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Hope for PAS Victims

Updated on November 9, 2014

Parental Alienation Syndrome PAS Support

Suffering from Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)? Find hope and ways to cope. Learn ways to protect yourself and benefit from the support of others who've been there. Few people who aren't victims of parent alienation are even aware of what it IS! This can make the heartache and pain even worse, when family members and even counselors, etc. just do not GET it.

Reach out to the networks provided on this page and sources of information that hopefully will smooth your path toward resolution and recovery. It's a rough road, so bless you on your journey. Hang in there and have courage. Sending virtual (hugs) and strength to make the right decisions for your children and to be resilient and persistent during difficult times.

Parental alienation is a complicated issue. Take the time to be very clear about what PAS means.

Actions that May Help Fight PAS

Alleviate the Effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome

1) Maintain Personal Boundaries. Make your own personal emotional and physical boundaries clear to protect against the influences of the alienating parent. If phone calls tend to get ugly and upset you, then why continue talking with this person over the phone when it obviously is not constructive? Requesting phone calls ONLY in the case of an emergency is a very reasonable boundary. Do not attempt to appease, this would be impossible given that the alienating parent is driven by a desire to destroy the targeted parent.

2) Focus on YOU! Remember that we cannot change others, but we CAN change the ways we respond to them. Focus on altering your own behavior and not that other parent. To do otherwise is to just waste your energy, and you need it. For example, if you begin to ignore phone calls from the alienating parent, that in itself is a message and will guard you from negatives influence.

By making changes in how you respond and react, this in turn will have a direct impact on the alienating parent. For example, if you limit contact and do not respond to threats and criticisms, this limits the power the alienating parent will have.

3) Stop feeling intimidated by the alienating parent. This is critical, since they get their power from frightening, threatening and intimidating you. Do NOT give them this power. Practice responding in an aloof and calm way. End the conversation if it becomes too much for you, but do NOT show fear or rage or any other signs of intimidation. Express your feelings of intimidation and anxiety to a close friend or counselor, ANYONE but the alienating parent. It is OK and quite normal to HAVE such feelings, but be very careful in how you express them.

4) Strive to be PROACTIVE rather than REACTIVE to the behavior of the alienated parent. Many targeted parents exhaust themselves trying to reason with and convince the alienating parent, to explain that what they are doing is harmful and unfair to the children. This is a complete waste of time. Stop. It actually can makes things worse because it provides more opportunities for them to create conflict.

Do not attempt to negotiate. Alienating parents are not interested in negotiating because they will not listen to nor consider anything that deviates from their own agenda. Likewise to not attempt mediation. The process of mediation can only work if the parties involved enter into the process in good faith and with the purpose of finding a mutually agreeable solution based on compromise. Parents who alienate are not in the least interested in compromise anymore than they are interested in negotiations.

Waiting for things to get better on their own? Waiting for the alienating parent to get over his or her upset or to become more reasonable, or waiting for the children to come around on their own would be like waiting for snow in the Sahara desert. Won't happen.

5) Keep Being a Good Parent. Do not give in to pressures to overlook poor or inappropriate behavior in your child. Be loving, consistent and firm in your words, actions and expectations. Be available to your child and actively listen to them when they want to talk.

Divorce Poison: PAS Support - Written by one who has been there and knows all about the horrors of PAS and child custody disputes.

Of the many books available on the subject of Parent Alienation, this one is MOST highly recommended by this author.

Not only does this book cut to the chase about PAS, but also includes specific action steps for targeted parents to take to protect themselves and fight against the madness. Much needed information.

Many parents want to take ACTION, yet it is so hard to know exactly what to DO. This book is a big help there.

Legal Help for PAS Issues - Reach out in as many ways as you can to find legal assistance to support you with PAS.

At the link below, you will find a list of experts & professionals with regard to parent alienation. Consider contacting one of them to support you through the family courts.

Experts & Professionals - Parent Alienation

Can't afford a lawyer and need legal advice? Many can't. Search Legal Aid and also search for attorneys in your city who are not-for-profit and may be willing to represent you on a sliding scale fee based on income.

Here's another option right on your computer...need an answer right away to a specific legal question? Ask Family Lawyers Now. Now I've no idea whether these lawyers have any training or experience specifically about parent alienation, so you might ask that question first. Regardless of other training and experience, I'm not convinced that any lawyer without knowledge about parent alienation would be able to help you. Still it might be worth a try as one affordable option.

"...PAS is a serious, misunderstood and often an unrecognizable form of mental and emotional child abuse...Child abuse casts a shadow that lasts a lifetime."

