What are the reasons for couples who love each other, having less sex after having a baby?
What are the barriers to having physical intimacy in the context of an otherwise good relationship, i.e. where there are no other significant issues like adultery or violence?
I'd say exhaustion, right after having a baby! They're liable to value sleep more than sex.
Also, I've heard of instances where the woman or man will view the other solely as their child's parent, as a non-sexual being, once a kid comes into play.
Really interesting point about viewing the other person as a parent...I guess this has all kinds of connotations about growing up and being like your own parents (most probably a non-sexual being!).
I definitely agree about the exhaustion.
Nicola......I'll give this question a good try, based upon experience and some speculation. Hopefully I can recall that far back!
Babies. Wonderful, welcome and much loved little "Miracles." Yes, they are. The reality also is that quite simply, from the moment of conception, life begins to change for Mommy & Daddy. By basic NATURE, the couple themselves are never quite the same two individuals. This shouldn't be difficult to understand.
The frequency of intimate moments may lessen somewhat, but this is not the only aspect of a couple's life that changes due to the arrival of their little Prince or Princess. "Babies," kick start hundreds of changes that ultimately become a total transformation. It just happens and in so many ways, this is a very good thing.
In terms of the bedroom......Before baby, this was Mom & Dad's Play Room......their refuge of love and intimacy......WHOOPEE!!! After baby, despite all hope and efforts....the bedroom becomes a place for sleep, peace & quiet and recovery. Imagine that.
I would guess that this is how "Date Night" was created. Suddenly there's a schedule for everything. It's not the end of the world....nor is it anything that should make a couple panic or begin to fret.
Most couples evolve into a comfortable Dynamic Duo, pooling their time and energies into all the things that are most important to the good of their entire family....and adapt to priority-ranking.
There really aren't "barriers" to physical intimacies.....if you refuse to view them as such. It all becomes part of the "work" required to having a healthy, happy marriage. No one should ever marry, believing in "Happily ever after," fantasies".......that's silly. Work, creativity and dedication can fix most anything.
The very best part of all this, besides strengthening your bond, is Babies are so worth it!
Beautifully written. I think the point about the function of the room is really significant, especially if your little one sleeps with you for any period of time. And the scheduling things and prioritising.
Thank you for your thoughts.
Very good answer. I appreciate your putting it into so beautiful words.
Some of my reflections are about: how one's body gets used, and that that changes things, from a body that you share with your partner or lover to a body that cleans and feeds and carries and generally ministers to someone else's every need; who takes responsibility for what and how equal that feels, and whether when you feel you have done more, you don't feel like giving anything else; not being in the habit of being seduced and actually guarding against being taken in by anyone in order to protect your child...what do you think?
Speaking as someone who has never had children I can assure you there are a lot of long-term relationships and marriages without children who also have less sex overtime. Those couples who do have children may believe if they didn't have them they'd be swinging from the chandlers but they're kidding themselves. On average once couples cross the 5-7 year mark in a relationship/marriage the average number of times they engage in sex is about twice a week.
LOL, twice a week would be amazing for some couples.
dragonflycolor,Twice a week would be a dream come true :-) They're also a lot of "empty nesters" who are in "sexless marriages". Don't blame the kids! We do things we (want) to do, (have) to do, and if in the mood things we (need) to do Priorities
So much changes after having a child that time and stressful moments often get in the way.
I think chemical balance also changes how we feel. What we eat and drink affects our health, therefore affecting our moods. It is the same for our sexual appetite. It doesn't necessarily have to be after having children, but shelling out all that energy certainly messes with your body's chemistry. It's one of the reasons why companies sell "aphrodisiacs" in food, enticing people with imagery, and the like. It elicits a chemical response creating a need for intimacy at that moment.
There are a number of things that contribute. In my personal experience:
-Physical recovery time after giving birth. Some women bounce back in two weeks, for others it can take a year.
-Breastfeeding generally results in a lower sex-drive for women, how long it lasts is again different for every individual.
-Exhaustion. Sleep takes precedence over pretty much everything.
-Strain on the relationship. The first year of a child's life is a trying time for even the most stable couples. There are so many changes, decisions, and each person within the relationship will change in response to becoming a parent.
-Lack of opportunity. Life with children can be busy and hands-on 24/7 (obviously somewhat depending on age). If you manage to catch a couple hours of peace and quiet, you might just want to sit and be.
I think once couples adjust to their new lives as parents things usually get back into the swing of things, but there are still some time/opportunity restrictions that will be there until the kids are grown.
My son is almost 2 and my marriage is just starting to get back on its sexual tracks again. If you are a stay at home mom then your day is filled with looking after the baby, cleaning and taking care of yourself (depending on how soon after the birth you are) and sleeping. You are on the baby's schedule and no one else for a while. As for your husband, boyfriend, fiance .... he is most likely working his butt off and when he gets home is completely beat and just wants to relax. Sometimes the woman feels unattractive and doesn't want her husband to see her, because believe me, your body will change. Maybe not like night and day change but enough to shake your confidence a bit. Your breasts will hurt and change sizes up until your milk dies up.
In reality it depends on the couple and the situation.
I think the way that we feel about our bodies it crucial. I remember being really proud of my body and what it was doing when I was thinking about my child, but not feeling pleased and apprecaitive of it when I thought about it as a sexual object!
I've been trying to answer this question forever! But my thought would be lack of attraction ! Never any time alone ! Forgetting what there once was before children
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