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The Darkest Secrets of A True Commitment Phobic Man He Will Never Tell You

Updated on December 8, 2017

Let me guess, you are a lady and you’ve been in this relationship with this awesome guy that seems to mean the whole world to you for quite some time now but now you’re beginning to get worried. Your worries stems from the fact that you are now beginning to realize that this guy is not the one.

You now have this gut feeling that you are never going to settle down with him. Not because you don’t want to settle down with him but because it is the other way around. It seems he doesn’t just want to settle down... with you.

Simply put, the relationship is going nowhere and you know it... or should I say, you feel it!

Listen to me, chances are, you’re right.

The relationship is heading nowhere and that’s simply because you are involved with a commitment phobic guy.

Well, commitment phobia is so common in men. Even though they say women can be commitment phobic too but several reports have shown that commitment phobia is very much prevalent among men. You are aware of this fact so you don’t really think your commitment phobic guy has a very serious problem—at first.

In fact, that could even be the reason why you have been with him all this while.

Like they say, women are naturally fixers so once they find out that a guy seems to be ‘broken’, it brings out all those inner feminine instincts in her to fix him and make him commit to her.

But there’s a problem... a very big problem, in ‘fixin’ a commitment phobic man.

The problem is not you.

Why doesn't he just want me?
Why doesn't he just want me? | Source

It’s him.

You don’t know this or probably, you think you’re equal to the task which you even find exciting because it’s challenging so you put in a lot of work to make things work out fine.

You act the good, kind and considerate, calm and collected, loyal and understanding partner you must have heard is what most guys are looking for when they want to settle down.

And now after so many years of trials, you shockingly find out that you’re now at your very wit’s end but it still seems as if you’re right back at where you started.

No improvement.

For one reason or the other, the relationship cannot just move beyond a certain point.


The relationship cannot just move beyond a certain point because...

Most likely, you are stuck with a true commitment phobic man.

Take note of that emphasis on the word true.

Yes, I will like to use it in this discussion to create that distinction between the men who are generally known or said to be commitment phobic but can easily make the switch once the right girl comes along, and those men who are bound to remain commitment phobic no matter what.

A true commitment phobic man has some very deep and disturbing secrets of his he will NEVER want you to know about because the consequences of telling you might be too great a pain for you to bear!

But I am going to let you into those secrets now.

So brace yourself up.

Because I'm so certain some of these revelations might throw you.

Now one last thing before we start...

You may be wondering at this point why am I even trying to tell you? Well, my game plan is very simple. I want you to know what you are up against. It’s now left for you—assuming you find yourself in that position—to figure out how you can proceed... okay?


So now let’s begin.

These are some of the darkest dirty secrets of the commitment phobic man he doesn't want you to know.


A true commitment phobic man is easily bored.

Like a child, his attention span is very short. His boredom is the reason why he can easily be so easily distracted–by other ladies or other things that often fascinates or holds his attention!

In fact, I can even submit that more often than not, he likes and enjoys these distractions!

Simply put, he’s always looking for intense excitement and if you cannot provide that type of excitement or if the excitement you’ve been providing is now ebbing or gradually slowing down, he’s certainly going to start wanting to look for a different type of excitement elsewhere.

Now, here’s the challenge.

You really need to be coming up with new ideas on how to keep his attention.

How long do you think you can continue to do that?

The fun is in the chase

For him, the whole fun, the whole thrill and the whole excitement ends when the chase is over.

Once he has you and he’s sure he has you, his trigger to go on another expedition is activated.

You can now begin to see why being totally commited to you might just be an uphill or even a mission impossible task for him?


He gets his kicks from chasing you. Keeping you is entirely a whole different business altogether... a business he’s not really keenly interested in pursuing.

Now, the shocking truth is that while you are getting ready for the whole chase to end so that the relationship proper can commence; your commitment phobe of a guy is already on a mission to start another chase.

With another person.

Oh, poor you.

The grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side effect

A true commitment phobic man may not tell you this... at least, to your face but this is one of the ideologies he has buried somewhere deep in his psyche.

He is always on the lookout for somewhere ‘great’ or ‘exciting’ out there!

