultimately rejected her, and she has been depressed about it. i know this will hurt her too. finally, there's dan, whom i still love. in my heart, i feel like we can still make it work and be happy in the future, but my mind tells me its time to let go and stop trying to patch up what's been broken for so long.

    WHAT DO I DO?!

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    Jonas 6 years ago

    Great article. I can only say this for myself, but men(like me) are really territorial. When I see my ex sitting with her boyfriend, I'll get a feeling that i've lost something important.

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    Eishmaille:) 6 years ago

    Hey Veronica your advice sounds excellent and i believe it will work its just that im worried. My friend isnt a very very close one, but she is one of my teamates, and we are in a school organization together. Plus her ex boyfriend aka my new crush, have been off and on for years. And when they are together its for a pretty good while,and when they arent they still are close and hang out. I guess what im trying to say is, since they are this close, is it worth me trying to date him?

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    cnn~ 6 years ago

    I have a problem. A good friend of mine (or at least i considered her one)was dating this guy for the incorrect reasons. She basically was with him beacuse he offered her stability and care for her, however was very selfish and talks behing him. They finally broke up. She actually was pleased that happened and many times told me how happy and relieved she was of having broken up with him. This guy starts calling me a couple of months after, initially I avoided him, but then i started feeling attracted to him and found things in common. As soon as I started noticing my feeling for him were changing talked to her. initailly she reacted very well, stating it was fine with her if I tried something with him, but shortly after that she told me we couldn't be friends anymore since I ahd acyed incorrectly. Now she does not talk to me. The guy and I are doing great. Sometimes I still wonder if I did the right thing. Any advice....?

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    wes 6 years ago

    Just got dumped becouse she found numbers that where saved in my phne to my sim card i got the numbers when we were on a split for 3 months. and i did earse them when we got back together. did not know they wnere on my sim card.4 years we were together and my ex's best friends cousin likes me and i kinda like her it could be something but i still love my x but she is with someone already but she still wants to call and talk to me and text some times.i have talked to the best friends cuz a once on phone and afew text. what should i do is it ok for me to date her or should i sit around and wait while my x is with this new guy

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    the friend that was dumped 6 years ago

    I think it all depends on the break up, and the timing. 3 years later and you bump into him and your friend has clearly moved on and is happy why not? 6 months later and all of you still see each other on a regular basis I would have to say no. Especially when he or she are using the exact same words or shall I say lines on you that he or she used on your friend.

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    Mischa 6 years ago

    I was with my ex for about 3yrs. We lived together for some of that time. We broke up about 6 months ago (mutual decision), which was amicable. We're still in contact every now and then. I've always got on well with his friend and we've been going out as mates for the last couple months. Really recently we kissed and now have started to kind of date. My ex doesn't know what's happened and I think he'd be angry/hurt if he found out even though he's also moved on and is dating someone else. I don't whether we should tell him or what to even tell him because its only been a kiss and I don't know where it's going yet. I don't want to hurt my ex or mess up their friendship but I like this guy. But they are pretty close mates. So confused...any advice?

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    Melissa 6 years ago

    So I'm actually on the other side of this! My ex and I broke up 2 years ago (I know, ages ago) and we only dated for about 6 months. I became really good friends with this other guy, who later on, I found out was actually really good friends with my ex. We have now started to date and I just am not sure if it's okay. I know that I wouldn't be comfortable if my ex boyfriend started dating one of my close friends...

    Any advice would be great!!

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    Amanda 6 years ago

    HELP! I know there's a certain moral code that all girls are supposed to uphold when it comes to their friends, especially their 3 am friends. And believe me when I say that it's there for a reason. Dating a guy your best friend loved for years might be wrong, but what if the situation is different.

    My 3 am friend talked to this guy for a few weeks, they hung out a few times and kissed only once or twice. She was head over heels and he just wasn't interested. He and I clicked the day we met. We're both witty and funny and laid back and it just works.

    I told her we talked, and she lost it. I thought I was doing the right thing by coming clean. Nothing had happened with us, we hadn't even hung out. She hates me and I don't know what to do.

    I know I'm a bad friend for breaking the code, but what about her? Isn't it wrong to not step out of the way for someone who could potentially really have something?

    HELP!

