- Gender and Relationships
How Working on Attachment Style Can Improve Your Romantic Relationship?
The Key to a Happy Love Relationship
Being trustworthy, reliable, supportive and of loving nature is a substantial basis for a healthy and happy romantic relationship. In such case, there will be no place for insecure attachment style in a relationship.
Attachment theory research has discovered that insecurities are the leading reason for broken down relationships.
Speaking About Insecurities in Relationships
We have four attachment styles in adult relationships. The first one is a secure attachment style.
Please do not confuse secure attachment style with self-confidence. When you are secure in relationships, it does not straight away mean that you are self-confident. On the other hand, not all people with high self-esteem do have secure attachment style.
Except of the secure attachment style, we have anxious (preocupied), avoidant (dismissing) and fearful-avoidant types of personalities. Those last three ones belong to insecure styles in relationships. Please watch also the informative videos linked to this article - see below.
We are seldom 100% anxious, avoidant, or secure. We may act, most of the time, in a secure way and have, from time to time, moments of insecurity. The point here is about learning, how to avoid insecure strategies in our lives, and about, how to act more often in a secure style.
Ask yourself in a triggering, insecure moment, “How would a secure person react in such situation?” When you know the answer – this series of my articles would help you to find the answer – use the knowledge and act in a secure manner as often as possible. You will see radical improvement in all your relationships, not only in romantic connections.
Why are These Romantic Attachment Styles so Important?
They are so significant because they determine how people in relationships
- behave and respond in conflict situations
- communicate their needs
- react to intimacy
- see their sex-life
- are able to express their wishes
What is Your Partner’s Attachment Style? See the Test Below
It is not always easy to determine. Our attachment styles are not fixed forever. We all are able to change, and we are unconsciously changing from time to time. We can also purposefully change our attachment style. For example, we know that we are avoidant. We also know that having a secure attachment style in a relationship is beneficial. Knowing the problem, can help us to learn how to work things out, and how to respond in a secure way.
While you are thinking about your partner, or potential partner, read the sentences in the following test, and answer if they are true, sometimes true, or false. Check the desired box and go to the next sentence. At the end of each section a result will be displayed. It is important to go through all sections A, B, and C. The quiz will take around 15 minutes of your time.
Find out Your Own Attachment Style - Use the Following Link
A high quality and free test online is to find on HubPages. This link brings you directly to the test. After finishing it, scrolling down the results, you will find the detailed information about your own attachment style.
And What is Your Own Attachment Style?
Do you want to know your own attachment style? It is always a smart idea to understand if we behave in our relationships rather correctly, or if we need to change ‘the course of our journey’ and improve ourselves to make the life of our partner easier and happier.
Knowing where you stand is the first step to find out a solution for your relationship, or for your future relationship..
Relationship Style Questionnaire - Quiz A
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Adult Attachment Test - Quiz B
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Free Relationship Test - Quiz C
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Secure Attachment Style
- Enjoys intimacy.
- No worries about relationships.
- Is not easily upset.
- Knows how to communicate his/her wants and feelings.
- Shares problems with his/her partner.
- Is able to reach a compromise.
- Is there for his/her partner in times of need.
- Is genuine.
Find out your Attachment Style in a Book
The Result of the Test
- In quiz C your score is 78 %. Your partner does have probably a secure attachment style,
- In quiz B your score is 25 %. Your partner probably does not have an anxious attachment style.
- In quiz A your score is15%. Your partner probably does not have an avoidant attachment style.
Generally it means that your partner’s attachment style, in this example, is secure; however, there may be some insecurities in his/her life, and that he/she may sometimes appear insecure (see the results in A und B).
Your partner’s result may be different from my example. He/she might be most of the time avoidant (the highest score in quiz A), anxious (the highest score in the quiz B), or fearful avoidant (more or less even high scores in quizzes A and B and low score in quiz C).
Knowing your partner’s problem, and studying more information about this topic, you can help your partner and yourself to increase and maintain his/her secure frame of mind. Because, everybody of us does have deep in our heart a secure attachment style. We have only to believe in us and allow us to act in a secure way.
Anxious Attachment Style
Craves lots of closeness to their partner.
Fears that their partner don’t want as much intimacy as they want.
Thinks a lot and worries about their relationship.
Very sensitive to their partner’s moods and actions.
Takes partner’s activity too personally.
Is easily upset.
Says statements that are hurtful, later regrets doing so.
Unable to communicate effectively.
Able to produce lots of acting out and drama.
Couples with Secure Attachment Style in Love Relationships
We know now, after we have finished the quizzes, where everybody stands. This is our initial situation. Please never forget that nobody is perfect and that we can change, we can learn from the secure partners the secure way of life.
Even when you and your partner have the secure attachment style, you won’t live a totally peaceful live. There will be conflicts between both of you.
The difference between secure and insecure partners is that, the secure partners are able to work out a solution much easier because
- they stay focused on the problem,
- they would not generalize it,
- they would not ignore their partners well-being and needs,
- and they actually communicate their own feelings and wants.
