- Gender and Relationships
Should I meet his Ex?
How do you relate to your Love's ex?
"Dating is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse." Wikipedia
You have met some one you think is amazing, been on a few dates and so far everything is looking good. How do you feel about meeting his past girlfriends? I will tell you why I think it is one of the best moves you can make in a new relationship.
Why you should want to meet the ex
I have been single and dating for the best part of two decades. I have had several long term relationships in that time and each of those has had one thing in common, I have met or interacted with their ex girlfriends.
I have single friends who are so overcome with jealousy at the thought that their new man might have loved someone else in the past tha tthe idea of meeting the past love socially seems like a nightmare. I on the other hand look forward to it.
My reason is their is no better indicator of a man's true characture/nature than how he behaves around the women in his life. There is also no better indicator of potential character faults than the way an ex responds to him when they meet.
Have you ever met a man who seems to do nothing but say bad and nasty things about his ex? How do you think he will be talking about you if you reak off the relationship?
I prefer to be in the company of at least one ex at some point early in the relationship. I don't like wasting time and emotion on someone who is a no-no because he scores too high on my personal 'deal breaker' list.
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Things to notice if you bump into his ex
Lets get one thing clear from the start, a little bit of uncomfortableness is normal when you meet for the first time. Bearing in mind, it may be the first time the ex has seen your date with someone new since they broke up. Make allowances for that.
However, if the ex appears afraid of him, then ask yourself if prehaps he isn't the sweetheart he appears in the early days of dating. Bear in mind that men who are abusive often shower their victim with gifts and attention in the early days.
If they immediatly start to fight and exhibit violent behaviour to each other, be aware that, no matter how much he trys to put the blame on her, he is showing you how he will respond to yo when he is angry. Can you cope with that? Personally I would find it off putting, but some people thrive on negative passion.
However, if they chat, ask after family and friends and she congratulates you on having met one of the good guys, avoid the urge to be overcome wityh jealousy. Praise your stars that the man you are with is a keeper who is able to forge mature adult relationships with women.
Meet the ex or not?
How do you feel about meeting the ex as a way of judging the character of your date?
Examples of what to avoid
I was on a date with a guy who told me that it was over with his ex wife. I asked if it would be possible for me to meet her.
During the course of the conversation he mentioned that his ex had a restraining order on him for a year following their breakup. That was a red flag for me, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and carried on with the date. After all, break ups can get nasty and descions may be taken in anger.
Later on in the evening though, he mentioned how, at exactly midnight the day the restraining order ceased, he had walked down her street and sat outside the house for several hours, just to point out to her that he could now do that.
This was the point I left the date. He didn't seem to grasp that this amounted to intimidation as he was to caught up in how he had 'got the better' of his ex wife.
I remember a friend had been on a few dates with a guy, who I was concerned was exhibiting signs of having a controlling personallity. I had several times spoken to her about seeing how he reacted with the ex. She had told him about my theory. One morning, he drove her to a bakery in the next time, saying they were going to pick up some pies. When they went in the shop, my friend noticed the woman behind the counter hurried into a back room when they entered. The manager of the shop came out and served my friend's date, and then asked him to please not come into the shop again. The man then shouted to the women in the back room, demanding she should come out to be introduced to my friend. My friend told me the woman looked scared stiff. Back in the car, her date confirmed that the woman in the shop was his ex.
My friend decided to end the relationship because she was uncomfortable with how he had treated the ex. Several months after ending the relationship, she discovered that this man had a record of physical violence to his partners, including the shop women.