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Why won't he propose?

Updated on May 17, 2015

Why won't my boyfriend propose?

You've been together for ages and everything is great, right? So why won't he propose? You're asking yourself this question over and over though you're careful (you think) of not letting your frustration show. But deep down (or just under the surface depending on your personality) you're feeling unhappy, unsettled and unsure of yourself. You think about this all the time and you're very confused. Things are just so good between you so why hasn't he proposed?

Why hasn't he proposed?

There are several reasons why men do not propose when in a loving, committed relationship:

  • He hasn't proposed because it simply hasn't occurred to him to propose. He's happy as Larry with you, with the way things are so why fix what ain't broke?
  • He hasn't a clue how you've been feeling if you haven't brought the subject of marriage up for a discussion
  • Men are not, on the whole, very romantic. Once you've moved in together, their idea of romance is to have a good nosh, wash it down with a few beers and have his way with you before he settles on the couch to watch a footy game on a Friday night. As long as he's keeping up his end of the bargain (he's HOME with YOU on a Friday night) he assumes that you're just as happy with your relationship as he is. His dreams are being fulfilled and he hasn't the capacity to analyse yours, which brings us to the next point.
  • Men do not dream of weddings full stop - being a groom is not part of their culture as we know it - they haven't grown up thinking of becoming a groom the way you have, dreaming of becoming a bride when you grow up
  • In his mind he's already committed so there is no need to make it official
  • Some men are afraid of making things permanent though in fact they love being in a committed relationship, which they will sustain successfully as long as they don't make it official
  • He knows himself well - he's learned, from previous relationships, that he will not be able to sustain his interest in you and when the time comes he'll leave to find a new loving, committed, monogamous relationship
  • He doesn't want to make you the final stop - while you're good enough for now, he's privately thinking he might do better in the future so why make it official?
  • He's preparing to leave anyway; he's just biding his time with you while waiting for someone better to come along
  • He knows you'll stick around no matter what so why make it official? You're lucky to have him to begin with.

Should you bring up the subject of marriage?

Yes, you should. There is no reason why you shouldn't let him know how you feel. After all, this is your partner and friend. But there is a way of approaching this. Do not, under any circumstances, start acting as if he should know what he's doing wrong - he's not doing anything wrong. He can't be expected to read your mind so tell him what is bothering you.

The way you do it is that you let him know your personal expectations for your future; ie. tell him you would like to have a family in the future and ask him how he feels about it. This will open a dialogue and give you the opportunity to elaborate on your preferred family model. You can ask him about his future plans and if they include him getting married but do not, under any circumstances, give an ultimatum to marry you or else. If you do, you will lose the relationship. Men do not like to be pushed into making such decisions and you will come across as desperate. Desperate is a real turn-off. Men have to feel they have a prize other men also desire; showing them that you're desperate will lower you in his estimation and he will stop desiring you. If he doesn't desire you, he might conclude other people won't either so why saddle himself with a woman nobody wants? It is in your best interest to only 'nudge' him in the right direction. So, with this in mind, keep your discussion general if not downright philosophical; you will protect yourself from being viewed as undesirable.

Another way of telling him of how you'd like the relationship to progress is to drop subtle hints when appropriate; for example, while attending a friend's wedding. Be aware, however, that this may not work; men tend to confidently ignore such hints.

If nothing works and you are not getting the much wished-for proposal, you might want to reconsider your entire relationship and decide whether the relationship-as-is is what you'd be happy with even if you never get to marry your boyfriend, or whether you'd be better off moving on. After all, this is the rest of your life we're talking about. Indeed, your moving on might just make him realize what he's losing and before you know it, he's down on his knee with a ring in front of you. Either way, your fate is in your hands. Good luck!

With that said, let's look at the poll below and see what would push you over the edge.

So he's finally proposed but...'ve turned him down because:

See results


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    • momoblu profile image

      momoblu 5 years ago

      Great way to put a mans outlook!

    • Mellonyy profile image

      Mellonyy 5 years ago

      Great hub! I think, men should not be forced to propose because if they are not ready and you make an ultimatum, it will be a miserable marriage. Thanks for SHARING!