do three particular words matter?

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   stclairjackposted 11 years ago

   my boyfriend and i have been seeing each other for a year now,... i'll be the first to admit that our relationship did not get started in anything even closely resembling normal,... i had a dead beat husband #2 still living in my house two months after mutualy deciding that he needed to leave,... it would seem that i didnt know how to throw out his 7 year old son, and he knew it, so he worked it as long as he could,.... i met my friend at my local water hole, we were set up of sorts,... after a few days i stopped in and talked to him and explained the whole situation from my end, and that i wasnt realy capable of a traditional relationship at that time, i needed some one to watch movies, BBQ chicken, and possibly have sex with,... down the road was a different matter, but at the time i was jugling a divorce, a banckruptcy, a comunity rumor mill,(that i wound up using to my own benifit)and raising a then 12 yr old boy,... could he handle that? i asked....
   
   he answered that i was the most honest woman he had ever met and yes he could handle that.
   
   so there we were, BBQ'n chicken, watching movies,... and so on,... i got the bankruptcy, got the big idiot moved out of my house, and eventualy even got the divorce final,... and all the while we've kept going along with each other.
   
   turns out this is the most fantastic relationship i've ever been in,... he was initialy worried i would freek out over his brand of crazy(bi-polar and a few other labels),... i was worried that me being me would be a problem, but he has given me the freedom to be exactly who i am,...
   
   long way round the barn to get to the question i'm posing,...
   
   we never say "i love you",... due to past experiences for both of us, its sorta off limits,... and i must say that while man is not a talker, he has said that though he's not fond of the phrase, he tries to make his feelings aparent in all that he does and says, and hopes that i know that,... and i myself try to do the same,...
   
   i must say however,... i miss the phrase very much,...
   
   any thoughts?

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      DIYweddingplannerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I spent eight years with someone with Asperger's and never once heard the words.  I believe he loved me the best he could, even though he never said the words, but I, like you, needed to hear them now and then.  A tough call, I wish you luck...I guess it boils down to whether you're willing to wait or whether you just need to make up your mind they are just words after all.

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         stclairjackposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         i have no complaints re; our relationship save this one, and i tend to apraoch the problem logicaly,.. and i always come to the same conclusion,... as cags says, actions do speak louder than words, and both of us act in the ways would demonstrate our thoughts,...
         
         as to the aspergers, wow, that must have been intense,.. or rather not,... tony is just plain crazy, as am i,.. the only difference being that he has a diagnosis or 4,.. and i have never sat on the couch to get one.
         
         all that said, my mind is compleetly happy with our arangement,.... my heart on the other hand,.... well,... every time i listen to my heart i get shafted,... so logic it is! ha!

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      Lovesloveposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Those 3 little words are not spoken in my relationship either..there is no need..I know how he feels about me..the words in cards,my favourite perfume and the gifts for no reason at all..I know he loves me even though he cannot and wil not ever say those words..by his own admission he is not romantic ( he is but doesnt realise it !!) and finds it hard to show emotion .We understand eachother that is far more important than words

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2. 78

   Cagsilposted 11 years ago

   From what I am told, it's nice to hear once in a while, but isn't a requirement of the relationship. Actions always speak louder than words do anyways.
   
   If you feel that it is a "need", then one might say that you have issues.
   
   Just a thought.

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      DIYweddingplannerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Are you saying I have issues, Cags?

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         Cagsilposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         No, I am saying what any psychologist might have to say on the subject and almost every female I've ever had a relationship with.
         
         It has never been an issue from any female I've ever talked to about it. They all said it would be "nice" to hear it once in a while, but it wasn't a "need", as I said.
         
         If YOU need to hear, then it's a problem.

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            DIYweddingplannerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

            Then let me rephrase that if we're going to split hairs, it would be extremely NICE to hear those words, preferably often, but not ever in eight years?  Yeah, I needed to hear them at least once.  And if you feel it, why not say it?  You've got to let go enough sometime in your life to let someone see your heart.

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               Cagsilposted 11 years agoin reply to this

               You see people's love for you through how they handle/treat you. I won't continue this any further.

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                  DIYweddingplannerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

                  True and actions do speak louder than words.  If he lets you be you and accepts you for who you are, then by all means, go for it. Alot of people say the words and never mean them, so perhaps it's better if they don't.

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      stclairjackposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      i dont know bout DIY but can assure you have issues! ha!
      
      i agree, its not needed by the logical mind,.... the silly girls heart would like the pleasure of hearing it and saying,..... but as i said above,.... my heart is a pain in the ass! ha!

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         DIYweddingplannerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Yeah, it's when your heart gets in the way that there's a problem...right there with ya on that!

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         Cagsilposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         I have only one issue. People reading things into what I write or say. HA!

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            DIYweddingplannerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

            Did I do that? 

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            stclairjackposted 11 years agoin reply to this

            i have to ask cagsil,... do you always have this effect on women?.... or just the ones you seem to constantly find yourself somehow offending on hub pages? ha!
            
            in all honesty, you do seem to attract women to you that love to argue with you?.... i've caught it a lot here in the forums,... i'd have to blind deaf and dumb not to i guess,.. do you have a loyal following of HP passive agressive stalkers,.... or i it just a gift?
            
            i mean no disrespect, in fact i'm just trying to inject some humor into an otherwise bizar siuation that iseem to satumble upon quite often reguarding you and a couple others,...
            
            was just wondering. -jack

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   sofsposted 11 years ago

   What is wrong with having to hear one of the most positive statements about yourself? Don't we all want love..from our parents as kids, friends as teenagers and spouses and lovers ...I am not going to debate on this, but this is what most normal people want..take one look at all the poetry in Hubpages or for that matter anywhere. Cheeres Cags abd DIYWP

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      stclairjackposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      normal i think is the oppperative word,.... niether me nor my friend are normal,... at least thats what we've been told all our lives, singly and collectively. ha!
      
      i do think cags and DIY need to go to thier rooms and not come out untill theeyve had a nap! ha!
      
      i'm pleased to have used my personal question to provide a platform for others to squable,.... kinda gives me that warm fuzzy feeling that being told someone loves you does,....not so much.
      
      being a snarky little ass on a sunday night arent i? ha!

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         DIYweddingplannerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Sorry, didn't do that intentionally.  Felt I was under attack for whatever reason.  I was just answering a question and got ambushed.  I don't think I'm wrong in saying that women do feel a strong need to hear the words. I tried to deny that and wasted 8 years of my life. I don't think I need a shrink just because I asked for something any normal woman would.  Pretty Panther said it better below than I could.  In the end, you have to do what's best for you.  Just don't wake up one day wishing you had asked for more years down the road. And now I'm out on the subject.

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   PrettyPantherposted 11 years ago

   We all have needs, not in the literal sense that Cags is referring to, but we all have things we need that make us feel good or make our lives happier.  There is no point in trying to judge whether this need is right or wrong, or good or bad, since it isn't as though your need will harm anyone.  If you continue to feel the need to hear the three words once in awhile, then you should tell him.  It might be that he has a need not to say them, in which case you both will have to reconcile your conflicting needs.  This is what being in a relationship is about.  Sometimes we give something to our friend or lover because we know it makes them happy and doesn't harm us in the process.  So, if he loves you, then it won't kill him to say it once in awhile.  If he doesn't, that's a whole other issue. 
   
   Regardless, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your wanting to hear those words and expressing it to him.  If he wanted something from you, wouldn't you want to know?

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5. 81

   stclairjackposted 11 years ago

   thanks for all ya'lls input on the subject

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