- Gender and Relationships»
You are content without sex: Would you rather your mate leave or cheat on you?
When The Fire Goes Out...
You have been in a long-term marriage or relationship and over the years your sex drive has dwindled. Maybe it never was all that high to begin with.
Initially like most relationships yours began as a hot and passionate romance.
You were making love 4 to 5 times a week and sometimes twice in a single day.
However after a year or so you found yourself being content with twice a week.
In your heart of hearts you are aware your mate or spouse would love to have sex 3 –4 times a week but they're not the type to push it.
A few more years went by and now you are down to having sex once a week as in prior years you also know that your spouse/mate would jump for joy if the two of you made love 4 times a week.
Basic math: 52 weeks in a year breaks down to you being content with sex 1 x 52 = 52, your mate 4 x 52 = 208.
There’s a staggering difference between 52 and 208 times a year!
According to statistics almost 1 in 5 marriages is considered a sexless marriage.
Sexless marriage is defined as a marriage in which a couple has sex 10 or less times a year. Therefore having sex 52 times a year is far from being a "sexless couple".
However according to the following article it’s not so much the number of times a couple is having sex as much as their perception of less or no sex being a problem.
"If a couple is content with intimacy less than once a month, and happily married, I doubt they would refer to themselves as having a sexless marriage … and neither would we."
Another assumption is it's "natural" to not want sex much after being a couple for several years.
On the other hand I have never heard of a couple waking up one day and saying,
“Let’s stop having sex so much”.
Generally speaking one person sets the tone and the other “goes along to get along.”
This is also mentioned in the article below.
“The Big No:The Truth About Sexless Marriages”
“It's not a given that a couple's bedroom activity will fizzle over time — we all know a randy couple who've been married for decades — but any number of factors could start the tailspin.
Psychotherapist Tina Tessina, PhD, author of "Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage," lists these as the most common causes of sexless marriages: one partner had their feelings hurt or got turned down too many times, one got too busy or neglectful, or one or both partners has a communication problem of some sort.”
So can a sexless marriage be healthy?
”The experts agree that a marriage without sex isn't necessarily wrong, but it can be more vulnerable than one with regular sex.”
It’s often argued there is much more to having a good relationship or marriage than sex.
This is true a and yet each year millions of dollars are spent on books, seminars/workshops, and counseling by couples and individuals looking to "reintroduce sex, passion, get the "spark" and romance back into their relationships".
"It's eaiser to maintain a fire than it is to reignite a spark!"
Sex in a marriage or long term relationship has less to do with a physical release.
It emotionally intensifies the relationship through becoming one physically.
Billions of dollars are spent on drugs such as Viagra and other sexual enhancing products every year. Apparently a lot of people feel that sex is a very important factor to having a healthy relationship.
You on the other hand are content with having sex only once in a while and would not miss it if you didn’t have sex. Obvisioulsy you don’t see sex as being a major component in a relationship.
Your view is companionship, comfort, and security is much more important.
One might say you are more of the “practical” type versus your mate who is more of a “romantic” type of individual.
As far as relationships go yours is another classic case of “opposites attract”.
One day your significant other works up the courage to tell you they have been "going along to get along" for years but actually want to have sex much more often.....etc
You tell your mate or spouse that you simply don’t have the interest nor the desire.
You repeat what you have heard "it’s natural for sexual desire to decline over the
"It’s unrealistic to expect to maintain the same level of passion as in the beginning".
In other words you have no intentions to make any changes.
Your mate/spouse is now faced with a few options.
1.Continuing to“go along to get along” hoping and praying “to get lucky” once in every blue moon,
2. Leave you
3. Dscretely cheat on you.
If you prefer not to have sex and see this as not being a problem although it appears to be abundantly important to your mate/spouse, you really need to worry about what your mate/spouse may be considering.
Would you rather they end your "long-term marriage/relationship" or quietly cheat on you?
If you have the higher sex drive, would you end a marriage or long-term relationship due to lack of sex?
Could you walk away from a relationship in which you have several years of emotional investment, raised a family, purchased home, and created hundreds if not thousands of memories…because your sexual needs were not being met?
Would you cheat?
I’ve heard it said, “In a good compromise no one walks away from the table completely happy.” Maybe for someone with a low sex drive having sex is akin to going to the gym, most of the effort takes place getting there but once they finish working out they're happy they did it.
As unromantic as it may sound maybe the answer is to keep a “lover’s calendar” with a goal of making love at least twice a week. Going from 52 to 104 times a year is at least meeting your mate/spouse half way.
If you are unwilling to meet your significant other (half way) odds are you don’t care whether they stay, cheat, or leave. In fact we usually withdraw mentally before withdrawing physically.
The lack of sexual interest in a relationship often times is a signal that there are bigger issues.
The truth is the longer a relationship lasts there should be less talk about "I and Me" and more talk about "Us and We".
Decisions should be made based upon "what's best for our marriage/relationship".
If you cannot think in those terms it's very likely you are not truly "emotionally invested" in the relationship.
The fear of "losing yourself"in a loving relationship may keep you from reaching new emotional highs. One just needs to know that their mate/spouse wants the same thing.
It's almost a cliché to hear "Communication is the key" but without it you're flying by the seat of your pants.
When two people first come together they have discussions about what they want in a relationship. Amazingly once a realtionship has been "cemented" it's rare for a couple to have discussions about how they are feeling about themselves as a couple until it's too late.
Rather than having meaningful conversations more often than not we silently grow apart.
Mignon McLaughlin once said:
"In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything and two minus one equals nothing"
Maybe tonight is perfect for dimming the lights, opening a bottle wine, sitting in front of the fireplace and having a discussion about "US". Who knows... "One thing may lead to another".