- Gender and Relationships
10 Things You Should Never Tell Your Friend After The Breakup
As a friend, it is a good step to undertake to comfort your friend who is grieving the loss of a loved one. In this case, a breakup, it would be the right thing to comfort your friend who is grieving the loss of a relationship because her now-ex is no longer part of her life. Many times when our friends are grieving the loss of a person be it a loved one who passed away or the end of a relationship, we tend to say things we shouldn’t. We mean good but we normally end up hurting them more than they are hurt. This might lead the friend to distance herself from you or begin disliking you and probably hate you.
As such we should be careful what we say to our friends as we try to console them. Remember it is not bad to console as it will help them to heal from the hurt. In case of a breakup, it is very important as a friend to console your friend. This is because it will help in the healing process and eventual recovery from the breakup.
If a period of time has gone by and she seems to have not healed nor recovered from the breakup, then that is when you need to bring to her attention the words you had intended to tell her during the initial time after the breakup. In the initial period after the breakup she’s hurting so much so it makes sense saying some things might increase the pain further. However, after some time has passed and you believe she should have healed and recovered from the breakup but she hasn’t, then it is proper to tell her she cannot mourn the loss of the relationship for too long and she needs to get herself together.
The following are things you shouldn’t tell your ex during the initial moment she is mourning the loss of a relationship.
1. Your Ex Is Valueless
He is worthless, insignificant, useless, meaningless and of no value. Hmm…As much as you think your friend’s ex is useless you should remember your friend invested herself into the failed relationship. Even if she doesn’t love her ex wholly, there’s a small part of her that still loves her ex. When you tell her how her ex is useless it will not help her feel any good. It will only increase the ache in her heart because there are things about her ex she loves.
2. Your Ex Doesn’t Deserve You
It may be true her ex doesn’t deserve her but the fact is your friend still has feelings for her ex. Even if her ex was abusive she will not during the initial stage of breakup believe her ex doesn’t deserve her. Let her come to that realization by herself her ex doesn’t deserve her. As for now, she believes her ex deserves her as she deserves him. It will take time before she realizes maybe they don’t deserve each other.
3. You Will Get One Soon
Yah, but not sooner. In any case, she hasn’t even healed from the hurt and recovered from the breakup. Until when she has recovered from the breakup, it won’t serve right to remind her there are misters so and so. She is in the grieving period, it is not yet time for her to know there are men out there and one of them will be her Mr. Right. You will be increasing the ache in her heart because she still feels her ex is still Mr. Everything.
4. Act In A Manly Manner
This is far from true. Telling someone to act in a manly manner is treating the person like a thing which has no feelings. Mourning is part of human experience. No one is immune. It is not weakness to grieve the loss of a relationship. There is nothing manly when a person experiences hurtful emotions. Tears are part of nature. They are not limited to women only.
5. Get Yourself Together
Your friend is grieving the end of the relationship, how can she get herself together during that period? She is falling apart and the emotions are running wildly in her mind. During the first days after the breakup, it is hard to get oneself together. However, as days go by then it is possible to tell her she needs to get herself together. This is when you notice there’re no signs of her healing from the hurt or recovering from the breakup. During the initial period after the breakup, you should be the one holding her so she can gain the strength to stand and move.
6. I Told You So
True, you told her not to get attached to her ex. You warned her because you knew her ex too well. Maybe, you didn’t know her ex well but you felt the relationship wouldn’t survive because of a variety of reasons which you had noticed. Well, it won’ help in any way to remind your friend you warned her to steer clear from her ex. When she remembers you forewarned her - by reminding her - it will only increase the hurt. She might even end up depressed. At times in life when we fall in love with the wrong person we don’t usually watch out for the warning signs. We come to realize later we were never meant to be in a relationship with our ex.
7. I Have Never Liked Your Ex
Sure, but remember your friend liked her ex. If she never liked her ex she wouldn’t have engaged in the relationship. Therefore, keep it to yourself. You wouldn’t want to hurt your friend more than she is hurt. She is mourning. For the time being yours is to comfort her. Don’t comfort her by showing your disgust against her boyfriend. You never know, she still likes her ex very much. Even after a breakup, we cannot deny – for those who have undergone various breakups – there are some exes we end up liking even when we are engaged in another relationship. As such, if you don’t like your ex, your friend probably likes her ex very much.
8. There Is A Guy/Lady
Right! I mean, you cannot bring to her attention there is a guy who can fit her. The healing process hasn’t even begun, how will she be able to engage in the relationship you are suggesting? She doesn’t need any new partner as of now. First, let her heal and recover from the breakup. When she has begun moving on then you can bring to her attention there is a guy you think will be a good fit for her.
9. Life Is Too Short
True, life is too short but again in that shortness of life we can manage it so we can benefit from it. Don’t tell your friend life is too short, so she doesn’t need to mourn or grieve. She should get herself together and go to party or meet new friends and such. During the initial period after breakup, remember your friend doesn’t have mood for the public. She wants to be alone with her thoughts and herself. Don’t push her to go to parties, meet new friends and so on. Be a friend you have always been to her. Know she wants to be alone, therefore be there for her. Your physical presence even if you don't talk will be of great help to her.
It is very hard to know the words we should say and which ones we shouldn’t say. Nevertheless, in our talking we should be careful on what we are saying. We want the best for our friend who is hurting. You should be a part of her recovering from the breakup not someone who will make the recovery process to become difficult.
10. You Are Handling It Well
It is a good encouragement but if your friend is not handling it well she may see you’re offering a lying encouragement. It is better to say you can make it, you can recover from the breakup, and you can become strong again. However, if she is handling the breakup well it is alright to tell her so but if she isn’t don’t tell she’s handling the breakup better when it’s not the case.
Helping a Friend Through a Break Up
We do mean well to our friends when we want to help them in an emotional situation. Nonetheless, it is important to be careful what we say as it may lead to negative consequences, which you would have never expected to happen. As you comfort your friend, try to be cautious on the words you utter. It is better to be quiet because your presence in itself is very important as it is supportive. It is better to say a few words such as 'I'am sorry this has happened to you but you will get better. Remember, I am always here for you. If you need a shoulder to lean on, call or text me and I will be there if you need to talk."