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You are content without sex: Would you rather your mate leave or cheat on you?

Updated on August 15, 2011

When The Fire Goes Out...

You have been in a long-term marriage or relationship and over the years your sex drive has dwindled. Maybe it never was all that high to begin with.

Initially like most relationships yours began as a hot and passionate romance.

You were making love 4 to 5 times a week and sometimes twice in a single day.

However after a year or so you found yourself being content with twice a week.

In your heart of hearts you are aware your mate or spouse would love to have sex 3 –4 times a week but they're not the type to push it.

A few more years went by and now you are down to having sex once a week as in prior years you also know that your spouse/mate would jump for joy if the two of you made love 4 times a week.

Basic math: 52 weeks in a year breaks down to you being content with sex 1 x 52 = 52, your mate 4 x 52 = 208.

There’s a staggering difference between 52 and 208 times a year!

According to statistics almost 1 in 5 marriages is considered a sexless marriage.

Sexless marriage is defined as a marriage in which a couple has sex 10 or less times a year. Therefore having sex 52 times a year is far from being a "sexless couple".

However according to the following article it’s not so much the number of times a couple is having sex as much as their perception of less or no sex being a problem.

"If a couple is content with intimacy less than once a month, and happily married, I doubt they would refer to themselves as having a sexless marriage … and neither would we."

Another assumption is it's "natural" to not want sex much after being a couple for several years.

On the other hand I have never heard of a couple waking up one day and saying,

“Let’s stop having sex so much”.

Generally speaking one person sets the tone and the other “goes along to get along.”

This is also mentioned in the article below.

“The Big No:The Truth About Sexless Marriages”

“It's not a given that a couple's bedroom activity will fizzle over time — we all know a randy couple who've been married for decades — but any number of factors could start the tailspin.

Psychotherapist Tina Tessina, PhD, author of "Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage," lists these as the most common causes of sexless marriages: one partner had their feelings hurt or got turned down too many times, one got too busy or neglectful, or one or both partners has a communication problem of some sort.”

So can a sexless marriage be healthy?

”The experts agree that a marriage without sex isn't necessarily wrong, but it can be more vulnerable than one with regular sex.”

It’s often argued there is much more to having a good relationship or marriage than sex.

This is true a and yet each year millions of dollars are spent on books, seminars/workshops, and counseling by couples and individuals looking to "reintroduce sex, passion, get the "spark" and romance back into their relationships".

"It's eaiser to maintain a fire than it is to reignite a spark!"

Sex in a marriage or long term relationship has less to do with a physical release.

It emotionally intensifies the relationship through becoming one physically.

Billions of dollars are spent on drugs such as Viagra and other sexual enhancing products every year. Apparently a lot of people feel that sex is a very important factor to having a healthy relationship.

You on the other hand are content with having sex only once in a while and would not miss it if you didn’t have sex. Obvisioulsy you don’t see sex as being a major component in a relationship.

Your view is companionship, comfort, and security is much more important.

One might say you are more of the “practical” type versus your mate who is more of a “romantic” type of individual.

As far as relationships go yours is another classic case of “opposites attract”.

And then....

One day your significant other works up the courage to tell you they have been "going along to get along" for years but actually want to have sex much more often.....etc

You tell your mate or spouse that you simply don’t have the interest nor the desire.

You repeat what you have heard "it’s natural for sexual desire to decline over the

years... etc"

"It’s unrealistic to expect to maintain the same level of passion as in the beginning".

In other words you have no intentions to make any changes.

Your mate/spouse is now faced with a few options.

1.Continuing to“go along to get along” hoping and praying “to get lucky” once in every blue moon,

2. Leave you

3. Dscretely cheat on you.

If you prefer not to have sex and see this as not being a problem although it appears to be abundantly important to your mate/spouse, you really need to worry about what your mate/spouse may be considering.

Would you rather they end your "long-term marriage/relationship" or quietly cheat on you?

If you have the higher sex drive, would you end a marriage or long-term relationship due to lack of sex?

Could you walk away from a relationship in which you have several years of emotional investment, raised a family, purchased home, and created hundreds if not thousands of memories…because your sexual needs were not being met?

Would you cheat?

I’ve heard it said, “In a good compromise no one walks away from the table completely happy.” Maybe for someone with a low sex drive having sex is akin to going to the gym, most of the effort takes place getting there but once they finish working out they're happy they did it.

As unromantic as it may sound maybe the answer is to keep a “lover’s calendar” with a goal of making love at least twice a week. Going from 52 to 104 times a year is at least meeting your mate/spouse half way.

If you are unwilling to meet your significant other (half way) odds are you don’t care whether they stay, cheat, or leave. In fact we usually withdraw mentally before withdrawing physically.