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    jessica 6 years ago

    wow! it's such a sensitive topic and I guess nobody expected himself to get involved in such situations. Veronica, your comments are great and really wise. I have my story to tell and will really appreciate if you give me some advice. So I have my 3 am friend and I guess this is a key phrase. I'd say she is my #1 friend, who I talk to over the phone like 5 times a day. She was dating a guy and even living with him for 2 years. However, she knew that she was the one working on their relationship, he didn't love her. Anyways, he is handsome, smart and, as someone put here, "marriage package". And yet after sometimes she got tired of him being cold to her,and realized that he doesn't already love him either. So she broke up with him, there was no drama at ll.And they remained friends. That was in May and right after that she tried to date like 5 or 6 guys already but it didn't work out. As you may see, now I'm gonna tell that somehow it turned that me and her ex found out that we have crazy crush on each other. The problem is...though I know she was the one who decided to split, it was still the relationship for 2 years and she loved him..and also I was listening all her stories, complaints and details...so now I'm so frustrated. I know and completely agree that I need to be honest with her and maybe try to ask whether she doesn't mind me seeing him. He told me,in his turn, that he can talk to her himself and let her know that he likes me. But that doesn't change anything cause that is only between me and her. Now, I know she'd tell me that she doesn't care, she's just surprised and totally doesn't understand how I can be interested in him knowing so many bad things about him and what happened to me for start liking him . Anyways, what I do know she'd just be upset and keep the distance from me. And I love her so much and it's the last thing I want. For the guy, I didn't date anyone seriously for a long time,I don't fall in love easily. And I have strong feeling for him. mutual...Help me, please!!!

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    katelyn 6 years ago

    ok so my bff diana ex is so hot she still has feelings for him and me and my other bff shay like him too. diana jokes with us and tells us to ask him out but one time in PE shay flirted with him and diana would not talk to her till i asked her if she was flirting shay was and they didnt talk for 2 weeks my other bff melany told me he was flirting with me so i was happy.so we all went to class and she got mad at me for talking to him more then her.so do i go for it or not. PS.im kind of scared to go for it because our friendship is already falling apart as it is. HELP ME!

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    tr_7 6 years ago

    ok i need some advice.

    I have been with my bf for 3 years, we live together and work together.

    but i have recently developed feeling for his friend.

    we're really good friends, but he says that he could never date me coz my bf has.

    We did flirt for abit until recently when we said we should stop as it wasnt fare on my bf, which it isnt.

    I do love my bf, his my best friend but i'm so confused.

    I dont want to fall for his friend completely coz i dont want to hurt anymore than i do, but im scared im going to and i dont want to lose my bf, and i defiantly dont want to hurt him. please help

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    o_jr 6 years ago

    Hi Veronica, I'v liked this girl since our 1st yr in college but didn't ask her out bcos we

    are friends n i didn't want 2 mess things up, plus i wasn't ready 4 a relationship .A mutual

    friend of ours asked her out, n they started dating; i was devastated.I somehow buried my

    feelings, so i wouldn't mess up their relationship-seriously, it was hard. I couldn't help

    thinking: what if i'd asked her out... I recently found out they'd split-don't know how

    long, but i think it's been a while. I n this girl still keep in touch; she's about d only

    girl i'm free with.I don't know if she likes me enough 2 go out with me, but there was this

    1 time in our 1st yr she sent me a card where she wrote:'i'd like 2 know u better.' i want 2

    ask her out, but i keep havin this weird feeling about what pple might think since she is my

    friend's ex. I also hv not asked a girl out b4, so i was wondering if you could help. I need

    some advice, ps. It will be difficult to see her in person, so i'm thinking of calling and

    letting her know how i feel. Thanx.

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    Pat 6 years ago

    Laura,

    I think that you should tell your friend Haley. You dont want her to get hurt and you still have feelings for this guy. I also think that you should tell her how you still have feelings for this guy, maybe she will understand, and if she doesnt then tell her how you still have feelings for him. Maybe she will understand. And if she doesnt than you warned her. You cant save everyone but you can try. I dated a guy that broke up with me and when I say broke up..I mean he used the DUMBEST line..he used.."Its not you, its me."

    Well now he is dating my friend and i told her how he broke my heart and how once he got done with her he would break her heart.

    She told me that she appreciated my concern but she could handle herself. Then he dumped her and she is a huge WRECK. but i worned her and she didnt belive me...

