IT’S A MATCH : The 6 Types of People You Will Encounter on Tinder
1. The New Guy
Ah, the Tinder virgin. With a big heart and even bigger expectations, he has stumbled into the swipe-right world of online dating. Convinced this app is the solution to his social awkwardness and that he will suddenly be swarmed with beautiful women and/or men doting on him every moment, he is likely to be confused by, well, a staggering lack thereof. After spending hours reaming through profiles, actually reading bios, and being selective with his precious swipes, he will become frustrated with his lack of matches. Angry or perhaps hurt, he will fall into the familiar stride of constant swipe-right-ing. He will still rejoice when a Match is made, and he will act as if he’s still so exclusive. He is not. He will be even more confused when he realizes very few people are on Tinder to find someone serious to settle down with. If you encounter this delicate Tinder creature, perhaps consider directing him to OKCupid, a single’s bar, or, failing that, a feline rescue shelter.
2. The Guy Who Gets Irrationally Angry When You Don’t Respond
He said hi. He said hi again. He said heyyyyyy. Once again, Hi. Yo. Wassup. Whacha up to. Hello? And you? You are a straight up b*tch. This man has graced you with his presence. He chose to waste the energy swiping right on your stupid ugly face. He is being NICE. He is being a GENTLEMAN. He is THE BEST THING THAT COULD EVER POSSIBLEY HAPPEN TO YOU. Don’t you CARE that he took the time to LIKE YOUR PICTURES? God, maybe he’ll just delete his account all together. How would you like THAT? Lol lmao jkkkkkkk my friend had my phone. How are you? FINE SCREW YOU YOU’RE PROBABLY A SLUT ANYWAY. You’re really pretty. Are you there? Hello?
3. The Guy so Thirsty you’re Surprised He’s not Singlehandedly Keeping the Sea Level from Rising
You swiped right because his picture had a puppy in it, he had Netflix in his interests, and he mentions liking your favorite band. He swiped right because he thinks your legs would look much better on either side of his sweaty tattoo-adorned neck —and he wants you to f*cking know it. Doesn’t matter if you’re uninterested, he is *really* sure you are. You valiantly tell him off, but you are met with a barrage of slurs and accusations of being a slut,a prude, or in more nonsensical cases, both. But you cut your losses, take a shower to wash off how dirty you now feel, screenshot the conversation, and upload it to the internet. Later you will feel insecure about yourself and re-open your chat to find he has blocked you. You will swipe right on every Greek Life Junkie you can find in your fleeting Tinder-rebound. Then you will notice their dick pics piling up in your Moments section, a few new chats will roll in, and the process will repeat infinitely. Welcome to Tinder. Do you need a hug, honey?
4. The Guy Who’s Disturbingly Desperate to Meet You In Person
You’re willing to admit it. He’s cute. REALLY cute. You’d actually be interested in going out with him sometime. You actually message you first. And the first thing he asks is if you wanna hang out tonight. He asks again. He dodges your questions and your stories; he is not here to make jokes. He just really wants to know if you’ll come over later. He entices you with food, movies, video games, vodka. He’s just really lonely, and you’re both free RIGHT NOW, so there’s really no reason you two shouldn’t be best friends. Don’t worry about the fact you’ve been talking for less than two minutes, or that you have no reason to believe he’s not actually a creepy old murder. Those aren’t a thing. Don’t worry about it. Maybe you could go over and talk about how much he’s NOT a murder. I mean sure, he said not to tell anyone where I’m going, but that’s probably because he likes to keep his romantic life discreet. Besides, he’s REALLY cute. Good, so it’s settled. You’ll meet in the dark ally behind your apartment in an hour. Come alone.
5. The Guy Who’s Pictures are All From His Wedding
True love. It’s what everyone’s here for. That or a quickie behind a 7/11. So, if this guy’s found the former (and is obviously quite proud) … Why is he here? A quick chat session will reveal he’s “just here to make friends” or that he “just forgot to delete his profile” (yeah, right.) But four messages later when he asks for nudes, the truth with come out. Do not be angry, tindlings. He is addicted to the app, just like you are. Plus you show cleavage in your profile pic, so really, he’s the victim here. Plus honey, he’s clearly married, so you might be the one with the bad taste. Keep on swiping, homewrecker.
6. The Guy Who’s Actually Really Sweet
This is it. The one. You’re going to meet and fall in love and make up a better story about how you met. You have butterflies in your stomach as you swipe right. This is it. You’re gonna message him, you’re gonna ask him questions, you’ll even put out. This is perfect. He’s perfect. This is what the app was DESIGNED for. Good ones like you who really just wanna settle down at the end of the day with their little Tinder sweetie. He’s only a mile away, you could even meet for dinner this week if everything goes well! God, don’t screw this up. You’re already planning your wedding, so you better not. It’s gonna be so good! You can just taste it!——-
…Huh, they didn’t swipe back yet. That’s okay, I’m sure I just swiped him first.
… He’s probably just busy. Maybe he’s at work.
So what if it’s been a few hours?
Any minute now.