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Parental Alienation Syndrome PAS

Updated on July 8, 2017

Divorce Child Custody Laws and PAS

What is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)? Who gets custody of the child in a high conflict divorce? The term 'parental alienation syndrome' refers to complicated issues related to divorce & child custody. PAS issues and controlling parents are rampant within divorce courts!

Child residential custody laws do not prevent aggressive parenting and the most devastating cases often result in the alienation of affection toward one parent.

Parental Alienation Syndrome PAS refers to situations when one parent undertakes a deliberate campaign to turn the child against the other and undermine the child's love for that other parent, and the innocent child then becomes a victim. Divorcing parents often use their children as pawns to hurt the ex. PAS occurs when there's an intention not just to divorce the spouse, but to completely cut the other parent out of the equation with manipulation of the children involved.

Residential custody battles in high conflict divorce are often complicated by hostile aggressive parenting, false accusations and situations where one parent alienates or brainwashes a child against the other parent with no evidence of wrongdoing. Are YOU a parent whose prior relationship with your child has been damaged due to divorce? Know one? You likely do, even if you aren't aware of it.

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) could be described as:
the emotional roller coaster of disbelief and a shattered heart experienced when a parent watches their adored and loved children fall prey to the hands of someone who hates their ex more than they love their own kids.

above image ~Magickal Graphics~

PAS is not the same as domestic abuse, yet certainly IS emotional abuse as brainwashing the mind of a child. Alarming numbers of innocent and loving parents have become separated from their own offspring after divorce.

Residential custody battles have become an easy target for the 'family court' system and for vindictive spouses who will use their own children as pawns in a battle to WIN. To win what? Read on... for it is complicated. Parent alienation syndrome (PAS) is very damaging yet not particularly well known nor understood.

Before arriving at this web page, ever hear of Parent Alienation Syndrome (PAS)?

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POLL: Ever Heard of PAS? - Is the term PAS in reference to divorce child custody laws new to you?

PAS is a critical condition which drastically effects the lives of many many families worldwide, and yet many people have never even heard of it. Have YOU?

Dr. Reay's published research study demonstrates the correlation between levels of parental alienation and psychological distress of adults. Published on Sep 9, 2013

Dr. Kathleen Reay offers a tremendous amount of direction and tools to help parents and professionals deal with the ramifications of Parental Alienation.

What happens to children who are manipulated by one parent to turn against the other? Do these children ever figure it out and reconcile with their "lost" parent?

I pray that mine do, and yours too. Amen.

HOW to Fight PAS Today!

Book, "Parent Alienation After Divorce" - from author, Rick Nischalke who co-founded the organization "Keeping Families Connected"

Parental Alienation after Divorce – Child Abuse or Hype? (Divorce Advice Book 1)
Parental Alienation after Divorce – Child Abuse or Hype? (Divorce Advice Book 1)

Would a parent intentionally alienate their own child from the other parent? Why and how might they do that? Or is it possible that one might accuse an innocent parent to gain leverage in a child custody battle? Who should we believe? What is really going on?

This short read might help separate fact from fiction. Is Parental Alienation real? And is it child abuse?


Psychological Stress and PAS

Dr. Amy Baker Speaks about PAS - "The Ties that Bind" is specifically about Parental Alienation Syndrome PAS from an expert who knows more about this controvers

Dr. Amy Baker is an author, researcher & expert about Parental Alienation Syndrome PAS. Her book "The Ties that Bind" has received the highest acclaim among books published about this controversial subject.

Dr. Baker's Book about PAS - "Breaking the Ties that Bind" is a collection of case studies from adults who were dragged throught the nightmare of parent alienat

This book is comprised of interviews of the KIDS (now adults) who were poisoned, not the parents who were either the alienator or the target parent.
Read what these people, who as children were manipulated into hating one of their parents, had to say once they "woke up" in actual quotes from numerous interviews.

Two important lessons learned from the quotes in book above:

1. The average length of time it took these kids to "wake up" was 20 years! (Many never do).

2. The overwhelming majority said they wished the targeted parent had tried harder to re-develop the relationship, regardless of how much they were "hated".

In another title by Amy Baker that's gold, this book explores PAS in a deeper way with personal narratives from the perspective of alienated parents. The inner experience of alienated parents and their children evokes ragged emotions which won't necessarily heal the pain of surviving PAS, but certainly help not to feel so alone.
Of particular interest for many is the last chapter titled "Strategies for Reconnecting with Adult Alienated Children".

Gregory Mandell Show: Excellent Intro to PAS

Animosity happens in most divorces. However, about 85% of parents do eventually get past that initial tension and figure out custody issues through mediation and/or negotiation. The remaining 10-15% are those severe cases of alienation that involve a parent who is obsessed with having a child to love them alone.

Parental Alienation Syndrome PAS is a very serious issue that is actually gender neutral. The perpetrators are NOT all female as some think. Here are interviews with three women: a counselor, a police officer and the director of the film "Jake's Closet" which is based on a true story about PAS.

This 25 minute long video below is an excellent overview about PAS.

No Way Out But One - A Shocking new Documentary about PAS

This woman had proof that her and her children were being abused, yet family courts gave full custody to the abusive dad. She left the country with her kids and was granted asylum in the Netherlands. That is unfortunately NOT the happy ending to this shocking story.

Dr. Phil TV Show and PAS - Thumbs Down

Parental Alienation Syndrome PAS on TV Talk Shows: Editorial Review of Dr. Phil from the Amputated Mom

The Dr. Phil TV show has aired some episodes about parental alienation syndrome PAS. Television COULD be an effective route to educate the public about PAS, but the Dr. Phil Show used a strategy that may even do more harm than good.

A more effective and reasonable approach would be interviewing experts and authors about parent alienation. Those interviews reveal the real facts and hidden truths that tend to fly under the radar and make PAS such a complicated topic.

Editorial comments: Such 'he said - she said'' type of public bickering serves no purpose and seems to reveal Dr. Phil's own ignorance about the realities behind PAS. Those who want to learn real facts about parental alienation syndrome PAS might consider the many MUCH better sources than the Dr. Phil TV Show.

'Advice for Divorcing Parents' by Judge Michael Haas 2001

Minnesota Judge has blunt words for divorcing parents with kids who are dealing with child custody issues and parental alienation syndrome.

"Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault.

No matter what you think of the other party-or what your family thinks of the other party-these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an "idiot" his father is, or what a "fool" his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad.

That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.

I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer."

..."These parents are generally articulate, resourceful, and competent in all other aspects of their lives - except in the realm of parenting. In fact, these individuals might easily be mistaken for ideal parents...because they profess love and concern for their children. What sets them apart from other dysfunctional parents is their overwhelming commitment to meeting their own needs first."

— Dr. Reena Sommer

Many alienating parents will be smart enough to avoid actually calling the kid a traitor, yet will punish that child in other subtle ways and reward them for being an ally in equally subtle ways. This is brainwashing and very damaging to the child, who will feel confused and yet know on some level that loving the other parent will cause trouble.

Divorce Poison New and Updated Edition: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing
Divorce Poison New and Updated Edition: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing

It would be a different world if this perspective about children, parenting and custody were required reading for every family court judge, for every family law attorney and for every parent going through a divorce.


Divorce Poison - Take ACTION about PAS - The #1 Most HIGHLY Recommended Book for Alienated Parents suffering the painful process of divorce child custody laws

Being alienated as a parent is one of the most heart-wrenching experiences some will ever endure.

Maybe the worst is that feeling that there's nothing one can do in the face of such horror.

What makes this particular book so valuable is that Dr. Warshak takes each example of alienation and then gives you a TAKE ACTION assignment on how to best combat the attempts by your ex.

"Divorce Poison" is a classic that must be read by anyone who truly cares about children and the impact that divorce has on them. .

POLL: YOUR Take on the PAS Controversy?

Should PAS be officially classified as a mental health condition?

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Parental Alienation Syndrome Laws

Controversy within family courts in part due to no established definition of PAS as a disorder in the DSM manual.

Opponents and critics of PAS argue that it does not exist in a large part because it does not appear in the Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV).

As with any condition, there is always a lag period between the time it was first identified and when it is fully embraced by the community at large (and included in such legal references). It took 95 years before Tourette's syndrome was listed in the DSM!

There are many examples of this such as: schizophrenia, cancer, attention deficit disorder, anorexia, dyslexia, HIV and AIDS. ALL of these conditions existed long before they were fully acknowledged by legal authorities and listed in references such as the DSM-IV named above. Also homosexuality was once described in the DSM as a deviant condition - but no longer.

Given that modern internet technology makes it possible for the transmissions of information and publication of research to occur much faster than ever before, one might expect that PAS will be included in legal references as a mental condition much more quickly than were the other conditions named above. Efforts are underway to classify PAS as an official mental health syndrome in the DSM manual.

However due to controversial nature of the term Parental Alienation Syndrome PAS and heavy resistance to change within the family court system, it could take years before that official listing and documentation is in place. Meanwhile, to discount the existence of PAS is to turn our backs on children who are being deprived of their right to love and be loved by both parents.

While there's broad agreement that PAS occurs and is usually triggered by a divorce and child-custody dispute, the bitter debate is about whether the condition should be formally classified as a mental health syndrome. What do YOU think? Vote below about these parent alienation laws.

Parental Alienation Syndrome PAS Controversy in the Courts

Gender wars, false accusations, lack of documentation in court manuals and lack of education about the syndrome among professionals keep the controversy alive.

The very term PAS has become controversial for many reasons:

* PAS knows no gender. Originally PAS was under attack from female groups as a male tactic used against mothers in high conflict divorce. However, both men and women are victims of PAS just as both men and women file false charges or commit acts of abuse.

* Some are false accusations. Just as there are accusers who file false charges of abuse, accusations of parent alienation are also being used falsely against innocent parents. This only makes PAS even more difficult to prove.

* Currently not a documented syndrome. While there are volumes of books and articles published regarding the subject of PAS, the family court system has yet to officially include PAS in their own accepted legal resources regarding mental disorders. Efforts are currently underway to change this, however that publication could take years to be updated.

* Lack of education among professionals involved. Many (most) professionals and decision-makers involved have not been properly educated about this syndrome, such as lawyers, judges, counselors & therapists, teachers and pediatricians. Therefore, they often make the very opposite recommendation than what might actually be in the best interest of the children involved.

"What Tigers Do" Film Based on Actual PAS Events - New film depicts actual events in a child residential custody battle.

This video is a promotional scene from "WHAT TIGERS DO," a recent feature about a child custody battle written & directed by Richmond Riedel.

In this intense and dramatic scene, a divorced father shows up on his bitter ex-wife's doorstep to pick up their 2 sons with a court order. Inspired by actual events, this film depicts the ugliness of parental alienation of a biological parent in custody battles.

Parental Alienation Laws and Child Support

Getting out of paying child support is one part of the alienating parent's personal victory, a sad shadow on divorce child custody laws.

Of the many questions people tend to ask about PAS, one of the most common is something like...'but WHY would any parent DO such a thing to their own child?'

Good question... especially given that this condition tends to be very insidious - under the radar sneaky and apparent only to those closely involved or have been educated about such a condition. Parents who would go do such damage are not very stable mentally in the first place, however they tend to be pros at creating a personal facade indicating otherwise, and will go to great lengths to impress others. Deep down it's only about THEM and only them - a narcissistic personality.

If one understands this person as a narcissist or sociopath as the frame of mind that created the problem, then the notion that a parent might make false accusations and even brainwash their own child in order to get out of paying child support is not that hard to fathom.