New girl. New people. New interests. New adventure. New places. New experience. Just something new...

In certain cases and to further perplex you some more, he may not even be able to put a name on what exactly he’s really looking out for but he’s sure looking.

The implication of this is that a commitment phobic man may never really truly be satisfied with just you!

Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence | Source


A true commitment-phobe doesn’t really enjoy intimacy.

Most people like the company of other people and the best person you can enjoy their company is your partner.

Not so for your commitment phobic guy.

Intimacy makes him to become romantically attached or connected with you. Intimacy makes him to get in touch with a part of himself he doesn’t want to deal with namely: falling in love with you!

This is one of his best kept secrets.

He doesn’t like the feelings that being in love with someone brings. It makes him feel so vulnerable and defenseless hence he’d rather not go there at all!

It’s now left for you to see how you can convince him to let go of his deep-seated fear of feeling so vulnerable... that is, if you really want to be with him.

Too picky

A true commitment phobic man is too picky.

He has a lot of expectations in his ‘ideal’ partner.

If only he'd just open up to you and tell you what those expectations really are, I’m sure you will be gone before he finishes reeling off those ideals from his very long list.

You will shockingly discover that you don’t even come anywhere close to what he really wants in his ideal partner.

And because he’s so picky, oftentimes he tends to be confused himself on what he really wants.

Truth is, he doesn’t really know what he wants.

You can now begin to see why it is easier for him to remain totally non-committal rather than to settle down with you only to be burdened all the time by the sickening feeling that you are never going to be what he really wants.

I told you the grass is always greener on the side of the fence, didn't I?


A true commitment phobic man is usually a very private person.

Now, relationships normally involves 'invading' each other’s space and privacy if I should use that word, as two tries to become one but your commitment-phobe of a guy doesn’t see it that way... doesn't like it that way... and doesn’t want it that way.

They say three is a crowd and I have no doubts in my mind right now that it was a true commitment phobic man that first made that statement.

Due to his private nature, a true commitment phobic man doesn’t really like or enjoy exposing himself to so many people.


When a relationship settles in, before you know it, friends also become part of the relationship.

Now these friends also have friends.

And before you know it, you are already in relationship, so to speak, with friends and friends of friends of your partner.

Now he has to deal with so many people who may be asking all sorts of question about him, second guessing his every move, and giving their unwaranted opinions about him.


He’d rather stay single and enjoy the moment.

Expectations too many

Now, talking about exposing himself to so many people just because he’s now in a relationship, one issue a true commitment phobic guy will never want to deal with is facing the expectations that being in a relationship normally brings.

Simply stated, he just hates labels.

Relationships make people to change their real self as each party tries to conform to a general and compromised style of living.

Not only that. Once you start wearing the boyfriend label, automatically there are certain expectations that are normally expected of boyfriends.

Boyfriends are expected to act in a certain way, speak in a certain way, visit or go to certain places they normally wouldn’t want to go to, watch certain movies they wouldn’t have imagined themselves ever watching, even eat some certain things they’d normally never even taste all because they are now boyfriends.

Even worse still, they are expected to seal the deal by putting a ring on it which is like the ultimate sacrifice!


Too many expectations to be fulfilled, too many rules to be observed and too compromises to be made.

A commitment-phobe will rather opt out fast!


Commitment-phobes are usually very sensitive. In fact, it is believed that part of the reason why most commitment-phobes are such is simply because of their sensitivity.

A lot of things can break them. Words can break them. Lies can break them. Animosity can break them. Criticism can break them. Mistrust can break them. Disloyalty can break them.

So many things...

This could also add to the reason for their love for privacy because the lesser amount of people or situations they are exposed to, the lesser the opportunity for them to face any form of ‘external attack’ from others.

Thus as a preemptive strike, any true commitment-phobe knows that the best way to limit themselves from suffering from such negative emotion as a result of heartbreaks is by keeping things light and fun and never trying to get in too deep all in the name of being in a relationship.

Or better still; opt out from being in a relationship entirely!

You may think that’s very awkward and unreasonable of them but then, he is just protecting himself.

From what exactly?!

From getting hurt, of course!

Unbelievable, right?

But that’s just the way it is with your commitment phobic guy.

