I send this message out into the void.
Ive been waiting my whole life to feel....anything. To feel the way that i deserve to feel.
So much of my life has been wasted on being afraid. Afraid to put myself out there. Afraid to do what it is i need to do to feel...free.
There is so much i have never done that i wish i had. I always wanted to work at a carnival. You know, not now, but when i was like 17. Just be running some game on a cool summer night with the wind blowing through my hair. leaning against some carnival game post. Just letting anything happen. I feel like a huge wasted mess. And i don't want to feel that way anymore.
I should have been more responsible. So that whatever happened to me, i could always count on myself to fix it. I have no friends...did you know that? Because i have never been loose and free enough to just go with the flow. People pass up people like that. People like me. I was never one to just go anywhere last minute. Everything had to be planned. Even if i had nothing to do, i would say no to a spontaneous offer.
What the hell was wrong with me?
That was my youth. My time to be free.
and i spent it being trapped.
trapped by myself and my stupid rules.
I tried a few times to do exactly what I'm saying, but it was always at someone else's expense.
When i got that feeling in me that i just needed to escape, i would...i don't know, cheat on whatever boyfriend i had at the time just for the feeling of freeness.
Have you ever cheated on anyone? There is something so liberating about that first kiss with the new person. Its like nothing i can describe to you. I feels to free, and wrong, but it feels so good, because you do it even though you know you shouldn't.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here screwing random guys, or cheating on him.
But theres something about a first kiss. So new.
I think that's the only freeness Ive ever had.
ive never just grabbed a bunch of money and driven until i cant drive anymore, staying at some motel.
I never "broke out" and got to just .........i don't know.
maybe this hub is stupid. But if i dont get it out of me, ill go insane.
And again, don't get me wrong, but i cant just be free now anyway. Adon.
My sweet little boy. He is everything to me.
But if he wasnt here, i swear, with how i feel i would just f'n go. Id drive until it hurt to drive anymore, and then id just run into the ocean and slip away.
I love the beach at night. Something about being feeling so small, stereing at that huge massive seeminly never ending body of water. It recharges me. Reminds me of the endless possibility's.
So heres what i want.
I want a perfect stranger to just walk up to me and kiss me.
Just so i can feel that way again.
And maybe be around so that we could go out at night, just the two of us, and walk, and talk about nothing and everything.
I knew this guy when i was younger. His name was Nathen. The thing i remember most about him was peppermints. He was always sucking on these peppermints. So when he kissed me, it was the most refreshing kiss i had ever experienced in my entire life.
He was the first guy to ever push me up against a wall to kiss me.
I dont want you to be reading this, thinking im all ready for sex, or that i just want to be bad. No.
I just want to feel something real. And i want whoever is standing next to me to feel something real too.
and to have thoughts. Real thoughts about real things.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
just spread my arms out and scream
Theres got to be someone out there who is just waiting to appreciate me as much as i would appreciate them
Just someone that wouldnt be able to wait to see me.
Someone who saw all of my flaws and didnt give them a second thought.
Someone who when they held my hand, it would feel amazing.
And walking behind a closed movie theater would feel romantic.
Someone who just couldn't stop kissing me.
I want amazing.