The custodial parent who pays child support will no longer have to pay it if they can convince the child (children) that the other parent is bad. The narcissist is a ME-ME-ME person, one who 'needs' the child (and everyone else) to adore them alone.

The sociopath is equally selfish, but also has no genuine conscience whatsoever, zero ability to feel basic human emotions such as empathy and compassion. They study people and are often quite skilled at the ACT - might be able to convince others they feel such emotions, but it's all a cunning act. Given such selfishness and complete disregard for others, getting out of child support is just another victory in the ME-ME-ME sickness.

For example, one alienated parent writes:

"After my ex left for his girlfriend, I managed to keep the house for five years somehow, but it was killing me financially to do so on my own. I'd sold most of my personal belongings on eBay to help pay the mortgage. Finally I had to let it foreclose and declare bankruptcy. Shortly afterward, my ex had me served with legal docs. No surprise that he wanted to get out of paying child support, I knew that was his ultimate goal all along. Given he had persuaded my sons to live with him, I had no reason to fight it. Yet even I was shocked that he had the nerve to demand things like that I would pay his attorney fees and even back-pay of child support. I was flat broke, bankrupt and homeless, for Pete's sake...and he KNEW it! He makes well over $100K. Sick, sick man!"

Duel: What's YOUR take about PAS?

Without clear evidence of wrongdoing on the part of the parent being alienated, then ... what?

Tensions over child custody are common in divorce. PAS is NOT about these usual tensions over custody. Instead PAS refers to situations when the issues escalate to the point where one parent is totally alienated with no logical reason, yet the child (children) have begun to act very hateful toward that parent when there once was a close and loving relationship.

Given that reality, what action shall the courts and other involved legal reps take toward this controversial issue? Many claim that parent alienation is criminal, child abuse at its worst! ...while others claim that evidence is not sufficient to make a custody decision at this time. What do YOU think?

What's YOUR Take about PAS?

What points should the family courts & all concerned consider heavily with regard to PAS?

No child should ever be alienated from a parent without any real evidence of wrongdoing.

No child should ever be alienated from a parent without any real evidence of wrongdoing.

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    • jmchaconne 3 years ago

      Sexual abuse is a horrible crime, and it seems that if there is no hard evidence, the automatic assumption is guilt of the accused, even if the an official charge was never made. The stigmatization and embarrassment attached, can be equally as horrible for the accused.

    • BigRedDomino 4 years ago

      PAS-I knew there had to be a name/specific condition for that crap!

    • EdwardMartin1133 4 years ago

      PAS is real!

    • DanielTorri 4 years ago

      I'd agree with this

    • anonymous 4 years ago

      PAS not only disrups a childs life, it hurt the other parent. What the parent or family who are usingPAS don't realise is all they are doing is pushing the child further and further away from them!!! It also not just mothers slating fathers in my case its the other way around and his mother also. Sadly it can't be used as evidence and I'd hate to take her away from him Ive had to because she comes home crying some times!! Though I can not wait until this is sorted out so she can see her other family!!

    • IssacAlouf 4 years ago


    • randyg217 4 years ago

      It is without a doubt that two loving parents are in a despute about who gets to raise the children. As with any dispute.. evidence of wrong doing has to play a major role. now if we were to set aside the evidence and look at the parents intent as to why they should be the caregiver to the children.. we would see what "second-hand" effects would be placed on the children. it's not without some level of difficulty to figure out which parent has true intentions to the effects on a childs mental health. EXAMPE: parent A wishes to distant the child and and raise the child away from the other parent in search of a life for self, even after an agreed commitmen., parent B wishes to resolve any differences and wishes to remain a family entity for the sake of the children and to keep with an agreed commitment. now place the evidence here as a support to which parent is family oriented.

    • christylsalas 4 years ago

      PAS should definitely be considered; time is of the essence in a situation such as this. I am a victim of PAS, but the alienating parent wasn't my ex, it was my own mother. The pain that I feel can NOT be described through words.

    • anonymous 4 years ago

      It should be listed in the DSM. I was a child, teenage victim of PAS. I KNEW my parents had me in the middle of their spying on each other, that i was " pumped" and used for information by both. It really messed me up as a teen and i acted out in all sorts of ways. Neither parent valued ( honestly and selflessly) myself and my 3 siblings. It was a horrible mess. My narcissistic mother involved a boyfriend who was inappropriate grabbing me ( all in play -right) st age 13 to 15. It was an awful traumatic time. I fought back and told her b.f. to keep his effing dirty hands off me. My father had made sure he forewarned me at about age 12 about boundaries and inappropriate touching. Although once my mother made him leave he also used me, and pumped me for personal information about my m. And boyfriend. My father had a mental breakdown and in Aug. Of 1969 shot my mothers boyfriend in our family kitchen in front of all 4 of us children and my mother in the middle of dinner. Courts, social workers, advocates for children need to be in close proximity. Back in 68 and 69, 70 we ( children) received NO intervention and went immediately back to school five days after this horrendous incident with not one adult addressing the situation. I have strong feelings about valuing and protecting children. Some people should NOT be allowed to procreate! I have worked it through with therapy on my own as I got older and am comfortable in my self now and have beenfor awhile. They certainly taught me what not to do! Courts, advocates msw's, casa, anyone involved with children needto be involved and stay on top of this kind of abuse because it IS abuse! I don't know how or what to suggest.Possibly start in 9th grade with parenting awareness classes through senior year and into college. This is a tough one because of laws etc. And peoples civil liberties. There should be classes and some kind of testing if you wanton have children or if you want to have foster children. The foster system is another mess! Although thank God, there are SOME great foster parents out there. Courts should NOT be so quick to give innocent, helpless children back to the bio parent!

    • anonymous 4 years ago

      I say, if allegations are brought up during a divorce each party should have to be evaluated by a doctor and take a polygraph test. Then if the judge is convinced one parent has alienated they should go to prison for a period of time.

    • anonymous 4 years ago

      PAS can start at an early age even before the child knows what is going on and is brought up thinking what is said and is being done is right one the things that should be seen by the courts is the parent that has custody trying to stop the other from having anything to do with the child and trying to make them suffer using the kids as a weapon even tho its something small in the courts eyes it will just grow and get worse with the age of the child things like that should be noticed and also this can lead to other things that effects the parent without custody

    • dustypratillo 4 years ago

      No child... no child!

    • AnneMonique 4 years ago

      Children need both parents. Unless the NCP is abusive, he/she should not be kept away from the kid(s). Unfortunately, too many parents use the kid as a way to get back at the other one ( like, well, you cheated on me so now you won't see your child). I wish adult could learn to be adults and live the kids out of it.

    • Onemargaret LM 4 years ago

      What the child wants and how the relationship (or lack thereof) will adversely affect that child's overall well-being.

    • VanessaMichael 4 years ago

      Sad :(

    • JennaBaxton 4 years ago

      No one should ever have to deal with this...

    • justmelucy 4 years ago

      I had to leave my children in order to escape a very abusive situation with their father. I went to court to get my twin girls back. Please note he and I were never married but lived as husband and wife for 2 years. During the legal process I did get temporary custody of my girls. He was given a visitation by the judge and told to return the girls to me at our court appearance the following week. He did not return to court as ordered. It was almost 3 months before he and my girls were located. Through threats to me and my other children, stalking me at work and at my home, despite the 50B protection order he forced me physically into signing my custody rights over to him. Ever since he has continued to disrupt my life. My girls suffered lies, verbal abuse and neglect by him and felt abandoned by me. Now 17 years old, one daughter is open to me but not the other due to his favoritism. I blame my attorney, the courts for not representing me or my girls in this matter. It basically came down to him being louder and more obnoxious than myself.

    • anonymous 5 years ago

      * The the role of any parent, regardless of gender, is not primarily about money.

      * That parents made homeless by child support are AUTOMATICALLY victims of PA.

      * That any parent who contrives to destroy the parent-child relation through financial means, through legal means, or psychological means is to be assumed to be abusive.

      * That FEDERALLY funded COUNTY courts exist for the sole purpose of collecting child support but having no jurisdiction to enforce custody is indicative of the agenda-driven blindness to the real problem.

    • dariameister 5 years ago

      It's important to remember that the child would not just be being alienated from a person, but from a network of people; the parent's family and social circle.

    • anonymous 5 years ago

      I have been going through this for eight years and now the judge is allowing her to move across Canada with my children and it has cost me 6000.00 .I don;t have the money to file an appeal. She has not answered my calls so I can talk to my children, her new husband . even documented won't work. there is nothing left to do. The judge said he is granting this so her nd her husband can spend more time together nd she can be a stay at home mom. I have called cps to report physical and emotional abuse and the check it out but come back saying it was accidental. my children lived with me for a year with an occational call from their mother. when I spoke to maintenace they became extremely rude with me. So I lose my children because it came down to money.

    PAS is an interesting concept, but until legally documented it cannot be considered in the courtroom.

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      • TomasWilliams 4 years ago

        Research is needed!

      • HughLasso 4 years ago

        We can't just go around makin' stuff up!... in my opinion

      • anonymous 5 years ago

        Unto you therefore which believe [he is] precious: but unto them which be disobedient, the stone which the builders disallowed, the same is made the head of the corner,

        1 Peter 2:7

      • MoiraCrochetsPl 5 years ago

        This issue about breaking families is so strange to me although I know it happens. I've seen a lot of movies depicting PAS but never knew anyone who experienced it.

        Sometimes I think that anything that's wrong with how people cope with pain, Americans always bring to court. It's like people want to control other people's behavior, to conform to a certain behavior - which is like an oxymoron because America is founded on the concept of freedom. The way they treat their children, protecting them from all possible pain, is like a statement that pain is not essential to life, that we should all shun pain.

        But in order to have a full life a person must endure pain to fully appreciate happiness. If PAS is the route that God gave to a person, then surely, God has a plan for that knot to be unraveled in due time.

        But then again, I'm just a person from a third world country. Who am I to tell people how to live their lives, much more how to run their country.

      • curious0927 5 years ago

        No matter what the Family Court decides, If a parent alienates his children, even though the court as recorded that he have then every Wed, + every other week-end, the parent that is alienating, does not have to have these visit's. Like Diane James said, I also did all the raising without anything for myself. I was glad he didn't pick them up very much. I knew one or all three would come home upset. He is a miserable person and spreads it to his children. He is toxic, I am happy to give up any future "husband" or relationship as this would be bad for them too,. He treat's his dog's better than he treat's his children. If a court forced him to be with his children, it would devastate them. I have not said bad things about him, I cannot talk to him or even exchange emails as his tone is always negative. They are older now and hurt over the absence of their father. There are seemingly small hurts that have turned out to be very hard on my children due to his behavior, however, I thank God no one forced him to take them on the required dates, they would not have survived it. I gave everything to them, they are good students and good people. I did it alone. The worst of it all is that we now have to move because of financial difficulties and there is really not anyway we can get him to help us. What's done is done. My issue is one that our Government should be looking at., We have worked, taken care of them alone and now are broke with no good jobs in site to finish raising them. We get no food stamps as they changed the "limit" on income. It goes on..won't bore you anymore with details. We are slipping through the cracks with NO HOPE.

      • anonymous 5 years ago

        The child has a right to a relationship with both parents, it is not either parents right to anything. I try my best to cushion my kids from their fathers plain evil treatment of them, I beg them to keep in contact with him so that they don't grow up not knowing their roots. (also I would love a break from them at weekends, I'm constantly parenting and while he has had lots of relationships I haven't been able to have one, because the kids are here most of the time, I have no life now!) They dislike their father as he has always let them down, he gets his mum to care for them on his weekends, he refuses to buy them things they need at his house (like sanitary towels for my eldest daughter) and he puts girlfriends needs before theirs. Now he is accusing me of PAS because his kids don't like him!!! PAS...maybe in some situations, but sorry dad's if your kids don't like you , maybe you should look at your behaviour first! Calling PAS is just dumping yet more rubbish on single mums, we are demonised at every turn yet most of us are just trying to shield the kids we love from irresponsible fathers.