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    bobby 6 years ago

    Can you help me..me and ex had been going out for just over two years. We split up but have met a couple times since without friends knowing. It was only last time I found out my best friend has been constantly texting her. I know he likes her but he wont admit it to me and she wont get my logic either. Its tearing me apart I duno what to do

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    laura 7 years ago

    im in a slightly different situation then most people. I'm the 'friend' whose friend decided to go out with my ex. I'll tell the whole story from the beginning. ok so me and my friend haley both started at the same school last year, and i started crushing on a guy named ben and she started crushing on a guy named sam. so then after christmas ben asks me out and i said yes and haley went out with sam. me and sam started having feelings for eachother and we decided to tell haley and ben because we felt guilty. I broke up with ben because it just wasn't working and haley and sam continued to go out. so later on sam and haley brokeup because they kept on arguing and sam asked me out and i said yes. I said yes because haley literally had no feelings wat so ever for sam anymore. We dated for 4 months but we brokeup. It was one of the most devastating things i have ever gone through. It actually happened during exam week and i was crying throughout an exam. so we just started a new year at school and sam asked haley out again and she said yes. she rang me up on the phone and told me and asked me if i was ok with it and i said i was fine. But i lied. I am not fine. In fact I still really like him. So wat do i do? Like i could try getting over sam but i've been trying that for 3 months. I'm also afraid that sam might hurt haley the way he did to me and i don't want to see that happen

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    Pat 7 years ago

    Okay, Stepanie. I think that you should confount him. He is obviously being weird and secretive about something. If you really like this guy then I think that you should go for him, (or adleast try your best to get him to talk to you) maybe hes nervous. And if your friend Sam (who likes him??) is really a friend they wouldnt have told him to not talk to you. But that is my opinion, you never know what runs through a guys head. I think you need to maaybe call or talk to in person to this boy. And i think you should confrount your friend Sam. But dont asume things right away. Do alittle CSI and investigate. Maybe it doesnt have anything to do with Sam. But maybe it does. Asking always helps I have come to learn. If that doesnt work then maybe you can try and have your other friends help to get him to talk, they all seem willing to help, and they are good friends.

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    stephanie 7 years ago

    Ok So I need help! Like ASAP...I was with this boy Chase and we realy liked eachother then I broke up with him because I thought I was losing intrest in him . I realized that I made a mistake so I told him I was sorry and that I messed up.he said it was ok and to stop bringing myself down that he hates seeing me cry. Then later my best friend texted me and said I told Chase I like him ... she wanted to call him and ask him who he liked better me or her I told her not to call him she said ok. The next day I texted him and said hey (no reply) so I asked alyssa to call him and ask him a question she said do u like steph he said not realy why she said no reason .then she toldme and I said that's wired cause it seemed like he liked me again .? Then I texted him again and what's up?(no reply again) then I asked my friend haley to text him he replied right away . This seemed weird that he is talking to everyone else but me I think my friend sam said something to him to not text me but Idk tell me what you think. -stephanie

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    stephanie 7 years ago

    Ok So I need help! Like ASAP...I was with this boy Chase and we realy liked eachother then I broke up with him because I thought I was losing intrest in him . I realized that I made a mistake so I told him I was sorry and that I messed up.he said it was ok and to stop bringing myself down that he hates seeing me cry. Then later my best friend texted me and said I told Chase I like him ... she wanted to call him and ask him who he liked better me or her I told her not to call him she said ok. The next day I texted him and said hey (no reply) so I asked alyssa to call him and ask him a question she said do u like steph he said not realy why she said no reason .then she toldme and I said that's wired cause it seemed like he liked me again .? Then I texted him again and what's up?(no reply again) then I asked my friend haley to text him he replied right away . This seemed weird that he is talking to everyone else but me I think my friend sam said something to him to not text me but Idk tell me what you think. -stephanie

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    Patty 7 years ago

    Hey Sam, I kinda had the same problem that i just solved. I liked this guy for a little over a year but he was dating one of my closest friends. He broke up with her on a Friday and she had another boyfriend by Saturday. Since she moved on, and he told me how he feels about me and i finally got to tell him after a long long year, he asked me out. I told him to wait a litte while because I didnt want to lose her as a friend. When i talked to her and told her how we liked eachother she asked me not to go out with him or anything. Then after like two days i relized if she was really my friend she would want me to be happy too, and she has a boyfriend. I have been going out with this guy for a little over a week now and im sooo happy with him, i lost her as a friend, and belive me we were really close, but i belive if she was my friend she would put everything aside and want me to be happy to. Maybe some day she will forgive me, but i dont know.

    So i think you should tell your gf that if her friend really was a friend she would want her to be happy.

    Hope i helped!

