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How To Pick Up Virgins

Updated on February 24, 2012

Virginity is like the common cold. It doesn't kill people. It just makes them miserable. There are so many things you can't do around virgins.

What You Can't Do Around Virgins

Bear these things in mind when you are picking up a virgin. You will not be able to do them. You will not be able to:

1. Use the words "hard", "moist" or "personal lubricant".

2. Wear a t-shirt that shows guppies humping.

3. Put cream soda in your mouth and do an impersonation of an octopus having a climax.

4. Bet that she can't guess which leg it's resting against.

5. Put your hands on her breasts because you "want to guess their weight".

6. Use her knees to crack walnuts.

7. Close your eyes and taste her panties to see if you can determine their color.

That is a lot to ask a fellow to give up.

How To Make A Virgin Want To Be In Your Company

Suppose you are willing to give it all up to be with a virgin. What then? Well, to pick up a virgin, you have to make her feel comfortable. You have to make her feel that she has nothing to fear from you. You have to lie. Take it from a woman who was once a virgin.

To increase your chances: lying is good; the truth is bad.

The truth will make virgins hysterical. And some virgins carry guns, you know. There is nothing more dangerous than an armed, hysterical virgin. You can disarm a virgin with a little, innocent lie. You can say:

1. "Gee, I like being a priest."

2. "It's remarkable how much you remind me of Mom."

3. "I've never kissed a girl before."

4. "I hope you won't laugh when I tell you this, but I'm saving myself for marriage."

5. "Let's just be friends, okay?''

6. "I'd give anything to find a girl who thought sex was sacred, like I do."

7. "There's nothing I like more than getting into bed with a good book."

Image courtesy of Peter Gustafson
Image courtesy of Peter Gustafson

Have you ever picked up a Virgin?

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    • Cheeky Girl profile image

      Cassandra Mantis 7 years ago from UK and Nerujenia

      Yes, I shamefully admit it, and I don't care. It was worth every second of it. It didn't last long. But it was fun! Great hub!

    • Myn Is Me profile image

      Myn Is Me 7 years ago

      Everyone was a virgin once.

    • blake4d profile image

      Blake Ford Hall 7 years ago from Now Rising Out of Phoenix Arizona Earthlings

      Now is this written from having experience being or picking up virgins? And in either case OMG!!!