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The Way I Find Her!
The term find her represents the way of understanding her, just to be clear to avoid the unnecessary miscommunication. I am delightful to write something about her that encourages me, well to write for her. I always thought that having a person in the arm is having her/him in the heart. Well basically it is neither true nor false at all. So basically I am a half pie of shit, although I would love to ask for more proper words to address me (hopefully).
The ‘me’ word has affected me since I was not even aware of myself. So I can say I was in love with me as I heard the word ‘me’ which in Gujarati, we pronounce ‘hu pote’. I was not fond of English so I can say I started reading books in Gujarati. It didn’t last long but whatever I read gave me the strength to write something and guess what? I wrote somethings about me!
There have been ups and downs, I am proud of it. Even though I didn’t wanted any of those downs, they kept on coming so I didn’t actually have many choices. And figuratively I stood before them. The most of them where created by my lovely, stunning, stupid heart itself. It is a hard thing but I do have this sort of quality list for the girls to whom I would love to act not normal. And by not normal I would say feel comfortable with. It might be the past now as she suddenly flew into my palace without any before calls. That such kind of girl attracts me a lot, a sudden girl.
Months of waiting, eventually I was not even aware of her in my life, for getting a proper tone of my speech I would love to give the time a bit of the credit. So I can say, months of waiting, she would come in my life, first no effects at all and don’t know how, when, where she would make space in my little nasty place for herself. And the current scenario is that I wake at the midnight having the thoughts of losing her, bloody dreams. They beat the shit of out me. I mean one day I had a dream in which my friend said she was damn cool and I woke up. I know you think the dream is over, actually it is not even a dream! Well in reality, if one of my friends would say something about her, I feel jealous. But hey!!!In even the dream I couldn’t bear the talking of my friend that made me wake up! I know you think I am mad and I support you. Most other things in my life never affected me because I never cared. Who cares! You know this happens all the time with me. When I say I don’t need the thing, the next thing I have to do is that thing. I don’t like to link up but may I say that she might be the result of my saying that I don’t need to care anymore? Well she is the one for whom I care for sure, so yeah I am going link up her with the rest of the events. Probably I am saying the wrong term as being a student of CPM, she is the most curious activity, not the event, in the whole project cycle (my life). The event would be to get married to her yet probability to the completion of that event tends to zero. So I am going to enjoy the freaking ride, the activity ONLY.
The day has changed already. Though the feelings for her stays in such way that I can’t even think myself without her. Once I was told that you are a cheap shot that I don’t give a damn about the people who are closure to me. And I was like yes, I don’t give a damn about them. I mean that is my rule of not letting people in my life without any curios reason. I would, I could talk to any girl you give me in a way you want me to talk to her. I was never afraid of talking anything. It is not that I don’t care for my reputation yet I am certain that I can talk whatever I want to talk and that doesn’t conclude any rude behavior. So basically what I would do is flirting and as it is said that flirting is good for health, I would like to follow that remark, like on a serious note. I mean why hesitate? Is that the girl you are not sure for or is that you having lots of confidence or having none of it!? I think the girl I don’t know at all is the girl with whom I can talk pretty easily and fluently cause there will not be any issue if the things wouldn’t go right! I am sure I have maintained this creepy image of mine clear to her too. Loafer is actually a bad word as I am addressing me yet I can say I am a little bit of more friendly sometimes in a week or may be two weeks or may be the very next day!
The way I consider her is no time pass at all. Actually with her I can spend the time, even make it gorgeous with some of the talks but I could never give her a compliment for once. Yeah I am a dick you can say and there is nothing wrong in it. Yet I was thinking of her as just a good personality. I didn’t wanted to make any attempt to her for liking me and I never was convinced that there was something going on between us. So I was just not pausing myself and let the words coming out my mouth fluently without even considering what they could to offend someone. It is like she would be mix up with the surroundings that much that I could just feel like me. There was no stopping for me, the thing that I love most. I was like left to do whatever I wanted to do and she gave me somehow the encouragement. She is not the soulmate or a bestie yet she is something. Not for only me, it may the nature of her, a little I don’t like, to get friendly to everyone, jealous a bit, that is all! Wow, it is like when the time is beautiful, you always want to seize the moments with as many as memories possible. Yet the time that we love, I love, is never been seized completely. We do have this blur image of passing the whole era yet the proper image is never conceived. With the haste of capturing things, more the thoughts of passing the time without spoiling bit of it, we live the time lesser, just like me, stupid me. I was sitting on the bed and revising the whole ‘her thing’ and believe me all I could go through was, seeing her laugh, her cute face doing some typical expression, her eyes playing with the tone of her head, her arguments, sorry, not the arguments but the face of argument, playing with the hairs, getting me head massage, those smooth straighten hairs of her, the blurry image of the phone containing lots of boys’ numbers which I hate the most, the specs, the dot on the left side eye almost kissing the front nose, the hairy hand (unshaved) and the one after the shave, the smooth ones, the keychain of the guitar I gave her just after she gave me the rose, the plastic band she put on my hand, am still amazed that has lasted this long from 14/2 to 27/5!, the pink t-shirt, the blue on, the grey jeans and that yellow patch, god I love that, the dirty sneakers, the much dirty slippers, which are of yellow, I mean I don’t even like yellow, the interest of her in hair-styles from which I learned ‘pin’ is the most important aspect for the hair styling, if hairs are left to comb, not to worry at all, buy some pins and the problem would fly away, the questions, the read, the curiosity in things why I do, the sitting, the way of using the mobile, the way of convincing me to believe her that she doesn’t have a bf, telling me that she would have learnt ‘Paneer ‘Makhhan’ Masala’, telling me what she likes and dislikes, the vis on her hand written by me, the music on the other side, the breathing, that cute little face-ass, that night on the riverfront, that night of the garba, that night when I saw her with someone, btw he is nobody, the next day of my sister’s wedding we went to get my sister back for some rituals when she asked me why my ears are like this!, the night of valentine’s day, night when she would speak “safar ne nathi pivu pani” and I totally ignored her, the night at the airport, the night when my sister said, “ hey you two should get married and we saw each other and laughed for a while”, the night when we went to the restaurant at which we had a fight about the taste of the pineapple raita, the night of eating ice cream and coming back triple on active, the night when I started making fun of her face-ass and she would grab my beard for millions of times, the night when I fed her the mantuarians when she didn’t like the noodles, the night at my sister’s wedding telling her what I want in a girl-partner, the day I saw her laying in the bed ill that she would have done lots of vomiting, the day when we went to her house and she was not there, believe me it was a disappointment, the evening when her sister called me ‘safarjiju’, the evening when aunty was sitting right next to me and she shouted “ bye safar!”, the evening she was supposed to come with me for the party she didn’t come although the school boy occurred at the same day, the evening when she sent a message in group in which we had to select a number and mine number 07 said “I love you” and she texted me in person those replies for all numbers and never did reply in the group, the evening she would come back for only 10 minutes cause on 7 o’clock her grandpa wanted to eat so she had to go, the glances, the hold on my face while my sister was doing the eye-brows, the touch of the belly, not playing a good badminton, her saying of the person who has an apple a little outside of the throat(apple) can kiss better, well I have that outside, not telling me about someone, telling me everything otherwise, her dance, her lame excuses, etc. Well don’t be disappointed, I am going to write further as I remember the things. (If any left). See I don’t love her, that is a hard path, but I can remember about her, that is a big win for her.