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    Patty 7 years ago

    So im a 9th grader in high school. one of my close friends just got dumped by her boyfriend on friday (today is thursday)and she already had a new boyfriend by saturday. Well last yr when i moved to the town i live in now i really liked this guy(her ex) well i just pushed him aside cuz they ended going out and were off and on all 8th grade yr. well me and him started talking alot and he likes me and i like him, but my friend says she still likes him. i have an equal amount of friends telling me diffrent things. but i think if she still really liked the guy i like she wouldnt have a boyfriend. i really like this guy and she now knows that but shes still sitting between us. idk what to do. ive loved this guy for a little over a yr. Help pleezz!

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    Sam 7 years ago

    right i was with her ex for 3days about a month ago, she still really likes me but i've been with her friend for about 2weeks in secret, she's getting really stressed because she doesn't want to lose her friend but she cant stp thinking she will, she wont bring it out to her friend because she is too scared to hurt her but she really doesn't want to lose me and nor me to her, i feel towards her like nothing i've ever felt towards anyone before and i really want it to work and i think she's getting towards a point of ending us and i really don't wnat this to happen and i don't know what we can do to get out of this, she's upset her friend before with things like this and being forgiven but she recons this time will be the last straw :/

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    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Courtney,

    "..(she) ended up breaking her own heart." - is a great line. Well written.

    I don't think you should ask permission, but I believe you should tell her how you feel before anything happens. The sooner the better. Just be honest like you were here. Tell her, you've never lied to her, but as time has gone on your feelings have changed toward this boy. Tell her, nothing has happened, but you wanted her to know how you felt.

    If she asks if he feels the same about you, tell her yes he does. But again, nothing has happened.

    If you ask, you're giving her the power to decide for both of you what you will do. If she says no, and you two get together anyway, that's going to make it even harder on her. But by just telling her that you have feelings for him, you're letting her know you want to be honest and you respect her.

    You may be surprised at how she takes the news that you have feelings for him. She may say she already knew, and thought this was coming. She may be shocked and get mad at you. Whatever her reaction, you can reinforce that you can't help how you feel, and these feelings are new for you too, you had no idea you would wind up feeling this way.

    One day at a time.

    Good luck to you all.

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    Courtney 7 years ago

    Okay so I am in highschool, and my friend dated this boy for about a month and a bit... She broke it off with him because she thought she didn't like him. Pretty much right after she broke it off she realized that maybe she did like him still and sort of ended up breaking her own heart. Me and her ex have been really close friends for a long while as well, I've remained neutral in their situation. But her ex and I have gotten even closer recently and I've just realized that I feel for him in a "more than friends" manner... And I know he's liked me in that way for quite some time now. And about a month ago I reassured my (girl) friend that I didn't see her ex in that way and that me and him were just really good friends, which was true, but then a week or so after that I started feeling more. So it's been almost 6 months since they broke up... And I don't know how to go about this situation. Like, him and I are probably going to date. Do I ask her first if she's okay with it?? Or do I tell her how I feel for him? I know she was even upset with the fact that him and I are bestfriends, but I think it was because she was never as close with him as I am, And the fact that she broke up with him should make things a little easier... But I am just stuck!!!

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    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Luke,

    This group sounds quite casual, and young, and I wouldn't stress the fact that she's you're friend's ex. She has a bf sort of, your friend has a gf but just drunk-sexed her again... Really I don't think you have to worry. The one thing you should do is just let your friend know. Just tell him you kind of like her. You don't have to have a whole conversation, you don't have to have a conclusion. Just let him know for the sake of the friendship, and then move on in the conversation. You don't even know if she really does like you, or is still way into the ex since she drink fucked him while having a bf.

    It's an interesting group there. Give your friend just a small heads up. and then follow your heart.

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    Luke 7 years ago

    I'm in this situation where I'm starting to get feelings for one of my bestfriends ex's, they went out for 5/6 months or so and broke up many months ago, as well. And I was her friend a while ago but we drifted apart because of my friend and her breaking up, and before they did there was a big group of friends (Like me, my friends, and their girlfriends) and after the two couples of the group broke up the group split apart and I stopped talking to the girls.

    Well recently this group has gotten back together and it's just like old times, it's great, everyone's having fun, but like I said I'm getting feelings for my friends ex and I think she's the same toward me, we both really flirt with each other and we had a small peck on the lips, too, which was great, but we were also both a little drunk, and later on she asked if I would kiss her sober(and I would), but I stupidly said maybe as her friend was there and of course because of my friend.

