ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

3...2...1...AAARRRGH!!!

Updated on May 20, 2014

Countdown to Crotchety

You know, I had an epiphany of sorts the other day; we're talking a moment of absolute clarity here. I percolated and I pondered this newfound revelation, and the more I thought about it the more sense it made.

It was about all those crabby "old" people. You know the ones I mean; they look as though they have spent the biggest majority of their time sucking on all those lemons life handed them instead of making themselves a nice big pitcher of lemonade.

Well you know what? I have come to the astonishing (and rather terrifying) realization that those people are not BORN that way. No... no they're not. They are MADE that way. How do I know this? Because it has occurred to me rather recently that I am well on my way to becoming one. Yes, I do believe I'll be just another cranky old woman scowling at the world through her bifocals, and it is all due to circumstances beyond my control. I'll be a product (or is it byproduct?) of my environment, if you will.

The days where I stomp about muttering things like, "You know what's wrong with this world? There are PEOPLE in it!" are starting to increase in frequency. I am forced (simply by existing among said "people") to admit that the song "Here's Your Sign" is nothing less than a masterful musical tribute to reality. As an added incentive to speed up said countdown, I am gainfully employed at an area high school. I can honestly say that there is nothing quite like being surrounded by teenage 'tudes to help you meet (and exceed) your daily quota of lemons.

To assist you in your own personal journey of enlightenment, I am following up with a handful of anecdotes and personal experiences (er, make that trials and tribulations) that are helping me on my unintentional quest to achieve absolute acerbity. I'll just bet there's SOMETHING in here to which you can relate :o)

Oh, and in case you're wondering about the picture? It's not me.... Yet.

Attention All Teenagers and Politicians!

A POINT [for you] to Ponder

DID YOU KNOW that every single time you point a finger at someone else there are three more that are pointing RIGHT BACK AT YOU??

At the risk of sounding like a female Forrest Gump, that's all I have to say about that.

Monkey Business

SOMEbody Pulled a Fast One (and I'm torqued :o)

I don't know about you, but I'm not much into physical conflicts (like the Friday Night Fights or the WWF). No, I duke it out on a regular basis all right, but it's MEN-tally not physically. I battle a terrible MENtal affliction that is perpitrated by the Do It All Rule; or D.I.A.R. (pronounced "dire"). Perhaps you're familiar with it; I suffer from chronic WWS which was brought on by my attempted adherence to that very rule. That'd be Wonder Woman Syndrome - for the uninitiated - and it has at one time or another stricken almost every married woman on the planet. Why? I'm really not sure; I've never actually SEEN it [DIAR] in any of the rule books (you know, Murphy's Laws, Robert's Rules of Order and the like) so where did it come from? Why does it happen?

Maybe it's because my husband (who I love dearly) is a direct descendant of a little known ancient Scottish society known as Clan McPID [Male Chauvenist Pigs in Disguise]. In fairness I am compelled to say it wasn't totally the fault of his genealogically defective family tree; it was more the way he was raised than anything. Added to this was the fact that MY mother did not work outside the home (volunteered time for charitable organizations where she worked like a Trojan notwithstanding).

Now initially, I confess, I aided and abetted this situation merely because I thought I was SUPPOSED to be able to do everything. But think about it: if the man's role is to keep with tradition and be a provider/earn the money, then the woman's role needs to ALSO keep with tradition and just handle hearth and home, doesn't it? So how DOES it work that women added "co-provider" and share in that responsibility, but we managed to retain all of the other ones? I definitely don't remember a 50/50 split on the diapers (shoot, even a 90/10 would have likely been the result of Divine Intervention). It's fairly easy to note that most men wouldn't want to touch a poopy diaper with a 50 foot pole. The irony here is that Moms don't actually WANT to either (because eeeeew); maybe we're just more able to "Git 'Er Done" (thought I'd throw in a little Southernism there :o) Of course we all know the whole "weaker sex" thing is merely to *cough* pamper those delicate male egos, right? Let's be real here; if men were the ones HAVING the babies, there would probably be about 5 people left on the planet by now...

THE TIMES? THEY ARE A'CHANGING: We may have missed the diapers, but somewhere along the line between my recent cancer, muscle disease and some *ahem* mysterious male enlightenment on the home front, there has been a discernible shift in the division of duties. While we may not be at that perfect 50/50 I'm delighted to note that my husband DOES actually know how to operate a vacuum cleaner, CAN cook supper without a grill and miraculously DID NOT DROWN from washing his own clothes. There's even been a rumor circulating that HE was the one who has been fixing my lunches for school (work) periodically; and all this time I thought it was the lunchbox fairy... who knew??? :o)

Attention All Telemarketers and Solicitors!

