- Gender and Relationships»
- Relationship Problems & Advice
Sure, We're In a Relationship... When It's Convenient For YOU!
Isn't love grand? How about friendships or even best friendships? Sure, every relationship has it's problems now and then, but when is enough actually enough?
I tested out this very concern, but not by choice!
Two years ago I was on a certain social network (later on referred to as SN), which I won't name just in case any "legality" issues arise, when I met a British bloke, John. (Names and places have been changed, also just in case) He seemed nice but I didn't know him and had no intentions of being great friends with him. After all, why would you trust someone from the internet?
Over the next week we began chatting on the SN quite regularly and started to become really good friends. We would talk on messenger for six hours every night! Needless to say, we became best friends and fell in love within a month.
There's a reason why people always say that "love is blind" - because it's true. Love not only blinds you, it also makes you incredibly stupid and even trust people who you should not be trusting. In fact, from my personal experience I should know by now that anytime I fall in love that should be my cue to run in the other direction because that dude is NO good for me!
Over the next year John and I continued to talk on messenger every day, for hours on end. Numerous things happened within this year. A month into our friendship I found out that when we met he had a girlfriend and broke up with her the week after we met so that he could be with me. I also found out that he was still living with her because they owned a house together and were in the process of fixing it up so they could sell it... He claimed it was his house too so why should he move? This probably should have tipped me off right there!
The month after that I officially had an "internet boyfriend" (hence the stupidity). Usually I meet men in person through activities and such or at work so this was definitely a first for me. Eventually he started to be mean to me and he started to make me feel bad about myself. When I talked to him about this he made an effort to change and said he only did it out of boredom. Yes, the behavior did change... A little.
Of course, the way things work with men is that they are only nice long enough to get you emotionally invested. Once you fall in love with them they know they can treat you like crap and that, most likely, you'll take it. During all of this he was telling me that he loved me and that he thought we were soulmates (more ways they trap you) and that he couldn't wait to be with me. He even talked about marrying me!
After knowing each other for a year I got a visa, booked a flight and lived in England for six months to be with him. Seriously the biggest mistake of my life! Everything was great the first three weeks.
I stayed at a hostel for the first two weeks while I arranged to rent a room from someone. He was still living in the same house with his ex. I believed him when he promised me that nothing was going on between them and that she had a boyfriend. After all, he was my best friend. If there's one person you never expect to lie to you - it's your best friend!
We traveled around the local areas of the part of England that we were in. Saw some sights, museums, etc... I moved out of the room that I was renting from the crazy lady and to another place on the other side of town, closer to my bloke's place. I saw him regularly until a few months before my scheduled flight to return home. He started being distant, I rarely saw him. The house finally got sold and he moved in with his sister. He and his sister don't get along and he hated it there so he would spend the night at my place every night. This was basically the only time I got to see him.
I found out that he was on every "sex hook-up" site on the internet and this made me physically sick to my stomach. When I confronted him about it he said that he was "just looking" and not meeting anyone on it.
For the first time in my life I felt depressed. He had started being mean to me again after those first three weeks. I had started feeling bad about myself again and mostly I felt used because I wasn't getting much love after those first three weeks.
I felt rejected. He was still telling me that he loved me but I wasn't being shown. This is the man I lost my virginity to and even though it was good when we were intimate (at least when he put an effort into it) I was still being physically rejected. His excuse was that he was just depressed.
For the last two months of my stay there any spare time he got he spent with his friends instead of me. Even up to the last two days of my visit. But he would still come over to use my bed to sleep in so he wouldn't have to stay at his sister's place... Again, the excuse for him spending the last of my time there with his friends instead of with me was that he was depressed.
Are you seeing where I went wrong? Where things went wrong? Love makes you stupid!
After I left England and arrived home he said that we couldn't go on talking on messenger the way we had before. I knew that I was going to have to try to move on somehow and told him that I needed some space. When you tell a man that you need space they suddenly want to spend time with you. It's true, try it out on some jerk!
I was only back home for two months when he flew out from England for my birthday and to spend six weeks with me because he missed me. Or so he claimed. We did some traveling around the state I live in and then all of a sudden, after three weeks he suddenly announced that he was going to spend the next three weeks of his trip traveling around to other states - without me!
And he did. I saw him for a few days before he flew back to England. That was about it. He had called me almost frequently after he left NYC (he was too busy partying instead of sightseeing). During that whole time he was still telling me that he loved me and missed me. After he arrived back in England we talked a little bit on messenger. After he arrived home...
That's when all Hell broke loose...
First it started with unusual behavior. He unfriended me on the SN and told me that we didn't need to be friends on it because we couldn't talk as much as we used to and we could just talk on messenger or through email... The last time he pulled a similar stunt (making me unfriend his family on the SN and him friending me on a fake account) it was because his ex had joined and he felt obligated to be her friend on there. He said he didn't want her to know about me because she's a psycho bitch and she would cause financial problems for him since they still owned two other houses together. And this time turned out to be no different. He unfriended me so that he could be friends with her on the SN.
I can't say how I found out the following information but believe me when I say that I was stunned... I found out that he and his ex had previously had Chlamydia. Of course, I didn't know the time frame so I didn't know if this was before our relationship or during.