    And what ticked me off even more the day we kissed she and my friend had drunken sex, for the first time since breaking up and that royally pissed me off because my friend has a girlfriend and is obviously only using her for sex. The girl also has a sort-of boyfriend(if that makes sense), but they've only been going out for a week or so and she's said openly she doesn't have feelings for him. I'm also not sure if she still has feelings for my friends, so this situation is so messed up.

    Please help :(

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    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Lola,

    Any one, under any circumstances, if he doesn't choose you, should be considered as exactly that: someone who did not choose you. I don't think I would fight to get someone who wasn't willing to fight for me.

    In your situation, all the wounds are still very fresh. Why not just give this some time and see what happens with this friend of your ex.

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    Lola 7 years ago

    I need your advice...

    My boyfriend recently broke up with me.. I was upset for a few days. During the break up, HIS friend would text me as a friend, asking how I was doing so we began talking that way. Well 2 weeks ago, my ex's friend told me he had a crush on me. I admitted I had a crush on him as well. He asked me out on a date and everything was great. We clicked and I can't seem to get him out of my head.

    This situation has been difficult for him because he is friend's with my ex but they aren't GREAT friends. He feels closer to me. He wants us to date, but feels like he can't betray his friend.

    I have strong feelings for him but he keeps going back and forth whether or not he wants to pursue a relationship with me.

    I told him we have to tell my ex soon, we can't hide it. And he has to know that if we were to tell my ex, he would risk not being friends with him.

    I want him to choose me, but right now I am just waiting for him to decide if he wants to tell my ex the truth or just end things with me. If he chooses his friend, I told him we can't even talk anymore. I need to guard myself and try to get over him.

    My question is, if he decides to choose his friend, should I respect his wishes and stop talking to him? Or should I fight for my happiness? I've never felt this way about anyone and I don't want to regret not fighting for him and wondering what if.

    What should I do?

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    Confusedx593483 7 years ago

    Alright, my story is pretty crazy but now I just have no idea what to do. It all started last year when I was dating a guy, and he had a friend (we'll call him K) and I ended up hooking him up with my friend (we'll call her S). The two of them ended up being "f buddies" and three months later I broke up with my guy and I hated his friend K because of some shit that happened. S and K continued for a bit, but then stopped seeing eachother as well. She also cheated on him a bunch of times, and said she had no feelings for him by the end of it. My ex ended up passing away this year, and me and K got closer because of this. S told me that she would be mad if we started to create feelings for eachother. Unfortunately and unexpectedly, me and K did. I told S that K liked me, and I didn't know what to do. S told me to just be careful. So I was, but it didn't stop me and K from being together alot. I actually started to like him so much. S found out from one of K's friend that I was seeing him without her knowing, and she FREAKED. She was a biotch about it and made my business public to a bunch of other people. She was acting selfish and just down right nasty towards me. I apologized and told her I would stop seeing him. She also told me that they slept together before I brought it up to her the first time. So is he the bad guy for not telling me this or should I just shrug it off cause they ARE exes, he was hurt from my ex passing, and we didn't even like eachother THAT much in the beginning?

    She hasn't been the best of friend though lately, she's just starting to get on my nerves because of how NOT of a good friend she is. I've always been there for her, and she's tried to be there for me too but I don't see her being grateful for all that Ive done (minus sneaking behind her back, okay I'll give her that but trust me, I've done enough for that girl).

    Unfortunately, I kept talking to K as a friend, but now my feelings are probably stronger than ever for him (also mutual for K) and she doesnt know again. Yes, I should tell her but really, I don't even know if I want to be friends with her. It'll just be like breaking up with a loved one though, so now I'm honestly confused and don't know who's more worth it. Help, give me some insight, somehow!

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    Tygalilly 7 years ago

    Dear Veronica:

    I posted here about two months ago and thought it was only fitting that I added an update so people who find themselves in this situation can see one of the myriad ways it could develop.

    My own situation has spiralled into the stuff of soap operas – becoming a tornado that has sucked at least two other friendships into the vortex of confusion.

    *Sigh* where do I begin? 'The her' and I share a couple friends, and there are two she confided in - albeit telling them only parts of the truth, making it seem like nothing was going on. She even went on to tell them that I was 'obsessed' with 'the him' and didn't want anyone to have him since I couldn't.

    Their friendships remained intact and mine whithered because they believed what 'the her' said until things came to the first head and I showed them the email that 'the him/the ex' sent, begging me to talk to him and for our friendship back.