Dealing with other people’s problem

If there’s one thing that makes a true commitment phobic man to shy away from relationships, it’s having to deal with other peoples’ 'problems'.

Sadly though, this is exactly what most relationships entail.

While in relationships, problems are shared with a hope of finding a common workable solution/s.

That’s the norm.

But a true commitment phobic man would rather skip or avoid this part in the relationship entirely.

If you want to be with him and you want him to stay for the long haul, then I suggest you’d better keep most, if not all of your problems to yourself.

I know this might be so demoralizing or frightening a thought for you—most especially if you’re that type of woman or person who normally depend on others for guidance, advice, suggestions or solutions—but that’s just the way it is with him.

To him, it’s even a very good and fair deal that way because most likely, he won’t bother you with his own demons.

If you want to share anything with him, please just let it be something fun.

But if you want to share with him stuff like your emotional problems or that of your friends or family members, your worries or fears or that of your friends or family members, the details of your past relationships and while it failed or that of your friends or family members...


No way.

When it comes to certain problems, truth is, much to your chagrin I presume, your commitment-phobe of a guy still considers you as an external entity very much different and separated from himself whereas you may be supposing you guys are just functioning as one unit.

Control freak

This is one aspect of your totally commitment-phobe guy that he will never disclose to you or even admit to himself.

But sadly, it is the truth.

A true commitment phobe wants to always be in charge of every aspect of the relationship. He needs to do this because he doesn’t like surprises in any way at all. He doesn’t have a problem with being in control of himself because he has already mastered himself.

His problem usually stems from being in control of the other person.

And like we all know, you can never truly predict what another person is most likely to do, meaning that, you can never truly control another person’s actions, interests, decisions, thoughts, motives, choices...

People will always do or be what they want to do or be.

It is such a powerless situation for the commitment-phobe and he knows this.

Which is why in his mind, he’d rather prefer to be in a relationship with the person whom he knows he can always control namely himself, than with you.

And now, to the last but not the least...

Someone eventually gets hurt

He knows someone gets hurt in the end.

And this normally or usually happens whenever the issue of commitment comes up.

A true commitment phobic man already knows that he’s never ever going to truly and fully commit to you right from the onset.

I’m not saying it might not happen but it’s very rare.

That’s why he’s always stalling whenever the question of where the relationship is heading comes up.

But he will not be so free to disclose it to you.

Because the truth hurts.

A broken heart is hard to mend
A broken heart is hard to mend | Source

If wishes were horses, he’d say something like this to you, “Why bother? Let’s just have fun, keep everything light and enjoy the moment…”


In the real world, things don’t usually pan out that way.

Women, most women anyway, in fact most people in general usually want commitment. For the women in relationship, it gives them the impression or should I say, it makes them believe that they are not wasting their time with you. It also gives them that internal peace of mind and satisfaction that the relationship is actually heading to somewhere.

But this is exactly what the true commitment-phobe doesn’t want.

He doesn’t want to make promises which deep down within him he knows he may not be able to keep or redeem.

In his mind, it’s always better that way because as a 'free agent', he knows he doesn’t have to fear breaking or keeping any promises he has made since he didn’t even make any one in the first place.

But it’s not okay for his partner. This is usually because people want to hold you to your words so they normally demand for some form of commitment because it makes everything appear a lot safer for them. It also gives them some form of upper hand or edge in the whole arrangement.

But if you recall, I earlier stated that control freaks usually will not like such an arrangement which is not only impeding on his freedom kind of, but also handing over much more power to the other party. Besides, a true commitment-phobe will always enjoy his carte blanche to the fullest.

You may try to force out a vote or act of commitment from him but do not count on it because it might just as well be a lie he’s using to save the situation at that particular moment.

Truth is, he has even a greater problem to deal with which is the dilemma that goes on in his mind.

He doesn’t want to make a promise he doesn’t have to keep. He feels happier that way. You want him to make the promises. You feel happier and safer that way.

So it’s time to make judgment call.

And when he eventually does make the call, his decisions will pretty much come from a place of deep-rooted selfishness.

O yes!

