What Makes A Great Husband
The Husband List
When I was about 16, I made a list of all the qualities I wanted in a husband. Must be the cutest guy in the whole world. Must have a great job making millions of dollars. Must treat me like a queen. Stuff like that. Well, after two marriages and two divorces, I made a different list. A more reasonable list. I'd like to share some of that list with you. And I'd also like to share how my husband, John, stacks up to that list.
In my house, we have what we refer to as The Great Waffle Incident. It happened about 3 years ago. John wanted chocolate chip waffles but he couldn't find any chocolate chips. So he settled on plain old chocolate waffles. Now the only thing chocolate in the house was a tub of chocolate frosting. But he didn't let that stop him. He got himself a couple spoonfuls and mixed it right in with the waffle batter. When the waffle iron was ready, he poured in the batter and closed the lid. It only took about 30 seconds for the chocolate batter to start oozing out of the sides. My husband, being a novice waffle maker, had walked away from the waffle maker, so he didn't notice right away. By the time he came back, half the counter top was covered in a brown sticky mess. Needless to say, his waffles are now made in the toaster.
You might be wondering where I was during this whole incident. Well, I was sitting quietly at the table eating my secret stash of chocolate chips.
John has what he calls his invisibility glasses. When he wears them, no one can see him (that's what he thinks!). The sad thing is, I think he really believes he's invisible. When he sneaks a piece of cake right before dinner, he wears his invisibility glasses. When he realizes he's left 9 dirty cups sitting in the living room and tries to sneak them into the kitchen, he wears his invisibility glasses. When he tries to sneak my socks out of my drawer (I don't know what's wrong with his socks), he wears his invisibility glasses. And then when I say "I can see you!" he acts shocked. Except for the times when he ignores me (in hope that he's still invisible and I was just talking to the cat).
Johnny will do just about anything for a dollar!
My husband is a great guitarist. When he plays, he puts all his concentration in it. He really gives it everything he's got. Most of the time he closes his eyes, bobs his head around and just goes with the flow of the music. It would be amazing to watch him except.............Did I mention he plays the air guitar? Did I also mention he likes to do this while he's driving?
Must be honest
But not too honest
I love honesty. I crave honesty. I just want to be told the truth. But sometimes there's such a thing as too much truth. John likes to tell too much truth.
For instance, a couple weeks ago I bought two pairs of jeans. The first pair looked great. The next pair didn't fit so good. What did John have to say about it? "You look like you're 30 pounds overweight and trying to fit into your little sisters jeans"
Really? He couldn't just say the first pair looked better?
How could I not love a guy who sleeps like this?
Both my ex-husbands were older than me and that's the way I like it. In fact, every man I've ever dated has been older than me...... Except Johnny. Nope. Not Johnny. I really robbed the cradle with this one. I'm a whoppin 6 years older than him. Now, I know what your thinking. Six years isn't that much of a difference. And your right. I don't even think it's that much of a difference.......until I start to think about it. Consider this:
One day we were sitting around with our friends talking about September 11. I stated that I was at home with my 3 kids when it happened. Johnny said "I was sitting in my 8th grade social studies class"! Oh my gosh! Did I ever feel old!
Johnny was 12 when my first child was born. (12!!)
By the time Johnny graduated high school, I had been married twice and had 4 kids.
I started smoking before Johnny even started kindergarten.
I had my first kiss before he was even born!
Now tell me six years isn't that big of a difference!
I know this one sounds weird, but my ex used to follow me around the store like a two year old asking if we were done yet. Thankfully, Johnny doesn't do that. Oh, it's not that he likes shopping....He just finds ways to amuse himself. Here's a couple of his favorite store games:
1. cart racing (complete with sound effects)
2. Seeing how many cereal boxes can he knock over with the cart
3. Collecting those little papers with the paint colors on them (every single one!)
4. Seeing how many donuts he can eat before we get to the checkout.
4. Seeing how many stereos he can turn on before a clerk stops him
And two new games...
5. lemon juggling!
6. Attempting to open every door in the frozen food section at the same time, which requires him to race up the isle (it looks like he's on an episode of Supermarket Sweep!)
Sigh....... At least he doesn't follow me around asking if we're done yet.
Dammit John!! T ShirtsBUY NOW
Must be good to animals
There's this lake about 45 minutes away from where we live. On this lake is a boat dock. A long time ago the owner of the boat dock started throwing food to the catfish who dared to come close enough. Then he started selling fish food at the concession stand so visitors could also feed the catfish. Now, when someone walks on the dock, a whole herd of fat catfish come swimming to the surface begging to be fed (I swear they're like dogs).
Well, Johnny and I went to the dock the other day. It was my first time, so I was sooo excited to feed the fish. But when we got there, the concession stand was closed. I accepted it and decided that seeing all the fat catfish was good enough. But Johnny wasn't so accepting. He wanted to feed them something. Anything.
First he started spitting. For the first couple minutes, every time he spit a big fish would come to the surface and gobble it up. Then they realized they were getting shafted, so they started ignoring him again.
So he started throwing lint. And of course they gobbled that down too. But a person only has so much lint.
So then he started throwing the only thing left in his pocket. Pocket change! That's right. Pennies, nickels, and dimes all went into the water. And those stupid fat catfish ate them!
All I could think about was when I used to watch my parents fish poop when I was a kid. Fish don't exactly have a big poop-hole. So how are those pennies, nickels and dimes going to come out? I'm guessing they're just going to stay there and someday when a fisherman nabs him a big fat catfish, he's going to find a little surprise inside.
Since we're talking about animals...
Johnny is allergic to cats.
Johnny doesn't like cats.
So what does Johnny do to display his dislike?
He cuts off the cats whiskers.
Must be handy at repairs
I fully believe that every man should know his way around a tool bag and possess at least a basic knowledge of how things work. So of course I would expect my own husband to be able to handle common household repairs, even if it's just a temporary fix.
John's handyman abilities are touch and go. He can install a complicated ceiling fan, but he can't figure out why the hot water heater quit working. He can reframe a door but he can't fix the doorknob. I never really know what he's going to be able to fix, but I still trust him to handle the simple stuff. So this morning when I walked in and found the shower head holder was broke, I figured he would be able to rig it up for at least the 15 minutes I needed it for, so I called him in and asked him to do a quick fix until we could get to the store. It took him about fifteen minutes to come up with an idea and about 5 seconds to "make the repairs". Afterwards, he turned around and looked at me like I was an idiot for not coming up with this idea myself.
His Genius Plan
Ummm...I don't think so.
3 seconds of John
This is a sound I hear a dozen times a day. Every time he's happy, mad, excited, bored or just plain awake, he does this.
The new list
I've looked at my list over and over again. I've tried to figure out a way that my husband can meet every quality on that list.
It's just not possible.
So I've decided to make a new list. It only includes two things.
Must love me more than anything
Must make me laugh
There. Now he meets every single quality.
This lens won a purple star award!
Photos and text; Â© 2010-2013 Catherine Taylor. All Rights Reserved
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