Some Supporting Documentation from Daniel Webster

NO (no), adv. [ME.; AS, na < ne a, lit., not ever]. 1. [Scot. or Rare], not: as, whether or no. 2. not in any degree; not at all: as, I have NO money. 3. nay; not so: the opposite of yes, used to deny, refuse, or disagree. adj [ME., form of non, none (cf. an, lit., not one (cf. one)], as, We have NONE, not any; not a; not one; as, Not one dime. n. [pl. noes (noz)], 1. an utterance of NO; refusal or denial. 2. a negative vote or a person voting in the negative.

CONCLUSION: According to a statement recently made by my checkbook (I just love a good - bad? - pun :o) I AM BROKE. I do not have any money for me, so logically this means I will not have any for you either. See aforementioned supporting documentation graciously provided by Mr. Webster.

NOTE: We are on the do not call list (go here: DoNotCall.gov to sign up and don't forget your cell phones - because you just KNOW they're gonna go after them next :o/

P.S. Charitable organizations are exempt from this list. Since we have a pending 501c3 (Non-Profit) ourselves*, I should like to state (for the record) that if I do happen to A) Win the lottery, or B) Run into Ed McMahon in the living room, we will actually have money (in addition to thousands of relatives I never knew existed). HOWEVER - as Junior Vice President in Charge of The Duct Tape and Bandaid Brigade, it is a pretty safe bet that I will donate said monies (that we do NOT have) to our own Non-Profit (which is not yet official) to provide programs (which we DO have but can't afford to fully implement) to our visitors (which we CAN'T have) until the procurement of liability insurance (which we can't AFFORD because we have NO money). For additional clarification, please reread "CONCLUSION" in the preceding paragraph.

P.P.S. This photo (in case you're wondering) is not me either :o)

P.P.P.S. When we ARE approved and become an official 501c3, I hereby solemnly swear NOT to call you...

* We have since been approved - HOORAY! If you would like to read about our organization please visit our lens: EpicFarms. We're also a Squidoo Partner Charity; and I didn't even have to pick up the phone to become one - BooYeah! :o)

NOTE: I kept my promise. I haven't called you, have I? :-D

One of Life's Growing Problems

Proportion Control

You know what I've figured out? The amount of stuff I just HAVE to have in my purse is directly proportionate to the size of said pocketbook. What do I mean? Simply that I finally figured out (after a couple of trips to the Chiropractor) that the larger my purse is, the more junk I find I am morally obligated to stuff in there and if I am not careful I will end up toting one of those high dollar designer bags...by Samsonite :oP

A COMPLETELY CONFOUNDING CONUNDRUM: (I just can't help it; I love Alliterations :o) Does anybody besides me ever wonder how it is possible that every single thing you need can be on the very bottom of your purse AT THE SAME TIME??? Doesn't that violate SOME kind of physical law? Inquiring minds want to know...

Wonder Woman: The Syndrome

What Ever Happened to Share and Share A-like?

I can trace this topic all the way back to its initial seed; planted by a woman in front of me in line at a grocery store when my child was but a babe...

After a long hard day at the office, I dashed by the daycare to pick up my daughter and began the trek home. One of the reasons this particular day stands out so well is because we had just started teething. I say "we", because this process involved both sets of teeth; hers AND mine. Her teeth and gums were hurting and the resulting shrieks and wails over the next 25 miles had me alternately clenching mine in empathy and grinding them over the cacophony.

Remembering we were out of milk, and let's get some more Orajel (NOW), had me pulling into the parking lot of the grocery store close to home. Wouldn't you know today would be the day I forget to throw my flats in the car, too (figures). Exhausted, I scooped a now whimpering baby out of her car seat and trudged across the parking lot into the store.

This is, of course, where Murphy's Laws always come into play; the milk was aaaaaaaallll the way in the back of the store on the right, and the Orajel was in the opposite corner at the front. Juggling gel, baby, and milk, I made my way carefully to a nice LONG line at the front of the store. Shifting from foot to foot in an attempt to ease the aches, I hoped to get to the register before I developed a Hernia. As the line moved slowly forward, I mentally added a rather desperate plea that if I had to drop something it would be the milk (but please not on the feet - UGH!) When I finally got close enough, I gratefully thudded the milk on the conveyor belt and blew my bangs out of my crossed eyes in relief. Turning with a smile, the woman ahead of me Tsk-tsk'd and shaking her head in bafflement she chirped, "Goodness me, I just don't KNOW how you young girls can DO all of these things; I certainly never could have handled everything you do! My daughter has a full-time career, home, and family too. Where DO you girls get all this energy??" By this time, of course, I am sagged against said conveyor belt and staring rather incredulously at her thinking she couldn't possibly be SERIOUS. Floundering to find the funny in her ridiculous observation (and way too tired to come up with anything more than a slighty sarcastic bit of humor), I raised a brow and said, "Haven't you heard? I'm Wonder Woman...."

