- Gender and Relationships
Love Life and Romantic Myths: Avoid Falling Into These Traps
After observing thousands of love relationships as a matchmaker, and over 25 years of empirical research involving relationships, spirituality, and personality assessment, including writing a book about soul mates, we’ve concluded that there are many love life expectations and traps that repeatedly burden even the smartest and most successful people.
Consider the tenets below to make the most of your romantic life, whether you're involved or single.
1) More than just romance. Romance is great, but our findings firmly suggest that relationships tend to be more for personal learning and growth, so a more realistic approach is recommended.
2) “You can create whatever you want.” Many of today’s New Age and self-help authors claim you can create whatever you want in relation to love matters or the other parts of your life. However, we’re advocates of the philosophy held by many of the ancient practitioners (and also those from the Middle Ages and beyond, up to about 1600 AD) of astrology and number mysticism: Everyone does have f’ree will, but personal fate and karma (both "good” and “bad”) also exist, especially in regards to love.
This means that you’re born with fated circumstances in motion, but you have free will, within the confines of your fate and karma, to make the most of any situation. For example, anyone who wants to cannot become an NBA basketball star; only those born with the talent and mental and physical attributes that are required, and whose destined path includes it, will be able to reach such a goal.
Likewise, it’s good to know what you want for your love life, but going with the flow when it’s not meant to be will help you avoid additional stress and heartache.
It’s important to also consistently strive for your goals in life. A belief in predestination has nothing to do with holding a passive disposition in life. It does mean, however, that everyone has key, unique, unalterable circumstances in life, and f’ree will to react to them. We believe the best approach is to accept what (and who) you can’t change, but to also make the most of yourself and your life.
3) The Prince/Princess Charming syndrome: People are generally conditioned from an early age to believe they need to find the one perfect person to meet all of their needs for the rest of their life. This is impossible, but many still strive for it and then think they "failed" if their expectations aren't met.
Just recently, we read an article in which the author, a mother of three, mentioned her 5 year-old daughter calls brides in their wedding gowns "princesses." This sort of outlook, although amusing coming from a child, isn’t that disconnected from those exhibited by many adults, unfortunately.
Combine that outlook with the nagging feeling of being alone because being single in our society is shunned, expectations, the tendency to jump into relationships without considering the consequences and alas, you have the perfect formula for an unhappy love life.
Distorted idealism and sky-high expectations will usually set one up for disappointment. It’s okay to know what you like, but make sure you meet most of your own requirements, and keep in mind that each person you meet is for different reasons relating to your spiritual progression, and it’s usually not related to being a prince or princess.
4) “It’s all their fault.” Instead of blaming, consider your role in the situation. Example 1: "The man I'm dating has a fear of commitment." Ask yourself why you chose (on some level) a person who doesn't want a commitment. He is, in some way, a reflection of you, and it may help to consider the pros and cons of committing for life from his viewpoint as well. Example 2: "The people I date usually want me to change and never like me for me." It’s possible you're not accepting/loving yourself for who you are and, or you're not being the best you can be in some way (usually appearance or personality). Example 3: "Everyone I date/all my ex-spouses couldn't be monogamous." Commonly, if someone consciously or subconsciously prefers or needs variety, but they stuff or repress it (because society tells them it’s wrong), they'll attract someone who'll express it for them.
Copyright © 2009 Scott Petullo, Stephen Petullo