ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

How Do I Tell My Wife I am Gay?

Updated on August 30, 2017
Dawn Michael PhD profile image

Dr. Dawn Michael is a relationship expert in private practice in Thousand Oaks California. She is a published author and public speaker.

Men who struggle with their sexuality

There are many men who struggle with how to tell their wife that they are gay......

These men are torn between two worlds, one is with a woman that they may still love and the other is keeping a terrible secret from her. The sad part about this situation is that the woman is also hurting in the relationship. She may be blaming herself not knowing why her husband is not attracted to her, thinking that there is something wrong with her.

This article is not only for men struggling with being gay but also for the women wo love them.

Are you a gay man that is living in a straight marriage

Are you keeping it a secret from your wife that you are gay?

See results
type=text
type=text

Am I gay?

Not all men realize that they are gay go into a marriage, they may understand that they feel different but not quite sure why.

Other men that know that they are gay and get married to a woman, have a family, may hope that they can push their feelings aside and lead a "normal" life, but over time most men become distant with their wives and family or end up cheating in the marriage. It is difficult to deny ones sexual preference that is not an easy thing to do; many times men will repress their sexual feelings so much so that they become numb and sexless, with a low libidos.

Some men become aggressive, drink, or do drugs blaming their wife for not pleasing them. Others turn to the "down low" having sex with men, then coming home and having sex with their wife.

type=text
type=text

How do I tell my wife that I am gay?

What are my options?

The first step is to be honest with yourself and seek help from a counselor or a support group. It is important to remember that coming out may end the marriage, but it may help keep a friendship or be amicable if children are involved. In some marriages couples do stay together and come up with their own arrangement. The lying, hiding and perhaps cheating will destroy all that are involved in the relationship.

The one fact remains, that by not being honest with your wife you are hurting her even more. She deserves to be told the truth so that she can decide what she wants to do.

type=text
type=text

Accepting Oneself

Understading that there is also gender confusion as well for some men.

Many times when a husband is gay or even gender confused and does not tell his wife he can resort to drug abuse, alcohol abuse and domestic violence. The end result of all this is at some point it is best to end the marriage rather than make everyone suffer. Acceptance for homosexuals, transsexuals and gender confusion in recent years have improved slightly but not nearly enough, there is still so much prejudice around being gay and this makes it difficult for a person to be themselves and to come out.

The more that gay people do come out and tell their story, it will inspire others to do the same. Not all men understand that they may not be gay but perhaps gender confused. Gender confusion is more complicated because the man himself may feel like a woman inside and still be sexually attracted to his wife, wondering if he really is straight or gay. Then there are some men who have come to understand that they are really a woman inside and are attracted to men. Understanding oneself, and then talking to a spouse about it is still the right things to do.

The more that people hide who they really are, the more pain it will bring to them and others that may truly love them. Fear of the unknown is not worth the pain of knowing and not doing anything to make it better!

type=text
type=text

Honesty Can Set You Free

The one fact remains, being gay is not a disease, symptom or something that is going to just go away, it is a part of a person, who they are and they should not be ashamed of who they are!. Telling a spouse is the right and honest thing to do even though the outcome may not always be pleasant, in the end most husbands are much happier that they did.

Living a lie, is not living at all!

Do you think that a husband should tell his wife that he is gay?

Do you think that a husband should tell>

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Dawn Michael PhD profile image
      Author

      Dawn Michael 3 years ago from Thousand Oaks

      @drellis07: Thank you for the support!

    • Dawn Michael PhD profile image
      Author

      Dawn Michael 3 years ago from Thousand Oaks

      @smine27: Thank you for your comment...my job as a clinical sexologist is to educate and inform people, so that there is less shame and more helpful information...

    • smine27 profile image

      Shinichi Mine 3 years ago from Tokyo, Japan

      Thank you for this very intelligently written lens. I know many men who realize they are gay only after they are married for many years. It happens.

    • profile image

      drellis07 4 years ago

      Very powerful. Keep up the work my friend, we need more writers like you. I'll continue to follow your writings as you do the same for me. Thanks

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: People like ambw just make the problem worse. No one does these things on purpose. Assigning blame is just going to cause more problems.