NEWSFLASH/FILM AT 11 (for which I am never awake): Women do not HAVE to do it all and have it all; this concept is a trick. Logically, if you actually do manage to do it all and have it all you will not have enough time OR energy OR brain cells left to actually ENJOY it all (so what on earth would be the point? :o)

Are You or Aren't You? - and Can You or Can't You??

I've already confessed right here on this very lens that I am definitely NOT a Wonder Woman (maybe a distant and poor relation though....well, maybe not). How about you?

Are you a Wonder Woman Wannabee?

A Candid Competition

The Diabolical Aspect of the DMV

There are things that happen underground (besides gophers, groundhogs and earthworms, that is). I don't mean the nature stuff, I'm talking about things that fall on the darker side of life. Scary things. Hidden things. And I have a sneaking suspicion that there is something insidious happening inside the DMV. Something so diabolical, underhanded and devious that Allen Funt is probably still applauding it from the grave.

Now that I have your attention, I'll tell you what it is. It's a photography contest [yep, really]. I am absolutely convinced that there is a national competition perpetrated by DMV employees to see who can take the most mortifying photo for a driver's license. It's simple enough to substantiate; how do you feel about YOUR license photo? Your spouses? Friends? Is there anyone on this planet that has a good one? If there is, I've yet to see it.

I have only a few weeks left before my license expires, and I'm watching the calendar with increasing trepidation. While I'll be the first to admit there's definitely room for improvement, what am I going to do if it's worse??? I already cringe in horror whenever I hear the dreaded statement, "May I see your license please?" every time I write a check...

My last visit to the DMV was on a perfectly beautiful fall day. I left work, making sure to stop by the ladies room to check the hair (yep, still pinned up all nice and neat) and makeup (just a little lipstick and I'm good to go :o) before heading off to the DMV. Upon my arrival, I stepped from the car and paused for a moment to appreciate the weather before going inside - it was sunny, gorgeous and breezy - 70 marvelous degrees. When it was my turn, I stepped up to the mark looking down. I didn't even get a chance to turn and face the camera before, "YA READY?!?" was bellowed at me by the bleached blond - with some mighty scary roots - from her position behind the camera. As I jumped and looked up, startled, she snapped. In addition to wearing an expression that I can only describe as "Deer in Headlights", my bangs - which HAD been nicely styled - were now standing virtually straight up in the front (remember that fabulous breeze? *sigh* :o|

THERE IS ONE SMALL CONSOLATION: My husband (who has a CDL) rated a photo that looks almost exactly like something you might see on the six o'clock news - right next to the word W-A-N-T-E-D. (Wow, great mugshot honey :o)

Chocolate: My Most Favorite Vegetable

A Self-Serving Scientific Hypothesis

I'll just bet you had no idea that chocolate was a vegetable, did you? Well it is. It has taken me a long time and burned up considerable brain cells (which I likely could NOT afford but the cause was supremely worthy) and I have finally figured it out. Consider the following question:

Where does chocolate come from?

Of course we all know that chocolate is made from cocoa beans, right? Having said that, we can then form our official hypothesis (based totally on the facts of course):

IF chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and beans are legumes, and legumes are vegetables...THEN we can conclude that chocolate is indeed a vegetable.

Tah-Dah!

:o)

Chocolate makes the world go 'round... - Or at least it does in my little slice of it :o)

Dealing With O - P - K 's

Other People's Kids

I was in a beauty supply store one afternoon looking for some conditioner for my daughter; a quick and simple errand, right? You'd think, anyway. Also in the store at the time were two women (they were friends) and their two heathens; excuse me, I meant to say children. At the time I was in treatment for cancer (chemo) and also still working full time, so I can readily admit to being pretty pitiful to start with, and I had definitely had better days.

What started out as a simple shopping trip, however, rapidly became Mission Impossible - compliments of OPKs (Other People's Kids). Without warning, these mini miscreants were suddenly running amok yelling at the top of their lungs as they tried to one up each other all over the store, bumping into displays and shelves as they went. While I felt a momentary pang of nostalgia, (because goodness knows my brother and I hit M&M mode - Murder and Mayhem - on a regular basis), it quickly fizzled as they crashed into me simultaneously before shooting off again. I don't know what happened to the rules of engagement (as in DO NOT yell in public, hit anything except each other, or involve grownups, because you will get in TROUBLE) but obviously they had changed.