Secure couples, where both partners are secure, or where one partner is secure and the other one is either avoidant, anxious, or fearful avoidant, are able to have fewer conflicts and form stable and more satisfying relationships than those where both partners are insecure.
Avoidant Attachment Style
The independence is most important for them.
Prefers having lose relationships to committed ones.
Wants to be close but feels agitated when is close.
Is not worried about relationships and rejections.
Is emotionally distant.
Hates any signs of control by their partner.
Devalues their partners.
Has high, unrealistic imagination about relationships.
Fears that their partner will take advantage of them.
What a Secure Partner Won’t Do?
- They won’t make you feel bad.
- They won’t make negative remarks about you.
- They won’t act hostile towards you.
- They won’t make you feel jealous.
- They won’t withdraw, act busy, stop talking to you.
- They won’t run or turn away from you.
- They won’t manipulate you.
- They won’t avoid physical contact.
- They won’t belittle you.
- They won’t ignore you.
- They won’t threaten to leave.
- They won’t worry that you’ll leave them.
- They won’t be concerned that once you know them you won’t like them.
- They won’t worry that you might become involved with someone else.
- They won’t say that their independence or freedom is more valuable than you.
- They won’t say, “I won’t share my feelings with you.”
- They won’t have difficulties being dependable on you.
- They won’t be too sensitive to your moods.
- They won’t be nervous getting close to you.
- They won’t worry that they aren’t attractive enough.
- They won’t calculate, “I’ve already done this twice, now is your turn.”
- They won’t say, “I’ve waited for you x hours to call me, now I let you wait x hours.”
- They won’t suspect you’ll stop loving them.
Emotions Which Are Unfamiliar to People with Secure Attachment Style
- Angry about partner
Learn From Secure Partners How to Avoid the Insecure Trapp in Daily Life
- Effectively communicate your needs and feelings.
- Feel the responsibility for the well-being of your partner.
- Be able to forgive your partner's wrongdoing.
- Treat your partner always like a celebrity, with respect and love.
- Be comfortable when depending on your partner.
- Be positive towards your partner.
- Be honest, wear your heart on your sleeve.
- Believe that your loved one is dependable and honest.
- Know, when there is a fight with your partner, there is no need directly to question the whole relationship.
- Make decisions together with your partner.
- Be reliable and consistent.
- During arguments, stay focused on the problem.
- Try to understand what truly bothers your partner.
- Understand that more significant is to solve the problem and not to find out who is right and who is wrong.
- Be flexible in a problem solutions and open to different agreements.
- Be available to your partner.
- Tell your partner often that you love him/her.
- Tell your partner when something bothers you, and do not let them guess.
- Reassure your partner and be there for them in difficult situations.
- Be happy to introduce your partner to your friends and family.
- Make your partner feel comfortable being with you.
- Support emotionally your partner when he/she feels down.
What a Secure Partner Won’t Say or Think?
I’m afraid you are getting tired of my calls/emails/visits.
I didn’t do well with your family today, now they won’t like me at all.
You don’t love me anymore.
What do you always want from me? I didn’t do anything!
All women/men want this and this.
You know what? Forget it! I don’t want to talk with you about it!
My ex was so wonderful, and I don’t know if I ever will be able to feel like that again.
My work takes my whole strength and time. There is not much room for a serious relationship in my life.
I feel trapped in this relationship.
How often do I have to say that I’m sorry?
I’ve never had a stable relationship.
I’m totally preoccupied with our relationship.
You’re too needy/sensitive.
Stop always analyzing all/each thing/everything!
Where can I find such a perfect partner like him/her? This is impossible!
I fear that I’ll end up alone.
My girlfriend hasn’t texted me back! Maybe she is angry with me?
If she doesn’t answer, I won’t call her either!
I’ll be much better without you than with you! I can’t do this anymore.
Marriage is a prison.
I’m not ready to commit.
You can only count on yourself.
I know she is leaving me.
I knew that it was too good to be true.
I knew marriage wasn’t for me.
Help! He is taking over my life!
He just wants to make me angry!
If she were “the one,” this nonsense wouldn’t happen.
Attachment Styles Explained
Another Aspect of Attachments Styles - Health
Sources and Disclaimer
Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A. (2010) Attached ,The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love Penguin Group (Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin)
Mario Mikulincer, Ph.D., Philip R. Shaver, Ph.D., (2007) Attachment in Adulthood, Structure, Dynamics, and Change The Guilford Press
Judith Feeney and Patricia Noller (1996) Adult Attachment SAGE Publications, Inc.
Patricia McKinsey Crittenden, Ph.D., Andrea Landini, M.D., (2011) Assessing Adult Attachment: A Dynamic - Maturational Approach to Discourse Analysis W. W. Norton & Company
Disclaimer: The author does not have any liability for any injury or damage that may result from the use of any advice contained in this article.The instruction and advice are in no way intended as substitutes for any medical or psychological consulting.