    • profile image

      LateBloomr 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Hey guys, I am 53x years old and am just now finally getting close to coming out to my wife and kids. I only allowed myself to experiment with men when I was 45 as I was going crazy and I think I would have ended up committing suicide as I got so deperessed. The thing that stopped me when I got feeling wthat down was thinking about my kids and how they would have that to deal with every day for the reset of their lives. I have finally accepted I have have done everything I can to try to makie it work... and have given up my own happiness in order to keep other people happy. Now of course I worry bout my wife and how she will cope... the guilt is just too much at times, but I do know in the long term it will be better for her, though I think when I admit to her that I am gay, she will want me to stay for the sake of the kids.. I have always said I would never leave for anyone else as I need to leave for myself. Though I have met a very special man and I dream of spending the rest of our lives together, but I will wallk away with almost nighting inorder to make sure the kids and wife are taken care of, I will still move out on my own, and this will also give me the opportunity to give my boyfriend the time he and we need to see if our relationship will grow in the direction we both hope. But no doubt a lot of tough times ahead, though I know I have found a very understanding guy who is willing to be there at my side through all th=e tough times ahead.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Until you walk a day in my shoes you have no idea what suffering is. If you think for one moment that a gay man would get married to cause pain you know nothing.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: dude, i could be you. It has been pure hell., and I want to move in with my lover and finish my life out., This guys loves me unconditionally as I do him. What to do? Im desperate. I dream of telling her everyday that I am gay and want out. Im afraid my bf isn't gonna wait for me. help!

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: I have only recently come to the realisation that i am gay after being married to my wife for 8 years and having 2 kids. I had often thought about men before I got married but thought i am being silly and it will go away, and it did... for about 6 years. Now these feelings are haunting me and I don't know what to do, these feelings are stronger than ever. I love my wife but I am not inlove with her. My boys mean the world to me.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: that's my life also...still thinking every minute of everyday what to do...I'm going thru ups and downs, lows and highs, can't even concentrate on doing my job, I think I'm losing it...

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      @anonymous: hey john i am just like you...i don't know what to do either wish we could talk

      everyone thinks it is so easy to just tell your wife....huh i don't think so

      no one knows what we are going through....hope you find answers ....and peace

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      @anonymous: i am in same boat....identical story...wish we could talk

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      ok first of all, its not right that these gay men marry women who think their husbands are straight and then end up having children with them just to have their own lives ruined!!!! If you are a gay man then don't bring an innocent Woman into your life by lies..... just don't get married because it is HER WHO SUFFERS THE MOST NOT YOU!!!!!!!

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      This is such a hard decision. I have been married 7 years with two kids. One is 3, the other is 4 months. I knew I had a small amount of feelings for men before I married; however, I didn't really understand that these feelings would not just go away. I have been able to subdue these desires until about the last year or so. I have always been faithful (other than the occasional downfal with pornagraphy) and have prided myself on my faithfulness. Now, though, I just can't seem to hold it back any longer. I don't want to hurt my wife or kids and I know by not telling them I am hurting them and by telling them I'll be hurting them. My wife stays at home so I'm also worried about her financial state. I'm afraid she will get so angry that she will leave with no way to support herself.

      Anyway, feels good to get it off my chest at least!

    • profile image

      tomaztt 5 years ago

      God created Adam and eve and not Adam in Micky. In Christ Jesus every man or woman can be set free from the wrong thinking or wrong inner patterns that have been accumulating years in ones mind and emotions...

      God can heal every person from this sickness. These people are in need of huge inner healing of soul and the spirit. But it can be done!

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Great lens! As a lesbian, I can say from experience that it is very difficult to realize that you are gay while in a straight relationship and how to go about being honest with your partner about it. Honesty is definitely the best policy in this situation. Obviously the risk is high of heartbreak and separation, even divorce, but I think staying in a dishonest relationship is worse and can lead to worse things than heartbreak. One thing I would say though is that I noticed at one point early on in the lens you referred to homosexuality as "sexual preference." I would definitely discourage this. It can be very offensive, given it implies that homosexuality is a thing of conscious choice, when many if not most homosexuals feel it is not a choice. Great lens!