    After that 'the her', prompted by 'the him' called to apologise. But because the situation was by now so dirty and muddled, I emailed them both and told them I wanted nothing more to do with it or them.

    The friends 'the her' and I shared saw a glimpse of who was obsessed when she hastily packed her bags and took off for 'the him's' country of residence for a visit. She tells them she's still involved with her BF, while she's told 'the him' that she's single.

    The plot continues to thicken. All the while, I feel like I've been treated by the 'friends' we shared like I'm the one that did something wrong.

    I guess I missed the memo where I was supposed to jump for joy at all the confusion. I guess I'll keep you guys posted on what happens next.

    But my question is: Will it ever go away?

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    Kim 7 years ago

    Veronica I'm in desperate need for help! I have this friend (girl) who is very very sweet and a lot of guys like her, but it rarely goes further than a few dates, blowing them off and making out with them when later when she's drunk.

    About 5 months ago she started 'dating' this guy, I mean they went out but since they were never boyfrend and girlfriend they never even kissed. And since he is a really good guy I know for a fact that she hasn't kissed him drunk, to this day.

    To make this short, she told him he wasn't really what she was looking for or something like that and they 'broke up'. They went out for about two months in total. She wasn't upset about it and i think she got over it in a healthy way (I mean she doesn't call him when she's drunk like she does with the other guys.

    OK everything is great.. up to a few weeks ago when i saw him on a bar, we only exchanged looks because we have never been formally introduced, but we both know who the other one is. The next day we began chatting on messenger and we have almost everyday since then. I had always looked at him as a friend and nothing more and I thought he did too, until last week when he started asking me for my number, I freaked out and changed subject he didn't insist. Anyways, he has been very flirty this past week and he has asked me out several times, and I would like to go out with him, but i feel guilty just by talking to him.

    The thing is, I think I actually like him more than I allow myself to admit, we have a lot in common and I really enjoy talking to him. But I feel really bad for my friend because I love her and would never want to hurt her. I don't know whether to tell her or wait to see if there is even a need of telling her, I mean, if there is even a reason to be worried (only reason being that he likes me as much as I think). Should I tell her what I suspect? Or should I go out with him once and see how I feel about it?

    Well I really hope you answer Veronica, I know it's an old post but I really need some advice. Just for the record we (me and my friend) are both fresh out of high school, he's 4 years older than both of us.

    Ps. LOVED! absolutely LOVED the hub!

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    jonafern 7 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    Thanks Veronica. I've been feeling very weary about this whole situation. It feels really good to be able to get some good advice from someone who knows this topic inside out.

    I can't thank you enough. You've really cleared things for me.

    Thanks

    Jonathan

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    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Jonafern,

    Your feelings are justified.

    First of all, it's pretty much ok to feel the way you feel no matter what. Acting on those feelings is what you have to be careful about.

    Your friend doesn't sound like much of a friend at all. Laughing in your face when you were brave enough to bridge this conversation and even offer your feelings of uncomfortableness, makes him the ass. And afterward you spoke all the time. He had plenty of opportunities to apologize to you for being so immature and ignorant.

    Basically this is what the article is about: being honest and showing respect to your friends.

    Your wording is very clear throughout your comment. The problem is the way they went about it, not the fact that they discovered they had feelings for each other. As you so bravely admitted to your friend initially, seeing them together made you uncomfortable. But what has you feeling betrayed and thinking about punching, are the acts of selfishness and betrayal. Your "best friend" clearly does not give a shit about your feelings, or in showing you even the slightest bit of respect. That sly phone call (great word for it btw) was his way of doing what he may have been pushed to do by X, but twisting so that he serves only himself.

    I'm sorry you had to go through this. It could have gone alot differently than this. My thoughts - you don't need a best friend like him. Nobody does. Laughing at you when you asked?? And then that sly phone call?? Nope, I wouldn't be friends with anyone that asinine. As for X, I don't know enough about her, other than that she let this happen, and that says alot about her.

    Good luck to you.

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    jonafern 7 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    Just wondering if I could get your thoughts on a situation of mine. My best friend recently just started dating one of our friends (call her X). X and I hooked up and kind of saw each other for about a month about 9 months ago, my best friend not knowing this ever happened. Over several months before they acknowledged they were dating, us three became pretty close, and X became pretty much a notch below my best friend (we were good friends before but our friendship increased).

