Am I the one to blame?

1. 49

   jenny bradposted 14 years ago

   I smoke and my husband doesn't trust me because I smoked behind his back and lied about it. I lied because I feel like he controls me too much and he always brings up divorce when we argue. We argue a lot and I usually lose. It's like he has more power over me, ex. if I smoke he usually wants sex because I smoke. He keeps the pack locked up and keeps the key with him and allows me one a day. Sometimes that's not enough because when I'm stressed I don't know how to deal with it. I'm sad and I smoke to calm down. I want to quit and am trying. When I try to talk to him about how I feel, we end up arguing and it always boils down to me smoking and bothering him about playing too much WoW. He doesn't admit to any fault except that he 'lets' me smoke. He plays WoW to relax and escape from life's problems so why can't I smoke to do the same and someday find another way to relax? He doesn't let me hang out with my BF's because they smoke and he thinks they encourage me to smoke but they don't, I made the choice to smoke behind his back (that was my mistake). They even said they would leave their packs with him so us girls could go see a movie and have a girls night. He got mad and just said, "they could go buy another pack," true, but they said they would do whatever necessary so we could go out together. We have a little girl and I never go out without either her or my husband. He doesn't want me to leave her with him because he hates to feed her and all he wants to do is play WoW. Am I just silly or should he take some fault?

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      B.C. BOUTIQUEposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I believe you need a new husband..or get rid of that one and be single..he is not your father and is trying to be..
      
      I ended up with a roomate who acted like that to me..he acted like he was with me, controlled my cigarettes and my medications, lived off me and kept saying he was trying to help..he even controlled my car...I was actually afraid of him..
      
      I ended that quick by moving out while he was at work on a forth of July holiday ( the only day he worked more than 3 hrs a day )..then the jerk harassed me saying I owed him, he loved me, blah -blah-blah..I changed my phone number and got protection...
      
      he is still out there, but has not found me yet..he was a mamma's boy, over 30 and I id not ever want him ...I leaned this from just having a roomate, and this guy is actually your husband...file for divorce dear, he will just get worse!

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2. 55

   yenajeonposted 14 years ago

   It's time for you to bring up the divorce!

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      jenny bradposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      One of my BF's is a single mom and she reminded me how hard it is. I have brought it up but I just can't do it.

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3. 76

   Mikel G Robertsposted 14 years ago

   How old are you?

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      jenny bradposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I'm 20. He believes he does nothing wrong.

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         jenny bradposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         How do I put up boundaries for myself without starting an argument?

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            Mikel G Robertsposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            The arguement has already started, what your really wanting to know is how do you win the argument.

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               jenny bradposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               yea...

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                  Mikel G Robertsposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  First you have to decide if it is worth winning, by that I mean if you end up with an ultimatum, quit smoking and do as your told or leave....
                  
                  is it worth getting to that point to you. If your answer is yes, then tell him that.
                  
                  If your answer is no then be quiet and do as your told.

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                     jenny bradposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     I dont want him to leave and i dont want him controling me. I want to reach common ground.

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                        IzzyMposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                        Maybe you should teach him a lesson, and take your little girl and move out - call it a trial separation - see if he make the moves to woo you back?

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                           jenny bradposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                           we live with my dad

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                              IzzyMposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                              Wow! How easy is that! Show him the door -tell him you want a trial separation until he learns to treat you better.
                              Em...does your dad know how this man is treating you?

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                                 jenny bradposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                                 yea ive discussed it with him but he wont butt in unless i ask. he thinks my husband is lazy, which he is, and needs to grow up.

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                                    IzzyMposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                                    You've got a great dad there!
                                    Now sit your dad down and discuss this with him. He is your ally here, and sounds like you need one. Your man might be lazy and childish and everything your dad says, but he isn't treating you right. How much worse it would be for you if you both lived in your own place? Would you be allowed to go visit your dad? Get this sorted now, and I hope you have a long and happy marriage, but you do need to sort it.

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                                       jenny bradposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                                       thank you.

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                     AEvansposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     You did not say that? lololo
                     
                     Be quiet and do as your told oh my goodness! lololo

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                        Mikel G Robertsposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                        That is the way the situation seems to be for her to me... Those seem to be her choices...
                        
                        I'm not very blunt am I... (grinning)

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4. 89

   IzzyMposted 14 years ago

   Some guys are just control freaks. My boyfriend is one of them too. I think deep down he has insecurities, and it could be your husband has them too. You need to reassure him, if you can, that you love him and think he is wonderful.
   I should take my own advice, when my fella gets bolshie, I just tell him he knows where the door is.
   I am not married to him. That makes a big difference.
   You have a young child too. He should not be telling you what to do with your life. It is your choice to stop smoking. All he has a right to do is encourage you. This thing about locking the cigarettes away is just control, nothing more.
   You are young, I assume he is too.
   I take it you are still in love with him. Fine, just don't be 'in awe' of him. When he has you there he will walk all over you, and he will lose respect for you, because that is the type he is.
   Reassure him, but be firm. You are an adult, you have to stand on your own two feet, even to him.
   Things could change. If they don't...Walk.

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      jenny bradposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I'm pretty sure he would walk. Every argument we have ends with me feeling worse off than before. I try to compromise with him but in the end I feel like I get the shorter end of the stick.

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5. 0

   sneakorocksolidposted 14 years ago

   You're young and uneducated in the,"Powers of Guilt!" My wife can ruin my son and I with just a look! Demand a truce until you can be taught and good luck!

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   AEvansposted 14 years ago

   If he is controlling you now, it will get worse as both of you get older get out now before the emotional and mental abuse turns to physical abuse or violence. Divorce him and your father should support you on that decision.
   
   In the meantime quit smoking it is bad for your health!

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      IzzyMposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      They do sometimes change. My first husband was like this but I knocked it out off him, eventually.

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7. 0

   sneakorocksolidposted 14 years ago

   There are classes starting in your area!

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