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Seriously, girls, I beg you: Do not date online, nothing good will come of it.

Updated on April 12, 2017

And why? Because dating sites are for losers.

There. I said it. How dare I, in this day and age? Everybody dates online nowadays, right? — No. Not everybody. People possessing some semblance of common sense and/or self-esteem will never need to go online to meet people. So if you think that might be you, please, trust your instincts and stay away from dating websites. Here is why.

No good will come of it, ever. If you’re the smallest bit attractive, you will be beseeched by hordes of desperate and/or predatory middle-aged men who, on the whole, will lack all the qualities you dream your Prince Charming should have. Seriously, you’ll go through so much s***, you’ll be wading in it…

If you’re not attractive at all but cursed with enough intelligence to know it, you will still get plenty of interest but your journey will go nowhere except deep depression when your particular type of ‘suitor’ will come ‘knocking’.

If you’re not attractive at all but blissful about it, you still won’t get anywhere where you want to be. Even you, with all that behind you (and you know what I’m talking about — you’ve been there, over and over again…) will not be happy about the type of men approaching you, but as you have always blamed your lack of success with the opposite sex on ‘bad luck’ you will keep on persisting with the dating websites, and therefore this here article will do you no good. So we wish you well and leave you here.

On a serious note, if you’re really interested in getting to know somebody, start in your own backyard. There must be some nice, normal, even interesting people to meet in your neighborhood; after all, you live there. So get involved in your area, attend local events, go to an ‘open mic’ session at the local bar/café, sign up for yoga in the park, have a coffee and a chat at the Sunday markets etc. You know what I’m telling you. Put yourself out there to meet people in your local community. At least you will know who you’re dealing with from the word go.

About now you’re probably thinking the dude is wrong, wrong, wrong. Coz you know so many people who found a relationship online and they’re still going strong… Of course, you do. Well, folks, give it time. It. Won’t. Work. Because even if you do meet someone online who is worth meeting, it is highly unlikely to work out as you both, separately and collectively, fooled yourselves into thinking you’ve found The One (yet again) just as you were at your most desperate. But real life doesn’t work that way. You should know this by now coz you've been there done that, in so many ways. Deep down you know that just because you want to be in a relationship doesn’t mean that you will be or indeed should be. If you’re constantly seeking, you are never going to find as you are blinded by your ‘end goal’ — i.e. to have a partner at all costs, and that is precisely why the relationship won’t work. You’re just too desperate not to be alone and so you will compromise, every time, just so you can attend a friend’s dinner party with a ‘partner’. You see what I’m telling you? — No? Still not sure? Well, let me spell it out for you.

Stop looking, is what I’m telling you. Don’t hawk yourself on dating sites; it’s all pretty desperate stuff happening there and you’ll just be wasting your time while getting more desperate. There. There’s that word again. Desperate. So unattractive. So off-putting. And it is. Desperation will lead you nowhere except trouble. It makes you vulnerable to exploitation. If you’re desperate, you will be taken advantage of. Best case scenario you will lose yourself alongside some loser who will sponge off you until you kick him out several wasted years later. Worst case scenario you will be fleeced of your life savings by a Professional Catfish from Nigeria.

Signs that you might be desperate:

  • You’ve broken up with yet another loser who you have moved in way too quickly, therefore finding out the hard way that he had no job, no career, sported dentures and wasn’t up for it as much as you were after a couple of months — and the first thing you do is jump online and fill out a profile on a dating site (the same one where you met your last loser).
  • You go on a number of disastrous dates, mainly with folks who have either lied about their appearance and/or position in life outright as you discover at first glance when face-to-face for the first time OR have been on the dating site for so long they’ve lost track of time and still feel they fit their decades-old profile picture.
  • Weary but undeterred, you persist in going on more dates until you meet a loser with a winning smile who has no job and no immediate prospects but, on the plus side, is in possession of his own teeth and that just about covers it for you at this point so
  • You move him in, starting the cycle all over again.

Signs that you might be in the clutches of a Professional Nigerian Catfish:

  • Same as bullet point One in previous list.
  • Within a few hours/days The Man Of Your Dreams (read Brad Pitt complete with a fat wallet and an exciting international travel career) will appear, ready to sweep you off your feet.
  • He sweeps you off your feet within the first email/private text as the first order of business is to get you off the dating site and into private communication which will be only written at first.
  • He sends a wonderful introductory email about himself, showing himself to be a caring, sensitive guy whose only goal in life is to please you. Just like that.
  • He stresses the importance of trust between you from the word go, hinting that he will need to rely on you.
  • He calls you babe, darling, my love, my pet etc. as soon as you respond to his email, creating an illusion of an intimate relationship between you.
  • When in texting conversation with you, his turn of phrase is decidedly foreign but he will explain it away (if you’re game enough to question it) by telling you that he grew up in Kenya, Tanzania, Middle East etc. even though he initially claims to be from your country/culture.
  • By the third day of texting, you are convinced that you’ve hit the jackpot! Finally, in your late forties, it’s happening. You’re onto the real deal! Being so high on Cloud Nine, you can still hardly believe that a Man Who Treats You So Well and Who Looks Like That is going to be your boyfriend! But he is! He says so! Right here in this text message, which may or may not go exactly like this:

My love (pet, darling, babe) Thank you for sharing so much your informations and I love you and I am looking very much forward to meet you in our future together and I want spend my life with you, my love so much I love you.

P.S. Send money, lots of them, pleeeeease...

And on this note: Cheers folks, and get off the internet coz there may be a band playing at your local…

Let's hear what you've got to add to this, folks.

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