      • gypsyman27 lm 5 years ago

        I went to my son on this one (God, I'm getting old!) as he is a law student. He agreed that this shouldn't be considered in court as it would be difficult to prove. He is a child of divorce and he grew up with me (may God forgive me:~)) and so he had some experience with this problem. I encouraged him to love his mother despite what he imagined she might have done to hurt him. (she left him and his older brother, literally on my doorstep and went off to smoke crack with her new male friend) I always kept my feelings out of the equation, I did not encourage him to hate his mother, but he never got over being left like he was. Sometimes the children will have their own thoughts on what should be right. No court can override that. See you around the galaxy...

      • PamelaU 5 years ago

        Unless parental alienation is documented and classified, with firm legal boundaries, criteria etc etc, then it does just exist as an amorphous cluster of actions and behaviours. More research and legislation is needed to firm the concept up so that courts and aggrieved parents have something real to fight against.

        Here in the UK, many parents claim that their ex is using these tactics, but when subjected to scrutiny, these accusations turn out to be exaggerated and/or unfounded. This is why we need a legitimate legal framework for this abusive (and it is abusive) behaviour so that it can be dealt with properly.

      • anonymous 5 years ago

        Change in this area and in the courts is so slow and in the mean time the lives of children are being altered forever, may we do better. I agree with you that until the high and mighty are affected, PAS will not be given priority.

      • Carolan Ross 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

        Most every condition described in the DSM manual existed LONG before they were granted space in that almighty book. Legal 'experts' with NO real exposure to the harsh realities of PAS will dismiss it on the basis of semantics and science. What 'can be considered in the courtroom' is often ludicrous, and not 'legally documented' as acceptable evidence until it becomes such a viral issue it can no longer be ignored. As usual with monkey business in the family courts, no one there cares about anything but their out-dated legal jargon, and using their power to get a ruling at the highest fee rate possible so they can take off to the gold course.

      • Carolan Ross 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

        I predict that until PAS happens to some court judge or other person in a prominent and powerful position, the process will unfortunately move through legal red tape at a snail's pace.

      • MargoPArrowsmith 6 years ago

        Well, it may not be legal, but family court judges make subjective rulings all the time, so there is nothing really stopping them.

      PAS in Action: Sly Trickery - A not so funny cartoon... too true & too sad!

      PAS From a Child's Point of View

      The man in this video has suffered dearly, yet continues to stay focused in the fight for the well-being of his two sons who happen to be around the same ages as mine. His book "A Family's Heartbreak" appears below the video.

      Michael Jeffries and Rick Nischalke created a wonderfully supportive website about PAS that gets rave reviews from this author as part of the solution!

      "If you ever doubted Parental Alienation exists or don't understand how it could happen, you need to see this parental alienation video. It will be life-changing! It portrays the emotional brainwashing that happens to a child during the parental alienation process." Rick Nischalke

      A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation
      A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation

      A Family's Heartbreak" is a must read for anyone who suspects that PAS is working its way into his or her life.


      A Family's Heartbreak - by Michael Jeffries

      This author, Michael Jeffries, has used the trauma and tragedy of his own personal nightmare to show how what would seem unbelievable CAN actually occur.

      His book is highly rated in that it quite vividly illustrates in detail just how far a close parent-child relationship can fall due to forced parent alienation.

      A right on target perspective about what unbelievable nightmares can occur as a result of PAS.

      This author also keeps an active blog of this same title. Link below.

      Parentectomy - A Clever Book Title about Parental Alienation Syndrome PAS - Highly recommended by this amputated mom, this clever title provides the emotional s

      If you want to learn more about PAS and how it is perpetrated, this book "Parentectomy" will enlighten you.

      If you are caught in the grips of parental alienation and the devastating consequences it has on those entangled in it, this book will validate you, restore your confidence, and raise your spirits.

      While it does FEEL as though we've had a 'parentectomy' we do still remain loving moms and dads. The challenge is parenting within a world that generally does not 'see' nor support this issue as critical.

      "This book is an eye-opener for parents and professionals to witness the breakdown of parental bonds due to revenge. You will find comfort in this emotional roller coaster as a mother finds her way in the world while battling her ex to continue to be what she always was -- a mother."
      --Chrissy Chrzanowski, Founder-Parental Alienation Hurts --PAHurts

      Expect gender bias in family court. Men & women are treated differently. Be prepared to counteract this bias.

      FILM: "Jake's Closet" about Child Custody Nightmares - If only the judges, lawyers and couselors were required to watch this heartwrenching film about PAS throu


      "Jake’s Closet" delivers an unforgettably powerful suspense film seen through the eyes of a little boy coping with his parents' divorce. It takes you on a deeply moving journey as Jake painfully views the horrors of his parents’ escalating divorce. He finds himself haunted by something ominous lurking in his bedroom closet.

      When Jake finally confronts the presence in his closet, it leads him to a chilling revelation in a climax you’ll never forget. Hidden inside the heart of this edge-of-your-seat haunting tale is a profound and long overdue film that reveals the loss of innocence and heart-wrenching pain suffered by children of high conflict divorce

      A Kidnapped Mind: A Mother's Heartbreaking Memoir of Parental Alienation
      A Kidnapped Mind: A Mother's Heartbreaking Memoir of Parental Alienation

      This story details one mother's efforts to stop her ex husband from alienating her son from her ... and his ultimate death through suicide. She does everything she thinks is the right thing to do, but ultimately it did not work. She shares her painful hindsight advice to all parents who are going through

      Parental Alienation Syndrome is real, this heart-wrenching story is proof.


      "A Kidnapped Mind" True Story - Heartbreaking True Story of a Suicide as a Result of Parental Alienation Syndrome PAS

      This true story is excruciatingly painful to read. With rare courage and brutal honesty, a mother and former Vancouver broadcaster Pamela Richardson tells the tragic tale of her son's suicide...

      "A Kidnapped Mind" takes readers on a real life emotional roller-coaster ride. Its message is that whenever possible, former partners and the justice system should work together to ensure that children maintain strong and positive relationships with BOTH parents.

      "Parental alienation is a series of seemingly innocent mis-communication, or concerns for the well-being of a child; and it is only when the dots are connected that you see the complete picture."

      — Pisarra, LA attorney
      Welcome Back Pluto: Understanding, Preventing, and Overcoming Parental Alienation
      Welcome Back Pluto: Understanding, Preventing, and Overcoming Parental Alienation

      "Pluto" should be a standard part of the curriculum of co-parenting classes, parent education workshops, and anger management groups. Lawyers and therapists will want to hand out copies to clients to prevent children from becoming casualties of divorce and to help those at various stages of alienation to restore positive relationships with their parents."

      --From The American Journal of Family Therapy


      "Welcome Back Pluto" Film - Divorce Poisin - This unique film portrays PAS in a way designed for both parents and children affected by parent alienation.

      Featuring Dr. Richard Warshak, author of Divorce Poison...

      the first ever program designed for parents and children to watch together, this film is an essential resource for rejected, alienated, and estranged parents.

      This moving DVD is an indispensable and welcome addition to the growing field of information about parental alienation of children.

      ...but what can I DO?

      How can I help fight

      against PAS?

      — You?

      HOW to HELP Fight Against PAS

      Silence is Violence! Speak UP! Get Parental Alienation Syndrome PAS out of the closet and into the media and minds of especially those closely involved.

      How to Help? We're glad you asked. SPREAD THE WORD about PAS!

      Do that in whatever way (s) you can. Here are just a few examples:

      *E-mail a link to this web page or others about PAS to people you know.

      *Post on facebook about PAS.

      *Give a book to a friend, even a stranger, as a gift.

      *Ask your local library to order some of the book titles listed here.

      *If you have a web site or blog, consider publishing about PAS.

      *Write a book review for your local paper or web site.

      *Ask your favorite radio show to book the author as a guest.

      *Own a shop or business, or know someone who does? Consider a display of books about PAS.

      *Buy books and donate them to homeless shelters, prisons, rehabilitation and group homes.

      *College students in psychology, counseling, social work or any mental health field might ask professors to incorporate parental alienation into their course overviews and put parental alienation books on their reading lists.

      Counselors or therapists who are uninformed are unable to 'see' the abuse hidden behind a charming facade. This can and will enable the situation to only become worse.

      "Children do not naturally lose interest in and become distant from their nonresidential parent simply by virtue of the absence of that parent.

      Also, healthy and established parental relationships do not erode naturally of their own accord. They must be attacked."

      — Michael Bone and Michael Walsh, Florida Bar Journal, March 1999

      'Joint Custody with a Jerk' - Excellent book to support those who are stuck in the tragedy of PAS nightmares with an uncooperative spouse in child custody.

      Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex
      Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex

      An excellent book that reveals the horrors of parent alienation and offers specific suggestions regarding how to respond to this type of conflict.


      Common Questions about Parental Alienation Syndrome PAS

      Disbelief is a common could this BE? Get educated and spread the word, because this disbelief reaction must be faced.

      The basic questions most everyone ask about this controversial issue of PAS include:

      1. How can he/she [the parent] DO that to their OWN child ?

      2. Doesn't he/she realize how badly that child is being hurt?

      3. Why can't (fill in the blank -- your attorney, the judge, the psychologist, the police) do anything to help?

      These are questions any affected parent will ask, desperately looking for an answer. But these are also key questions professionals should ask, and often do NOT.

      These question should open up a new, very important perspective. From a mental health viewpoint, consider that most often these questions relate to a parent who is often very highly educated, one that we'd expect to fully understand the dramatic, even lifelong consequences of destroying the relationship of the child with the other parent.

      In such severe cases of parental alienation, the alienated parent will not develop any insight into what he or she is doing to the child, will not see that it is psychological abuse. Such a parent also will NOT see a mental health professional with a genuine desire of being helped, but will reject anyone who does not exactly support their own view. So conventional psychotherapy will not work. Therefore, the legal and mental health system fail to prevent child abuse by parental alienation with its serious long term consequences.

      What Causes Parental Alienation Syndrome PAS?

      Parent who alienate have serious unresolved personal issues.

      "What causes a parent to want to damage the relationship of their own child with the other parent at their own child's expense? Intentions differ from one parent to the next, but psychologists have suggested the following as potential motivators:

      An alienating parent may:

      * have unresolved anger toward the other parent for perceived wrongs during the relationship and may be unable to separate those issues from parenting issues.

      * have unresolved issues from their childhood, particularly in how they related to their own parents. He or she projects this onto the other parent (whether or not it's factually accurate).

      * have a personality disorder, such as narcissism or paranoia. A narcissist is unable to empathize with the child's feelings or see the way their behavior is harming the child. Such personality disorders may also result in jealousy and/or extreme rage toward the other parent.

      * be so insecure as to his or her own parenting skills that he or she projects those concerns onto the other parent, regardless of reality.

      * be so wrapped up in their child's life that he or she has no separate identity. The child's relationship with the other parent is seen as a threat.


      The Child and PAS

      What causes a child to buy into the alienating parent's brainwashing?

      The child may:

      * Feel the need to protect a parent who's depressed, panicky or needy

      * Want to avoid the anger or rejection of a dominant parent, who's also often the custodial parent

      * Want to hold onto the parent the child is most afraid of losing, such as a parent who is self-absorbed or not very involved with the child."


