- Gender and Relationships
How to Meet The Love of Your Life
I had a hard time finding "The One"
But now that I finally found the right guy for me it feels so much simpler. Because it could never have been anyone but him.
But back when I was single, it felt hopeless. Seriously hopeless. I reached a point where I didn't think I would ever fulfill my dream of getting married and starting a family. I've wanted to do that for as long as I can remember and yet I didn't manage to find the right guy in my entire twenties. Why is it so difficult?
Well, I realize now that I had some growing and exploring to do. It can help to make dating mistakes in your twenties because you're trying to figure out exactly what you need in a partner to be happy with them for sixty years or more.
People like to say that love will find you when you're not looking.
I hate that. I know how irritating it was to hear when I was single. How are you supposed to get something that you aren't putting in the effort to achieve? (Very American perspective!) Also, how do you not look? Like you're going along not looking and you see a cute guy and you think, maybe that's him! And all that "not looking" is wasted. It's hard to take advice that tells you to not do something instead of giving you steps to do something.
But on the other side of the coin all the people telling you that you have to put yourself out there more, join dating sites, agree to blind dates, put on makeup when you go to the grocery store, aren't helping either. To me, that path leads to frustration and desperation.
So what's my advice?
Cultivate yourself. Not to make you a better person or more worthy of finding love. You are already worthy of love, I'm sure of it. But you know how people say that confidence is attractive? That, I think, is the key. Not fake confidence, not ego driven pride.
Here's what I observed. I loosened my grip on that enormous desire to meet The One. Instead of putting all my energy and effort into finding the guy, I started putting my energy into things that I loved. I took dance classes that I'd been wanting to try since I was a kid. I started my own company. I wrote novels. I went to the movies alone to see chick flicks. I joined a D+D group.
I just did things that I was interested in without thinking first about whether I would be likely to meet a guy doing it. And you know what? That in itself made me attractive. People were drawn to my energy because I was enjoying life so much.
I don't think that you have to go out to meet the right person for you. I think it will find a way to come into your life when you're ready for it. And if you can believe that, it makes it a lot easier to stop hunting obsessively for it and slow down to enjoy life while you wait.
They say when the student is ready, the master appears. I think the same is true of your soul mate.
How did it happen for me?
I can't say that I wasn't looking. I had dated obsessively since I was 19, never being single for longer than a month or two and always during that time hunting down the next possibility. I didn't want to waste time and I didn't want to miss any potential One. Enough years of that and I was exhausted. It was like getting dizzy on a carousel that's moving too fast. At 28 I decided to take time off from dating to recenter myself. I said I would take a year off from dating. I was not entirely successful at that. In the first couple of months there were some dating opportunities I didn't want to miss, but when they didn't easily materialize into boyfriends, I didn't chase them down to pursue it. After a couple of months I settled into the no dating routine and it felt pretty freeing. I was still sad that I was alone and I still had that overwhelming fear that I would always be alone, that I was unlove-able, that no one wanted me. But it eased a little bit as I accepted where I was.
At the end of that year, I got asked out completely out of the blue by someone I knew from work.
Now you're thinking: So you weren't looking! And it just happened! See? See?
But he was not The One.
I came back to the world of dating. We had a tumultuous few weeks but were a really bad fit for each other. We didn't understand each other or communicate well and our priorities and what we were looking for were completely different. Yet he was a step in the right direction.
Where before my year of being single I probably would have forced our relationship to fit for way, way longer than I should have, not wanting to give up, this time I put myself and my feelings at top priority. I was frustrated with him and he was resisting any kind of commitment or exclusivity (not that I was even asking for that at this point!), so I looked around for someone else to go out with a few times to take my mind off it. I noticed a cute guy that a friend in my board game group had met at martial arts class. The new guy had come a few times to game group and had recently broken up with a girl. Why not? I thought. So I asked him out.
And completely unexpectedly, he turned out to be exactly the man I had been waiting for my entire life.
Romance is alive and well
Some Help - Books can give great advice on how to cultivate yourself
Even if you don't believe in "power of attraction" "the secret" etc., this book is still great for its gratefulness exercises. Gives you a calm and peaceful outlook on life.
This book is fiction, but the author actually did meet her husband after making a magical man list!
I enjoyed this book, even though I feel like I did not have to compromise one bit on the qualities I wanted in a mate!
I haven't read this one, but it looks promising!
It's not about being happy being single
I cried myself to sleep many nights that year I was single.
But I was not compromising myself anymore or hiding things that might be undesirable, which allowed the man who finds all my undesirable traits cute and endearing to find me. How could he when I was hiding my true nature?
You can date online for sure. Just do whatever you do with passion and confidence, know that you're worth it. That's the energy that will draw in the right person.
How can your soul mate find you if you're hiding who you really are?