Maybe I forgot to mention it earlier, but it shouldn’t come as a surprise to you by now most especially if you're already deep in a relationship with such men, that true commitment phobic men are usually very selfish too which explains some of his actions to some extent.

Then a time might come when the issue of knowing where the relationship is actually heading comes up one more time, and then you will disappointingly find out that you were being lied to and taken for a ride all this while.

And then hearts will be broken as someone gets hurt... again!

Last word:

Is it all hope lost when it comes to dating a commitment phobic man?

No, I don’t think so.

In fact, I will be discussing in an upcoming hub some of things you can to do get an enjoyable long lasting committed relationship out of your truly commitment phobic guy so stay tuned.


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    • Emmyboy profile imageAUTHOR


      4 months ago from Nigeria

      Nice opinion you've got there, dashingscorpio.

      The part I liked the most in your write-up is where you mentioned Ms Right Now.

      I've never considered it that way but thinking about it now, it turns out that is exactly what I have been doing the whole while: seeing all the women I have been with as Ms Right Now and nothing more!

      Maybe, it's time to make a change!

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      4 months ago

      "Well, commitment phobia is so common in men." - Not really.

      First of all it helps to know how one defines the word "commitment". For some people anything short of marriage is NOT a commitment. While for others being in a loving monogamous long-term relationship is in itself a commitment.

      I tend to agree with the latter.

      First of all commitment is (behavior) and not a marital status! Essentially the commitment comes before there is a wedding.

      There are lots of married people who cheat on their spouses all the time. There are also those living separate lives in the same house. Divorce rates are near 50% . Marriage isn't forever.

      There are two basic reasons why men don't propose to women.

      1. Timing (At this particular time marriage is not a top priority.)

      2. You are not "the one".

      Lets us examine the first reason....

      More often than not a man in his late teens, 20s, and possibly early 30s is looking to establish a career for himself, party with friends, enjoy his freedom from his parents as well as other responsibilities.

      He sees his youth as time for (exploring) and getting laid.

      If he wanted to be married he could married. There's no rush.

      According to the Census Bureau in the U.S. in 2008 by age 44 over 84% of men had been married at least once. This was before there were any "marriage equality laws" passed. Odds are we're likely to see an even higher percentage of men who are married by age 44.

      Therefore it's not a matter of (if) a man will commit but (when).

      Another interesting statistic in the U.S. is there are 2.3 Million weddings that take place {each year}. Odds are most of them took place after a (man) made a marriage proposal.

      That's a lot of "brave souls".

      The second reason men don't "commit" is rarely discussed.

      You are not "the one"! Most women don't want to believe this one. However every man or woman has their own mate selection process and "must haves list" . Men have no problem with intentionally hooking up with a woman they know they would never ever marry. She's "Ms. Right Now" and not "Ms. Right". There could be numerous reasons why he doesn't see her as "marriage material".

      Actor George Clooney was considered the world's most famous "serial monogamist". He would enter into long-term exclusive relationships with women, being faithful and true the whole time while telling the world he would never ever get married again.

      After only dating Amal Alamuddin for 6 months he proposed!

      Did she give him an ultimatum? Cast a spell on him? NO!

      For whatever reason (he) believed (she) was "the one" for him!

      I completely understand George. I too use to tell all my friends, family, and anyone who had ears that I would NEVER get married!

      This August will mark my 10th wedding anniversary.

      I believe there are a lot of men like George and myself who never made marriage a "goal". It was something special about that {particular woman} that caused us to want to freely exchange vows.

      Bottom line is if close 85% of men are going to get married at least once (many of them more than once); odds are any woman who dating a man who doesn't want to get married either is not ready to be married or he doesn't see (her) as being "the one"!

      One man's opinion! :)

    • Emmyboy profile imageAUTHOR


      10 months ago from Nigeria

      Thank you so much Ardot for that secret.

      I will keep it mind until I get married...

      Ha ha ha

    • Ardot profile image


      10 months ago from Canada

      As a married man, I will share a secret to never feeling confined in marriage.

      Get your wedding ring one and one half sizes to big.

      It's psychological.

      The subconscious is reassured that you can remove the ring at any time, easily. Realistic? No.

      Symbolicly however..... Very powerful.


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