— - SpLiT n TwO

Get PAS Support at "Split in Two"

Parent Alienation Support Organization

SplitnTwo is an excellent organization - great resource for information or support about parent alienation.

Here's an introduction from their website:

"SplitnTwo.com is a place for families and professionals to learn about the devastating effects of Parental Alienation. SpLiT n TwO believes parental alienation is a serious, misunderstood and often an unrecognizable form of mental and emotional child abuse. We are dedicated to assisting the victims of Parental Alienation. For the sake of the children, we strive to open the hearts and minds, around the world. Child abuse casts a shadow that last a life time."

Stand UP to PAS!
Stand UP to PAS!

PAS Intervention

Never give up hope. Believe in a future of love with your child.

Given you are aware of the controversies and complications surrounding PAS, then you already know that there are no simple answers. That does NOT mean there's nothing you can do. We can't change the world, but we CAN change the ways we respond to it and we can learn from others to deal with such sickness with dignity and integrity. So hang in there and focus on at least a few of the strategies on this page. Bless you.

Only a few years ago,one mom wondered if she'd ever see her sons again. Yet the situation has improved... She says...


"My sons are in college now and I finally enjoy contact with both of them. Not that I get to see them near as often as I'd like and I'll never get those lost years back, but things are better, thank God, and I'll take it. I can only pray that as they mature they will somehow begin to understand what happened, and I suspect this journey has already started - that they both have begun to put pieces together about what is really true. I know my sons are simply way too smart to buy such BS for long. Having faith in that helps, trusting the power of genuine love over such negative mind games."

Order in the Court - Victory for PAS - Judge Finds Mom Guilty of Intentional Parental Alienation

Encouraging news! Hope for victims of PAS! Alienating parent in New York found guilty and sentenced to jail.

PAS Resources for Parents

PAS Online Forums & Support Groups - Don't go through PAS alone. Find support.

You might be surprised to find how much is published online about PAS and the numbers of forums and support groups that exist specifically for parents alienated from their own children due to high conflict divorce. I know I was.

Links will be posted here as I find them. Some are quite active while others have had no recent posts. There are some Yahoo Groups that are open forums for families suffering from the despair of PAS. I believe one is called Guardian Angels.

Song Lyrics about Parent Alienation

by Kimberly M. Griswold, copyright of PaisleyBrooks, LLC

Singer & songwriter Kimberly Griswold has created music about parent alienation that conveys the anguish of this affliction in a way like no other. The lyrics below to her song entitled "My Only Mistake" particularly resonated with me.

"MY ONLY MISTAKE WAS DECEIVING MYSELF BY BELIEVING HIM

HE SWEPT ME OFF OF MY FEET, YEAH, I DIDN'T SEE HIM PUSHING ME DOWN...

You can listen to this and other songs by Kimberly Griswold at the link below. I've yet to find any of her music published elsewhere (?) and am curious about that. The link below has lyrics and allows mp3 downloads.

Music by Kimberly Griswold

PAS Support Guestbook - Please let me know you were here with a comment. THANKS!

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    • CrossCreations profile image
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      Carolan Ross 3 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      @glittlefield: I feel your pain. SO sorry this is happening. Your anger and hurt is understandable, it unfortunately just adds fuel to the fire of abusive behaviors. Many actually ENJOY when they can 'get your goat' and will try hard to anger you. In the end, all that anger energy is either wasted or results in worse results. Better to vent to a close friend and remain aloof around your kids' dad.

    • profile image

      glittlefield 3 years ago

      Did you get my post?

