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He's Just Not That Into You

Updated on September 29, 2009

Okay, I had to sound off about this issue because I'm no expert but I feel propelled to share. There are 50 million books targeted at single women to understand how to get a man to like you, date you, or marry you within a year. While I think some books are helpful in terms of helping you understand and communicate with the man you're interested in some of them neglect to just tell the truth like it

He's not into you. He's not feeling you. He doesn't like you. He doesn't want you. Men are great at non-verbal cues. So here's a cue, if he hasn't called you, it's because he doesn't want to. Phones work, emails work, and greeting cards can be mailed. If you went out on a date with someone and they don't entertain or initiate any further contact then they didn't like you. If you go out on a date and they call you two or three weeks later - again, they don't want you. If he only calls you every now and then to go out but when you talk on the phone he tells you 50 places he visited in between that time then you are low on his priority list or he has you at the bottom of the rotation of potentials. If he goes out with you and it takes him eight weeks to call you out of the blue - you're an idiot for believing that you are important in his world.

Men are simple. Men who like beers often go to a bar to get a drink after work or grab a 6-pack on their way home. Men who like sandwiches find a way to stop by subway or grab a deli sandwich at the grocery store. Men who like sports make sure they are in the house, over someone else's house, or at a sports bar to see the fight/game. They will make time for what they do and what they enjoy. They will also make time for experiences they like.

Example #1: One of my ex's is going to provide a good example of showing interest and being into me. From the first time we talked, we had great conversation, and went on a date within the following week. We had great chemistry and he was really interested in me so the following activities followed: inviting me to go dance, inviting me to bbq's with his friends, inviting me to dinner, inviting me over to his place when he cooked. I could barely move without him finding a way to monopolize my time and enjoy my company. In his own way he made sure I was not dating anyone else, or at least not as seriously as we were while he was getting to know me. How could I? He even went to my co-workers son's birthday party one weekend with me. Those are signs of extreme interest.  I used to smile at times because he was trying to impress me and at the same time he was getting so sexually frustrated in the process as he was getting no sex and we spent a few months together seeing each other 3-4 times per week.

Example #2: I met this guy while at happy hour grabbing a drink on a Friday after work. We talked a little bit, no big sparks flew for the both of us was my perception.  He obtained my number before I left. We talked for a few minutes-literally and he asked me out on Tuesday for Wednesday night. A week had already passed from the time we met. Two hours before our date he left me a message saying he stayed out later than expected the night before and wanted a rain check, could we go out on Thursday. I text back that I was unavailable on Thursday, too bad. More time went by so I'm thinking is this dude married, in a relationship, or just not interested. I spoke to him a few weeks after that and he claimed he was busy traveling and doing all this work, etc. (BS).  This dude never really held a conversation with me more than 10 minutes tops. Once a month I purse numbers and his was deleted. He's not that interested and it showed in his behavior. I wasn't that interested in him either so I didn't loose anything. I was never that interested in him from the start and was thinking we might become cool friends but I can't have anyone disrespect my time, that's a no no. No need for me to reconsider or think that he might have meetings. We're in the same state. Delete.

While there is a method to the madness sometimes, I just wanna scream when women read so incorrectly into situations. I think every women who is dating or has dated should go buy a copy of the book-based movie that came out this year: He's Just Not That Into You. Make it a movie night and ask your girlfriends over so they can grow and learn as well.  It demonstrates my point exactly.

