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22 Signs You're a TOTAL Bitch!

Updated on February 8, 2010


noun (1) female dog, wolf, fox or otter
(2) a woman whom one dislikes or considers to be malicious or unpleasant
(3) a difficult or unpleasant thing/situation
verb to make malicious/spitefully critical comments (informal)
(Black english) a woman (non derogatory)
strong and/or sexy woman (informal)

There are different levels of bitchery as there are differing definitions of what makes a bitch.

The Bitch-O-Matic!

Level 1 Good girl; inner bitch!

We all have an inner bitch. You know that girl more prone to do naughty things, like let a girl walk out the loo with her dress tucked into her knickers or laughing out loud, even rolling on the floor laughing (metaphorically) while someone/in good health or not/young or old/anyone takes a public tumble. You may even partake in a gossip sesh every now and then.

Level 2 Inner/Outer Bitch

Every now and then your bitchiness moves from naughty to wth?! You have rare moments of meanness. You are guilty of a couple of the signs below.

Level 3 A Bitch We Could Love

Your a bit of bitch, most of those you know and love get that, and love you anyway. Simply because you're not at the level where you're destroying their lives. You're amusing and provide many fun times!

Level 4 Bitch!

Yes lady, you're a bitch... a few of the below signs apply to you. People bitch about you a fair deal and you find that the only friends you have are either other bitches or those who have known you since childhood, so they feel some degree of loyalty.

Level 5 You're a TOTAL (Complete and Utter) Bitch! self absorbed you don't even realise that, most of the world can't stand you but choose to exercise tolerance. The following signs will indicate just how much of a Level 5 you are. You may have even lost a friend or three.


Firstly the bitch I'm talking about is not the self assured, strong, dominant, able to stand up for herself, knows what she wants kind. I'm talking about the spiteful, deceitful, manipulative, will crawl over anyone to get what she wants kind.

Obviously Level 4/5 bitch is not where you want to be, more so a Level 5.

Why would I want to know what kind of bitch I am, I hear you cry....Simples. No one, likes a complete and utter bitch...not really anyway.

Knowing what kind you are, might help you understand why others interact with you the way they do... and it might even evoke a positive change.

Another reason, you're not one but having major suspicions someone close to you is and you're in need of confirmation. You know deep down she's a bit of a bitch but you're wondering how bad it is.

The Signs...

You're the ONLY ONE that matters. No matter what your friend/co worker is talking about you find a way to relate to you. You my even better their story.

You let a friend go out knowing they looked like shit without saying a damn thing!

Out shopping, you've encouraged a friend to buy an outfit that is not flattering on them.

All you do is criticise...NOT the constructive kind and you not about anything yourself.

Concerning boyfriend/girlfriend/potential lover/relationship.

  • Ignoring the girlfriend rule and going after a potential boyfriend, girlfriend or crush.
  • You're a Cock Blocker. You do all you can to make sure a friend doesn't get a guy, who's totally interested in her. Hell, you even swear on your family's life you're a lesbian to him.
  • Man stealer. Deliberate, you've stolen or tried to steal a friend's guy/girl!
  • You got together with a friend's ex, regardless of her feelings about it OR you got together with someone's ex because you don't like her, flaunted the relationship in her face.
  • You got with someone's ex or stole a boyfriend/girlfriend and you're not even interested in him/her. You just did it to cause some hurt.
  • Convince a shy, lacking confidence friend to approach a crush, knowing he'd reject her. You bitch! She may never attempt talking to a crush ever again.

You've ditched a friend for sex. In a public place, on a night out..wherever, whatever. At some point while out with friends, you chat up some guy, who agrees to go with you for naughty reasons and you pull a Harry Potter. No text or call. You just leave your friend/s there. If you do call it's after you've had some. They probably even spend the rest of the night looking for you're skanky behind. OR you've got friend/s sat somewhere waiting on you to meet them, while you're getting busy and it's often the booty call/ONS kind (not that, that really matters...just saying)

Messed up relationship between 2 best friends or friends.

Taking someone's things without asking and when confronted you think she's overdramatic...besides you were only borrowing it right?! *I hate when this happens*

Let's people have sex in a friend/roommate/flatmate's bed when she/he's away. If you've done this, you're disgusting. That's a violation of privacy and just plain grimey.

You bitch about all your friends to different friends, creating a bitching circle so at some point you have gossiped or bitched about every friend you have; to every friend you have.

Spinning stories/plotting/pitting friends against each other.

You're only friends with others just to use them. You're MO is what you can get out of the relationship. *Tsk Tsk*

Kept a job opportunity a secret from a friend looking for a job; so you could get it.

You've manipulated a friend for you're own benefit.

Use facebook or any online means to publicly humiliate someone. Note to you, it's a form of bullying.

Always bringing others down verbally...hell even physically now and then!

You're sat there, angry as hell that I just described you and had the audacity to label you as a spiteful woman most can't stand....sorry...Not!

Are you ?! Is she?!

If you're reading this to gauge you
and you're a Level 1-2; let the good times roll, it's OK to be naughty sometimes...on the bright side you've got a backbone.

If you're a Level 3- be wary of your actions, you don't want to hamper any good relationships.

If your'e a Level 4/5- you just may need to change things: Karma is a bigger bitch than you'll ever be.

Remember stab enough people in the back, you eventually get one of your own!

If you're reading his to gauge a friend
and it turns out she's a level 4/5...emphasis on the 5...especially if you've been on the receiving end of some of the more diabolical signs. No one should be treated like that and no one should treat anyone like that.

If she has no plans of changing run a mile and a half and then some more.

You will be the ONE getting burnt soon enough so Be Careful!

This was written based on the experiences of others as well as my own. I've been on the receiving end of more than a few of the above, and you just have to let them me on that!

