- Gender and Relationships
The better relationship and how to achieve it!
The makings of a fantastic Relationship
Hi! We are here to discuss the qualities that make a relationship work. This is our first hand experience in our own lives. My boyfriend and I have some really good advice. Some things we have learned through counseling with our former partners. But overall we have lived through it. We hope that you will take this information to heart. We have five children between the two of us, and have noticed things that seem to work in their relationships and the things that don't.
We are both friends with some of our Ex's and we don't have any hang ups with it. Although, we are friends with them we also understand that sometimes it is impossible to carry on a friendship after a breakup. Neither of us has any schooling professionally in this other than "The School of Hard Knocks - Called Life". We don't profess that this will work for everybody., but we do hope that what we share with you will give you some insightful information.
Relationships - How to's.. - Check them out.
Find something here on amazon. Plenty of how to's and what fors, little knick knacks, and adult toys.
The # 1 Cause for Breakups
Is in the breakdown of Communicating with the other person!
We want to hear from you. - What are your thoughts about achieving the perfect relationship?
We are not professional shrinks or anything like that. I have and accounting degree and was married three times. Overall time span since I was 17 was spent being married until I was 38. My partner was a business owner and married for over 21 years. For what ever the reason, our marriages broke down and now we want to share information with you on what makes it work. But first we pose a question to start us off.
Is your relationship worth working on?
Love is many things to many people, what is it to you?
10% What happens to you and 90% what you do about it.
off the "Steve Harvey Show"
These are sites that also write about relationship. - Good information from these sites
I like to get involved with some of these sites too! Information is closely to what I have learned in my life, No degree to come up with some of the same answers they have. I have listed some top sites for relationship counseling and quizzes you can take.
FEAR is not RESPECT
Some Good Qualities.
What does it take to have a good relationship?
The first thing in a good relationship is STOP looking for it. When cupid has you in his sights, it will happen and you won't even know that it has happened. The funniest thing that is with relationships is that they grow the best when left alone to develop and mature at the rate they are suppose to, I know that sounds weird and all, but it is the truth.
There are all sorts of relationships that we have in our lives, one being with our parents and family , another being with our 1st grade teacher and the other children in our classrooms. So we learn how to have some good and bad relationships. Most of us were disciplined as children and as we got older the discipline changed as well. We went from having to stand in a timeout to being grounded for the actions we took. Everywhere you look you have some sort of contact with other people. Knowing how to communicate with them is the key to all relationships. Yes COMMUNICATION is where most of the problems start and ends.
Now let us take a look at what makes a good relationship work. One thing I found out for myself is that when it is treated as a partnership from the get go, it runs very smoothly. You don't have to be up the other persons rear 24/7/365 a year. Some things that should be in a relationship is Respect, Trustworthiness, Honesty, Being Fair, Being able to Negotiate, and living in a safe place without violence or threatening behavior.
Well now we have the makings of a wonderful relationship and all of this will tie together with the way we Communicate with each other. When we communicate with our best friends we have a give and take conversation, well this is true when you are with your life partner as well. A relationship is hard work but that does not mean it has to exhaust you and if it does then we really need to take a closer look at some things. We should have respect to listen to one another, value the other's opinion, and be open minded. Respect is not FEAR, unfortunately so many people believe just the opposite of that. If you are living in FEAR of the other person then there is no respect between the two of you. Respect means that we will attempt to be understanding of the other's emotions. Respect means understanding that we are all different and what brings us together is our moral fibers. We don't have to agree with everything the other person is saying, but we do need to give them the affirmation that they deserve to know that we have at least heard everything that they have said to us. And our partners need to feel that they are safe in telling us those feelings too.
Trustworthiness is being able to trust each other with everything, and I do mean everything. My partner and I trust each other with everything in our lives, I usually don't trust someone to drive me around but with him I fall asleep and that is a big thing for me, cause I have such a hard time sleeping now a days. When you trust your partner with every little detail of your life, and they trust you with theirs, then you are on the winning team.
The hub to all relationships.
Part of the Biggest Problem Is
Oh I know we all know how to talk but do we know how to communicate with others? Communication is a real big thing because not everyone understands that listening is part of communicating also. And we don't need to ever raise our voices when we are communicating. How many of you have been yelled at or had someone always putting you down? Come on I want to see hands go up. Good, Ah and you over there I saw your hand go up. Well when we are yelled at we tend to shut down and stop listening.
Did you hear what I was saying? We shut everything down and all you hear is blah blah blah, blabity blah. In order to have a good relationship there must be communication between the both of you. This does not mean that you have to yell at each other. Communicating is both listening and talking and give the same courtesy and respect to your partner to do the same. When we misunderstand what our partner is trying to say this has been know to lead up to arguments and then we have to deal with the aftermath. This aggravation will most definitely have an effect on our relationships at work and in our personal lives. So we need to communicate effectively. Effective communication is being able to understand the non-verbal communication that is happening at the time you are communicating with others. In order to understand some of these non-verbal communication things that people do, you really th That they are expressing as well. We will get into that a little more later on. This will improve your relationships at home, work, and in your everyday social situations. It will also improve on decision making and working together as a team.
