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What To Do When A Relationship Or Marriage Ends

Updated on April 08, 2012

it is very hard to write a hub about this subject I guess, since I wrote hubs, that talked about thinking about getting married, or the things that happen, when the woman becomes pregnant, may have compelled me to write this hub.

Yet, I do understand that there are a lot of variables, that I had to consider, when writing this hub, and I know I may have to tweak it a bit as times passes.

I guess people ask me questions, about things of this nature, because I or they consider myself to be fair, and respective to ALL individuals, even though the same might not be shown to me.

Nevertheless, a person knows when a relationship or marriage is on the rocks, or it is about to end. I see a lot of couples, whether they are married or not, and generally, if the couple is not respectable toward one another, the marriage or relationship will soon crash and burn.

Yet being in a relationship, because it is convenient, is not logical. I would never sacrifice my happiness, just to be in a convenient relationship or marriage. Why would a person want to be in a situation, where he or she are NEVER happy?

A lot of couples will sacrifice their happiness in a relationship or marriage, if children or a child maybe involved. Anytime a baby or children are involved in a breakup between their parents, the child will of course, be affected in an adverse manner.

Children do take the burnt of the break up, and I hate seeing that happen with couples, married, or not, the child or children in question will suffer, if the parents do not at least attempt to be civil towards each other for the sake of the child or children mental and physical well being.

If there are children or a single child involved, a couple should always discuss the effect, the break up will have on their offspring.

Even as I write about how separation or divorce affects the offspring is very sad to me. Even though my parents never divorced, I still can relate to what I feel offspring must endure during the aftermath of their parents separating.

The child or children may even be taught or felt as though they need to declare sides, or which parent will be loved, or not loved by the offspring. Yes, divorce or separation, does cause dissension.

A breakup or separation between couples, impacts, and affects so many things, besides the individuals who are separating from each other. It is sort of like, taking a rock and dropping it in water, ripples are produced, which is known as the ripple effect.

I believe that, if you respect the person that you are with, you will also not mistreat him or her, or verbally or physically abuse him or her.

I always tend to view marriage and relationships, as one in the same. The only thing that differentiates a marriage from a relationship is a marriage license. I believe that, even in a long term relationship, technically you are married to that person, it may not be a licensed legal marriage, but in some states, there is something called, common law marriage.

If you have been with a person for so many months or years, it will be deemed as common law marriage, between a man and a woman in most states.

When a marriage or relationship ends, it normally does not end nicely. It will either be a mutual breakup or an abrupt breakup by one or the other.

What are some of the warning signs or things you should do or know, for when a relationship or marriage is about to end?

· One or both individuals do not treat the other with respect

* I always stand by the phrase or statement I will repeat over, and over again. If you start out doing those things or exhibiting the loving behavior your mate enjoys, NEVER stop doing those things you once did that made your mate fall in love with you, any change in your behavior will raise up red flags.

· Couples who are separating do not enjoy being around one another, as he or she did in the beginning

· The intimacy stops between the couple

· Showing a total lack of consideration or trust towards each other

· No affection is shown, in most cases no love is being displayed, just an array of other emotions the mate may exhibit during or before the initial break up or separation

· Abusive behavior, whether it is physically or verbal, should NEVER be tolerated

***NOTE***If you are abusing your mate, just leave the person alone, obviously a man should NEVER EVER hit a woman, and a woman should NEVER hit a man

Abusing a person in any manner will leave not only physical scars, but mental scars, that could lead to depression, low self esteem, and suicidal thoughts as well

Also abusing a person, could lead that person, to act aggressively, to the point, that the person who initiated the abuse maybe killed or injured by the person that he or she is abusing.

· If you are being abused, leave the person, do not stay in that environment, constantly being abused

· Contact your local authorities’, seek shelter and protection from the abuser

· Know when it is time to just walk away without any regrets from a marriage or relationship

· Don’t be bitter about the breakup

· Learn how to let the other person go

· Never impose yourself on the other person

· Try to walk away from any marriage or relationship with dignity

· Show respect for the person you are leaving

· Never harbor ill feelings toward the person who may have initiated the breakup

Do not stalk the other person, once you have split up

Never talk about or play the blame game, pertinent to who initiated the breakup, or who caused it, that sort of behavior is counterproductive. What difference does it make, who broke it off, or who caused it? What's done, is done, move on with your life.

Learn how to live with your decision, don’t beat yourself up about it, nor should you beat your ex mate up over it. Let it go. Also, most importantly, learn from your mistakes, and acknowledge that you were part of the problem.

NEVER ever be a controlling person before or after the break up. In other words, don't manipulate your ex, or attempt to control your ex mate in any manner, that will only add more fuel to the fire.

Give each other time to heal. I believe that normally when people spilt up, or break up, it was done, cause the male or the female, or both were not happy with the person he or she was with, or happy with their current situation.

Don’t be so quick to jump back into another marriage or relationship

· Give yourself time to heal

· Examine yourself first, don’t just place ALL the blame on the person, that you do not have a marriage or relationship any longer

· Don’t be so quick to dive into another relationship or marriage

· Know thyself FIRST!