    • filcaske1 lm profile image

      filcaske1 lm 5 years ago

      I got scared when I was 16, because I would check other guys out and get these feelings that just scared me! I would feel attraction, but women did not attract me. Of course growing up in wyoming, it really scared me that I might be gay! So I asked this girl out that I really liked, and unfortunately used her to prove to myself that I wasn't gay. Well thankfully I got out before it was to late! I ended the relationship 6 months later and told her the truth, that I was indeed gay and I want to be with a man!

      At the same time, I think it would be nice to have a family, but I think that is almost everyone's dream. I must say though, my boyfriend and soul mate are leading a great life, and I am so happy i got out of that relationship when I was 16! I couldn't imagine if I had stayed and gotten married.

    • Dawn Michael PhD profile image
      Author

      Dawn Michael 5 years ago from Thousand Oaks

      @anonymous: Hi John, what I will say to you is that yes your life will change if you tell your wife, and being prepared for it is important. The first step is to find a support system some one that can be there for you before and after you come out. Get involved in a group of men that have come out already...that is one of the best tips...if you do want counseling I can help you as well. Thank you for the comment

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      I can identify myself with a lot of what 'romeo' wrote on Sep 2, 2011.

      I'm married myself, and we're happy. However, I'm starting to realize who I am and what feelings I have. When I think about it, I've known for many years, I've just had a very difficult time dealing with it, and have been pushing those feelings aside, because I didn't want to feel that way! But, it's now kind of starting to catch up with me and I feel terrible! My wife is happy, and the thought me ruining what we have and what makes her so happy is horrible to me. One thing is how I feel, but why do I have to ruin this for her? I've read some articles about coming out, which has been interesting. For me, it's like I feel like if I came out, I would disappoint everyone; my wife, my friends, my parents, my siblings... And I'm afraid to lose everything. It's like I'm doing something wrong. Also, I'm afraid of people being upset and angry at me, and that's a scary thought too. I don't want people to be disappointed or angry at me because of who I am. I'm afraid a lot of people won't understand... But at the same time; we only live once, so why shouldn't I live in a way that makes me happy? I should follow my body and what it tells me.

      An interesting observation for me has been that even though I want something, I can't always do it. Sexual preference is not something you can just choose, and it's hard if you don't follow your 'desires.' Wanting something else than what your body tells you, is a pointless fight to start. Unfortunately, I didn't know this before it was 'too late.'

      Now, I don't really know what to do. But, I've been feeling very bad the last few months, so I know that I have to do something about it sooner or later, because it's not getting better... Any tips or anything else that might help me do this the right way?

    • Dawn Michael PhD profile image
      Author

      Dawn Michael 5 years ago from Thousand Oaks

      @anonymous: Hi Mario, your situation sounds a little different, like you may have had some experience as a young person with an older man? Just wanted to better understand where you are coming from...or you could fall into a fetish for older men, human sexuality is a very complex topic. My advice is if you are planning on doing it again, tell your wife...about what drives you to do this ans seek counseling, you are not being honest with her.

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      @Dawn Michael PhD: I was more curios to meet a gay rather than having sex with, one day I went to England and here it started. I always liked old man to see having sex , the couriosity made me meeting an old man. So there in England I use to know an old man for some months so I used to live at his house but different enterance .When I went out for drink one night I turned bed home and he was waiting for me so he inveted me more coffee , I found my self in bed and him s...ing . I liked very much but i was depressed for long time. I am married now to a wife and have a child but I really sometimes want to meet him , as I do have these feelings still in my mind . I do feel sorry sometimes for many things , never told to my wife , never will , its not good , but I think I love to have sex with old man although I am only 29 years old. Man over 55 to 69 who are a bit fat and have lovely friendly faces makes me feel very good chatting to them but I do look them on sexual way rather than listening what they are talking about.

