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Hope for PAS Victims
Parental Alienation Syndrome PAS Support
Suffering from Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)? Find hope and ways to cope. Learn ways to protect yourself and benefit from the support of others who've been there. Few people who aren't victims of parent alienation are even aware of what it IS! This can make the heartache and pain even worse, when family members and even counselors, etc. just do not GET it.
Reach out to the networks provided on this page and sources of information that hopefully will smooth your path toward resolution and recovery. It's a rough road, so bless you on your journey. Hang in there and have courage. Sending virtual (hugs) and strength to make the right decisions for your children and to be resilient and persistent during difficult times.
Parental alienation is a complicated issue. Take the time to be very clear about what PAS means.
Actions that May Help Fight PAS
Alleviate the Effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome
1) Maintain Personal Boundaries. Make your own personal emotional and physical boundaries clear to protect against the influences of the alienating parent. If phone calls tend to get ugly and upset you, then why continue talking with this person over the phone when it obviously is not constructive? Requesting phone calls ONLY in the case of an emergency is a very reasonable boundary. Do not attempt to appease, this would be impossible given that the alienating parent is driven by a desire to destroy the targeted parent.
2) Focus on YOU! Remember that we cannot change others, but we CAN change the ways we respond to them. Focus on altering your own behavior and not that other parent. To do otherwise is to just waste your energy, and you need it. For example, if you begin to ignore phone calls from the alienating parent, that in itself is a message and will guard you from negatives influence.
By making changes in how you respond and react, this in turn will have a direct impact on the alienating parent. For example, if you limit contact and do not respond to threats and criticisms, this limits the power the alienating parent will have.
3) Stop feeling intimidated by the alienating parent. This is critical, since they get their power from frightening, threatening and intimidating you. Do NOT give them this power. Practice responding in an aloof and calm way. End the conversation if it becomes too much for you, but do NOT show fear or rage or any other signs of intimidation. Express your feelings of intimidation and anxiety to a close friend or counselor, ANYONE but the alienating parent. It is OK and quite normal to HAVE such feelings, but be very careful in how you express them.
4) Strive to be PROACTIVE rather than REACTIVE to the behavior of the alienated parent. Many targeted parents exhaust themselves trying to reason with and convince the alienating parent, to explain that what they are doing is harmful and unfair to the children. This is a complete waste of time. Stop. It actually can makes things worse because it provides more opportunities for them to create conflict.
Do not attempt to negotiate. Alienating parents are not interested in negotiating because they will not listen to nor consider anything that deviates from their own agenda. Likewise to not attempt mediation. The process of mediation can only work if the parties involved enter into the process in good faith and with the purpose of finding a mutually agreeable solution based on compromise. Parents who alienate are not in the least interested in compromise anymore than they are interested in negotiations.
Waiting for things to get better on their own? Waiting for the alienating parent to get over his or her upset or to become more reasonable, or waiting for the children to come around on their own would be like waiting for snow in the Sahara desert. Won't happen.
5) Keep Being a Good Parent. Do not give in to pressures to overlook poor or inappropriate behavior in your child. Be loving, consistent and firm in your words, actions and expectations. Be available to your child and actively listen to them when they want to talk.
Divorce Poison: PAS Support - Written by one who has been there and knows all about the horrors of PAS and child custody disputes.
Of the many books available on the subject of Parent Alienation, this one is MOST highly recommended by this author.
Not only does this book cut to the chase about PAS, but also includes specific action steps for targeted parents to take to protect themselves and fight against the madness. Much needed information.
Many parents want to take ACTION, yet it is so hard to know exactly what to DO. This book is a big help there.
Legal Help for PAS Issues - Reach out in as many ways as you can to find legal assistance to support you with PAS.
At the link below, you will find a list of experts & professionals with regard to parent alienation. Consider contacting one of them to support you through the family courts.
Can't afford a lawyer and need legal advice? Many can't. Search Legal Aid and also search for attorneys in your city who are not-for-profit and may be willing to represent you on a sliding scale fee based on income.
Here's another option right on your computer...need an answer right away to a specific legal question? Ask Family Lawyers Now. Now I've no idea whether these lawyers have any training or experience specifically about parent alienation, so you might ask that question first. Regardless of other training and experience, I'm not convinced that any lawyer without knowledge about parent alienation would be able to help you. Still it might be worth a try as one affordable option.
"...PAS is a serious, misunderstood and often an unrecognizable form of mental and emotional child abuse...Child abuse casts a shadow that lasts a lifetime."— - SpLiT n TwO
Get PAS Support at "Split in Two"
Parent Alienation Support Organization
SplitnTwo is an excellent organization - great resource for information or support about parent alienation.
Here's an introduction from their website:
"SplitnTwo.com is a place for families and professionals to learn about the devastating effects of Parental Alienation. SpLiT n TwO believes parental alienation is a serious, misunderstood and often an unrecognizable form of mental and emotional child abuse. We are dedicated to assisting the victims of Parental Alienation. For the sake of the children, we strive to open the hearts and minds, around the world. Child abuse casts a shadow that last a life time."
Never give up hope. Believe in a future of love with your child.
Given you are aware of the controversies and complications surrounding PAS, then you already know that there are no simple answers. That does NOT mean there's nothing you can do. We can't change the world, but we CAN change the ways we respond to it and we can learn from others to deal with such sickness with dignity and integrity. So hang in there and focus on at least a few of the strategies on this page. Bless you.
Only a few years ago,one mom wondered if she'd ever see her sons again. Yet the situation has improved... She says...
"My sons are in college now and I finally enjoy contact with both of them. Not that I get to see them near as often as I'd like and I'll never get those lost years back, but things are better, thank God, and I'll take it. I can only pray that as they mature they will somehow begin to understand what happened, and I suspect this journey has already started - that they both have begun to put pieces together about what is really true. I know my sons are simply way too smart to buy such BS for long. Having faith in that helps, trusting the power of genuine love over such negative mind games."
Order in the Court - Victory for PAS - Judge Finds Mom Guilty of Intentional Parental Alienation
Encouraging news! Hope for victims of PAS! Alienating parent in New York found guilty and sentenced to jail.
- Judge Finds Alienating Parent Guilty
Check out this article from the Washington Post about a mom who alienated dad and was found guilty, very very guilty.
PAS Resources for Parents
PAS Online Forums & Support Groups - Don't go through PAS alone. Find support.
You might be surprised to find how much is published online about PAS and the numbers of forums and support groups that exist specifically for parents alienated from their own children due to high conflict divorce. I know I was.
Links will be posted here as I find them. Some are quite active while others have had no recent posts. There are some Yahoo Groups that are open forums for families suffering from the despair of PAS. I believe one is called Guardian Angels.
Song Lyrics about Parent Alienation
by Kimberly M. Griswold, copyright of PaisleyBrooks, LLC
Singer & songwriter Kimberly Griswold has created music about parent alienation that conveys the anguish of this affliction in a way like no other. The lyrics below to her song entitled "My Only Mistake" particularly resonated with me.
"MY ONLY MISTAKE WAS DECEIVING MYSELF BY BELIEVING HIM
HE SWEPT ME OFF OF MY FEET, YEAH, I DIDN'T SEE HIM PUSHING ME DOWN...
You can listen to this and other songs by Kimberly Griswold at the link below. I've yet to find any of her music published elsewhere (?) and am curious about that. The link below has lyrics and allows mp3 downloads.