· We all are not perfect, but if you know in your heart you respected that person in your life, you showed them love, you can sleep easy at night

Being civil toward each other before and after the break up

· I know it is very difficult to be nice to a person that you are splitting up with in a marriage or relationship

· Show appreciation toward your ex, once you have separated, by dropping him or her an occasional call, even send a gift during special occasions

· Don’t be over bearing and arrogant, don’t bring up past drama during initial contact, that maybe intentional or unintentional contact

· Put yourself in your ex mate shoes, he or she maybe still in pain, you both still maybe in pain, just be kind, kindness goes a long way

· If need be, seek psychological counseling, either with your ex or by yourself

Contemplating reconciliation is a huge step to take:

· Understand why you are contemplating reconciling with your past mate

· Never contemplate reconciliation, if you know you are walking back into the same situation

· Know that you are not putting yourself back into the same mess you both were in at first

· Learn to forgive the person for their past actions, generally if an abuser says that he or she will not abuse you again, you will have to discern, how much trust you will have to give that person, to verify that he or she has truly changed from their abusive ways

· Commit to the relationship or marriage being better or different from a positive perspective

· Don’t dwell on past negative events, learn from them, and only concentrate on making your marriage or relationship better

· Before even talking about moving back in together during reconciliation, talk about just taking things slow, stay in separate homes, until you know for sure that you can live with each other in the same home or dwelling again.

· Reconciling is much more easily said than done. Depending on what the breakup consisted of, it maybe a hard boat to row.

Always remember, we are only human. Yet, that does not give us the right or excuse to mistreat the ex mate, that you may have once loved. Life goes on, but a broken heart, is a wound that may or may not never, or ever completely heal, when two people decide to spilt up and go their separate ways.


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    • profile image

      david 5 years ago

      saga;it sounds good to realise but in practice it is hard to adjust with broken heart:I loved my wife for six years sacrificed all of my interests and height for her happiness and finally she revealed herself she had a non sexual love affairs with a person. I am not able to tolerate the painful feelings and almost decided to live alone, but i am in confusion about my 5 yrs old kid.? please help me.sometimes i think too much how does she move after me? I want her to be happy but I am not sure she will go with the same guy or stay alone.

    • CorpGiant profile image

      CorpGiant 4 years ago from Dallas Texas

      Hello David,

      First, let me thank you for responding to this hub. I appreciate your time, your patience, compliments and bravery to speak up about your feelings.

      Not to say a woman is not burdened with a lot of things in a marriage or relationship, a man burdens or shoulders so much responsibility, then when a child is dropped into that mix, a lot of things WE did not intend to happen, just happens.

      It is also very difficult to move forward with a relationship, once a person discovers that sexual infidelity has occurred. The thing that you will find, just as you have stated, that the pain continues to affect you, and it's very difficult for you to move past the violation of trust. Trust is something, that I have to feel I can give, only after I have determined that I want to have that person in my life. We have a choice, whether we want to interact with a person, love that person etc...

      If your ex as apologized for it, and would like to continue to be with you, then you have to decide if you can forgive her, and move forward with lives together. If, and if you decide to forgive her, and once you accept her forgiveness, you must close the door or move beyond that act that she did that violated your trust, and divided the three of you all.

      WOW, how do you move forward with your five year old. n I feel your pain from just reading your comments and sensing your feelings. If I can suggest, that you should attempt to establish a life with your five year old. Your five year needs her dad, more than ever now.

      If the mother cannot see that, then, the child will suffer, you will suffer, and once the child grows to maturity, you and I can only speculate on how much emotional damage that will do to your five year and you all as well.

      Yet, do not create division, by discussing what your ex wife did, that separating you all, just tell your child when the five year old is ready, that you and mommy are just apart, cause you can't be in the same house, but explain to the five year old, that the separation should not affect, how much you love your five year old.

      Your five year old needs you more than ever now, a lot will be set in your five year old mental stability, based on what is seen, heard, said, and done.

      Try your best to spend time with your five year old, have a continual hand in raising the child up, and if later on in adult hood, if the child that is now an adult does not want to interact with you, after you raise that child up, then you have done your part, and you should not feel guilty about whether your child, who's has grown up to be an adult, would like to continue to interact with you.

      You have a lot of tough choices to make, I hope what I suggested helps, and I apologize for responding so late to your post. Yet, I do wish you the best, please let me know how you are doing with your child, as well as your ex wife. ALL the best!! CG

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      bridget 4 years ago

      Hi, we have broken up with my fiance we have a 5yr old.. Its 3 yrs now&im still not over him but he moved on.a month or two won't go pass without being on eachothers throats exchanging very hurtfull words etc. And my son loves his daddy dearly.. And now what we fight of he introduced my son 2 his girlfriend& she showers him with gifts etc to bring home after a weekend visit etc is it right as they are not married& don't live live together still dating!! Am I hoping for nothing? I really cannot move on & we were culturally half married.. Or is it because I grew up with both parentswant the same 4 my baby?? He Grew up with his father 4rm childhood

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