With their mother sitting RIGHT THERE on the floor reading shampoo bottles, these two little terrors came shrieking back down the aisle and made two laps around me, almost knocking me down in their zeal to kill each other (which squelched my attempt to get the conditioner I'd finally found from the shelf as I was too busy trying to regain my balance). When the sudden happy thought occurred that if they DID kill each other A) the horrendous noise would stop; and B) I could actually get what I came for, I felt immediately ashamed of myself for having had it.

I looked over at the mother waiting for her to say SOMETHING. She never even looked up, she was still completely engrossed in her reading. Having said that, I don't really know why I was so surprised by what happened next. Opting to use me as a protective barrier, the children were now on either side of me swinging away and mom was STILL not paying attention (are you KIDDING??) Were I not afraid of getting sued for assault - and don't even get me started there - I would have snatched up both kids and plunked them down in opposite corners of the store for a time out session. As it was, I said, "EXCUSE ME!" very loudly (I had to outshout the heathens, you see) and hoped for the best. What did mom do? Barely glancing up, she said, "kids, quit" and went right back to reading the bottle. On the off chance there might be more to follow the kids DID quit for about 10 seconds; long enough for me to make a desperate grab for the conditioner and beat a hasty retreat. I don't think I made it more than a few feet before the violence erupted again, thankfully in the opposite direction; whereupon I quickly made my purchase and escaped.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Parents, if you are not willing to discipline your children, that's your choice, but PLEASE do not inflict them on the rest of us.

The Mathematical Mystery of the Mid-Life Crisis

Am I the ONLY person to question this??

I have too many thoughts; I just can't seem to HELP it. In addition to having too many thoughts, I wonder about too many things...including the paradox of the ever popular "Mid-Life Crisis". I'm pretty sure it's a hoax, although I couldn't say precisely who perpetrated it initially (well, outside of the obvious - it has "Guy Thing" written all over it :o)

Personally, I think it's all about Denial (and I don't mean that river in Egypt). How else could people justify completely ridiculous and often irresponsible behavior when they are supposed to be old enough to know better? My husband always used to tease me that when I hit 40 he was going to trade me in on a newer model. Living in the south, these [highly delusional] plans morphed into thoughts and comments about doing a "twofer" (that's Southernese for a two-for-one deal, by the way). He thought it would be a grand plan to cash in his "old" 40 for two "new" 20's. Of course I felt obligated to point out that his pacemaker probably couldn't handle it (he doesn't actually have one but he IS, after all, several years older than I...)

Anyway, somewhere along the line it occurred to me that this thing known as the "Mid-Life Crisis" is an absolute mathematical impossibility. Think about it: in order to have a crisis in the MIDDLE of something, don't you have to know when the END is?? How can you possibly figure out where the middle is without prior knowledge of the end? I'll admit that the left side of my brain IS sadly lacking, but even I know there is something not quite right with this equation.

Maybe it was the cancer diagnosis at age 40 that prompted this line of thinking. The thought that if I didn't make it the full 5 years out (to the ripe old age of 45) it would mean I should have already HAD my midlife crisis at the age of 21. So did I miss it? Can I reschedule?

I think I'm going to have a mid-life crisis; they sound like fun. Maybe I'll just declare myself a late bloomer, go Nike, and "Just Do It". Yep, that's what I'm going to do, so I suppose I'd best get to it. I wonder how my husband would feel about a Harley Hog this Christmas. You know, come to think of it, he hasn't had HIS crisis either. Guess we might just end up with that twofer after all...

Relevant Riots - 'Cause Sometimes You Just Gotta Laugh...

Even when it is just SOOOO not funny!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hope this lens gave you a laugh or two... - ...but even a slight snicker would do :o)

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • EmmaGraceEllis LM profile image

      EmmaGraceEllis LM 3 years ago

      Fantastic lens, i laughed uncontrollably, I so enjoy reading your work ;-)

    • Linda Pogue profile image

      Linda Pogue 5 years ago from Missouri

      I laughed for the first time today while reading your lens. Thanks and many blessings!

    • quickcutterss profile image

      Mary 6 years ago from Midwest

      Nice lens. I will have to come back and check out some more of your lenses.

    • profile image

      WorldVisionary 6 years ago

      I enjoyed your lens a lot, and have left a little Angel dust to keep you cheery!

    • mrsjordanjr profile image

      mrsjordanjr 6 years ago

      Good read.

      Lensrolled.

    • glenbrook profile image

      glenbrook 7 years ago

      Enjoyed the lens - gave me several good laughs to start my day.