Our Partner needs to be Heard!
Are we need to really listening to them?
Communication - Using a couples Dialouge.
Lets listen to what they say about the couples dialouge.
Why is communication such a big deal?
Communication is in every part of our lives. We have to communicate when we are hungry, angry, lonely and tired. Now take the first letter of all of those words H. A. L. T., this is to remind you to think before you talk. If you have ever been in an abusive relationship, don't you wish that the abuser would of listened to this piece of advice. When you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired, those are the worst times to try and hash things out, why you ask? Well it is rather easy…you are not thinking about what you want to say at those times…If your hungry you need to eat, if your angry then walk away and cool off, when you are lonely you are wanting some satisfaction with feeling comfort, when your tired you want to sleep. SO I like to use the HALT method when something needs to be talked out.
When the H is hunger, we will change it to Honesty. When we communicate with our partner we need to honest with our partner, no half-truths, it should always be 100% truth. My partner and I are so honest with each other and I have a funny story to go along with that. My daughter came to visit one weekend, and I had been asleep (which doesn't come easily for me) so my partner had left to get coffee and go see a buddy. Well I woke up half asleep, I tried to catch the phone, and little did I know that it was my daughter standing at my door. And so I sleepily sat up and tried to look outside, I saw what I thought was our car in the driveway. So I scratched my head trying to figure out where my partner was; I open the door and let my daughter in to our home. Crawled back into bed and called my partner. And I asked him where he was? Now he is thinking that I just forgot that he told me that he was headed over to his buddies' house. I then proceeded to ask how he got there, because I saw the car in the driveway. Now my partner was scratching his head because he had driven the car, but ok he thinks well maybe someone came by and got our car. During this whole time my partner had thought he lost his mind, because I would never tell him anything that wasn't true. So he started second guessing himself as to what he drove. So while I was on the phone, he went outside his buddy's home and tells me no honey the car is here with me. By now I have woken up a little more, and then asked my daughter where she parked. "I parked in the driveway, mom" she says to me. Now the bells and whistles are going off in my head. Good lord, I never thought we would stop laughing. Even to this day my partner has to make sure I am all the way awake before telling me something. He swore that we had talked and I had no reason to doubt him, but for the life of me I did not remember a thing of our conversation.
Now we can turn anger into accountability. We need to be accountable for our own actions and no one else's. This will make more sense in another section of this article. But I will say this much, with changing the two things in my H.A.L.T method of communicating. We have started Honesty and Accountability in the way we communicate. It means we are communicating openly and honestly with our partners. Admitting our short comings and any mistakes. We are not perfect, but working on it. All of the things I mention here will be discussed in detail in another section; I just want to point out how they link together more or less.
When we are communicating with our partners, we want to always be calm and speak in a mono tone voice. There is no reason to yell or raise your voice. Now, what shall we change the L to? We are going to turn from Lonesome or Lonely to a Listening partner. As a Listening partner we should acknowledge the others feelings and if we are not sure what they meant by what they said, then ask them by paraphrasing what they said and ask them "Is that right?" or "Did I understand you to say?". This should alleviate any misunderstandings, who would have thought that those simple questions could have made so many lives a whole lot easier. This is also showing your partner that you respect them and value what they have to say.
This is the one thing that many abused women are constantly trying to achieve, and that is to be Heard. When we have respect for our partner this is not even an issue, don't get me wrong even the best of relationships can have a brief moment where the communication is a little off. It might not be because they were not listening with their ears but they were not listening to the non-verbal pieces of the communication that they had. Here is a little scenario, you and your partner are having a wonderful discussion, however let's say our partner is watch the "Boob Tube" and you are not directly in the room with them, you would not see that their partner is concentrating on the screen in front of them, or maybe they have their arms crossed together. The one is an obvious, I am just giving you lip service so I can go back to working on watching the TV, while the other one is showing an annoyance with the conversation and they really don't want to talk right at this moment. Darn it, had we been sitting right in front of them and making eye contact with them we would have seen that they were not pleased about being interrupted to have this little conversation.
I know my partner and I are guilty of this, and with my disability it is easy to do. We are just creatures of habit and when I get irritated with someone talking to me from a different room; it is obviously in my voice that I am displeased. But I try not to yell across the house, I just feel that is disrespectful. It is a good thing this Latin blooded American does not hold true to my ancestors and have the attitude that they had back in the day. Wow, and what a story I could tell there, but that will be for another day. Now the "T" from tired, we will change to "Talking", talking not yelling. And we want to talk calmly, try to not be confrontational and be willing to listen to what they have to say and visa versa.
So at this point I am ready for a break, how about you? Since, my stomach is kind of growling rather loudly, I believe this is a good spot to take a break. We will continue this in another section, for now take a moment to process everything that you have read and let it sink in, now is the time to take a bathroom break or coffee break.
Have a Willingness To
Listen to our partners point of view.
Keeping your own and letting them keep theirs too!
Listening to the
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All images have been provided by the author.
All relationships have there ups and downs. And even though they do, we still work everything out. Never go to bed mad or angry. Those are just a few tips.