      A mother wrote: "Maybe one day I'll understand what went through their heads, what on earth they were thinking? Their dad had a girlfriend, snuck around with her, lied about it and even told THEM to lie about her too. Dad chose to move out and divorce. I'd quit my job when they were tiny babies and devoted my everything to raising them, was the primary caregiver who was there for them while dad was often absent. So how on earth can they find ME to be the guilty one? Will I ever understand?"

      PAS Alerts to Psychologists

      Training about PAS and Narcissism is Critical to being in a position to support those who are being manipulated by PAS and divorce child custody laws.

      Often what counselors see is very charming behavior from a well-spoken and professional adult. Narcissists tend to also be very accomplished liars, even to the point of being confused at the difference between truth and lies since putting on a show of being someone else becomes such a huge part of the personality. In order to recognize PAS, a therapist would need to see beyond the charming facade.

      Maybe this client is wealthy or at least offers financial support and might very well hold a professional position. That's about money, but how much actual time does this person spend parenting? Take note of what is said and whether a client contradicts his or her own statements, which could very well be a red flag.

      True story: One woman was finally able to get cooperation from her ex for counseling regarding custody and parenting issues in a high conflict divorce. However the therapist was totally duped by the charms of her ex and supported his lies. Counseling after only a few sessions and the mom eventually lost her sons to the manipulative and alienating dad. The therapist was blind to this and actually supported his manipulation.

      Prior to this experience, the very same man had actually attacked his wife inside a marriage counselor's office, and was referred to counseling for abuse. However he'd been very charming before that day in a different office, and so the therapist had no clue. This was years prior to the divorce and sessions regarding custody, yet repeated trips to counselors lacked understanding nor support about the actual reality of the situation.

      If those involved in furthering the pain of PAS (judges, lawyers, family courts, therapists, etc.) had ever experienced it themselves, they'd likely be suicidal.

      The ultimate ignorance is speaking out about issues you know nothing about.

      Controlling Minds & High Conflict Divorce - Ever tried to walk two dogs at once and feel they are ripping you apart?

      How it Feels to be an Alienated Parent

      Healing from the nightmare of PAS seems never-ending. Divorce child custody laws and the manipulation of family courts can be devastating.

      "Each day I grieve and struggle with the loss of my sons. I feel like I just don't know how to get through it ... how not to throw down the rest of my life and cry out at the unfairness and horror of losing them in this way. But nobody died, and so people rarely understand. So I keep living and writing and shopping for groceries and paying the bills and trying to pretend I am not grieving every day, every hour... praying for them and wondering how they are doing and what maybe I ought to be doing that I'm not doing. I have to just tell myself to just STOP, stop even thinking of them in order to even function from day to day. They were such a HUGE part of me, live nearby and yet... they are gone. Birthdays and holidays come and go, and soon my first born son will graduate from high school. I want to share this and other milestones in the life of my heart."

      "He can't hurt me much more than he already has done, yet he still tries now and then. Words cannot express the intense despair I feel to see the mind games he continues to play with my sons. I pray they'll one day escape his hold on them. They are older now and not around him much anymore, but he uses his money to manipulate them. He has married the girlfriend, no surprise for he'll always need some victim. She and I have never met. I know exactly why my ex doesn't want us to ever meet each other. Will it ever occur to her?"

      --amputated mom

      The Effects of Family & Friends on PAS Pain

      Could there be a PAS story in someone you know?

      We all know people who've divorced and hear stories, but did you ever consider that maybe there's MUCH more to that divorce story than you had any idea? Those who buy a story that is not true often contribute to the problem, especially if they repeat it to others.

      Some are quite clever in hiding the truth, and this is particularly true of parents who alienate. Those who buy the story only contribute to the problem.

      For example, one dad tells family members and friends how his sons are free to see their mom anytime they like when this is not the case at all and hasn't been for years. Most believe his lies, especially those with no contact with the mom. The others know better.

      Another example: Mom suddenly began receiving phone calls from friends and even business partners, concerned that she is an alcoholic. Dad planted the seed and it worked on many of them, who continued spreading this story. Fortunately, all close friends from the era of the marriage remain close to that mom now a decade later. The business partners are gone, and so is that business.

      Assumptions of 'truth' only add to the pain. These kids never asked for their parents to divorce. nor do they want to be in the middle of an ugly war between their parents.

      No matter how well you think you know a person, do not spread rumors. Without face-to-face personal contact with a person, any words spoken about them are rumors. Do not judge nor assume.

      Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Divorce - from the Huffington Post

      Recent article delves below the surface of the kinds of games often played in courtrooms by those with narcissistic personality disorder.

      Teenagers and PAS

      While young children may be most vulnerable to manipulation, teenagers are easily manipulated too.

      The child may also be manipulated by the alienating parent with money and privileges that the other parent would refuse to give. This tactic works especially well with teenagers. If dad will buy him a car and let him hang with his friends for extended periods of time regardless of grades and personal responsibility, this leaves an easy choice for a teenager wanting to escape the entire mess in the first place. Teens tend not to desire emotional closeness with their parents anymore, but money and privileges will almost always matter highly.

      Comment from one mom of teenagers: "My ex bought my 17 year old son a car. At that time my son had failing grades in school, so I would not have agreed to this. A few months later my son was arrested for possession of drugs. Dad hired a lawyer to delete the charge. No communication with me about either event. Both actions were totally out of bounds in terms of our 'parenting agreement'. Yet he and his lawyers still got away with it."

      Teenagers who are tangled inside the web of PAS may tend to emit a unique set of circumstances. They might be particularly prone to a sense of entitlement and at the same time have not much in the way of an emotional relationship with either parent. The alienating parent will often deliver a regular flow of money and privileges, which only increases dependency (and lack of maturity and responsible behavior).

      The Sociopath Next Door
      The Sociopath Next Door

      A most chilling and thought-provoking look at how common sociopaths are in our society, estimated at one in every four people! The most alarming variable is a complete lack of conscience. Note that sociopaths are also often highly intelligent, and that they are quite skilled at the ACT of displaying behaviors that appear to represent compassion, empathy, etc. however a deeper look reveals this as just that, an ACT. Underneath there is no conscience whatsoever.


      PAS and the Sociopath

      Parents who inflict such pain on their own children are certainly selfish. That narcissism is evident as a key in understanding PAS. This book is not about Parental Alienation Syndrome, however it might take that insight about it a step further.

      While narcissistic behaviors are certainly involved in PAS, the sociopath is one who has no conscience whatsoever. They live a life of inflicting pain with no genuine remorse feelings at all. They are cunning enough to ACT as though they feel such at times, but those actual emotions felt by a person with a conscience are deplete in a sociopath.

      So then to the inevitable PAS question..."But HOW could a person DO this to their own children?"

      If we understand this person as a sociopath, then that answer is simple - This person has no concience!

      Shout OUT about Parent Alienation - Have you been victim to PAS and divorce child custody laws? PAS Comments Welcome and Appreciated

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        • Heather426 profile image

          Heather Burns 6 years ago from Wexford, Ireland

          I am so sorry you are having to deal with PAS. I think the kids will see truth. it just might take time. virtual hugs to you!

        • Linda BookLady profile image

          Linda Jo Martin 6 years ago from Post Falls, Idaho, USA

          I'm in the same situation, I guess you could say. I was alienated from my two oldest daughters who lived with their father and his girlfriend. I wasn't allowed to have a normal relationship with them and was lied about by my ex in family court. He said, "All's fair in love and war," and really meant it. He also told me I would never get my children back because he didn't want to pay child support. I don't know what they did or said to make my daughters turn against me. Crazy lies like telling them I never washed or brushed their hair... and the girls believed it! I guess kids are easily brainwashed. Anyhow, they're much older now.

          My oldest daughter started speaking to me again when she was 18 and she's been on good terms with me ever since. The younger sister, however, still won't speak to me and won't even tell me why. Never has. I guess she just thinks I'm evil or bad... and of course it breaks my heart and the pain never goes away. She's 29 now... and it's been long past time for her to recover. I wonder if she ever will. Oh, and these two girls are no longer on speaking terms.

          I have three other children who weren't involved in all that... so I feel very fortunate to have four children that love me; still I worry about the one who doesn't.

        • profile image

          grannysage 6 years ago

          The words you used to describe yourself, "amputated mom" really hit home. That is exactly how I feel. A whole part of me was cut off and probably will never grow back. The issue revolved around religion and that I "abandoned" my children, something they still believe. I was very, very naïve and believed that we would be like many divorced couples and share custody. I was ever so wrong. The pain is always there, but I have learned to let go of the guilt. Thank you for sharing this.

        • darciefrench lm profile image

          darciefrench lm 6 years ago

          I could write another lens in response- the timing is impeccable as PAS issues are rampant in my family- not just parent to child but grandparent to grandchild. I was officially amputated on FB by my middle daughter this morning in part for speaking to this truth.(FYI your pics are rotating different sizes and making the lens jump)

        • profile image

          OFW 6 years ago

          Avoid parental alienation by staying involved, create documentation with easy online sharing of Child Custody Calendars, parenting time schedules, shared expenses, family information and more.

        • MargoPArrowsmith profile image

          MargoPArrowsmith 6 years ago

          In my professional career, I have seen so much of this and I have lived it personally. You did a great job here and I am nominating this for a purple star. Its an amazing and vitally important lens

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          @MargoPArrowsmith: Thanks SO much, Margo. Pieces of my heart are invested here and awareness of PAS is critical to healing and healthy solutions for those affected by it.

        • LissaKlar LM profile image

          LissaKlar LM 6 years ago

          I'm always baffled by the way people act! This is heartbreaking. You and your boys look so happy in the pics I can't even imagine. At least you are getting the word out. Great lens.

        • profile image

          beyond-cooking 6 years ago

          This is a great lens, two of my good friends are going through some of the worst PAS I have heard of. This lens is full of great advice and links to just about everything you need to know. Well done

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          @beyond-cooking: THANKS and I hope you forwarded it since that is the main reason I created this website, for support for others and to simply get the word out so that others don't have to suffer through this nightmare alone.

        • LissaKlar LM profile image

          LissaKlar LM 6 years ago

          Just saw that Law & Order: LA did an episode on PAS. I believe it was the last week in January.

        • profile image

          anonymous 6 years ago

          Unfortunately, abusers are screaming "parental alienation" in the courts to cover their abuse of innocent children. My ex-husband perjured himself on the stand for five days and the judge accepted all of his lies and overlooked the testimony of two counselors and two 15 and 16 year old children as well as their pediatrician who all testified that the reason the children did not want to spend time with their father is that they were afraid of him; that he himself had alienated them with his negative behavior towards me and his complete disregard for their well being. Not only did the judge continue visitation, which had been requested to be suspended until my ex underwent psychological evaluation, he gave primary physical custody of my three youngest children to my ex. It is often the parent making the accusations who has alienated the children all on their own. My children have subsequently suffered emotional and physical abuse for the past nine months while this has gone through appeals court - Please be cautious in your accusations and judges in your decisions!!

        • TapIn2U profile image

          TapIn2U 6 years ago

          This is just sad. It's common to many parents who are going through a divorce. Sometimes we get too preoccupied with our own emotions and relationship issues that we forget the most important thing and should be top priority: our children. It's bad enough that they have to witness their parents fight and being encouraged by one to hate the other is torture for them. Fantastic lens! Sundae ;-)

        • profile image

          getbackup 6 years ago

          What a great lens! Sorry for what you're going through. Hope things change with more awareness & all the people trying to fight these injustices. God Bless!