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      i really had a big problem during my childhood for deep inside me i am gay but i am denouncing it because the society i lived in are not accepting gay boys. i always been bullied for being gay and i strike back for i don't want to be labeled as one.

      to cut the story short, i went to another community far far away from my village to get out of the situation and to study. i went straight but i always notice that my gay classmates senses that i am gay. i didn't ind them because i learned that straight guys don't mind if they are told by gays. i didn't showed that i am gay because i am determined to be straight.

      however, i do have difficulties doing things for i have so many reservations. i always asked myself, 'is this activity a gay activity?' so i didn't really enjoy doing things for i am afraid people will learn that i am gay. i ended up very selective with activities and even the job after college.

      getting a woman for marriage is also difficult for me because i am afraid she'll find out. but i am determined to get married.

      i have as well encounters with men want to have sex with me. but i didn't do it because i don't like it, it's gross. although i love watching their bodies because i want to have such beautiful muscles as well.

      when did i learn that i am gay? when i started to walk. hence i know deep inside that it is not really a choice to be gay but a gift from god -- in order for me to grow strong in spirit and in mind.

      right now, i have started accepting myself of really who i am but of course i will never cross dress, i will never say to anybody that i am gay - just guess, i will never have sex with a man because i don't want to, and i will get married to a woman who can accept me as a whole the time i tell her i am a gay (because i think she should only the one to know that i am such and just have the world discover my true identity.)

      that's all. i have understand myself fully, and i am happy now.

    • Dawn Michael PhD profile image
      Author

      Dawn Michael 6 years ago from Thousand Oaks

      @yourgoldenfuture: Thank you for your comment and i agree that hiding your whole life, then makes most of it a lie and it is not fair to either party involved.

    • profile image

      yourgoldenfuture 6 years ago

      being open about yourselves is always better than keeping it under the surface... and the coming out shows if you are really gay or just think you are...because you will face problems...

    • Dawn Michael PhD profile image
      Author

      Dawn Michael 6 years ago from Thousand Oaks

      @BarbRad: Hi Barb, thanks for the comment and the story, is is important for people to know how not being upfront about this in a marriage can cause all people involved much pain in the end, including the little girl.

    • BarbRad profile image

      Barbara Radisavljevic 6 years ago from Templeton, CA

      I suspect our gay friend knew or suspected he was more attracted to men than women before he married, but it would have been hard for him to come out in the occupation he had chosen. Instead, he married a woman who had a physical handicap, but it obviously didn't prevent their having a child. I don't know if he was honest with her before he married her or whether he was hoping if he got married he could overcome his preference and live a normal life. Evidently he couldn't

    • Dawn Michael PhD profile image
      Author

      Dawn Michael 6 years ago from Thousand Oaks

      @Mrmakingusmile LM: Thank-you for your comment and yes it is so hard to hide ones true self, and I have worked with many gay and lesbian people and the shame that many feel is not a way that anyone should have to go through their life feeling.

    • Mrmakingusmile LM profile image

      Mrmakingusmile LM 6 years ago

      Very good lens. Good topic. In this day and age gays and lesbians should feel free to come out of the closet. I'm not gay but I imagine to hide your feelings for years has to work on a person mentally.

    • Dawn Michael PhD profile image
      Author

      Dawn Michael 6 years ago from Thousand Oaks

      @Oliversbabycarecouk: Thank-you for the comment!

    • profile image

      Oliversbabycarecouk 6 years ago

      You have some good information

    • Dawn Michael PhD profile image
      Author

      Dawn Michael 6 years ago from Thousand Oaks

      @nancymcconnell: Thank you Nancy for your comment.

    • profile image

      nancymcconnell 6 years ago

      Very wll done, good lens!!!!

    • Dawn Michael PhD profile image
      Author

      Dawn Michael 6 years ago from Thousand Oaks

      @magicgeniewishl: Hi thanks for the comment and heads up on the extra poll...lol I took it out!

    • magicgeniewishl profile image

      magicgeniewishl 6 years ago

      Nice lens on the topic, well done :)

      (just a quick note that you have 2 of the same poll though)