If he's into you he will be around you, call you, and make you a priority. Period! Don't go making up elaborate crap in your head about all the reasons why he hasn't called, didn't call you back, only texts you, or hasn't asked you out again. You should not want anyone who does not want you. How do you know he doesn't want you? When he puts no effort into connecting with you or being around you. The same man that doesn't like you will pull out all the stops for someone he's really into because he wants her attention and to make sure of his election in her heart. If you start off chasing you will end up chasing and a man will never respect you for that. It's called being a doormat for someone and believe me: he's never going to wake up and say I should love her. He might use you, find you convenient or ride the ride because he has to do nothing to earn you or deserve your affection so until what he wants comes along you might do. Who wants to be that girl?  I've had someone in my life that wanted to be there just enough not to be totally out the picture but still be around at times but still claimed he was not involved in a relationship-I'm like yeah okay. So what do I tell him, the truth.  When I get a text saying baby I miss you and can I see you for dinner tonight.  Sweetly I will text back, sorry have a date tonight. He's text me something like, don't let dude kiss you or touch you.  I can even discuss dates (his and mine) as well because we're better friends because he never made enough effort, so again........he just wasn't that into me. It happens to the best of us.

What I hate the most and I'm sure most men do as well............................being bamboozled. I wish in the dating world everyone would be themselves. Now like I said before we can all improve but there is nothing worse then being fake until you get in a relationship or get married and then the REAL YOU emerges. Here you are while dating cooking every night, cleaning up after him, going to church twice a week, and always seem sweet and meek. Then you get in a relationship or he marries you based on that image and you are really a chain smoking, crack addict with a bad temper who only went to a church you saw on the corner when you guys started dating. There is someone who will love you for exactly who you are so there is no need to play differently. It will only waste your time and theirs because they will find a way to break free of you eventually like a coyote. The nature channel revealed that they are one of the only animals known to eat their flesh to get out of a trap.

Please stop meeting someone and wrapping your entire world around them. What is that and why do so many women do this? Unless he's pursuing you and spending a lot of time with you why would you stop meeting other people, start doodling his last name next to your first name, and figuring out who's going to stay with who? No wonder dude is running for the door. Desperation and no selection ladies!? Everyone wants to be loved for who they are to you, not because they fit the gender category and are available. Let's keep it real ladies, do you think he's passing up the opportunity to meet new people like you're doing? Keep the playing field level. He's the one if he proves himself to be the one. He just can't come up jaw-jacking and you buying everything like its 100% genuine off the rip. I'm not saying not to trust but I'm just saying let's give the time for truth to verify words.

I have a few guy friends and I can tell when they are really into a woman, when she is convenient sexually, or if they feel this woman has some future potential in their lives. I've seen one of my friends, deemed not corporate enough for his girlfriend, try to climb the corporate ladder which he hates. I've seen men who are down to their last, take a girl out as if he's unaware this was his last $100 dollars till pay day. I've also seen men describe women they might have talked to who were totally fake, easy to sleep with, or was truly about nothing from opening conversation alone. We're not the only one's with a radar. So why do we think men are not capable of expressing their interest and disinterest?

No one is that busy (on a regular basis) that they can't call you unless they don't want to talk to you.

Shoot, I had a guy trying to spend time with me so badly that he woke me up once at 7am in the morning asking me if he could go to church with me.

Ladies I ask you: are men reading books by the millions about how to find a girlfriend/wife? How to keep a girlfriend? How to be a great husband? How to be a wonderful boyfriend?

Truth Hurts but Truth is Beautiful.  I revisit it often. I admit I have had and will have my ups and downs but I do take things at face value and I deal with the truth. 


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    • savvydating profile image


      3 years ago

      Yep, sometimes we have to dole out a little tough love in our relationship articles. And you are so right---if he likes you, he'll let you know in a thousand ways---well, maybe hundreds, but who's counting. Wonderful article. The worst thing a woman can do is make excuses for a man. The only thing I would guard against is jumping to conclusions and cutting him off altogether. Let him explain himself, and then make a determination from there. If his excuse is lame, time to move on. Up & useful.

    • ologsinquito profile image


      4 years ago from USA

      Very good advice. If a man likes you, he makes it known, almost to the point of pestering you. However, if you have to wonder, he obviously doesn't care as much as you'd like him to.

    • Rosalinem profile image


      6 years ago from Nairobi, Kenya

      Realtalk I liked this hub very much, it teaches a woman to value herself and be who she is without being afraid of pleasing a guy just to be with someone.


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