        • profile image

          LetLoveBe 5 years ago

          God bless you for putting this page together. What an amazing amount of work. Anyone who would do this is obviously hurting. I can relate to your sense of "amputation"--that is excactly how I have felt since my ex has alienated my daughter from me. His 5th wife is assisting him, but I know she is just being manipulated. I am wondering if I should create and upload a video on YouTube of photos and a song. I think she might come across it. I love my daughter, Elizabeth "Izzy" Hickman, and nothing can ever change that.

        • profile image

          anonymous 5 years ago

          Here is a video of my experience with spousal abuse and parental alienation. I was married to someone who I knew had a high-conflict personality, but I was completely blindsided by what happened during our divorce. I hope others will learn from my experience and will take measures to protect their children before it's too late. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks.

          Warning, strong language.

        • profile image

          tomskids 5 years ago

          This may be the best lens on Squidoo. Very good work here. Please, keep it up!!!

        • profile image

          Traceeshobbies 5 years ago

          I would love to be able to speak to some of these professionals they are so few and far between. We need more people willing to help our children. Thank you so much for your information!!

        • Nancy Hardin profile image

          Nancy Carol Brown Hardin 5 years ago from Las Vegas, NV

          I'm forwarding this link to my daughter. She needs to know this really exists, not just with her family, but throughout the world of divorces. Thanks for sharing.

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          @Nancy Hardin: Mostly the people who are aware of PAS are those it happened to, and often even therapists and counselors don't have a clue about it. Hope your daughter find solace at least to know there are others, and she might click the link to the partner page which is more about SUPPORT for victims of PAS.

        • priscillab profile image

          priscillab 5 years ago

          Wow. This happened to my husband and I hope that someday his boys will make the choice to find out the truth. It is painful to see a parent punished when they are actually the parent who cares. I feel for you and I am grateful that you made this lens to educate others. I will share it with others that I know who are in the midst of ugly disputes.

        • Shorebirdie profile image

          Shorebirdie 5 years ago from San Diego, CA

          Wow, I'm a child of divorce and my parents never said anything bad about each other to me. I'm glad I didn't have to go through this.

        • hsschulte profile image

          hsschulte 5 years ago

          I strongly suspect that most parents who are guilty of this have abusive personalities. In my favorite book about abuse, "Why Does He Do That?" it describes similar behaviors during divorce, not only to alienate the kids, but family and friends as well.

        • profile image

          greenlungsofpoland 5 years ago

          I found it very difficult listening to my mother and grandmother complain about my father and all his faults after he left us and still today more than 25 years later i have a lot of resentment towards that period in my life. Great lens well thought through great topic very valid

        • Totus Mundus profile image

          Totus Mundus 5 years ago

          Very interesting, informative lens. Thank you.

        • profile image

          getmoreinfo 5 years ago

          First time I have heard of this condition, thanks for the information.

        • profile image

          haroutot 5 years ago

          Thanks for the Info!

        • Chris-H LM profile image

          Chris-H LM 5 years ago

          Of the thousands of hours I've spent on Squidoo, both enjoying other lenses and creating my own I am most grateful for THIS hour and for THIS lens.

          I was a child victim of PAS, however after years of separation I mended bridges with my father and a great weight was lifted from me. Still, there were 10 plus years lost, and a lot of pain and anguish.

          But what really breaks my heart is that years later I am again experiencing the numbing pain of PAS abuse--only now as an amputated parent. My kids have no idea the extent to which they were manipulated by my ex. It was machiavellian and sadly continues to this day.

          I gave up everything so they wouldn't have to spend all of their time with someone who tries to control every aspect of their lives. They were all that mattered to me. I was lured into moving out on the false promise of my ex that we would share custody. Sadly, they were soon cut off from me, both via legal deceit and more insidiously through Parental Alienation. My daughter will not even speak to me now, and we were once so close.

          I grieve for my kids. It never seems to stop. They are missing out on a great dad, and there are memories that might have been but sadly now will never be. I love them.

          Sometimes the only way I can bear it is the thought that at least they exist. I had some time with them and there is yet the possibility that one day there will be more. I can only hope. I do not want to spend the rest of my life with that thought as my only comfort.

          I miss them. And it's a hole so big I cannot see the other side. I sometimes wonder if it mirrors something they too feel, but cannot yet face.

        • profile image

          megabu717 5 years ago

          I have already given my thumb's up this lens before and now I'm pleased to see it on the front page. Congrants on LOD.

        • Zut Moon profile image

          Zut Moon 5 years ago

          WOW ... what amazing info here. This definitely belongs in my self-destructive behaviour lens and will be featured there. Thanks.

        • Close2Art LM profile image

          Close2Art LM 5 years ago

          Great Lens, Thumbs up, I also like the Keith Haring intro photo, it's a piece he did about Domestic Violence awareness...I just happened to make a lens about his work and it caught my eye, I'm glad it did. Blessed!!!!

        • Zut Moon profile image

          Zut Moon 5 years ago

          Oh and I forgot to mention this is sort of one of the reasons why my daughter committed suicide - because her parents were not able or willing to put her first !!!

        • katiecolette profile image

          katiecolette 5 years ago

          This is the first time I hear the "PAS" term, but I know of kids who experienced it... I am so sorry, I hope you reunite with your child soon. Sometimes it takes years (I have a friend who got custody back after 8 years of fighting for her child - it all came down to when she had more money to hire better lawyers), just keep fighting!

        • profile image

          jimmyworldstar 5 years ago

          I've heard of this behavior, it's really awful because it undermines a child's ability to have a stable family life and their development.

        • truorder profile image

          truorder 5 years ago

          you have a wealth of helpful information here. I personally am not divorced, but I have friends going through this. I will send them here to learn more. Thank you.

        • peachplanet profile image

          peachplanet 5 years ago

          great lens and great way to raise awareness

        • profile image

          anonymous 5 years ago

          Happy that Squidoo choose this article as the lens of the day, the awareness to others is important. *blessed*

        • SquidooMBA profile image

          SquidooMBA 5 years ago

          Great job with this lens and topic. Congrats on being Lens of the Day!

        • nuestraherencia profile image

          nuestraherencia 5 years ago

          Great job! This happens more than many care to acknowledge...My husband has dealt with this from his ex...sadly, the ex's need to do this, has hurt her own daughter more than anyone else. Very sad. My husband also dealt with this from his mom. He couldn't see it for years. It wasn't until he was 30 that he met his bio-dad. He loves him dearly. His mom, 40yrs AFTER a divorce, is still bad mouthing his father, even in front of her husband of 39yrs...and our child as well. We no longer visit her at all. If she cannot stop the constant bad mouthing of my husband's father, my husband has decided he will no longer be able to see her. And our son also should not be subjected to her constant bashing of his grandfather.

        • SusanDeppner profile image

          Susan Deppner 5 years ago from Arkansas USA

          God has a special punishment for anyone who abuses children in any way, I'm sure of it. It's just unfathomable to think how people can hurt their children this way. I am so sorry it has happened to you. Thanks for sharing this wonderful resource. I'm sure you will touch many people's lives in a positive way. Blessings to you, and congratulations on your well-deserved Lens of the Day!

        • writerkath profile image

          writerkath 5 years ago

          I could go on for an encyclopedia's length on this topic. But I will do my best to contain myself. As I read this, I am struggling with emotions. Although I rarely discuss this these days or even write about it in public because my own stepdaughter is now an adult, she was alienated from her father for years.

          Her maternal grandmother once wrote an email when she was 9 years old vilifying my husband in language and terrible accusations I could not believe a professional adult is capable of (I remember my stepdaughter coming down the stairs with the email in hand, and she was crying over the horrid things her grandmother said. I had to call my husband home from work so that he could comfort her and respond to the charges this person put down.).

          So she heard terrible things from even beyond her mother. Her stepfather joined in as well. We went nearly 7 years without seeing her as a result of how much she hated her father.

          Later, a person from a neighboring town once approached John and me in a parking lot, and said, "Please, I need to talk with you. I owe you a huge apology. When (stepdaughter's mother) and I were friends, we would spend a lot of time just bashing you in front of your daughter. It was so wrong, and I hope you can forgive me...)"

          I am not sure that a child ever fully recovers from this without a great deal of work. We do communicate with her now, thankfully. The happy part of this story is that my husband never gave up. He always sent cards - no matter that they weren't acknowledged, and always said, "I love you..." He always left the door open... And now John has a beautiful grandson whom we adore and cannot wait to see when we get home in May.

          That's about all I can say without getting emotional... Congratulations on lens of the day... Blessed.

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          candidaabrahamson 5 years ago

          What a fascinating-if very upsetting-lens. I had never heard of this topic before-and find the discovery painful, but education is worth everything.

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          barrysummers 5 years ago

          Great lens..

        • agoofyidea profile image

          agoofyidea 5 years ago

          Congratulations on LOTD! It is an important issue to write about.

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          JoshK47 5 years ago

          Wow - you certainly put a lot of effort into this, thank you so very much for sharing and educating us on this. Blessed by a SquidAngel, and congratulations on LotD.

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          Cusper 5 years ago

          The difficulty with PAS is that you have to establish that the process of Alienation is distinctly different from the normal emotional turmoil associated with a divorce. What complicates matters more is that during the period leading up to the divorce, if the custodial spouse has constructive control of the minor children and refuses communication with the non-custodial parent a very disturbing narrative can be impressed upon the childrenâs mind prior to there even being a hearing. A qualified therapist, or experienced specialist can, with a lot of work, surface some of these issues. But unlike the ranting and denigrating commentary that parents engage in before and after divorce, the unconscious narrative is hard to bring document, much less prove.

          One last observation, DO NOT view a PAS claim as something you WIN. In all issues of divorce, custody, joint parenting, etc, remember you donât win. There is no WIN. If it is necessary to pursue a PAS claim, change custody arrangements or anything else remember it can only be pursued if it is in the interest of the children. Even then, remember that it will still mean trauma and you will need to be prepared for addressing that trauma, regardless of the outcome..

          Cusper Lynn, author, Facebook Ate My Marriage.

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          anonymous 5 years ago

          "Amputated Mom", that is such a powerful statement with the grieving never going away. When love turns to hate and children are used as pawns, there is no winner...everyone loses. I pray that many will read this and work toward positive changes in the lives of children. LotD is more than well deserved.

        • Diana Wenzel profile image

          Renaissance Woman 5 years ago from Colorado

          This is a truly important topic about which to start meaningful conversations. Thank you for increasing awareness regarding something that is all too common today. It is more than time to address PAS in a manner that will do something to defuse, in a preventative way, a syndrome that is causing children great stress and damage. We owe it to all children. Congrats on LotD. Very sorry for what you had to experience as the precursor to publishing this web page. All the very best to you and your family.

        • Heather426 profile image

          Heather Burns 5 years ago from Wexford, Ireland

          Congrats on LOTD!

        • Brandi Bush profile image

          Brandi 5 years ago from Maryland

          It's very sad that this happens. This is a great lens...wonderful that you are talking about this and educating people on the effects of PAS. And congrats for being LotD!

        • bead at home mom profile image

          Teri Hansen 5 years ago

          This is certainly a deserving page for LOTD! Very, very sad subject but far to true to ignore. No doubt there are more out there that have been touched by this than we can imagine. My prayer is that adults would be adults and not suffer the children who are the innocent by standers. Thx for sharing and bringing awareness.

