Domestic Violence Continues even after Leaving and How to move on for Good
Essential Reading on Domestic Abuse
Domestic Abuse - Can you ever escape it...
Domestic Violence or Domestic Abuse, no matter what form it comes in, Physical abuse emotional abuse or Verbal Abuse is not acceptable, and you deserve better! Domestic Violence is all around us, and happens in many houses, no matter what time of year, although during Christmas and New Year incidents of Domestic violence reported increase at this time of year. there is no excuse, for domestic Violence. no matter what time of year, or excuse. What excuse will it be this time, "sorry...I won't do it again" It should never happen. No matter what time of year it is either. But it does, many women are hurt time and time again. People ask "Why do you stay" and you really cannot explain it unless you have lived it. You actually believe you are better staying there, they have controlled your life for so long, it is impossible to be able to think of leaving them. ,
I know I have been there and even when I left my abusive partner he still wanted to control and dictate how my life was going to go. But I did indeed eventually escape his abusive grips and move on finding a wonderful protective and caring man.
Realizing now just how awful that time in my life was.
Surely We should be safe from Domestic abuse..... - in our Own Home
Speak out about Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence & Having the Strength to leave an Abusive partner
No excuses this time
I know, I have been there. But something changes, I don't know what but from somewhere within, one day you just decide.
I am not going to put up with this any longer.
But how do you go about that, they have manipulated and controlled you for years, telling you what to do, who you can see, talk to and you know they are not going to let you go that easy.
You need to become strong, stronger than you have probably been in your whole life, and your abuser is going to hate it, and they will retaliate with every trick they can think of.
You need to know that, you need to mentally prepare yourself knowing it is going to make him/her madder than they have ever been before, that is why you need to pull in support from others, research your options, to get away, there is more to life than broken ribs, blackened eyes, and the deep dark depression of living with the emotional abuse.
Many people ask..."How can I leave an abusive partner?", and many ask "how can't you just leave" looking back, if it had just been a case of leaving, and it ending, fantastic, but we know that is not going to happen, but was I ready for the abuse to become worse, but I was going to end up controlling my own life.
1 in 3 women will experience some form of domestic abuse in their lifetime,
and 1 women per week is killed by their partner or ex-partner.
As you try to remember the feelings of happiness and love you once both shared, you sit breaking your heart once again, because your partner has once again battered and bruised you, belittled you and made you feel so unworthy of their love, never mind anyone else's.
The realization that you dream of a blissful relationship is actually on self destruct course, you can't make it better,the bottom line is you are living with domestic abuse, and now you know for the sake of yourself and you child/children you need to leave, you may be worried about money, where will you live, but if I had known at the time the help and advice available to me, then I would not have suffered in silence for so long.
You think you have nowhere to turn because they have turned you against everyone, they have been slowly feeding into your mind, "what are you doing with them... they are just using you." They have a fall out with one of your family members and make it difficult for you to see them. Sound familiar. they tell you what to wear, where you can go, if your lucky that they let you go anywhere on your own.
You ask yourself - Where did it all go wrong? and I can guarantee you will be asking yourself "What did I do wrong?"
I still ask myself these questions even after 10 years of being separated, from my abuser. You would think the abuse would stop, wouldn't you? It should, but there are circumstances where it continues.
When there are children involved you will always have a connection to that person whether you want to or not. As I have found out.
Only recently after suffering another incident, I was referred by the police to their Domestic Abuse Unit, I was a bit confused as I had a new partner, recently married yet, I was suffering Domestic Abuse? How could this be?
So it led me to write this to maybe help other people (men and woman) who are in a similar position.
I can see this as an ongoing piece of work and what I write here is MY experiences, the help I have sought and the support I have received that has helped me to become stronger, and more able to stand up to my Abuser.
Domestic Abuse Support - Help from Womans Aid
Money, housing and the Law
I left my partner when I was 6 months pregnant. I had made up my mind that I could not bring a child into a violent relationship. Although I had left a few times before I always returned to promises of change, nothing did, it soon reverted to the abuse again.
I will forever be indebted to all the staff at www.womensaid.org for giving me a place to stay, as I was led to believe I had nowhere to go, as I had been repeatedly told, that I could never make it on my own, as I was stupid, that I needed him, I was nothing without him, for the first time I had a place to stay, no-one not even my mum knew the location of the refuge, it gave me time to breathe and make the best choices for myself and my unborn child.
They gave me not only the emotional support, but advice about money, the Law and housing.
At the time it was the violence that stood out to me however as the time went on and I was able to reflect, it was all the other small things that actually done the most harm.
Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars.
Knowing I had a child to protect pushed me to make that break, and I contacted www.womensaid.org
Women's Aid has over 30 years of experience working with women and children living with domestic abuse. Over the years they have provided women with help, support and information, and is aimed at empowering them to make informed choices and find appropriate routes to safety.
Violence against women: the numbers
Studies done by the British Crime Survey and similar surveys show that:
Nearly one in three women have experienced domestic violence
Nearly one in four women have experienced some form of sexual assault
39 per cent of women say that the fear of crime impacts on their quality of life
Nearly one in ten women say they have been stalked
40 per cent of victims of serious sexual assault tell nobody
Domestic violence can include physical abuse, sexual assault and verbal threats.
It can also include more subtle attacks such as:
Constant breaking of trust
It can affect partners in all types of relationships.
These lists are not exhaustive.
If you've been physically or mentally harmed by a relative or someone you're in a relationship with, remember that you are not to blame. Many victims of domestic violence believe that they have created or caused the problems that led to the violence but this isn't the case. The only person to blame is the one who is committing the violent acts.
