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How To Improve Intimacy In Your Relationship and Lack of Desire

Updated on November 19, 2013

Tips on improving intimacy in your marriage

Are you struggling in your marriage, possibly have lost that connection with your spouse that you once had?

You are not alone, many couples will experience this in their marriage, but the ones who stay together are also the ones who understand that marriage takes work. Once married, couples have to continue to not only work on the marriage but keep their sex life from getting boring. As humans we many think that once we marry the sex is automatically just going to get better on it's own, that could be further from the truth.

The biggest sexual organ in the body is the brain, and often times once our brain gets board with the sex, lack of desire sets in.

As a clinical sexologist and marriage counselor I call this "situational lack of desire" and it is one of the major complaints that couples have after years of boring sex.

Situational Lack of Desire

This is a growing epidemic in many marriages and one of the main reasons for cheating, and or divorce. A spouse may still have desire but just not for their spouse. For women this often happens in a marriage where they are not able to climax during love making. When a woman is not climaxing with her partner she is also not releasing oxytocin a powerful hormone that creates bonding and feelings of closeness. The other problem is frustration at not being able to release leaving her unsatisfied, and not motivated to want to have sex very often. Thus causing situational lack of desire.

Men experience this in other ways, for some men the sex is no longer exciting or their wives are not willing to engage in oral pleasure or other positions. Another problem is that some men feel that they are not able to please their wives because of their own sexual problems or their inability to give their wives pleasure. All of this can lead to performance anxiety and situational lack of desire.

How To Increase The Intimacy

Fix the situational lack of desire

Traditional marriage counseling is not the answer to fixing sexual issues in a relationship, the best help to seek is a clinical sexologist and relationship counselor. A certified clinical sexologist can identify both physical and psychological problems in a couples sex life and give solution based counseling to fix the problem. Teaching the couple how to open the lines of communication surrounding intimacy as well as educate the couple. Most people don't know their own bodies well enough to show their partner how to turn them on.

Often times when I counsel couples I explain to them about sexual function. For most women it takes 20 to 30 minutes to reach climax. Only about 30 percent of women can climax through intercourse alone. Another fact that many women and men do not know is that a woman's vulva grows in length to accommodate a man and if not given the time to adjust and having intercourse to quickly it can lead to painful sex as well as chronic bladder infections.

For men as they age and their testosterone levels decrease, they many find that during a sexual encounter their penis may become erect and then lose it, this is normal. The problem begins when a man starts to stress about this thus creating performance anxiety. This cycle can lead to situational lack of desire.

Sexual Enhancement Products For Couples

One of the suggestions that I give to couples to spice up their sex life is to invest in intimacy products that are fun, help to create a connection and feel good.

Intimacy Counseling

Are you lacking desire in your marriage? Are you having issues with your sex life? I can help with counseling, home assignments and an understanding of why this is happening in your relationship and how to make it better.

Steps to take to improve intimacy

Get back your sex drive

When fixing the intimacy in the marriage, your are also fixing the issues of situational lack of desire. On a side note for both men and women if your lack of desire is across the board meaning you have no desire at all for anyone or anything than it is my advice to go to a medical doctor and have your hormones checked.

When a couple can make time for the intimate part of the marriage and schedule date night and home assignments then the spark that was once there can be reignited. When working on creating more intimacy take turns setting up the room for one another making your time to please your spouse sexy and sensual. Taking turns to create the spark again is the first step in connecting back with your partner making it a priority to make that person feel loved, special and sexy.

Explore each others bodies and minds, as we grow older both change and we may not always know our spouse like we used to. Reconnect with each other on a new level, taking the time to touch sensually, finding new erotic zones. The best part about rebuilding the intimacy in the marriage is that that once you connect on a deeper level this way many of the other petty arguments in the marriage seem to go away.

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