        • OrganicHealth3 profile image

          OrganicHealth3 5 years ago

          I grew up in a broken home. My parents got divorced when I was 5. They both had joint custody of me. I would be with my dad during the school year and my mom on weekends and summers. However, they didn't get along very well. Really they confused me. Each of them would down talk each other to me frequently when I was with them. I grew up not liking either of them very much because of this. I have sense had some Godly counciling that has helped me deal with the issues, and started restoring the relationship with my dad. He was the one I didn't like the most and cut off all contacts with as an adult. For other reasons including his down talking of my mom. I don't think people should get divorced unless there is some sort of abuse taking place or someone is cheating. I guess in my parents case they did have a legitamate reason to get divorced after all. But its never an ideal situation for a child to grow up in. Divorce is hard enough on a child without PAS. To turn a child on their parent is down right cruel.

        • gypsyman27 lm profile image

          gypsyman27 lm 5 years ago

          This is a very emotional issue, I note that the author of this page is a lady. I am sorry for what happened to her and her children. At some point the courts considered her ex-husband to be the better custodial parent. That is what happened in our case, I was the more responsible parent. I didn't have to 'bad mouth' my children's mother. My sons are not emotionally scarred from living with me, (which still amazes even me) but they do harbor bad feelings for their mother which had nothing to do with anything I may have said to them. They decided on their own what was right and what was wrong. My oldest son still weeps when reminded of his mother. I thought another male point of view in this discussion was needed. See you around the galaxy...

        • gypsyman27 lm profile image

          gypsyman27 lm 5 years ago

          BTW, the custodial parent does not pay child support, they have the kids! Trust me, child support usually does not cover the cost of raising a child. It is helpful, but not the main source of this child's cost of living. I only paid child support when my ex-wife was the custodial parent, she paid when I got the boys. She opposed paying because I was the man in the relationship and she said a real man wouldn't ask a woman for child support! That one still ranks among the most amazing things I've ever heard. I had to take her to court to get her to pay. When we first divorced she had the boys and I paid child support without a court order, so we never had to fight over that issue. See you around the galaxy...

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          anonymous 5 years ago

          Good work getting the word out. You may also want to investigate how the family court system is contributing to this problem of tearing families apart. Check out a book called "Behind the Black Robe" for a start.

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          GrowWear 5 years ago

          PAS is the destruction of a child's innocence in a most despicable way. ...Congratulations for LOTD, Carolan.

        • laporter79 lm profile image

          laporter79 lm 5 years ago

          Great lens, sad topic. lots of information to digest here. Thanks so much.

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          anonymous 5 years ago

          The child has a right to a relationship with both parents, it is not either parents right to anything. I try my best to cushion my kids from their fathers plain evil treatment of them, I beg them to keep in contact with him so that they don't grow up not knowing their roots. (also I would love a break from them at weekends, I'm constantly parenting and while he has had lots of relationships I haven't been able to have one, because the kids are here most of the time, I have no life now!) They dislike their father as he has always let them down, he gets his mum to care for them on his weekends, he refuses to buy them things they need at his house (like sanitary towels for my eldest daughter) and he puts girlfriends needs before theirs. Now he is accusing me of PAS because his kids don't like him!!! PAS...maybe in some situations, but sorry dad's if your kids don't like you , maybe you should look at your behaviour first! Calling PAS is just dumping yet more rubbish on single mums, we are demonised at every turn yet most of us are just trying to shield the kids we love from irresponsible fathers.

        • razeitup profile image

          razeitup 5 years ago

          wow, powerful lens, great job fellow squidooer.

        • surpriseitsme profile image

          surpriseitsme 5 years ago

          No wonder this received LOD!!! Excellent extensive lens and resources!

          Thank you.

        • Gloriousconfusion profile image

          Diana Grant 5 years ago from United Kingdom

          This is a subject very dear to my heart, as I have seen the distress it causes - in two cases I have seen the mental breakdown of the alienated parent, and in one case when the children sought me out to find their father when they turned 18, I learned of the sadness and despair they suffered at the hands of their stepfather, who was the instigator of their weak mother's spiteful treatment of the father.

          Here are some Angel Blessings for an excellent article.

        • junecampbell profile image

          June Campbell 5 years ago from North Vancouver, BC, Canada

          To add another element to this, the grandparents and other members of the extended family are also alienated when one parent poisons the child against the other parent. The children involve end up deprived of an entire extended family. This happens more often than you might think.

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          sherioz 5 years ago

          I have worked with families in which there was the claim of PAS and I have done consultations for the courts. In some cases, it really was PAS and in other cases it involved a concerned and caring parent claiming abuse when there was in fact abuse. It is so complex and difficult to sort out. There do need to be better ways to train professionals to assess each and every case that comes to the courts in order to give the court valid and useful recommendations.

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          Teri Villars 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

          Nice subject, definitely real life! Squid Angel blessed!

        • hirephp lm profile image

          hirephp lm 5 years ago

          nice and very powerful lens thanks for sharing also congratulation for the lens of the day

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          DragonMastrNova 5 years ago

          Sheesh, This is what I hate about parenting, not allowing the child to choose a side for themselves even if they do not wish to choose a side at all, conditioning a child for almost any reason is no good in my mind

        • eilval profile image

          Eileen 5 years ago from Western Cape , South Africa

          Serious but relevant subject ; thanks for the insight . Congrat on LOTD .

        • aka-rms profile image

          Robin S 5 years ago from USA

          I didn't know there was a name for this. Thanks for getting the word out about it. I pray that your family will be healed one day soon. I think when children get old enough, they do see the "other" parent for who they really are. In fact, I know this to be the case. I only hope that it happens for you sooner, than later.

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          anonymous 5 years ago

          Good for you for bringing this out into the open. It isn't anything new, and in fact probably happens less in these days of mental health professionals and family counselors brought into divorce cases, and more awareness of the fact that mental and emotional abuse are abuse. Is it a mental illness? In the same way that abuse leaves scars, this must also leave scars. On the "hated" parent as well as on the child. In my case, it was simply a continuation of the abuse I had been subjected to since birth - my Mother simply could not rest until she took anything (or anyone)I loved away from me - and yes, the courts are manipulated by money verses no money. It is a many faceted issue that cannot be addressed except in a case by case situation, and I really don't know what could be done to remedy it.

        • Commandrix profile image

          Heidi 5 years ago from Benson, IL

          I've heard of parents doing this but I never knew there was an actual name for it. It's good that you're helping to spread the word about it.

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          jakethesnakeinalake 5 years ago

          Great article!

          Be sure to check out my lens:

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          anonymous 5 years ago

          Oh I have seen this happen, and even adult children continue to suffer! Congratulations on a very informative Lens of the Day!

        • JesPiddlin profile image

          JesPiddlin 5 years ago

          I was a child of divorce. "Tell your father..." "Tell your mother..." Those were common words on my phone. Being a teen and having just a little rebellion in me, I finally stood up for myself and told them if they had something to say to each other, then say it to them, not me. I didn't need the crap they were putting me through to try to control my opinions and feelings. I've also heard a mother tell her child (who was trying to reschedule a weekend with his mom due to a special field trip which had been rescheduled for HER weekend) that if he didn't come on the the weekend he was scheduled to come, then, he didn't love her. I believe it was also turned around and said that she wouldn't love him, either. It broke the little boy's heart! I've also heard a different child tell his mother that she didn't love him, because she wasn't fighting for him in court, like his friend's parents were doing. She felt it was so much more important to get along with his dad and grandparents so they could all raise the boy without the fighting and heartbreak, but the boy interpreted it differently. It broke the mother's heart. She explained it was because she LOVED him that she wasn't in court over custody. The boy had a good home where he was and the mother was allowed to see him any time she wanted. There was no reason to try to wreck that. That boy grew up with some misinterpreted ideas and now seems to resent his mother for pain she did not cause. She had hoped he would grow up and see and try to understand the sacrifice she made for him, but that was not to be. Children should never be the pawns in a game. Their welfare and happiness should ALWAYS come first. However, I have also seen authorities interfere in a good situation and make it bad, "in the best interest of the child." There is no perfect answer. You just do the best you can and pray...

        • nightbear lm profile image

          nightbear lm 5 years ago

          What a powerful and heartbreaking page on PAS, I admit I was unfamiliar with this horrid hate crime. Thank you for your bravery of exposing it and yourself. I hope this will help your healing in some small way. congratulations on the purple star and LOTD. this is the kind of work that truly deserves it. blessed.

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          reasonablerobby 5 years ago

          This is an excellent lens on a difficult subject. I wonder though about defining simply adversarial and belligerent behaviour as a syndrome. This smacks of reification to me, the sort of things that generates the responses 'oh I didn't realise we could have that', which in turn creates a PAS industry that is self fuelling.

          As an academic I know only too well how sociological and social psychological classifications of observed behaviours that are merely intended as helpful explanations suddenly become something more than intended.

          How about PBB 'parental bad behaviour' or DAR 'divorce aggression recalcitrance'. Could well end up being a harvest for the legal industry who clock up hours determining wether the situation fits the definition of PAS.

        • JesPiddlin profile image

          JesPiddlin 5 years ago

          I also think the name should not include the word "syndrome" which indicates it is a disease. It is not a disease. It is a situation which could often be avoided with the proper help and training. Legal COUNSEL should include COUNSELLING toward the goal of a happier end for all parties involved. (Sometimes, that even means keeping a marriage/family together!!) How many COUNSELLORS take their position *that* seriously? If they did, a lot of folks might not be so quick to complain about how much they cost! (I did know one who took it this seriously, which is why it is such a visible issue to me.)

        • LynetteBell profile image

          LynetteBell 5 years ago from Christchurch, New Zealand

          While I was very aware that PAS existed I didn't know it had been given a name. Thank you for your lens and congratulations on LOTD!

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          anonymous 5 years ago

          It certainly is sad that parents might use their own children to get at each other. Very sad indeed. I think it is a choice, however poor a choice, and not some kind of mental illness, which lets the person off the hood way too easily (but I can't help it, I'm sick).

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          anonymous 5 years ago

          Very powerful to hear the adult children talk of the effect PAS had on them.Well done!

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          SteveKaye 5 years ago

          This is a very complex and difficult issue. Most versions of parent alienation occur within the privacy of the home. Thus no one knows that it's happening. In fact, even the adults and children involved don't realize that it's happening. Perhaps more publicity might help. On the other hand, waring parents care little about the damage that they're causing. Thank you for making this lens.

        • JesPiddlin profile image

          JesPiddlin 5 years ago

          So many of us are taught to take sides. It always helps one feel better, if there is someone else who understands your side. I suppose maybe parents expect their children to take their sides, too. It's sad, when they push it, though.

        • curious0927 profile image

          curious0927 5 years ago

          Powerful stuff, got me thinking. Glad I left the man who alienated his children and his wife. It was a downward spiral that forced me to take my children and run. I had to save them, no one helped but my friend who is a Lawyer by treating the Divorce and my X with extreme caution to save the children. Someone ought to take a stand and help the women or men that have to save the kids....alone....due to a toxic home environment.

        • joykennel profile image

          joykennel 5 years ago

          Terrific job on the lens and this sobering issue--thanks for writing. This is so worth sharing!!

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          anonymous 5 years ago

          This is a very important lens. Hopefully, A lot of people get to see and read this lens. Excellent work.

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          cleanyoucar 5 years ago

          This the sad reality of divorce :( Hearbreaking

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          samuelholborn 5 years ago

          Wow! This is my first comment on a "lens" and I've never read one before (just made my own today) but this is very cool and informative and not to mention a great lens to model what mine should be like!

          I never knew about PAS (at least as a term) before I clicked on this but I do know and especially now that it's a very real issue. I've been fortunate enough to not know anyone in my "circle" that have been divorced or have had to face this issue. I will try to be more courteous and aware of such a thing now that I've read your lens.

          P.S. I like the Keith Harring photo at the top!

