- Gender and Relationships
To The Narcissist Whom I Once Loved
I'll Never Come Back To You.
For two years, I have fought for you. Day in. Day out. For two years, I have become less of a person. I have let you use me as the punching bag you simply must have in your life. I know it’s not your fault–you can’t help that you have a disorder so serious that it even hides itself from you. I have read all about Narcissism, and I promise you. You are textbook, baby.
You started out so sweet and loving. You were the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and you honestly still are. You always will be. I tried to fix you, but your victimizing path ended us before I could make you realize that you needed help.
I feel awful. Why? Because I am a caregiver. I don’t give up on people. I fought for you until I was the only fighter remaining. I fought for you even when you made everyone believe I was crazy. I fought for you until it actually seemed as though I was the crazy one. I’m sorry, my love, but I am not the crazy one.
I am, however, codependent to some extent. After all, Narcissists choose codependents. I am codependent because I want to be with one person and one person only. When I meet that person, I am dependent on them to remain the person that made me believe they were the one in the first place.
I will always love you, but I will also always resent you. I will resent you because you signify the failed relationship that I refused to accept. You signify the creator of my insecurities and doubts. You’re the reason why I have been so depressed that I can’t even go to work, and haven’t in a month. You’re the reason why no other person is even a remote candidate for my heart and affection. You and your remarkably structured personality disorder.
It is so hard for me to understand why you have treated me the way you have for so long. I don’t understand your harsh words. I don’t understand your back and forth attitude. I don’t understand your sick fetish with making me suffer. I don’t understand your lack of empathy. I don’t understand your superiority complex.
What I do understand is that I didn’t deserve any of it. I was so good to you. You have a problem, but you turned my attempts to fix your problem into my own problem. I am not crazy. I am a woman who loves you with her whole heart. A woman who is strong enough to fight the toughest battle in an attempt to prove that. Now I realize that will never be able to be proven. You’ll never realize how much I love you, and you’ll never appreciate me. You’ll never understand the faults of mine that you created only exist in your head. And this will be true for every woman after me.
You will always hold a place in my heart. I will always remember your beautiful smile, your silly laugh, and your every other good quality that I bring up to you so often. I will always have a hard time finding someone else..because they are not you. They never will be. This is because they’ll never be capable of your type of torturous treatment.
I am sorry you think I did you so wrong. I am sorry you can’t realize your own self-destruction. I am sorry that our “family” came down to this. I am sorry that your disease made you ditch me in such a cold-hearted fashion and instantaneously replace me.
I am sorry that you will soon understand that you need a person like me. You will miss me. Not because you love me–because you love the way I let you lie and victimize me. You love how I drooled over you in every way, and that my desires for you never ever lessened–they only grew stronger. When you come back to me to tell me this, I am sorry to let you know that I will decline your offer. I will want to accept more than anything in the world. It will hurt so much to tell you no. But I promise you I will tell you no. I must. I will fight for myself now instead of fighting for you as I’ve done for two years.
I do miss you and will miss you every day of my life. You won’t get help and I don’t think you’re even fixable at this point. I just want you to one day be able to understand the love I have for you. I want you to realize what you had and what you lost. I want it to hurt. Not for revenge–but for a wakeup call.
No, baby. No.