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5 Things to Consider When Dating Online - From an Unsuccessful Online Dater!
So I've dated online a few times...wait, wait, who am I kidding? I've done the match thing way too long. There! - I said it! What have I learned? - Well for the most part absolutely nothing! I've been 100% unsuccessful. Which on one hand may give you reason not to listen to me at all! However, on the other hand, you can take from my bad experiences and possibly save yourself from...endless amounts of bad coffee dates?
I mean I'm not really jaded (Okay maybe a hair.) I have met some good people that I am friends with (1), but the amount of crazies, drunks, sociopaths, cheaters, flakes, and people that simply can't be classified with any word, words or description from the English language (or any other language) by far outweigh the "cool", down-to-earth people (errr…person) that I've met.
Anyway, below are 5 pretty obvious but sometimes not so obvious warning signs about a potential online date. Pay attention! It could save you time, money and having to sit through an entire cup of coffee with...? (Doesn't sound bad, but try it with a woman who is crying and talking about worshiping a she-god at the same time! - True story!)
1. Excuse me is that a Polaroid picture?
This is an easy one. If someone has a scanned in Polaroid or Polaroids (even worse) as their main pic or pics on their profile, well, they are living in the glory days and not to proud of the “right now” days. - And that's fine. However, never agree to meet a person that is posting pics from 1983 unless you have a flux capacitor hooked up to your Delorean and literally agree to meet them in 1983. I’m not being a jerk, this is just plain deceptive on their part.
2. Do you not have a bottom half?
Profiles with only face shots are great, but if all you are seeing are face shots, something is up. Either they are literally only a face in real-life, or they are hiding something. What is down below? Get your mind out of the gutter! I'm talking about as far as a body. - Although, I have had some questionable "women" email me. Hmmmm...
3. Why are all of your pics from a mile away...at midnight?
This is similar to the sunglasses trick. You know, pic after pic the person is in sunglasses as if to be hiding something. It just makes me nervous. I mean nobody is perfect! Nobody! - But heck, just be honest! I have a crooked shoulder. I'm not quite 5'9 and I snore...I'll stop there.
So yeah, these pics taken from way far away - Why? These pics are usually taken in awesome surroundings or well-known landmarks as if to distract the viewer (YOU!) from the real subject...the potential date! So if you are looking at pics of someone who only has pics of them on top of a pyramid in the Giza strip, or a pic taken at the finish line of a half-marathon...before the race starts, well something is up. Look, we all have an ugly side, just be honest about it. (My feet are ugly as hell too.)
4. Broken Eng'rish and seeking men 3'0 to 7'0?
Okay, profiles written in broken Eng'rish looking for men "specifically" of all kinds!;) These gals are fake! - And I still don't know what the hell they are up to because I've never corresponded with them in broken Eng'rish. For all I know it could be a big hairy man named Ned, or Roger, or Johnny, the NSA, or IRS or...? I just don't know, but these profiles make me nervous. As I read their profiles I feel like if I were to email them they might reply back with, "Where are you from?...What is your mother's maiden name?...Last four of your social?"
5. The Combo!
Oh hell! This technique is running so much interference you need to just promptly click the back button as if something is going to explode if you stay on the page one second longer! In these extreme cases of online dating deceptions, nothing but bad goes (or sheer evil) will unfold - and you find yourself meeting Bob who posed as pretty Jenny the nurse from the local hospital.
It goes something like this. The main pic is a scanned in Polaroid pic of a very pretty face from about…you guessed it, 1983. – OR a scanned in Polaroid of a hot girl in her bathing suit during spring break in…yep, 1983. And the rest of the pics (2) are more recent pics of the potential date at the top of Machu Picchu or hanging out around Stonehenge from a mile away. I mean, how would you ever identify this person if you met them at a Starbucks?
Happy online dating!