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When Depression Strikes

Updated on January 25, 2016

Everyday it seems to feel like I am just living in this dark, cold world. Some days I feel as if my whole world is just crashing down on me. I never thought throughout my life I would have to experience depression. My twin sister suffered a year from being depressed. Depression will turn you into a completely different person. I never really used to think about things so thoroughly but now that’s all I ever find myself doing.

What is it like living life everyday on edge as if you’re going to fall off this earth any second? I spend everyday day shedding tears. This makes eating and sleeping really hard for me. My stomach always has this sick feeling. I do not want to keep feeling the way I do forever so I have been spending time trying to figure out what is causing me to feel like I am at my lowest point in life right now.

I recently just had a baby boy six months ago whom I love to death. My boyfriend (which is also the father of my child) and I have been having a rough relationship. I have been fighting and holding on to this because I love him to death. No one can really blame me for that. He is my best friend but this relationship is not healthy anymore.

I started suffering with depression during my pregnancy which my doctor had diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. However, I was 7 months pregnant. The doctors told me it was going to be hard to get me on a depression pill that was safe for me and baby boy. I was put on the lowest dose because anything higher could have harmed the baby.

It was my boyfriend who was making me feel the way I do. The constant lying and cheating. What did I ever do to deserve that? It was okay for him to do all these things to me but if I even did one thing wrong he would have left me in a heart beat. I was always at home waiting for him. I had long, sleepless nights because I was always worried about what he was out doing. He would come home the next morning after a long night of drinking and act like everything was okay. Why is he doing this to me? I’d ask myself. Nothing ever changed. I got to the point where I didn’t care about anything including myself. I lost 7 pounds during my pregnancy and was rushed to the hospital the next day because I had a anxiety attack and passed out. I remember it like it was yesterday. Everything turned white and I started shaking and panicking. I never want to feel that again.

After, I had my baby things started to look up. My boyfriend and I were getting along again for about a month. I was happy again and it was the best feeling ever. Then things slowly started to tumble down hill again. He started working nights and lied to me about going to work one night. He just never came home. I waited thinking he would show up. He never did. I decided to go out and hang with my friends to get my mind off things. The next morning he still never came home so I decided I would go to his friends house to see if he was there. He was there, cuddled up with his ex girlfriend. Even though I walked in on that I still thought I would give him another chance. He changed for about 2 weeks then things went back to the way they were.

All I have done in my relationship is stress out and worry. We fight every other day over the smallest things. Every time we fight rude things are always said. It has been a though time trying to find a job and he would always bring me down about that. I feel like I have been beaten emotionally to my breaking point.

If you or anyone else you know is suffering from depression for any reason please support and love that person because there is nothing worst than feeling so hopeless or helpless.

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 19 months ago

      Today is not forever.

      Paige,

      It’s impossible to be happy unless you live your life being true to yourself.

      Depression for the most part is nothing more than a feeling of hopelessness that tomorrow is not going to be any better than today.

      One of the keys to having a happy life is having something to look forward to! However if one really feels like they are stuck on a treadmill of life with no options they start giving up. More often than not depressed people are more comfortable having a “pity party” than making changes for themselves. In fact they want the rest of the world to change!

      Just look at some of the things you expressed in this article

      “I spend everyday day shedding tears.”

      “My boyfriend (which is also the father of my child) and I have been having a rough relationship. I have been fighting and holding on to this because I love him to death. No one can really blame me for that. He is my best friend but this relationship is not healthy anymore.

      “All I have done in my relationship is stress out and worry. We fight every other day over the smallest things.”

      “The constant lying and cheating.”

      If my “best friend” was a liar and a cheater I would be depressed too!

      If I really believed this person was my “soul-mate” and I loved them to death I’d wonder what’s wrong with me? Anyone with any measure of self-love has “deal breakers’ and boundaries.

      When we change our circumstances change.

      You on the other hand are hoping that your (boyfriend) will change. Why? Because you have a baby? He may have never really wanted to have the baby to begin with and now feels as though he is in some kind of trap. Your profile indicates you’re age 19 and if your boyfriend is anywhere near your age I can promise you the last thing on his mind is becoming his parents!

      For guys in their teens and 20s the very thought of having babies, getting married, signing a 30 year mortgage and spending the rest of their lives working a job they hate is like watching their lives pass before their eyes. Most young guys are mainly interested in playing video games, watching sports, partying with friends, and getting laid!

      The average guy in the U.S. doesn’t seriously think about settling down and getting married until they are around age 30. Even then he doesn’t want to feel “obligated” to get married.

      Deep down what is depressing you is you know this guy does not love you as much as you love him! You also know he’s never going to win “Father of the Year” awards from your son’s point of view.

      Maybe for financial reasons or misplaced pride you insist on staying in a relationship where you’re unhappy. The funny thing is the longer you stay the more you justify staying because of how long you have been there! Know yourself, Love yourself, Trust yourself.

      “Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.”

      - Oscar Wilde

      If your man is staying out all night leaving you with your infant son he doesn’t think either of you are all that “special”.

      If something doesn’t (feel) right to you it’s probably not right to you!

      You made a mistake. Now it’s time to learn from it and be the best mother you can to your child. That means getting out of a toxic relationship, getting your education, and choosing a career that will provide a decent living for you and your child. Age 19 is still young. You have your whole life ahead of you. There are over 7 Billion people on this planet!

      Odds are in everyone’s favor there is more than a few people who would make an ideal mate for any of us.

      The world may not owe you anything but you owe yourself the world!