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How To Pick Up Violent Girls

Updated on May 13, 2010

Suppose some night you are feeling tough. Suppose some night you feel like kicking butt.

Suppose some night you want to find someone who will kick butt with you, who will stand back-to-back with you, take on all comers and cleaning out bars and fighting sailors and marines and stevedors. And then who, later on, will stand front-to-front with you, taking you on, if you catch my drift.

What you need, my friend, is to get yourself a violent girl.

You are probably asking yourself, "Where am I going to find a violent girl? I thought they were all in homes, or worked as vice presidents of marketing."

That's not true. Violent girls are everywhere. You just have to know how to identify them.

How To Identify Violent Girls

You can tell if a girl is a violent girl if:

1. You ask her where the restrooms are and she shows you by throwing a knife into the restroom door.

2. You ask her who the hostess is and she shows you by throwing a knife into the hostess.

3. You ask her if she wants some dip, and she replies, "No, I've got Harold," and backhands her date across the room.

4. The waiter forgets her drink, and she decides to "teach him a lesson" by spot-welding his penis to the juke box.

5. When they see her coming, policemen move to the other side of the street.

It is not enough, however, to be able to tell who violent girls are. You also have to be able to get their attention.

How To Get A Violent Girl's Attention

Violent girls like it when you do things that are bigger-than-life, that are a little meaner, a little tougher, a little more insensitive than your run-of-the-mill guy would do. Violent girls know that:

1. Anyone can crush a beer can in one hand. What turns violent girls on is when you crush a Scotch bottle in one hand.

2. Anyone can put out a cigarette by mashing it against his forehead. What turns violent girls on is when you put out a woodburning stove by mashing it against your forehead.

3. Anyone can swallow a goldfish. What turns violent girls on is when you swallow a bartender (pinning back his ears and putting butter on his forehead is optional).

4. Anyone can open a beer bottle by using his teeth. What turns violent girls on is when you open a brewery by using your teeth.

5. Anyone can throw peanuts up in the air and catch them in his mouth. What turns violent girls on is when you throw waitresses up in the air and catch them in your mouth.

Photo courtesy of Rene Asmussen
Photo courtesy of Rene Asmussen


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    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 6 years ago

      .....holy crap is right Cheeky girl - lol lol lol - there seems to be a lot of girls out there to 'pick up' - violent ones, drunk ones, foreign ones but what I like to pick up on is your delicious tongue in cheek sense of humor and wit by composing all of this - or in another words - your writing is just so 'hubdeliciously' entertaining!

    • Myn Is Me profile image

      Myn Is Me 7 years ago

      There we go. Not quite physically violent but certainly prettier.

    • Myn Is Me profile image

      Myn Is Me 7 years ago

      i found it hard to find a royalty-free stock photo of a violent girl. i got the vampire vibe too. i better keep looking around until i find someone more violent and less willie giving!

    • Cheeky Girl profile image

      Cassandra Mantis 7 years ago from UK and Nerujenia

      Holy crap! I was laughing like anything till I saw the photo of the woman here. What happened to her? She out of that Vampire series on TV? Gives me the willies. Anyway, I loved reading your funny hub here! Cheers!