- Gender and Relationships»
- Advice & Tips for Men in Relationships
How To Pick Up Virgins
Virginity is like the common cold. It doesn't kill people. It just makes them miserable. There are so many things you can't do around virgins.
What You Can't Do Around Virgins
Bear these things in mind when you are picking up a virgin. You will not be able to do them. You will not be able to:
1. Use the words "hard", "moist" or "personal lubricant".
2. Wear a t-shirt that shows guppies humping.
3. Put cream soda in your mouth and do an impersonation of an octopus having a climax.
4. Bet that she can't guess which leg it's resting against.
5. Put your hands on her breasts because you "want to guess their weight".
6. Use her knees to crack walnuts.
7. Close your eyes and taste her panties to see if you can determine their color.
That is a lot to ask a fellow to give up.
How To Make A Virgin Want To Be In Your Company
Suppose you are willing to give it all up to be with a virgin. What then? Well, to pick up a virgin, you have to make her feel comfortable. You have to make her feel that she has nothing to fear from you. You have to lie. Take it from a woman who was once a virgin.
To increase your chances: lying is good; the truth is bad.
The truth will make virgins hysterical. And some virgins carry guns, you know. There is nothing more dangerous than an armed, hysterical virgin. You can disarm a virgin with a little, innocent lie. You can say:
1. "Gee, I like being a priest."
2. "It's remarkable how much you remind me of Mom."
3. "I've never kissed a girl before."
4. "I hope you won't laugh when I tell you this, but I'm saving myself for marriage."
5. "Let's just be friends, okay?''
6. "I'd give anything to find a girl who thought sex was sacred, like I do."
7. "There's nothing I like more than getting into bed with a good book."