ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Coping Mechanisms for Divorce Wars

Updated on March 11, 2013

We’ve all seen it.  Couples who were once seemingly rational people who spin totally out of control when the marriage fails.  From screaming matches, vindictive acts of anger and retaliation, to horrific acts of violence, divorce can lead to emotional turmoil that is overwhelming.  Unfortunately, the raging battles leave many victims behind, including children.  If you are experiencing this situation, you are probably searching for ways to get through the divorce process as emotionally unscathed and as civilly as possible.  What can you do to help take the combativeness out of your divorce?    

Learn Your Body’s Warning Signals

Raw emotions like anger, depression, resentment and blame sometimes make us lose control. If you realize what is happening before it goes too far, you will have a better chance of taking charge of the situation and maintaining emotional equilibrium. It is important that you learn to recognize your body’s cues so you can remain in control, rather than letting emotions control you.

There are signals your body sends to tell you it is being overwhelmed with emotional stress. They can differ from person to person but often include a racing heart, muscle tensing, fluttering stomach and a feeling of extreme heat or cold. When you find yourself in an argument and begin to experience the symptoms that happen just before you say or do something detrimental, heed the cue and step back for a moment. Use the time to calm down so that you are once again in control.

How do you calm down, you say? Remind yourself repeatedly that you can choose to let your emotions take over and make unconscious choices that will be harmful or you can consciously decide to make choices that will be in your own best interest. You can use other coping mechanisms as well. You may have to experiment with several to find the one that works for you.

Gary Coleman on 'Divorce Court'

Resources for Divorce War

A Variety of Coping Mechanisms

Simple methods that some people use successful to control overwhelming emotions include:

  • Deep breathing. Breathe deeply from your diaphragm, not your chest. Exhale completely.
  • Create a soothing mantra to tell yourself repeatedly while breathing deeply. Choose a short simple phrase like “I am calm and in control” or “I am at peace” or simple “Cool”.
  • Use imagery to help retain control. Imagine a giant red stop sign in front of you to help you put the brakes on runaway emotions or picture a serene place in your mind and draw on the emotions of calmness it generates.
  • Use the time to think of an assertive response, rather than an angry or aggressive one. When you are ready to speak again, do so in a calm tone at a normal volume.

Of course, you can do these things for yourself, but what about your ex? Hopefully, if you remain calm, it will help your estranged spouse to do the same and defuse the volatile situation. If it does not, then avoid being alone with him/her as much as possible. Let your lawyer handle the negotiations or consider a divorce mediator. If your ex is prone to violence, seek a restraining order against him/her.

Divorce is a stressful period in anyone’s life, but even more so when caught up in combat with your ex. Try these coping mechanisms to keep the battles at a minimum and remember, “this, too, shall pass.”


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)