When Depression Strikes
Everyday it seems to feel like I am just living in this dark, cold world. Some days I feel as if my whole world is just crashing down on me. I never thought throughout my life I would have to experience depression. My twin sister suffered a year from being depressed. Depression will turn you into a completely different person. I never really used to think about things so thoroughly but now that’s all I ever find myself doing.
What is it like living life everyday on edge as if you’re going to fall off this earth any second? I spend everyday day shedding tears. This makes eating and sleeping really hard for me. My stomach always has this sick feeling. I do not want to keep feeling the way I do forever so I have been spending time trying to figure out what is causing me to feel like I am at my lowest point in life right now.
I recently just had a baby boy six months ago whom I love to death. My boyfriend (which is also the father of my child) and I have been having a rough relationship. I have been fighting and holding on to this because I love him to death. No one can really blame me for that. He is my best friend but this relationship is not healthy anymore.
I started suffering with depression during my pregnancy which my doctor had diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. However, I was 7 months pregnant. The doctors told me it was going to be hard to get me on a depression pill that was safe for me and baby boy. I was put on the lowest dose because anything higher could have harmed the baby.
It was my boyfriend who was making me feel the way I do. The constant lying and cheating. What did I ever do to deserve that? It was okay for him to do all these things to me but if I even did one thing wrong he would have left me in a heart beat. I was always at home waiting for him. I had long, sleepless nights because I was always worried about what he was out doing. He would come home the next morning after a long night of drinking and act like everything was okay. Why is he doing this to me? I’d ask myself. Nothing ever changed. I got to the point where I didn’t care about anything including myself. I lost 7 pounds during my pregnancy and was rushed to the hospital the next day because I had a anxiety attack and passed out. I remember it like it was yesterday. Everything turned white and I started shaking and panicking. I never want to feel that again.
After, I had my baby things started to look up. My boyfriend and I were getting along again for about a month. I was happy again and it was the best feeling ever. Then things slowly started to tumble down hill again. He started working nights and lied to me about going to work one night. He just never came home. I waited thinking he would show up. He never did. I decided to go out and hang with my friends to get my mind off things. The next morning he still never came home so I decided I would go to his friends house to see if he was there. He was there, cuddled up with his ex girlfriend. Even though I walked in on that I still thought I would give him another chance. He changed for about 2 weeks then things went back to the way they were.
All I have done in my relationship is stress out and worry. We fight every other day over the smallest things. Every time we fight rude things are always said. It has been a though time trying to find a job and he would always bring me down about that. I feel like I have been beaten emotionally to my breaking point.
If you or anyone else you know is suffering from depression for any reason please support and love that person because there is nothing worst than feeling so hopeless or helpless.