    I moved out of state in February, when I came back up in April to visit, I noticed my best friend and X started to have something for each other. They seemed to not know this themselves, but my intuition picked it up. I felt really weird when they started hugging each other one night, and when I went back to my new state, I spoke to my best friend and asked him if anything was going on between them. I told him I felt really weird about them dating/romantic with each other.

    His response was pretty much a smack in the face. He pretty much laughed at my face for suggesting something was 'happening' between them. Anyway about 1.5 months after that conversation, they ended up telling me they were dating/seeing each other. And I felt very very betrayed. More from my BF and some from my 'close to best friend' X. I spoke to them both on skype nearly every day, so I felt like they were lying to me the whole time.

    On top of this, my best friend teases me about X ALL the time, we have this inside joke about her being my 'wife' and over time I just played along with it. And he was still teasing me about her even when they started romantically. Is that not sly? Also, when he finally decided to tell me about it. He tells it to me in the most slyest way, he rings me up 7am in the morning and says, 'hey buddy, is it ok if I date your wife?'? Half asleep, and not knowing if he was joking or not, I said yeah thats fine and went back to sleep.

    Over the next few days and month now, the more I think about it, the more I want to not talk to him or both of them and punch him in the face.

    My question to you is, are my feelings towards this justified? Because when I tell them both my story, they pretty much make me sound like a complete ****ing idiot. I don't know. Your thoughts?

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    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Ro'Ann,

    You and your ex's friend were admirable, speaking honestly and openly with your ex about your feelings, and doing so before anything actually happened between you. You both handled this very well.

    Your ex is being selfish. If he's already moved on, why begrudge you and his friend the happiness you're seeking?

    And that is what this hub was about: sometimes even if you do everything right, this is still one of those subjects some people can't be OK about.

    Your ex has every right to feel the way he feels. The thing is, when you force someone to make a choice, they will. For me, anyone that puts any kind of condition on our friendship, isn't a friend.

    A real friend should be your friend, no matter what. If I were you I would tell your ex you respect his feelings and you wish him the best in life. And I would go out with his friend.

    If that "feels" wrong to you, you need to consider just how close or unresolved your feelings are for your ex.

    Good luck.

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    Ro'Ann 7 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    This is always such a touchy topic. I never thought i'd find my self in one of these situations. But here goes....

    I'v been with this guy for 3yrs n days,,,,I loved him,,,still do too....but not the same as when i was with him, but just as a friend. He has this friend that i'v liked since the start of our relationship. The friend likes me too.

    But the friend and i never made any advances on each other, until the break-up. The friend and i have always been into each other,,,,and it is still now that way....his feeling never changed for me even tho he knew i was with his friend. Basically he was waiting for me.

    I told my ex how i felt about him, and he knew how his friend felt about me. But he says i can't have them both. And that if i start dealing with his friend, then him and I can't be friends.

    I'm caught between a rock and a hard place!! I don't want to lose wither of them and i don't want to tarnish the friendship he and his friend has. Both myself and the friend have spoken to him about the situation. But he still remains firm on what he said.

    He (the ex), said he's accepted the fact that his friend and i may become an item. But yet he still won't have us as friends anymore.

    I dunno what to do. I really like this friend (it feel like its turning to Love), and i really don't want to lose the friendship with my ex.

    I just want him (ex) to be understanding. He's even moved on.

    What should i do??

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    Beccccaaaaa 7 years ago

    Hi veronica

    ok my problem is my bff broke up with her bf about a year ago, she had too, because her mom made her. Anyway throughout there 8 month relationship her bf would call and text me alll the time, and i started developing feelings for him, and another thing is that her ex is my brothers bff so i dont really know what to do! and the guy(Justin) has still been telling me how he cant stand my bff(leslie) but she keeps telling me how much she still loves him! And i recently found out that Justin likes me! but leslie said if i ever dated him she would never talk to me again!!! so what shud i do?

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    Louise 7 years ago

    Hi Veronica, you seem fairly wise so maybe you can offer me some advice ...