    • EpicFarms profile image
      Author

      EpicFarms 7 years ago

      @annieangel1: Thanks :o)

    • annieangel1 profile image

      Ann 7 years ago from Yorkshire, England

      love it x

    • profile image

      anonymous 7 years ago

      Love the lens! I share your opinions on everything but especially the chocolate! It's my downfall. I'm new to Squidoo. Only have one lens so far - &lt; href="www.squiddo.com/WhereIsMitzi"target="_blank"&gt;www.squiddo.com/WhereIsMitzi

    • profile image

      jgelien 7 years ago

      Thanks for the laughs. My license expires next year and I am dreading that new photo like crazy. Great lens. 5*

    • Millertime LM profile image

      Millertime LM 7 years ago

      Hilarious, I love it! Favorited and 5 stars.

    • ckennedy lm profile image

      ckennedy lm 8 years ago

      What an absolute hoot! A perfect lens/perfect subject.Thanks for stopping by some time back. Didn't get a notice, but you're bookmarked now.

    • profile image

      anonymous 8 years ago

      I thought we were the only couple known at "deer in headlights" and "wanted"

    • profile image

      ChloeComfort 8 years ago

      Very funny (and so true) :-) Great lens. Kudos!

    • puzzlerpaige profile image

      puzzlerpaige 8 years ago

      Not to hog up all the Guest Book space, but I forgot to say two things.

      1) Yours in the best Avatar I've ever seen (showed it to dd and she promises me it is the horse from School House Rock's Dollars and Sense...is she right?

      2) I simply LOVE the "scary Christian chick" comment...I might have to borrow it.

    • puzzlerpaige profile image

      puzzlerpaige 8 years ago

      Funny about the OPK's. Quick story...My friend was speaking with a woman at a community center. All around kids were screaming and running wild. The other woman said to my friend, "I like kids...as long as they are not mine." My friend said, "Humm...I feel just the opposite."

      Thanks for your lens. Good and light hearted in troubled times.

    • profile image

      Joan4 8 years ago

      This is delightful read! and of course, chocolate is a vegetable - the most important veggie of all! Thanks for the giggles!

    • profile image

      CatJGB 8 years ago

      Oh my, well written, and so true! Very funny! 5*:)

    • profile image

      anonymous 8 years ago

      Oh, for funny! This is the first lens I visited this morning, and I am so glad I did because this is a great way to start a day. Thank you so much Jen for creating this wonderfully funny lens. This is great! - Thank you for visiting Kabetogama! :)

      I hope you have a GREAT day! (Love you Rocket Mom lens)

      Susie

    • ElizabethJeanAl profile image

      ElizabethJeanAl 8 years ago

      I don't want to be crochety, but some of my students think I already am.

      Oh well...

      Great lens

      Lizzy

    • annetteghallowe1 profile image

      annetteghallowe1 8 years ago

      I saw a Rachael Ray where they did DMV makeovers....this is the very reason I have not gone for a change of address! Great lens - thanks for the bright spot in a dreary Monday!

    • profile image

      seedplanter 8 years ago

      Oh Jen. How did I miss this lens before? You are hilarious! I'm lensrolling it over to my Embarrassing Moments We'd Rather Forget and Blame it on Squidoo lenses.

    • profile image

      Tarra99 8 years ago

      LOL made me chuckle! thanks...5* lens.

      ...thanks for visiting my Obsession with Depression Glass lens...I appreciate your comments!

    • jimmielanley profile image

      Jimmie Lanley 8 years ago from Memphis, TN, USA

      Absolutely gave me a laugh! And a nodding head! YES! You are right about so much.

    • profile image

      meglittlestudio 8 years ago

      Oh I am TOTALLY going to be crochety! But hot and crochety, so people will be like, "What the ef? She's hot but a total old bee-yatch!" haha. You ROCK girl! I can't wait to read the rest of your lenses :)

    • Holley Web profile image

      Holley Web 8 years ago

      Amen Sister! As far as the children in the store, the mom needed the good old-fashioned "southern" spanking and I know you know what I mean. This was so much fun! Thak you for the laugh. 5*s and favorited. Sending this to mom.

    • TreasuresBrenda profile image

      Treasures By Brenda 8 years ago from Canada

      Nicely done; blessed by an Angel!

    • Charlyjl profile image

      Charlyjl 8 years ago

      Hi Connie - definitely a great lens - I particularly like your Telemarketers spiel. Well done 5*!

    • MsSnow4 profile image

      Carol Goss 8 years ago

      I agree with Heather. you know how to make those words flow. Very cute Lens. Now try to be happy instead of grumpy :)

    • athomemomblog profile image

      Genesis Davies 8 years ago from Guatemala

      LOVE this lens. I`m totally going to be crotchety, too. :D Thanks for stopping by my lens. 5*s

    • eclecticeducati1 profile image

      eclecticeducati1 8 years ago

      Great lens! :) 5*

    • EpicFarms profile image
      Author

      EpicFarms 8 years ago

      [in reply to Aquavel] Ahahahaha.....you know, had I actually thought of it I probably would have :oD

    • Aquavel profile image

      Aquavel 8 years ago

      Fun lens! 5*s! (I kept waiting for you to say that the picture of Wonder Woman Lynda Carter was actually you! )

    • Heather426 profile image

      Heather Burns 8 years ago from Wexford, Ireland

      Hilarious! You have a gift for comedy writing.5*

    • profile image

      anonymous 8 years ago

      I am merely at the "cantankerous" stage, but I am most definitely on the way to becoming "crotchety"!