The lack of sexual interest in a relationship often times is a signal that there are bigger issues.

The truth is the longer a relationship lasts there should be less talk about "I and Me" and more talk about "Us and We".

Decisions should be made based upon "what's best for our marriage/relationship".

If you cannot think in those terms it's very likely you are not truly "emotionally invested" in the relationship.

The fear of "losing yourself"in a loving relationship may keep you from reaching new emotional highs. One just needs to know that their mate/spouse wants the same thing.

It's almost a cliché to hear "Communication is the key" but without it you're flying by the seat of your pants.

When two people first come together they have discussions about what they want in a relationship. Amazingly once a realtionship has been "cemented" it's rare for a couple to have discussions about how they are feeling about themselves as a couple until it's too late.

Rather than having meaningful conversations more often than not we silently grow apart.

Mignon McLaughlin once said:

"In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything and two minus one equals nothing"

Maybe tonight is perfect for dimming the lights, opening a bottle wine, sitting in front of the fireplace and having a discussion about "US". Who knows... "One thing may lead to another".

Sexless Marriage

Would You Stay In A Sexless Marriage/Relationship?

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      mickaa2001, Thanks for stopping by and posting your comment. A relationship without sex/romance is pretty much a good friendship. Most cheaters I believe are trying to hold onto what is good to them in their primary relationship while seeking to fulfill whatever real or preceived need they have on the side. Nothing beats having two people that want the same things!

    • mickaa2001 profile image

      mickaa2001 6 years ago from currently milton fl

      I would rather have the guy leave. I personally enjoy sex and I think that over time people do get caught up in everyday life which of coarse hurts the physical part of the relationship. I have been in a sexless relationship before. I stopped wanting to sleep with him first because he turned me down one time too often. Second because once i knew he cheated i didnt want him sexually anymore. i figured he could continue getting sex from whoever he started cheating with... great hub

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 7 years ago

      Thank you both Danny and Julie for your comments.

      The ideal relationship is one where both people want the same thing. Being (sexually compatible) is important for the majority of people whether one desires more sex or less sex.

      If both people are content without sex it's not a problem.

    • profile image

      julie 7 years ago

      I would stay in a sexless marriage. I don't like forcing people to have sex with just because it has become a societal norm.

    • profile image

      danny 7 years ago

      Are some people out of their minds? Sex is grossing me out and this is why I don't want a relationship. Being a good friend is hard enough. I don't need a relationship if I have to have sex while hating it. I need peace of mind. Nothing else.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 7 years ago

      Gina, Thanks for your comment.

      I agree it is not fair for anyone to expect their mate to foresake all others if they have no intention to have sex with them. It's like saying I won't feed you and I don't want you eating anywhere else. "When we change, our circumstances change." Simply put when we stop doing things that won our mate's heart we risk losing them.

    • profile image

      Gina 7 years ago

      I guess there are lots of reasons why marriages go sexless but it seems to me that if people don't like each other enough to want to have sex with each other they are wasting each other's lives by keeping their partner tied to them. I read Sexless Marriages and Other Relationship Disasters and there's several essays in there about marriage which seem to say that we shouldn't have the right to own our partner's sexuality if we are going to refuse to have sex with them and I think I agree with that.

    • profile image

      Nat. 8 years ago

      I don't want

      sex and I really don't care if wife cheats or not. Just don't tell me about it.

      Married 43 years and 30 of the past years weve been without sex.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 8 years ago

      Hello Chris,

      Thanks for taking the time to read my hub.

      Your comment saddens me though.

      You only have one life to live and if you aren't happy where you are then you have to leave

      What would you tell a daughter, sister, or a friend who was in your same situation?

      You deserve to have sex with someone you love and care about and he deserves to have a woman that loves him and wants to stay in bed with him after having sex.

      Are you willing to hang in their until his son is 18?

      Time is the most precious commodity on earth.

      When a minute passes by you can't get it back.

      You have to think of yourself as being President & CEO of "Me, Inc." It's time you made an "executive decision.

      "The world may not owe you anything but YOU owe yourself the world"

    • christalluna1124 profile image

      christalluna1124 8 years ago from Dallas Texas

      Really nice... But do you think i should want to sleep with someone who hangs out fro days at a time turns off the phone. I can't even stand his touch anymore. I still do just to get him off my case then I go sleep on the couch. I only stay due to the love i have for his son, he was two when we met, hes 8 now and I'm mommy to him. If I say anything about leaving he becomes devastated. We have nothing in common, I am very well educated, like arts, theatre, reading books of all types, holding an intelligent conversation with some one who listens and participates.

      Warmest Regards,