If you feel confident enough, you should call the police. They take crimes like this very seriously and will be able to act quickly. If you don't want to call the police, talk to a friend or family member that you can trust about your feelings. The worst thing you can do is stay quiet and allow it to continue.
And all that is only easy if you can...but you MUST
How do you leave a Violent Partner - Where do you Get the Courage
Two woman's stories and how they got their courage
Does Domestic Violence and Abuse ever stop
I don't live with him anymore
So I have my baby, and my ex-partner was there, as I did believe, against all my families wishes that although we had a violent relationship, surely he would change now?
Eh...no...it took him exactly 6 days after her birth for the bully to re-appear.
Over the years his continued behavior was to say the least strange, he even appeared in the National Newspaper, I will always remember being at work and opening the National newspaper at page 19...I was hyperventilating trying to tell my boss what was wrong. Attacking and biting his boss, in a pub argument.
So I had been proved right he was a violent bully? that had serious Anger Management issues, well my friends and family knew that, but his mother could not see past her loving and adorable son, even though he had attacked his own father, after he had had a heart attack.
I had stopped contact from time to time because of his erratic behavior and through a very good lawyer set some rules and boundaries.
He was not allowed to come down my driveway or into my house (so people could see him at pick ups/drop offs)
So contact would resume when he was in agreement, to the terms. Putting in boundaries, hoping he would adhere to them, not so much protection for my daughter, but protection for myself.
I thought I was doing the right thing. Many woman would have denied him contact and let the case go to court, I really did not want that and tried desperately to keep contact going for the sake of my daughter who had a right to know her father. (He knew this and would use this against me too.)
Over the years there have been many incidents that have arisen that even I do not want to share, but believe you me they are just terrible, and I usually found out through a third party what he had been up to later on, I have my house alarmed straight to the police, and the police have all relevant details to hand in case a call comes in, placing myself and my daughter on the Vulnerable Persons List.
To give you an idea of some of the Crazy things he done was, he got married on my birthday to his now EX wife (who may I add I am very good friends with now.)
How did she find out it was my birthday , well when my daughter told her on her wedding day, and he denied all knowledge of it, my birthday is 3 days away from his?...but on the night of their wedding day instead of enjoying a lovely romantic night, he beat up his best man.
I have had the police at my door to "check on the welfare of my child" I have had Social Workers visit, I have had the Tax man at my door, I have had stories that are unbelievable told about me, I have had threats on my life, I have been warned he will take my daughter abroad and not return her.
He threatened to "plant" drugs in my house the first chance he got.
If I talk to him on the phone, he will call the police and say I have been threatening and abusive, to him.
I get sick when I think he may come to the house, and its only me in, he claims I am a bad parent, amongst stories he has told people is that I have "held HIM DOWN and burned his torso with cigarettes" I was about 7 stone, he was around 15 stone in weight?
And the ultimate was when I met my now husband, they (his mother and him) found it appropriate to tell me that my daughter had made an allegation against him...well my world as I knew it was swept from under my feet.
Through thorough investigation by authorities the "incident" that took place had actually been a game that kids play when they walk up your legs and flip over backwards!
The verdict was Vindictive! (Honestly that's what the Social Work and Police department said. I had to inform my workplace which was so humiliating. Although I had worked with my then colleagues, for many years and they were aware of my "trouble" with my ex.)
Now I have NEVER been in trouble with the law, not even a speeding ticket, I have worked hard and studied hard, I personally think they (his family) would have loved it if I was on drugs and lived in a to floor flat, and they could have said "I told you so"
And I suffer this abuse from my childs father who I have not lived with for 10 years...?
Extreme Domestic Violence
....Cold Blooded Murder....
Now you may feel I am being just a bit dramatic here with the picture.
Am I? A recent story in the headlines was indeed about the very same behaviours... in the beginning.
Raoul Moat was finally tracked down after a week long manhunt, after he shot his ex-girlfriend and new partner
Moat was just released from serving 18 months after assaulting a relative, on his release she told him she was seeing a police officer. moat also gunned down a police officer.
She later said
"'I said this because I was frightened. I have not been seeing a police officer." (source Daily Record)
So he still held that fear over her?...
How can you help your friend who is in an Abusive Relationship
How can you help someone you know is suffering?
Simple answer - Be there no matter what. No judgment, no lectures....listen and support
You know that their partner is manipulating, and you need to rise above that, if it was not for my best friend who was always there even if I had not spoken to her in 3 months, she did not take offense, if my partner had said something about her, she never mentioned it to me.
My motto is now if in doubt SHOUT... and ask for help. Here is a great Video to Watch and helps you and your friend make a Safety Plan,
She was just there, this is my best friend of nearly 20 years, and I am lucky to have such a lady in my life.
I really don't know the ending to my story yet...
Songs about Domestic Violence
Rhianna and Eminem sung "love the way you lie", highlights how the cycle continues in an abusive relationship and Tracy Chapman sung "behind the walls" highlights what goes on behind closed doors- these song are very moving
An Update now 13 years sinc e leaving the abusive Partner
It saddens me to write this, but I have now been contacted by my abusive exs latest VICTIM. Who was badly beaten and has had to stand up in court and tell her story.
This is now 13 years along and I believe the first time the police have managed to actually take him to court. As there was enough evidence outwith the victims statement.
I actually cannot believe it, he is still aggressive and obviously very violent. His stories are incredulous, and I believe the local police have had enough and wanting to see him get what he deserves, as now they are asking for back ground reports.
I hope he gets time to think about what he has done, but I don't think that will solve his problems, He needs intensive therapy, or he will still go on meeting another woman and I will be contacted once again, with the same story.
Please leave a comment to show your support to the many women or men who continue to suffer in silence and still living in fear.