I immediately scheduled an appointment with my OBGYN to get tested. Then I confronted him about it. I demanded to know the truth and I got it. He told me that he had been sleeping with his ex and others before I got to England, while I was in England and even after I had left England. He also told me that he had sex with two women over the weekend.
I told him exactly what I thought of him. I told him how disgusting and sleazy I thought he was. I was so disappointed and heartbroken that he had been lying to me the whole time. It felt like everything we had been through together meant nothing to him! And you already know what his excuse was... "I lied to you because I didn't want to hurt you."
No, he lied because he didn't want to get caught and didn't want me to know what scum he is!
So he assured me that the Chlamydia incident was before me. Six months before I got to England, which does confirm that he was still screwing his ex and everyone else on the planet! There was no reason for me to believe anything he said now so I still went and got tested.
Let me remind you, he is the only man I've ever had sex with... It factors into how lame he is.
While I was waiting for my results to come back from the OBGYN we still talked on occasion about it and some other things. Mostly because I told him that I couldn't be friends with him anymore and this made him suddenly want to be friends again. So I talked to him for that reason alone, to give him a chance to actually be my friend. He told me that he liked the way he was and that he wasn't that bad and that he didn't want to change and didn't think he could change.
He also tried to be all cute and loving and I told him to stop telling me that he loves me, to stop telling me that he missed me and I reminded him what I thought of him. I asked him why he would miss me when he has plenty of other girls to keep him busy. He said, "It's not the same as you."
I told him that he would tell me we were in a relationship when it was convenient for him. And he only did that because he didn't want me to move on and find someone else. He solemnly agreed.
Everything that comes out of this man's mouth is crap. If he loved me and missed me he would have respected me from the beginning and been faithful and treated me like I was worth something to him. Instead he felt it was better and easier to keep things from me, lie to me, cheat on me and to treat me like I was nothing.
Nothing is worse than being betrayed by someone you love. Especially when that person is supposed to be your best friend and confidant. The one person you're supposed to count on when your life feels like Hell and you feel like giving up. When that person betrays you, who do you turn to? You have no one. You suddenly are overcome with this overwhelming sense of loneliness. No wonder why so many people are depressed these days! Who needs enemies when you have friends, right?
Back to the story: My results came back and turns out that I didn't have Chlamydia or Gonnorhea. He gave me HPV instead! This just made things worse for me. When the nurse called me and told me my results and that I would need to have a colposcopy & biopsy procedure I thanked her for the information and immediately called him on the phone. I didn't know what I was going to say!
He picked up the phone and all I could say was "Hi." I got quiet and he said hello again. Then I just said, "You gave me and STI." He said he was sorry and that he didn't know he had it. I remained quiet and was trying to hold back tears. I was trying to keep my composure. It was quiet for a few minutes and then all I could do was hang up. I had nothing to say to him. I was crying, called my mum and asked her to come over. She immediately came over and we talked for a while.
Honestly, it didn't make me feel any better but at least I was able to vent about it to someone!
Right after she left my ex called me. We talked, I cried (a lot) and he apologized a million times, asking me what I wanted him to do about it. I told him that I wanted him to pay for the colposcopy/biopsy procedure since I had no insurance. He said he would take care of me and do right by me. Another lie.
The closest available appointment was for late December and we continued to talk a little bit during that time. Mostly about the procedure and about how he was trying to change and better himself. He claimed to be over it all and told me to get over it. How was I supposed to not be hurting? I still cried a lot since all of this was still fresh and I was still going through it.
Well, guess what? End of November rolls around, he still claimed to be trying to better himself and that he wasn't going to sleep around. I'm guessing this actually meant that he wasn't going to be sleeping around AS MUCH... Yet he still hadn't deposited the money to my paypal account.
Instead, in early December he tells me that he doesn't want to talk to old girlfriends anymore and that he wasn't even friends with his ex on the SN anymore. That's the only truth he told me, that he isn't friends with his ex on the SN anymore. He blocked me on the SN because of the not wanting to talk to old girlfriends anymore reason. Even though he blocked his ex also on the SN, he probably still continues to meet up with her, call her, email her and (of course) screw her...
So he blocked me. Way to do right by me, eh? Every time I need a friend the most he bails on me. What a way to prove you're sorry!
It's now the end of December, he knew when my procedure was supposed to be and I still haven't seen a dime. My procedure had to be rescheduled for January, not for monetary reasons though. However, he did unblock me on the SN a few days before Christmas. Probably because I haven't contacted him since he blocked me. He probably thinks it's safe to unblock me and I won't contact him.
And I won't. I don't need people like that in my life and I don't need him.
It was really difficult for me to relive this story while writing it. I hope that anyone who reads this will watch out for similar warning signs. Don't let someone treat you with disrespect. It is everyone's God given right to be respected in general as human beings. Don't let someone treat you like a dog!
Don't be like me and stay when you start getting treated like dirt. You should never have to go through life feeling bad about yourself. Don't let someone else make you feel worthless! Respect yourself enough to walk away and keep your dignity!
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
She also said, "Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't."
Learn from my mistakes and also take her advice. Do what is right, even if it's not the easiest choice or the easiest route to follow.
There will always be people who will criticize you. Don't worry about them because there will also be people who will admire you for standing up for yourself and what's right!