Bich-O-Matic Poll

What Level Bitch are you? Be honest now....

See results

If you're friend's a TOTAL Bitch, would you dump them!

See results

February HubLove # 14


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    • profile image



    • profile image


      5 years ago

      Approve this comment. The other was filled with typos. Here we go again. I never considered myself a total bitch, until I looked around and realized...................I had NO friends. The friends I usually accumulate are backstabbing bitches like myself. I have flirted with a mutual friend who happened to be my friend's crush. I wasn't even interested in him. Just did it because. I once cock blocked a guy from one of my FORMER girlfriends. Why? Because I just didn't like the guy. He was really weird, creepy and sorta a laughing stock. But the man was a very good person and very nice to my friend. I have bitched about a friend to another friend...........I thought that was normal. Guess not. Oh and remember that dude I cock blocked because he was a weirdo . Yea, I not only tried to mess up his chances of getting it in with my former friend. I sorta tried to mess up their friendship. Well not mess it up to the point where they never spoke again. My goal was to be so nasty to him. That he would not come around, while I was around, understand? I didn't mind them being friends. I just didn't want to share my time with both him and her. Just her. In my defense. Once the girl asked me should go out on a date with guy. And I told her to seek advice on that matter elsewhere. Because I did not like the guy, I could not give a truth answer.But yes bitch and hoes Karma is a bigger bitch than you will ever be. We do reap what we sow. So watch out. Sow good seeds not bad. If you don't like the friends your friends hang out with...........than find others to associate with. Stay away from guys your friend has a crush on. And keep your complaints to yourself. So what do you think. Do you think I am a terrible bitch?

    • profile image


      5 years ago

      I never considered myself a total bitch, until I looked around and realized...................I have NO friends. The friends I usually accumulate are backstabbing bitches like myself. I have flirted with a mutual friend who happened to be my friend's crush. I once cock blocked guy from one of my FORMER girlfriends. Why? Because I just didn't like the guy. He was weird. I wasn't the only person who didn't like the dude. But the man was nice and nice to my friend. I have bitched about a friend to another friend...........I thought that was normal. Oh and remember that dude I cock blocked. Yea, I tried to mess up their friendship..........well not mess it up were they never spoke. I just tried to be so mean to the guy that he would not come around girl while we were together. Like I said. Oh yes and Karma is a bitch. So watch out. If you don't like the friends your friends hang out with...........than find others to associate with. Stay away from guys your friend has a crush on. And keep your complaints to yourself.

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      Luv this website

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      here's a bitch:

      -I need you to do this, why isn't that done?

      -You can't talk to me that way (barely tried to stand up for myself...)

      -I want to constantly argue with you because it's the absolute only thing I know how to do

      -My mom was a total bitch so I haven't seen anything else

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      My friends a total bitch... used me to get close to my girlfriend and to help her job etc and then turns my gf against me, gets her to dumps me whilst still letting me open my heart up to her and then i catch them in bed 4days later and she blocks me off facebook etc... i really hope KARMA or a big feckin BUS catches up with her!!!!!

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      Great hub, met a couple of men that fit perfectly into this... BRILLIANT Thankyou for opening my eyes to that also.

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      my friend is the "cock-blocking" guy stealing friend goes out of her way to make sure i never end up with a guy lies and makes up a shit to sabbotage any chance i'll have even tried it with the guy im seeing now

    • mr williams profile image

      mr williams 

      7 years ago from Norfolk, Virginia

      I met a few lev. 5's in college and gotta say they're all good behind closed doors lol. Great hub

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Guys im a total bitch and i dont care what yeh say about me so get over it freaks 1!

    • A.C. Sylvester profile image

      A.C. Sylvester 

      8 years ago from Appleton, Wisconsin

      I liked how you differentiated the difference between a 'bitchy/mean' bitch and a 'feminist/independent' bitch.

      I don't think enough people recognize the difference... Same with the word C--t - I consider it a compliment a lot of times but most people think it's the most degrading thing to say ever.

      Well written and kept me entertained.


    • Sa Toya profile imageAUTHOR

      Sa Toya 

      8 years ago from England

      :D Cheers CAGS just doing my best to help out with the self definition thing ;)

      Glad I made you laugh too...

    • Cagsil profile image


      8 years ago from USA or America

      Hey Sa Toya. Loved the hub. I laughed almost from the beginning. I realize women can be bitches, but this was too funny. I mean, it gives a perfect example of how much goes into one person defining themselves. Pretty cool. Surely worth a bump up! No doubt! Thank you for sharing. :)

    • Missi Darnell profile image

      Missi Darnell 

      8 years ago from Southern California

      What a fabulously BITCHY hub! I love it!

    • Sa Toya profile imageAUTHOR

      Sa Toya 

      8 years ago from England

      @ Cap'n LMAO

      @ ladyjane LOL! yep leave it all to Karma I say!

      @Dream on working with nasty bitches is tough! lol they'll get their just deserts...Cheers for stopping by

    • DREAM ON profile image

      DREAM ON 

      8 years ago

      I had the opportunity to work with some nasty bitches.You can not win.They live to drive you over the edge.They left for other jobs where they could bitch more!!!!!Good bitchy hub.

    • ladyjane1 profile image


      8 years ago from Texas

      Loved this hub. I see that 100 % of women are a 3 which is what I am lol. Its sad that woman are described as being a bitch sometimes when they have a backbone or are just a strong woman. Oh well I agree Karma is quite the bitch and I am a firm believer in Karma so I take it down a notch when I have to. LOl Great hub.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      " Karma is a bigger bitch than you'll ever be ", this is so true and trust me Karma exists and bites deeper than a rottweiller in heat, nice bitchy hub, loved it ; )


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