    • profile image

      glittlefield 3 years ago

      Mine is a story after the kids were raised. Looking back I see what he did while they were growing up even tho they were in my custody. I always thought I raised them right and they'd see it. Well they didn't have a relationship with their dad that had any substance to it. I bought a car from my 3 kids to give their dad so they would have something to build a relationship with. We all moved to the SW. They married and had grandchildren. Their 1/2 brother and sister moved sw also so he has stopped to visit our kids often. About that time my son started telling lies about me and turned his back on me and his stepfather. He eventually thro us out of his home ( because his girlfriend said I didn't talk to him) ?? I babysat my grandson all day and my son worked 12 hrs a day I didn't hardly see him. Them came a lie that he gave me 100,000 dollars and I caused him bk. never happened. He never had that kind of money . Really? I got very depressed as his girlfriend told me off constantly and told me things all 3 of my grown children were saying about me. I blew. I said things I shouldn't. I defended myself when I shouldn't. My daughter wanted me to go to counseling and the words out of her mouth were her fathers ! I was pissed. I walked out. He's lied to them for yrs. they used to come home from visitation scared to death of me. Now I am not able to see my daughter or her family. Her dad had just been at her house before I arrived I was moving near her to be close to family. I was gone in a week. She's called me a liar dillussional and all kinds of things. She won't talk to me and it's been 8 -9 mths. I have never lied to her. My middle daughter who gets overlooked for a dad's visit is in touch with me but I feel her upset about me and her brother and sister. I look at pictures and read letters because I do not believe this is happening. I was there when every grandchild was born except this last one that I haven't met. I couldn't come because dad was going to be there. I didn't go but dad didn't show either. 2 weeks later I asked again to meet the baby again told no because dad was coming. He never showed again. 3rd time I got the same treatment and told no. My son invited me to his wedding. I went. Never told color or any details. His father walked him down the aisle and they both gave me the worst look. I was stunned. This father didn't come to but 1 function and called our son 1 a yr because it hurt him to bad. I used to talk with him and convince him to call or check on our son when he was in college and got nothing. After the first gave birth he guilt tripped her because he wasn't there and I was. That happened with all the grand babies 5 and then the 6th I never met. I blew up at my son for mistreating me and haven't heard from him since. I told his dad where to go. Now I am on the outside and am sure I proved him right with my frustration! I really need advice. There is so much I can see but can't talk to the kids let alone share this. We are talking 33,36,38 yr olds with small children. All of the babies I was close to. I am depressed as hell.

    • CrossCreations profile image
      Author

      Carolan Ross 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      @Millionairemomma: thanks so much!

    • CrossCreations profile image
      Author

      Carolan Ross 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      @anonymous: Yes, mere words cannot adequately describe such utter shock and the anguish and deep pain of PAS. Thanks so much for this comment and do not give in to hopelessness even though I realize that is difficult. To give in only gives the abusive person more power over you and your kids.

    • Millionairemomma profile image

      Millionairemomma 5 years ago

      Another amazing lens in PAS.

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      @anonymous: Words can't even cover the hopelessness and powerlessness of this type of circumstance. I'm in an alarmingly similar one....I only yesterday found out that PAS is a real thing, and that what I've been dealing with for years has a name, and the terrifying realization that this is actually what's happening....AND that my two boys actually believe him given all they've experienced and seen throughout their lifetime. I am panicked and heartsick, and I know with absolution how you're feeling. Prayers and a hope for peace and victory.... I'm sending lots of that to you.

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      I cannot believe this is happening to me. I allowed him to keep controlling me after 4 years being divorced. He has my two daughters ages 13 and 17, and they call me a liar, tell me to stop harrassing them, say I abandonded them, when I was afraid to go pick them up. I was very depressed in my marriage and he took everything, being the worse my girls wrote declarations to the judge stating they don't want to be near me anymore. I was the one who worked full time and had the benefits for the family and I became depressed and made bad choices. He had the strong attorney and the big family behind him. All along after our divorce he had his plan in place to destroy me. I go to court in two days against my ex husband who masters the art of manipulation. This time, I have a very strong attorney, he is representing himself. But, my daughters have declarations that they don't want visitation with me, and they say they never want to stay with me again. I have written pages and pages of memories of verbal and physical abuse, when I read them over they sound weak. I made bad choices in my 16 year marriage with a complete manipulator who barely worked and wanted my money, and my mother is very wealthy. My daughters bring up events that happened in the past, because I never was brave enough to explain, or any time I tried to explain, they would interrupt, and not listen. Now, I am going to lose them and I am dying inside. I need advice please..

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      Traceeshobbies 6 years ago

      I don't agree at all on how to basically ignore the alienating parent. This does not work they will just call the police or the courts and accuse you of something, anything they can think of and if you refuse to speak with them they will keep your children from you. The mess just gets bigger!

    • profile image

      LetLoveBe 6 years ago

    • profile image

      LetLoveBe 6 years ago

    • profile image

      LetLoveBe 6 years ago

      Thank you so much for this. It was parental alienation that drove me to speak out on mental abuse on the Internet. I had continued to be controlled by him out of fear of him taking my daughter from me (he had been somewhat divisive even in our marriage), but now he's done the worst, and I am no longer afraid. I followed your advice on your other lens on this subject and asked our librarian to add Parendectomy to our library. I have started a blog to my daughter & I have sent the link to one of her friends. I plan to upload a slideshow of pictures to YouTube. The Internet is really my only option for communicating my love to her--thank you for the ideas.

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