    • hlkljgk profile image

      hlkljgk 8 years ago from Western Mass

      good stuff! :)

    • Paula Atwell profile image

      Paula Atwell 8 years ago from Cleveland, OH

      What a terrific lens. Blessed by a Squidoo Angel.

    • mysticmama lm profile image

      Bambi Watson 8 years ago

      Fun lens...I look forward to being a cranky old lady some day soon...but my hubby he is already there lmao 5*

    • papawu profile image

      papawu 8 years ago

      Clan McPid, eh? Wonderful how women truly think of their men...lol. Well done and I daresay you are as opinionated as I am. :)

    • TonyPayne profile image

      Tony Payne 8 years ago from Southampton, UK

      Welcome to the "Laugh Away" group on Squidoo. Great lens, 5*****, Favorited, and Lensrolled to my Humor lenses.

    • blue22d profile image

      blue22d 8 years ago

      How amazing. Chocolate just happens to be my favorite veggie also. Great lens and funny. Five stars and a favorite.

    • Ramkitten2000 profile image

      Deb Kingsbury 8 years ago from Flagstaff, Arizona

      Funny stuff! Some of which ... unfortunately? ... I can relate to, and I only just turned 40. I guess that means I'm turnin' into a crotchety old girl before my time. Uh-oh! I enjoyed this and am off to peruse your other lenses. Oh, and thanks for weighing in on my "funnest" duel. :)

    • profile image

      jura 8 years ago

      Great lens and a litle funy.

    • EpicFarms profile image
      Author

      EpicFarms 8 years ago

      What lovely comments...thank you all SO much! *blush*

    • sittonbull profile image

      sittonbull 8 years ago

      I love anything and anyone that makes me laugh and you have done that today! You sound like Erma Bomback one of my favorites and I love your sense of humor. I'm sure it has stood you in good stead through your challenges with cancer. I am sure your have money tho', because I grow and sell "horse quality hay" and have been around lots of horses... and it takes a lot of money to have a horse without PETA coming to get you. That's why I persuaded my son when he asked for a horse after we had enjoyed a trail ride in the Canadian Rockies to take care of our neighbor's horses for the remainder of the summer... then we would talk about it! Never came back up!

      Very enjoyable read worth 5*s, a fan and a favorite. Thanks so much for your comments and visit to my lens!

    • tandemonimom lm profile image

      tandemonimom lm 8 years ago

      Clan McPID - LOL! And OF COURSE chocolate is a vegetable! 5* for starting my day with a laugh!

    • NikSnowRoo profile image

      NikSnowRoo 8 years ago

      Thanks for a very hilarious &amp; informative lens. You are a natural writer - keep it up!! God bless - 5 STARS!!

    • x3xsolxdierx3x lm profile image

      x3xsolxdierx3x lm 8 years ago

      GREAT lens! :)

    • profile image

      anonymous 8 years ago

      Very nice informative lens for newbies and professionals too

      5**** keep it up!

      Please Visit at this exciting lens also click here

    • BusyQueen profile image

      BusyQueen 8 years ago

      Great job, I rated, added you to my favorites and rolled you to my lens, thanks and great lens!

    • sharioleary profile image

      Shari O'Leary 8 years ago from Minnesota

      This is a great lens! I love it! Thanks for my laugh for the day!

    • profile image

      poutine 8 years ago

      Never had the WW complex and never will.

      I am what I am and that's good enough for me.

      Pretty hilarious lens. A 5

    • Stazjia profile image

      Carol Fisher 8 years ago from Warminster, Wiltshire, UK

      What you say rings so true especially the rioting kids in stores while their mother ignores the mayhem. My hands itch to give them a slap but I don't want to be arrested for assault on the little brats.

      Funny lens, made me laugh. 5*

    • Sarunas profile image

      Sarunas 8 years ago

      One more great lens .. :)

      Well done, dude 5*

    • OhMe profile image

      Nancy Tate Hellams 8 years ago from Pendleton, SC

      Oh Me! Oh My! I love this lens. What a way to start the day. Thank you.

