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love painful unrequieted or unreturned and desperate

Updated on February 18, 2009

Pain of unreturned love

Few would argue that loving someone that ignores or denigrates the attention may cause depression and anxiety, a drop in school grades, and a brief spell of isolation.  Shortly after, the rejected bounce back and renew the game. this is common in young love, infatuation, or lust.

there are levels that are largely harmless and part of getting to know the possible partners available to share life together.  There are more reasons than meet the eye for not jumping off the cliff with someone you barely know who has insisted undying love or is exciting, "dangerous," and anxious to consummate the relationship with quick sex.  The writer's concern is not moral, those values are individual and imparted by the family, or they should be, unless it concerns those who have little understanding of the consequences of too early sexual experimentation. 

  Too young love-and love to fill a life-long yearning for dominating another or capturing them by exploiting known weaknesses or flaws, such as overweight or fear of mingling, are hardly healthy definitions of love in the spiritual sense.  What is too young love?  When the individual has a child like fantasy and preoccupation with an impossible reality.  No, the elelventh grader is not going to have much luck with the college bound senior, even if he is a hunk,  drives a nice car, and is popular, painful as the truth may sound.  thinking a baby will fill the unfilled gap, teen age girls get pregnant, only to discover they are more isolated and not any more fulfilled by a 24 hour eating and elimination machine then they were without it.  A baby is too occupied with survival  and how to manipulate the environment ( that's mom) to return the love young mom may heap upon it.  The problem isn't solved, now it is multiple problems.  The father?  He is off with friends and resents any intrusion on his time.  The mother's resentment is felt by the baby, and as a popular song relates: the wheel just keeps on turning.

It is important to understand, moreover, that it may not be love the pained one experienced but a painful yearning for something unfulfilled from infancy or childhood. Of course the suffering lover is unaware that the mistaken feeling is a longing for love that was unavailable from the mother in childhood. Far more serious is an infancy devoid of a loving and available mother.

It won't matter that the mother may have been ill or in some other way unavailable for the infant, a lack of mother love in infancy may cause serious psyschopathology at some age during development. The later in life the love is withheld, the less likely the child will suffer serious consequences.

"Love" that occurs obsessively is common enough. A male or female attaches to a love object that they feel will replace that missing something in their life. We all know how serious this can be as explosive familial events bring police and social services to intervene in out of control situations. These may be brought about by alcohol/drug consumption, but the root cause is the need for one or both partners to cling to one another, believing the other has the answer that will make the self complete, or to fill that "empty space." This is the root of co-dependency that few ever  escape.

At the end of a lovers rampage when one has killed the other, if asked why he did it, the response is usually:" What else could i do? I loved her." Or, if i couldn't have him, then no one will have him!" so the intertwined lives of many are horribly disrupted by the narcissistic behavior of one unable or unwilling to love, giving into narcissitic impulses rather than the true giving and caring that completes loving, happy relationships. 

Depending on the demands of the mother,  or how much time she is able to give,  most infants and young children are equipped well enough to get the right amount of love to make it through life. Most relationships don't end in a hospital emergencvy room, a womans' shelter, or in the justice system. Battering and other forms of abuse that start as early as junior high school are significant signs of future trouble ahead.

In university lectures about the subject,  over half a class of senior women reported some form of physical or sexual abuse  from a boyfriend. Most didn't have a clue about the battering being abnormal; In fact, they believed that they "brought it on themselves." In class after class students broke down and sobbed, having accepted their "guilt.".  This happened so often, the university had to provide for a support group after the lectures.

Of course, none of it sounds like love when the root causes for abuse are brought to daylight. We don't accept that very young or middle school children experience romantic love and few take it seriously. Kids "fall in love" many times before acquiring the maturity required of a bonded, loving, and faithful relationship. Young girls fall for hero types such as rock bands, while boys feel attraction for athletic types they can look up to. They see their role not as active but as sexually neutral. This is a perfectly normal way to deal with romantic thoughts and images typical of this age.

Increasingly during the information age, culture, and especially the media, have changed the dimnensions of childhood into a smaller paradigm that appears to appeal to mass audiences, worldwide. Few would deny the sexualization of children, or that they have been pushed to unacceptable levels of early sexual behavior. This is not spin the bottle stuff. The exposure level of sexuality and exploitation is impossible for children to ignore. children have no frame of reference for this material. They are confused. There are no normal relationships depicted on television. Love is shown as sex. Sex is shown as prostitution, rape, or sex, accompanied by violence. It is shown as perverted, forbidden, such as extra marital, or not age appropriate.

Children from homes that teach healthy relating to others tend to grow through healthy stages of developmen. This means finishing high school, trade school or college. It also means Means not starting a family until careers are well on their way  and there are enough resources to support children.

Whether we are rejected as a love interest at age 18 or age 38, it is hopeless and destructive to continue to pursue the impossible. These one-sided dances are painful for the pursued one and sometimes fatal. Those who cannot accept that they are not loved by a targeted interest will not accept that their love(obsession) toward another is unwanted. In their mind, rejection is the trigger that sends the message to the mind that " I am unlovable." To face the reality of this is the same as death. this explains the extreme levels one who feels rejection will take to avoid the ultimate.

Many cannot stand to be alone and will seek mates who have similar needs and drives. Often these shallow couplings survive because both partners accept the misery of the situation. In many cases the relationship will appear normal as any other. When extreme stress places pressure on the relationship, it may blow up and then come to the attention of authorities. Normal adults may innocently become involved with tortured, lonely souls who latch on and become impossible to simply get rid of.

Isolation, giving up friends and family, and bowing to the wishes of the other are typical of the demands made on the normal one. Abuse, drinking and illegal behavior are the norm, and the victim becomes terrified to leave. The fear is there will be a terrible blow-up, beatings, even fear of death.

It is a serious societal problem with serious consequences for the community, not to mention the victims and ultimate costs for everyone. This is why the writer decided to expand on the original question, hoping that the message will get across that dating and hooking up with another is serious, and may have some serious consequences beyond a bruised ego or an std from unprotected sex.


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    • confused barbie profile image

      confused barbie 7 years ago from Ireland

      Loved your article x

    • profile image

      Lorrie 8 years ago

      Thank you for such an enlightening article. For the first time in my life, I think I understand myself.