        • AndrewBiron profile image

          AndrewBiron 5 years ago

          Absolutely great lense. Very informative. Thank you for the post.

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          badmsm 5 years ago

          My parents never divorced, but my mother poisoned us against our father. We discovered the truth after our mother's death, many years after our father's passing. I was angry at her for a long time, now I just wish I could apologize to my dad.

          Liked & Blessed by a Squid Angel!

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          ZazzleEnchante 5 years ago

          A well researched lens on a sensitive topic, handled really well in this lens. Blessed by a Squid Angel.

        • Scotties-Rock profile image

          Clairissa 5 years ago from OREFIELD, PA

          Extremely informative and interesting lens. Being a child of divorced parents and hearing my father speak so poorly of my mother was very hurtful. When I got older I flat out told him to stop. Which he did. My advice to any parent in a divorced situation is never say anything negative about the other parent.

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          cupcakekitten20 5 years ago

          I'm so glad my divorced parents didn't and don't do this to me. My father does it a little, but my mother doesn't and never has, which is important because she got custody.

        • Karli McClane profile image

          Psycho Free Zone 5 years ago from USA

          Excellent lens. I watched this (PAS) happen to someone very close to me. Don't even get me started on Dr. Phil - what a quack.

        • Paula Atwell profile image

          Paula Atwell 5 years ago from Cleveland, OH

          This type of "parenting" is one of the ultimate horrors of divorce. And the biggest losers in this are the most innocent, the children. Excellent and informative article on a very unfortunate and troubling aspect of divorce and parenting.

        • KathyBatesel profile image

          KathyBatesel 5 years ago

          Very nice lens. This is a heartbreaking topic for me. My ex-husband was targeted by HIS ex-wife to an extreme degree. This isn't about children who genuinely have poor relationships with another parent. It's about parents who manipulate, deceive, bribe, and punish their children constantly in order to make them hate a parent they otherwise would have a good relationship with. Our case involved kidnappings, not seeing his child after travelling across several states for court-ordered visitations, and so many other cruel tactics. He was able to reconnect with his daughter because he never gave up and I didn't either, but his children will probably always have skewed perspectives because of everything that happened. We spent over $25k with eight attorneys in five states. Just crazy!

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          faye durham 5 years ago

          Very informative and interesting lens. Thanks for raising awareness of this issue and excellent suggestions for how to cope with PA.

        • Richard-H profile image

          Richard 5 years ago from Surrey, United Kingdom

          An important issue that needed to be spotlighted. Informatively and sensitively handled :)

        • LooLooBird profile image

          LooLooBird 5 years ago

          Wow, very comprehensive lens, pulled me right in! Thanks for providing so many other resources as well. Now that I know what PAS is, I realize that one of my best friends growing up went through this. Her mother was her best friend, by senior year in High School, she was kicking her car, spitting at her, screaming, "I HATE YOU!" -And I could hardly believe the transformation I witnessed...

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          spinninfree 5 years ago

          Excellent and informative lens. As one who has experienced this unfortunate scenario - it is truly insidious. Being erased from your children's lives and having every attempt to rebuild what was always a loving relationship is a battle against a powerful and unknown force which is as omnipotent and controlling as a puppet master. There is a point at which you have to surrender and hope for a realization to come naturally. As the trusting non-custodial, non-court ordered child visitation parent, my standing and inclusion in my children's lives has been a textbook case of perpetual erosion of my ties, connections, bonds, relationship or for my children's innate desire to have any connection with their father. Even the time that I would finally have (a couple hours) with my children ended up being interrupted by texts and phone calls from their mother. It boils down to control, allegiance and desire to have an exclusive bond with the children. As the outsider, you have no clue how things are being twisted or manipulated against you, while being told that (the custodial parent) is doing everything they can to facilitate the children's inclusion of you in their lives, only to find yourself questioning why your children don't call or make any attempt whatsoever to interact or engage in a natural way. This particular syndrome is real and unfortunately not easily thwarted. The hope I have is that common sense and eventual separation from the custodial parent will allow for clarity to set in and a realization may come which allows for the destructive and carefully constructed chasm to be spanned with love. A love that was always there - just deflected, clouded and shrouded by the PAS methodology of manipulation, control and self absorption.

        • Jillynn profile image

          Jillynn 5 years ago

          This is an amazing lens that captures the obvious and subtle ways some parents alienate the other parent. Well done.

        • maurissam profile image

          Chocolate Pickney 5 years ago from Jamaica

          I was not aware of PAS until now when I read this. Thank you for sharing this very informative lens. Great job

        • hotbrain profile image

          hotbrain 5 years ago from Tacoma, WA

          I have heard of divorced parents doing this, but never knew that it was called Parent Alienation Syndrome. Helpful to know! Congrats on lens of the day too!

        • kathysart profile image

          kathysart 5 years ago

          It is very painful no doubt about it. Thanks for the sensitivity. Angel blessed.

        • marigoldina profile image

          Heather B 5 years ago

          I am a nursery school teacher and there are so many parents in my class who do this. I too didn't know it had a name. Sometimes, the dominant parent will even go to the extreme of trying to receive support from us, the teachers. It's so sad when this happens.

        • LoKackl profile image

          LoKackl 5 years ago

          @SteveKaye: you nailed it!

        • NYtoSCimjustme profile image

          NYtoSCimjustme 5 years ago

          Never knew there was an actual name for this behavior - I am sure just about every 'angry' divorce situation has some elements of it, due to the nature of the breakup each parent looks to vindicate themselves from any wrongdoing by pointing the finger at the other. It's pathetic when a grown up has to stoop to this level to make themselves feel that they are in the right and the other parent was in the wrong. The kids are the biggest losers in the entire situation. Thanks for the enlightenment and the in depth look at a much more common issue than you would like to think exists.

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          entertainmentev 5 years ago

          Congratulations on lens of the day! Well deserved - I learned so much.

        • tricomanagement profile image

          tricomanagement 5 years ago

          great lens - congratulations on lens of the day! The problem seems to me that the offending parent is rarely if ever 'caught' and the children and other parent is left with broken hearts and relationships for a lifetime

        • theeoriginal1 profile image

          theeoriginal1 5 years ago

          Thanks for sharing this lens. This issue is poisonous and long overdue for being publicized. These parents who do this have no shame or morals.

        • goo2eyes lm profile image

          goo2eyes lm 5 years ago

          both divorced parents should not alienate the children. if they do, they damage them mentally and emotionally.

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          dannystaple 5 years ago

          Wow. This goes deep. I bought The Ties That Bind - however, I had to buy in the Uk (Amazon Kindle books can only be bought in the same country, come on Squidoo - Uk amazon bits too?)

          In those 17 strategies mentioned by Dr Baker - does she include the "unfulfillable promise" - where a parent promises something on behalf or in the name of the other, which the doesn't know about and can not fulfil of course. This makes the child feel that the other parent keeps breaking promises to them.

          The four words depressed, panicky, needy and paranoid resonate. This is a really important article - something people should be talking about.

          Blessed, and featured on my blessed lenses 2012 page.

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          CarlittoDunaway 5 years ago

          Thank you for a great lens! Some food for thought isn't it?

        • TTMall profile image

          TTMall 5 years ago

          Loved Your Lens! You really put a lot of good information in it.

        • kevingomes13 lm profile image

          kevingomes13 lm 5 years ago

          teriffic lense

        • SimilarSam profile image

          Sam 5 years ago from Australia

          A very interesting read.

        • perrybenard profile image

          perrybenard 5 years ago

          what an informative lens this is my first time hearing about this issue it is very sad thank you for sharing

        • Wednesday-Elf profile image

          Wednesday-Elf 5 years ago from Savannah, Georgia

          I'll bet this article will help many people who find themselves in this situation.

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          Namymartyn 5 years ago

          nice lens..........

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          anonymous 5 years ago

          I believe the fear of a parent being alienated from their children happens prior to a separation/divorce. People don't just wake up one day and separate. There is always going to be one parent who views themselves as the better parent in these situations. Eventually the parent who would never even think to alienate their children from a parent has no choice but to concede so the children aren't hurt. When that occurs I guess you HAVE to mourn like their is a death. It's a death of a relationship between parent/child for a time being anyway. The bond will ALWAYS be there though, so don't ever give up.

          Either way the children will be hurt because they no longer have both parents. There isn't a parent who can save their children from all heartache and pain in life.

          You will always question whether you should have tried harder in the marriage, or stayed in it to avoid all of this. But trust me staying only hurts the children even more.

          However you will risk alienation if you play the he/she said/or did game. Choose your battles wisely. Sometimes it's best not to defend against every allegation which really is only an opinion of the ex. Simply say "Your Honor, I disagree w/ ex, we are in a custody dispute, I can not defend myself when Mr./Mrs. has not provided evidence to the court for such an opinion. I am relying on this court to discern what is fact, what concerns Mr/Ms. may not be of concern to this court." Defending yourself against allegation which can not be proven shows the court you misplace your energy and become emotional. Which is exactly what the ex wants to show the court. Choose what you will defend wisely. If ex makes a claim that you are a bad housekeeper. That's an opinion. Ensure that the claims are labeled irrelevant to the court & irrelevant to the best interest of the kids. Don't come back waving arms saying "Well, maybe if he/she didn't....." That makes you look like you're actions are contingent upon what the ex does/doesn't do, this really is not in the kids best interest. If you just stick with the facts and one of those facts is your ex IS the mother/father to your children and you want what is in the kids best interest you have a better chance of the ex accomplishing alienating you. If the ex is out to destroy you it will be easier to prove this is what they are doing. Always welcome a loving relationship between your ex if you know they are a good parent!

        • sousababy profile image

          sousababy 5 years ago

          This is just soooo important in our society. Whether divorced or not, this can occur in children. Sometimes witnessing spousal abuse has the same effect when parents also 'stay together' when really divorce would be healthier for all involved. Good to see a purple star and LotD on this one.

          My sister is going through divorce and I have tried to tell her to love your child more than you hate your ex. Do NOT speak badly about your ex - for your son will internalize that - and fear he is also unlovable. Children derive half of their esteem from each parent, so do not poison them by speaking badly about your ex (even if it is well-deserved). For the child, they internalize that hate and blame themselves . . I know that isn't fair, but this is what children 'feel inside.' Somehow kids feel responsible for their parents' actions, even though they are not.

        • sousababy profile image

          sousababy 5 years ago

          Deserves a google +1 and I shall be featuring you and your work on my Part IV of Squidoo people with a good heart (hope to be completed today or tomorrow). Take good care,


        • sousababy profile image

          sousababy 5 years ago

          Ohh, I just realized that this needs to be included in the section of my 'Living Articles on Squidoo' lens in the devoted section titled: Teen years, what every parent should know. Hope it helps!

        • Wedding Mom profile image

          Wedding Mom 5 years ago

          I liked what you've done here and your topic is very relevant. Thank you for sharing this information.

        • pinkrenegade lm profile image

          pinkrenegade lm 5 years ago

          Thank you for sharing this information. I think it's a very important topic that needs to be shared.

        • dahlia369 profile image

          dahlia369 5 years ago

          Not an easy time for anyone involved...

        • beaworkathomemom profile image

          beaworkathomemom 5 years ago

          I think that a divorce is already a very tough time for any child to go through. PAS will just make everything more difficult. Thanks for sharing this.

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          anonymous 5 years ago

          The major victim of a divorce case is none other than the child itself.The couple get into the scene of divorce without paying any heed to the child.If the mother wants money she can get from her spouse and love from her child,but what about the child.He doesn't want any money and cannot get all the love from one parent.Both the sides are equally important,.

