What NOT TO DO In Relationships
By nature we are social creatures, we need to be in relationships with others. Relationships provide us with a sense of meaning, connection and purpose. All of us want to be loved. The challenge is to find relationships that are loving and fulfilling. Sometimes we are told what to do to have a healthy relationship. It can be frustrating though when we feel like we are the only ones putting this effort and we are left wondering “so how do I get him/her to do what is necessary for us to succeed?” These tips will help you to make healthy choices when contemplating a new relationship.
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- Do NOT consider yourself ‘more highly than you ought’! Healthy self-esteem is important in relationships because we are responsible for how we allow persons to treat us. But, if you think you are SO important that only your needs should be considered for the relationship to improve, or if the other persons needs are neglected by you because they are less assertive than you are – your relationship will suffer. Selfish, self-centered people do not make good partners. Persons who always want to talk about their life or feelings, ignoring everyone else’s will not have very fulfilling relationships.
- Do NOT allow your needs to be overlooked. If your self-esteem is so unhealthy that you do not value yourself as you should, you will never be truly happy in your relationships. Being assertive in relationships is an essential asset.
- Do NOT pretend that you agree with your friend/partner, for an ‘easy’ life. If you are in a relationship with someone that you are not comfortable to disagree with because of a fear of the consequences, you probably should not be in a relationship with that person. If you continue to accumulate suppressed negative feelings towards someone who you have to relate to on a regular basis, one day you will explode and the relationship will be in a state of crisis!
- Do NOT assume that the person you are dating is the ‘authentic’ person. When persons date they are on their best behavior. They want to impress the person they are dating and so will dress, speak and act as appealingly as they can to leave a good impression. That’s not real. The person you want to be with is the one who you have seen in many ‘less than flattering’ circumstances and you are still comfortable with what you see. You should also know what they are like on a bad day or if they are upset with you. You’d be surprised how much you can learn in those situations!
- Do NOT look for someone who will make you happy. They won’t. That feeling of euphoria you may experience in the early stages of the relationship are unfortunately temporary. When that feeling goes, you’re going to realize that your happiness is ultimately in your hands. Similarly, the person you choose should be able create their OWN happiness, as you will never be able to live up to pressure of trying to maintain this emotional state for them.
Discouraged? Don’t be. SO many persons are going around in circles doing a lot of things to achieve long-lasting happiness in relationships – but don’t. Try working smarter, not harder, and watch what happens!
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© karen mcgibbon
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