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To the readers, I only wanted to share how I was able to grasp my life's purpose. It wasn't easy...some of you may have gone through a lot of struggles...so I was and even until now...a nobody's option...for I believe that life on earh is like a vineyard that is constantly pruned.
I will be sharing here how I was...and how I become....through struggles...for now...I will share to you the "passageway"...how I discover and how am I fulfilling it right now. I do pray that my journey here will be guided so that all of us will be enlightened.
All that is written here were dated, it's like a journal of my own contemplation.
You are not opted to ask, but you may for it is your preference...if you think you may need an enlightenment.
God loves you and me!!!
Nov. 19, 2009 (15:30 Libya)
I remember the days when I was a kid. I was belittled, bullied, the pot of jokes by anyone. I think it was such a depressing, shameful, demeaning childhood to many but not so much to me. I know how to fight…but not aggressively. I remember once that I had a physical fight with my cousin who bullied me every time. I think that was my way of saying “enough”. Has it ended? No! My cousin was used to it. Instead of fighting him, I kept quiet. My mother would just compose me and comfort me whenever I cry. Lucky though that I have a mother who soothes me. My mother would always say, I shouldn’t be angry if things said to me aren’t true. I thought of that many times…..told myself, why must I be angry if it weren’t true. I was a kid then, after awhile, I played with my cousins again and again….and their bullies had become part of their system…so I cried every time…and it’s a kid’s routine….an endless part of growing up especially if you grew up in a rural area. And I was a kid then…a kid who doesn’t know anything yet but to play…a kid who craves for ice cream and chocolates…a kid who’s just starting to learn ABC…123…in preparation to his first schooling as kindergarten.
How could a kid possibly know then that his actuation and behaviour were different from other kids? How could a kid can grasp, at that age, the meaning of deviation? Such kind of labelling in my personality has lead to molestation. Yes! I was a molested child…sexually abused by my cousins at that age for many times. What a child can do to big fellows even if a child retorted? I was crying, frightened, not knowing what I have done but can’t do anything. I was told that I will be reprimanded and fiercely swat by my father if I told anything about it. In recourse, I was given a candy and I gladly accepted it. I was a kid…a mere kid who knows nothing but to play and be given much favour.
I grew up in a very religious family. My mother would always lead a rosary and we pray together as a family every six in the evening. It was our daily routine then. At an early age, prayer was instilled in my being that without it, I am nothing. My mother used to tell religious story…about God…about creation….and would give us instances which made me acquainted about God & religion. Through my mother’s religious advocacy, I profoundly longed for Christ’s teachings. I thought that perhaps, but more often than not, as I was growing up, I cried a lot asking Him why things need to happen. I pity myself and I wanted to seek help but I was afraid.
In school, I was active. I wasn’t an honourable student but to my parents I was a bright kid. I was actively engaged in a religious activity in our parish as a sacristan for long years. From then on, embracing priesthood life instilled in my precious mind. Nobody asked that I should be…no one convinced me…it was my own decision to be in the seminary. For four years, I thought being in the seminary would give me an ample time which will give my personal life more significant. At some point, it did. I learned a lot but I was not able to escape from my fears...doubts…I was impinged from my past…I was disturbed…at lost…distressed.
I humbly asked God to help me recover but all those years I felt God was so deaf. I felt that He never listened even once in my prayer. More often than not, I was unhappy….alone…strange from what was happening around me. I commune only to myself….no group of friends…
My search for the purpose of life has quenched my thirst but it was exhausting and not an easy task to lead. Along the way, I stumbled and fell many times but that didn’t halt me to seek the real meaning of happiness. I kept going and going….kept recharging the battery in me…I had to, so as my feet will keep moving and see what lies beyond. I told myself that it was a long journey. But my determination has kept me achieved what I was seeking for. Until sad memories was starting to deplete. Scars were starting to fade…tears turned happiness…as if hearing the lion’s uproar but can not devour me.
And if I will be asked if what point in my past life I want to change. I profoundly say nothing, for through those experiences….I have become what God wants me to be. This is how God wants me to fulfill His purpose…for God knows me even before I was born…He knows what may happen in my life….He tested me so much yet I kept holding Him even if I was at the other edge of life. He pruned me from birth up to this point and until as I continously go through on this life. No more doubts…no more fears…no more hates…though trials will still be there….yet I know, God made me strong now to face whatever adversities may come my way.
And with much love and prayers, I know that I am blessed like you. Happy to be who I am now. Thanking God for all those hardships that I have overcome. Thanking Him for giving me a wonderful family who never doubted me. And a friend, my only best friend who supported me spiritually….It is Jesus…who loves me from the very start….who is always there for me whenever I felt alone…who lifted me up whenever I stumbled down…who carries me whenever I feel exhausted….precisely I know that it wasn’t personally Jesus did that. He did it through you. Jesus used my parents and siblings to care for me and love me. He used my friends to nourished me spiritually. And until now, Jesus, my only best friend, uses all of you to listen in me just to thank all of you for loving me. And in my own simple way, I humbly thank Him through you.