    I broke up with my ex about a year ago, we were together for about a year. We had previously been in a relationship about 5 years before this for 2 years, however we broke up and remained friends for the 5 years before deciding to get back together again. This is now well and truely over and we both agreed this was for the best and it was all very amicable. We are not as good a friends as we were but still friends. He said that he hopes I meet someone nice and that he will always care about me but that we are better off as just friends. Anyway I have recently been spending a lot of time with a mutual friend of ours whom my ex and I have both known for about 8 years. We are starting to become more than just friends however he is unsure about whether he is being unfair to my ex. He says he loves me and that he wants to be with me but that there is an 'unwritten' law that you don't touch your mates ex and he doesn't want to loose his friend. I told him that is fine and I'm not going to push him into anything he doesn't want and we can just be friends but the more we try to do this the more we are definitely not just friends. He is a really decent guy who would never hurt anyone so I can understand why he is so concerned about his friendship with my ex. I really like this guy and I think we could have a really great future together. We spend hours talking and laughing together and I know he feels the same way but is torn. What should I do? Should I speak to my ex and tell him how I feel about our friend? I'm not sure he he would take it but I think in time he would be ok with it. Or should he tell him what is going on and keep it as a 'man to man' chat? I just really want this to work out and I don't want to mess up anyone's friendships.

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    Mina 7 years ago

    Thanks for this blog - obviously very useful to many, including me.

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    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Frank,

    Her texting you asking for your friend's number is not very cool. It's one thing if she and one of your friends discover they are hitting it off and might like to date. It's entirely something different for her to ask you for a guy's number. It's just not a very classy move. I'd completely ignore it if I were you. Clearly, she isn't done playing with you.

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    Frank 7 years ago

    My ex and I broke up during spring break. Now it's summer, and two days ago I was eating at FuddRuckers when I received a text from her asking for one of my friend's numbers.... what should I do?

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    KimGarland 7 years ago

    I am in a similar situation. My best friend dated someone 11 years ago "online" and spent about a week with him in person. We became friends around that time. I don't recall her ever speaking of still loving him or anything like that, it was 11 years ago and she was only 17. She is now in a serious relationship talking kids and marriage. I am a divorced, single parent and have been dating but not finding anything serious for 2 years now. The ex from 11 years ago also has been thru a divorce and advised my friend he had interest in me. On his end she encouraged it, told him she didnt care if he pursued me and gave him my new last name to find me online (he lives out of state). So, he continued to email me for months and eventually after having some long conversations with him, I realized he is a great guy and we have a lot in common and I have developed feelings for him. He wanted to get a plane ticket to see me for a weekend, so I was honest and told my friend I have developed feelings and he is coming to see me. She got very upset, told me it is uncomfortable for her and weird but that she will not tell me what to do and will always be my friend. She just says she cannot come around when he is here. I figure I will respect that and follow my heart, we are all adults here. I don't expect her to come around when he is here to visit and I would hope that if something big came of it she would eventually get over it especially if I who have been thru so much were happy. I would have never pursued a friends ex, but with 11 years time and her in a relationship of her own and being alone myself for so long, not to mention she encouraged him to contact me, I don't think it is wrong to follow my heart. He has since come and we had a great time and plan to do it again very soon. My friend has not really spoke to me about it but is being very strange to me. I out of respect for her am not going to try to talk to her about details and am just speaking to her about other things, but I keep seeing snide comments on facebook or in emails between all of our friends. I think it was she didnt care and pushed him to me, didnt expect anything to happen, and now that it has she's trying "take-backs" and ill always be your friend but now acting strange, so once again "take-backs". I've been honest and kept nothing secret, what more can I do? What if he is the one? I don't want to lose my friend however.

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    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

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    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Unsure One,

    I'm sorry to hear what's happened to you. It is exactly what I wrote about in this article. Your friend lied to you about the fling and her feelings, and kept the whole thing secret from you. That's blatant disrespect and I can see why it hurt you. As for your ex ignoring you and sending his thoughts to you through your friend is ridiculously immature. You're very wise to want to put this all behind you, and you're very generous and mature to want to try to maintain some kind of friendship. It would very nice if you can do that, but the two other people involved haven't been conducive to there being a wise and mature outcome here. I'd say, let it go. If time helps them to come around and make an effort at some kind of friendship or acquaintanceship with you, so be it.

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    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    2n8t,

    You sound very sweet and nice, and it's admirable that you are concerned about how your actions will affect others, Please never lose that, it is a fine quality that will serve you well in life.

    These friends that you don't see or talk to much anymore, that were involved with this guy 5 years ago, have most likely moved on with their lives. You're probably ok to go ahead and explore your feelings with this guy. But like I said in this article, I'll say it again. It would be best if you let them know first. The thing that really bothers people in situations like this is the feeling that they were disrespected by secrecy and lies. If you eliminate that, and give them the courtesy and respect of letting them know you have an interest in this guy, nothing has happened yet, but you would like to explore your interest and wanted them to know about it first.

    Good luck with this, I think you'll be ok.