    • EpicFarms profile image
      Author

      EpicFarms 8 years ago

      [in reply to vbright105] What a lovely surprise - thank you SO much for the blessing !:o)

    • VBright profile image

      VBright 8 years ago

      Wonderfully witty! I feel your pain! 5* and an angel blessing for you

    • EpicFarms profile image
      Author

      EpicFarms 8 years ago

      [in reply to Frankster] Thank you - you are too kind! (and my mother said my smart mouth would only get me in trouble... :o)

    • Franksterk profile image

      Frankie Kangas 8 years ago from California

      OMG. This is side-splittingly funny. I have to come back to read what else you add. 5 stars (duh), favorite and I'm a FAN! I've also lensrolled it to my Funniest Calvin and Hobbes EVER lens and made this "the lens that made me laugh" on my Profile. Bear hugs, Frankster aka Bearmeister aka Cat-Woman

    • drifter0658 lm profile image

      drifter0658 lm 8 years ago

      My belly aches!

      Thanks....lmao

    • purplelady profile image

      purplelady 8 years ago

      Thanks for visiting my People Should Have a License to Have Children lens, because it got me to your lens; which is great btw. I have already lensrolled and will give you 5 stars and a fave. Isn't it wonderful what thought provoking ideas and ponders Squidoo can take us to. Thanks for your ideas and ponders.

    • EpicFarms profile image
      Author

      EpicFarms 8 years ago

      [in reply to Mountainside-Crochet] What a lovely compliment! Thank you SO much :o)

    • profile image

      Mountainside-Crochet 8 years ago

      5* for sure! I laughed all the way through. The 'screaming, bouncing off-the-wall (and you) kids" was one part I could relate to. Don't get me started! And I loved your 'mid-life crisis' story. Sure is true -- how COULD you know when it should take place! Go ahead, have one -- you deserve it! {I think I missed mine altogether - you can have mine too!}

      Now I'm off to read your other lenses. I really like your style.

    • LouiseKirkpatrick profile image

      LouiseKirkpatrick 8 years ago from Berkshire, United Kingdom

      This lens gave me a LOT more than a laugh or two...I love it :D

    • HorseAndPony LM profile image

      HorseAndPony LM 8 years ago

      This is a 5* lens for us. We are very new to squidoo and do not have any extras filled in our bio area but I remember that there is a space for a lens that made you laugh. If we can figure out how to add it, this lens will be there.

    • TonyPayne profile image

      Tony Payne 8 years ago from Southampton, UK

      This is a great lens, pleased I found it. 5***** and lensrolled into My Pet Peeves - it fits perfectly with the theme.

    • EpicFarms profile image
      Author

      EpicFarms 8 years ago

      [in reply to AshleyBretting-M.S.] Cooooool - thanks :o)

    • AshleyBretting-MS profile image

      AshleyBretting-MS 8 years ago

      I am featuring your lens :)

    • ZenandChic profile image

      Patricia 8 years ago

      I love reading what you write. You are very entertaining to read.

    • EpicFarms profile image
      Author

      EpicFarms 8 years ago

      [in reply to Wysiwigs] *HIC* 'scuse me

      (I hate it when that happens...)

    • EpicFarms profile image
      Author

      EpicFarms 8 years ago

      [in reply to AshleyBretting-M.S.] Thank you SO much for the lensroll (am I famous yet?? :o) I'm off to visit you now....

    • EpicFarms profile image
      Author

      EpicFarms 8 years ago

      [in reply to AshleyBretting-M.S.] Thank you SO much for the lensroll (am I famous yet?? :o) I'm off to visit you now....

    • AshleyBretting-MS profile image

      AshleyBretting-MS 8 years ago

      LOL funny stuff! Thank you - and you are invited to smile or at least roll your eyes at https://hubpages.com/entertainment/EverydayHumor Would love to see you there.

      I am lensrolling you :)

    • ecogranny profile image

      Kathryn Grace 8 years ago from San Francisco

      Funny, funny. Yes, indeed, chocolate is a vegetable, and have you heard? Chock full of antioxidants, it's also good for us, especially women, wonder or not.

    • Natalie W Schorr profile image

      Natalie W Schorr 8 years ago

      Let's see, if I am 48 now, and my grandparents lived to an average age of 92, then I am already running late on that mid-life crisis thing. Problem is, I don't think I'm all that marketable now. Besides, I think a crisis would take too much effort. You've given me much to contemplate...

    • EpicFarms profile image
      Author

      EpicFarms 8 years ago

      [in reply to Pastiche] HaHaHaHa :oD Virtual Kudos to NH, and I think we all can be eternally grateful that Social Security does NOT take pictures! ( :o)

    • Lee Hansen profile image

      Lee Hansen 8 years ago from Vermont

      DMV gets a bad rap in almost every state I've lived. I must say some KIND words, however, for NH DMV. Years ago they added many substations, implemented rolling auto registration renewals, and made the license process much smoother. Now as for MA and PA, fageddaboudit - you better bring a book and have no plans for at least 3 hours. And don't get me started on the Social Security office.