        • JJNW profile image

          JJNW 5 years ago from USA

          It seems to me that any parent who would act in such a cruel way has got to have other issues of control and manipulation. So sad. We do need to shed light all all types of family violence. It is way more widespread than many people think.

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          Ruthi 5 years ago

          Excellent albeit heartbraking information on PAS. I believe the term should be more child-focused; Child Alienation seems to me to be the ultimate abuse here. My spirit cries for the pain the children suffer, as well as for the parent who is subjected to undeserved alienation. Of course, my heart goes out to you, as I am touched by your pain too. Thank you for bringing PAS to the attention of others in the battle against all forms of abuse. You have my blessings and a bit o' sunshine.

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          anonymous 5 years ago

          PAS is very real. I am witnessing this happen to my son by his ex wife, it is sad to see what is happening to formally loving grandchildren. these children used to hug me, call me, tell me they loved me, laugh with me want to visit me and now they say don"t touch me you are not my family my mother is my family

        • Millionairemomma profile image

          Millionairemomma 5 years ago

          Thank you for the courage to share your story. You confirm the bond I feel for my child. Don't give up. Don't give up. Don't give up.

        • musicaplenty profile image

          musicaplenty 5 years ago

          A Judge Judy has often stated:

          "Parents should love their children more than they hate each other."

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          anonymous 5 years ago

          PAS is an untested and unproven theory, the inventor of which committed suicide last year. It is often used by abusive parents in custody issues as an excuse for the accusation of children against the abusive parent. In the U.S.A. there are now lawsuits being brought against the state by the children, now adults, who suffered from state support for the Pass theory and were often forced to live with the abusive parent as the non-abusive parent was condemned for believing the children. It is a very dangerous theory and expert questioning of children regarding accusations of abuse of any form can reveal if they have been told to make such accusation by lack of detail etc. However, as the safety of children should always be paramount any accusation by a child should be considered very seriously. Tragically, the PAS theory and support for it has led to thousands of children suffering, what is essentially state-sanctioned abuse for many years beyond their disclosures when they are forced to have contact or live with their abusers. Treat the PAS theory with the utmost caution and bear in mind that abusive adults are very good at gaining sympathy with a good sob story.

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          @anonymous: Actually PAS is much more than just a theory even though the courts have yet to be educated enough to address it very well. Education about PAS is about preventing abuse, never causing it.

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          MentalHealthIssues 5 years ago

          Just wanted to thank you for a wonderful lens! Thanks for sharing! Scott

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          Men-After-Divorce 5 years ago

          Wow - amazingly HUGE lens. I am not sure exactly what to think of this yet - will take some time to read again and digest.

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          dream1983 5 years ago

          Great lens, well done! Squidlike

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          inex-genki 5 years ago

          Surely this post is over the top, My ex told me my children hated my guts and couldn't stand to even stomach being around me anymore.They were 4,5 and 7.This makes me feel sick could. he have been lying, I thought that's why he changed the locks and kicked me out , they are crying when I ring he says its cause they hate it when I ring.He said I am a bad mother for so many reason.I love and miss my little children.

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          @musicaplenty: Well of course they should! Those who would lay such hatred and baggage on their own children are much too selfish to be concerned much about what they "should" do.

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          @JJNW: Right on target that the absolute cruelty of PAS grows from issues of control and manipulation AND that it is way more widespread than most people have any idea. It is a selfish sickness usually hidden behind a charming facade.

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          @anonymous: Definitely agree that the major victim in divorce is the child (or children). However money is often used as part of the problem in this scenario... the alienating parent will often give money freely to the children but NOT to the ex.

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          @anonymous: Yes, and it is so true that PAS negatively effects relationships with extended family, not just the targeted parent. The heartbreak affects grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins, etc.

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          @Men-After-Divorce: I hope you will accept that PAS knows no gender, that both males and females are guilty of this crime against children.

        • siobhanryan profile image

          siobhanryan 4 years ago


        • srsddn lm profile image

          srsddn lm 4 years ago

          Great lens on a sensitive but very active issue.

        • carolinarobin profile image

          carolinarobin 4 years ago

          Wow, this is a great lens and I can relate. My mother did this to some degree when my parents split whan I was in my teens. She laid in bed depressed and crying all the time and led me to believe it was all my dad's fault. Years and years went by before I realized some truths and to this day, I still do not have a close relationship with my dad. I have forgiven my mom and we are close as ever but the damage is done. I am now 50 and my dad's health is failing and I can't seem to reach him anymore.

        • Onemargaret LM profile image

          Onemargaret LM 4 years ago

          Very good information.

        • Reputation Mana profile image

          Reputation Mana 4 years ago

          This lens is so good I'd almost say it's perfect... nice job!! :)

        • profile image

          EstebanCramblet 4 years ago

          Awesome lens!

        • TheBonchy profile image

          Danielle 4 years ago from Australia

          Sadly this happens to adult children as well. My friend's parents got divorced when she was nearly 18 and experienced the same guilt trip for loving both her parents. You'd think at that age it wouldn't affect you as much but I remember she was put through hell. I can't imagine what it would do to young children!

        • VivianAldana LM profile image

          VivianAldana LM 4 years ago

          Thanks for the info. Great job!

        • davidangel profile image

          davidangel 4 years ago

          YES! Shout OUT and let everyone know that parental alienation is wrong and is child abuse.

          Here is my story:

          Great lens BTW

        • Cari Kay 11 profile image

          Kay 4 years ago

          I absolutely believe this is abuse! I had friends whose parents did this to them growing up and it was just evil. You've put together an amazing page. Blessed!

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          @Cari Kay 11: Thanks so much, Cari. Yes it IS evil. People who do this to their own children are sick, and part of the evilness is that our society lets them get away with it. Very sad.

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          RafaelRais 4 years ago

          This lens... is... awesome!! :)

        • TarahFlesch profile image

          TarahFlesch 4 years ago

          Nice lens! :)

        • profile image

          anonymous 4 years ago

          Great Lens need that book

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          MarkJones21 4 years ago

          Great lens indeed ^^

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          anonymous 4 years ago

          Thought maybe this is what my ex-son-in-law was doing with our oldest grandchildren and now am sure. The sad thing in all of this is not only is our daughter being alienated from her children with a judge sitting on a temporary custody order and no ruling after 120 days but we have been alienated as well. This was tried five years ago with similar charges and the same judge in Alabama. I tried to notify Child Protection Services before our granddaughter went in and testified against her mother and stepfather but they wouldn't listen to me saying "emotional abuse is hard to prove." I asked that the children be put in a neutral environment until this could be ironed out in court and the social worked was appalled that I would even consider foster care for these children. Now we are living a nightmare along with our daughter who hasn't had visitation rights now for almost five months. Her ex-husband was over twenty-two thousand dollars behind in child support. Don't judges see a motivation factor there or is this just the society we live in. Discouraged.

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          @anonymous: Of course you are discouraged, surely that word puts your reaction to such mildly! Keep learning, for responding to such without 'awareness' can lead down paths that are not helpful. I understand that you are completely appalled, having been in similar situations. That emotion is completely understandable, and yet is not helpful at all within the court system, with attorneys, etc. Get it out with those who 'get' it, because it is real. Finding anyone within the courts or family services who will listen is tough, still no reason to give up. Too many people are hurt by this issue daily to ignore it.

        • SusannaDuffy profile image

          Susanna Duffy 4 years ago from Melbourne Australia

          This is just dreadful - the parent who brainwashes a child into hate should be charged as a criminal

        • BigRedDomino profile image

          BigRedDomino 4 years ago

          My daughter is a victim. I do what I can EVERY DAY to keep her emotionally sound. She is only 6 years old. Since she was 2 she has had to deal with the heartache he inflicts. Thank you for this very informative lens!

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          @SusannaDuffy: Yep, I totally agree. Same goes for lawyers, etc. who know exactly what they are doing and let them get away with it.

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          @BigRedDomino: You are welcome. Best to you and your little girl. Stay strong.

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          anonymous 3 years ago

          @carolinarobin: This is the truly sick twisted thing. After a child becomes an adult and realizes the horror their alienating parent put them through, they still remain forever loyal to the manipulating parent while just allowing the hurt parent to fall by the wayside. I am an alienated mom who is refusing to see my now adult children because they are still loyal to their dad. He is still pulling their strings and I cannot emotionally deal with the nightmare again.

        • Demaw profile image

          Demaw 3 years ago

          The alienation can cause problems for the next generation too, the alienated adult child alienates his/her kids from the victimized grandparent.

        • Othercatt profile image

          Othercatt 3 years ago

          I've been dealing with this for years. Even though my ex has custody of the kids, he still insists on lying to them about me and trying to get them to hate me. The worst part is when my kids ask me about something their Dad said, I refuse to refute it or defend myself because calling their Dad a liar would upset them even more. It took him 9 years to wear down my 15 year old son (who, much to my exes delight, has refused to speak to me for the last 2 months). Thankfully my daughter hasn't given in yet. I just don't understand. It's like he thinks they can't love the both of us. My only hope is that someday when they're older, they'll be able to see the truth.

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 3 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          @Othercatt: SO sorry, Cat! I doubt that he actually believes your children cannot love both of you - more that he's afraid that they CAN. It's a desperate need to feel superior in their eyes fueled by carefully hidden personal issues like narcissism, a level of selfishness that is beyond belief. No one who really knows unconditional love would load up their own kids with such heavy baggage to carry through life. I also hope they someday are able to see the truth, it is very tough for these kids to grow up inside such a battlefield.

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 3 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          @Demaw: Ouch! Yes that such pain might actually carry on to future generations - to prevent contact with a grandchild. It is hard to find words to describe that level of pain. Pray. And know that karma will somehow catch up with such intentional evil behavior from the parent who started such inexusable ugliness.

        • Gypzeerose profile image

          Rose Jones 3 years ago

          An incredible and so, so needed lens. I have seen this played out in others lives and tried to make sure it did not in my own - although it is extremely hard to be nice to someone who has betrayed you and you hate. Divorce takes a lot of strength - and realizing that we need to dig deep inside ourselves to make sure that our most precious children are safe.

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 3 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          @Gypzeerose: Thanks Rose. It's a level of pain so deep...words can't describe really. yet those who've been there often DO try, too important an issue to ignore.

        • Lady Lorelei profile image

          Lorelei Cohen 3 years ago from Canada

          There really are so very many emotions at play in divorce that I can easily see this happening all too often.

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          Nick Child 2 years ago

          A full and useful resource. Thanks.

          But the video No Way Out But One is not about PAS. Sometimes an abducting parent (for no good enough reason) is also an alienating parent. But this film is not presented as an abducting parent who is an alienating parent. It is about an important reverse of PAS - abduction as a way to protect your children from what was apparently openly and clearly a physically abusive parent.

          PAS is known to be emotional abuse of the child by the alienating parent but this is a much more subtle process of influence than outright abuse and threats than those presented in this film as what the father would have been using on his children. The courts apparently had evidence of his abuse before them but the father and his lawyers perhaps kept custody of the children by portraying that evidence as the mother alienating them from him.

          Complicated, isn't it?! The children and mother now (in the film) do not look as if they are other than genuine in their stories and evidence. That is that no PAS was happening. It was a desperate abduction in the service of protecting her children.

        • CrossCreations profile image

          Carolan Ross 2 years ago from St. Louis, MO

          Thanks Nick. Very complicated yet very crucial to reveal PAS. Yes the video called "No Way Out" is related yet not exactly same, abduction as protection from PAS and abuse. This could be consider a reverse of PAS, yes. Kangaroo court made things worse. Sad beyond words.

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