    • dc64 lm profile image

      dc64 lm 8 years ago

      You're funny! Everything you said was so true, except I've never carried a purse, I'm just too lazy to lug some bag everywhere I go, If I have pockets, I'm good.

    • LisaDH profile image

      LisaDH 8 years ago

      I know you're right about the DMV. :-)

    • allinfoisfree profile image

      allinfoisfree 8 years ago

      I don't mind pampering my wife whenever I can, and especially, when I can't. (if that makes sense). I'm one of those fathers who doesn't mind changing diapers at all. So, I agree with a lot of what you said and disagree with a lot (I know, figures....). :)

    • EbayDiscountCode profile image

      EbayDiscountCode 8 years ago

      Haha! I love these types of lenses. Something fun and different. You made me laugh a lot Ms. Gump. =)

    • EpicFarms profile image
      Author

      EpicFarms 8 years ago

      Thank you all so much for your kind words! (now I feel all special :o)

    • profile image

      Number1Athlete 8 years ago

      This was an extremely entertaining lens :) 5 stars!

      anyway, hope you have a happy holidays

    • stephenteacher profile image

      Stephen Carr 8 years ago from Corona, CA

      Hey terrific stuff! Good laughs! Great lens-enjoyed it!

    • Lee Hansen profile image

      Lee Hansen 8 years ago from Vermont

      Woo hoo! Lotsa laffs here - and just wait till you get to be 50-ish!!! I was nodding my head all down the page, yeah, yeah, YEAH been there, done that, and then some. Wonderful entertaining lens! 5*

    • Andy-Po profile image

      Andy 8 years ago from London, England

      Very amusing

    • Terry Boroff profile image

      Terry Boroff (flipflopnana) 8 years ago from FL

      I never thought of chocolate as a vegetable before, I now have a new favorite vegetable! Thanks for the laughs!

    • EpicFarms profile image
      Author

      EpicFarms 8 years ago

      [in reply to dannystaple] Ha. Try a SCHOOL bus....you'll be hoofing it for sure :o)

    • profile image

      dannystaple 8 years ago

      I had a laugh for sure. And dont even get me started on OPK's. Have you used buses lately? London buses OPK's tends to wind me up. I tend to just skip the bus and walk if I can.

    • ElizabethJeanAl profile image

      ElizabethJeanAl 8 years ago

      Excellent lens. Very entertaining.

      5*

      Lizzy

    • aka-rms profile image

      Robin S 8 years ago from USA

      Excellent! Love it!

    • profile image

      Jenysie 8 years ago

      Love the lens!! Very entertaining...and sadly I must say, I am no wonder woman either, although at times I try!!

      Thanks for this lens!!

      5* and favorite(d)

      Sincerely,

      Jenysie

    • profile image

      AdriennePetersen 8 years ago

      Great lens...I'm almost there too! I'm on the 'do not call' list, but still get a few calling once in a great while. Most of the time, I just hang up on them by clicking the phone on and then off real fast (thank you, caller ID!) or if I'm in the mood and really cranky...I mess with them. 5 stars!

    • profile image

      spiritartist 8 years ago

      Hey, I must admit, I can relate to a lot of this! :-) 5*'s!

    • Granuaile profile image

      Granuaile 8 years ago

      This is fantastic! LOL I love it.. and the part about OPK's... Well, I have a pet saying about that myself.. I LOVE children... they are so tasty! HA HA! You have to come and join my new group Sisterhood of the Pirate Queen and other NOT Well Behaved Women of Strength and Courage!

    • profile image

      inkserotica 8 years ago

      You've brightened up my day! A very good read and laugh! 5 * Thanks for joining my Add one Lens Group!

    • Rusty Quill profile image

      Rusty Quill 8 years ago

      Hello I'm calling today to ask you to vote for me, give me money, and tell you that you have won an all expense paid vacation to Backend Bend Island - after you sit through my 3 hour demonstration on the vacuum cleaner that vacuums for you. (and your McPid) - loved your devilishly delightful delvation into delirium.

    • Casey van B profile image

      Casey van B 8 years ago

      Fantastic. You're in the Soup, but I really think this lens should also be in Warrior Women group - http://www.squidoo.com/groups/warriorwomen

    • profile image

      anonymous 8 years ago

      I love it! Especially the part about OPK's, they're the worst! LOL!!

      Thanks for sharing the laughter. Welcome to Get Happy!.

    • profile image

      tdove 8 years ago

      Great writing! Thanks for joining G Rated Lense Factory!