- Gender and Relationships
Why Do Men Leave Their Families
Why do men leave their families
Some men leave their families because they become overwhelmed by father hood and the challenges involved in being both a loving husband and dad.Having your man leave your family can be heart breaking especially when it is unexpected.Most men never took the time to learn what it takes to become a loving husband or a caring parent.It is just something most people think they can handle until they face the reality of married life.I once had a friend who was so frustrated with having to deal with his pregnant wife that he worked out on her.Shocking!!! He was probably unable to deal with the emotional changes in his wife as a result of pregnancy.Here are a few more reasons why men leave their families and how women can deal with it.
Poor communication can lead men leave their families
One of the reasons men leave their families is being overwhelmed by family responsibilities.I know the first thought that will come to most people's mind will be financial.However this is not always the case.Most men who do not make enough money to take care of their family do not first think of leaving .They first think of more ways to make money.This might include getting another job,getting an education or even starting their own business.
They become overwhelmed by this responsibility because they fail to share their attempts at improvement with their wife and children.Of course ,this is shortsighted on the part of men because despite the fact that both men and women work,the bulk of the work at home,which includes taking care of the children is done by women.By failing to recognize this,men do not get themselves effectively involved in the family .This leads to the family not working as one.A family unit that is not united usually gets divided in more ways than one.
So men who do not communicate effectively with families are more likely to leave than those who do.One way to change this ,is to make your man a better communicator by asking him to write down his fears and feelings.
Poor emotional well being
Poor emotional well being is one of the reasons men and women leave their families.This is because it is difficult to be happy in the family without emotional fulfillment.As I said earlier one of the sources of frustration within the family is poor communication.Another big source of poor emotional well being is the feeling of not being listened to.This happens when both parents do not agree to a family discipline plan so that the kids constantly get away with things the man feels is unacceptable.
This will accentuate the feeling of being useless and not being needed in the house and could lead to intense frustrations.Some men deal with this situation by turning to alcohol and drugs.Remember the candy society.Others deal with this by turning to their computer and living in a virtual world.Some do this by saying enough is enough and quitting on their families.They just leave.
They leave because of their inability to manage their emotions which they blame on their family.The better thing to do is learn how to become emotionally intelligent .Reading about questions couples ask themselves and emotional well being is one the ways men and women can prepare themselves to learn how to manage their emotions and stay with their families.
Who Is RESPONSIBLE
Who is more responsible for men leaving their families?
Finances-a reason some men leave
Some men leave their families,because they become overwhelmed by the pressure of not being the provider in the family.These days every body contributes to making the family better,but some men leave when they are longer the financial provider.
This is common among men who have been lording it over their wives,using their financial role in the family as a means to control their wives and children.This happens when such men lose their job to which their identity is tied and then come home to discover that without money they cannot control their families.This makes them even more frustrated.
Instead reaching out to their family in love so that they can figure out how to deal with the financial crisis such men lash out and blame all their problems on their wives .They feel they will be better off alone and leave their families.
Sometimes the problem with finances is that the woman earns more than the man and this affects his self esteem.This can be a big problem where the man expects the woman to hand over her paycheck since he is the head of the family.The solution to this problem is simple,let him know gently but firmly, it won't work that way.
Unfortunately some men would rather walk out on their families than change their role from captain to co-captain.This is a shame and reflects the harm pride can do to a relationship when it is tied to finances..
Criticism-a Reason Why Men Leave Their Families
Criticism is one of the reasons why men leave their families.The problem is that most women like to correct and teach.May be it is because of their nurturing nature.To men being constantly reminded of your mistakes without any mention of the few things you have done right on a daily basis can be very exhausting.
This kind of criticism will make most men feel as if there is nothing positive about their lives.Sooner or later some men get tired of the constant correction and feel that it will cost them more energy and stress to stay in their marriage or relationships than to leave.
Unfortunately for most women,telling their husbands what they do wrong is just their own way to try to help make things better in the house.Such women consider men who complain about criticism as cry babies,especially when there is some truth to the criticism.
One way to get round this is to speak the truth in love by asking your man a lot of self revealing questions.
Health - a reason why some men leave their families
Health can be a reason why some men leave their families.I know of a man who abandoned his wife because she got very sick and he felt she was not going to get any better.She was losing weight and coughing a lot with no improvement despite many months of treatment.One day he just took his wife to her mother's house then disappeared.He was convinced she was going to die.
Well,Susan refused to die.Her mum was able to find a doctor who helped take care of her.She didn't have cancer,in fact her diagnosis was resistant tuberculosis,from which she eventually recovered.
It took her a longer time to get over the fact that the man who had married her before her illness and had claimed she was the love of his life could so easily abandon her.
Poverty-a reason why men leave their families
Poverty is a reason why some men leave their families.This happens because a poor man can hardly ever be respected even when he is right or has kind words for his wife.
If you are a poor man and you care very much about your wife,but cannot provide her with the comforts of daily living be prepared for the resulting frustration from such discomforts to be vented at you.
If there is no housekeeper to clean the house because you cannot provide for it ,good luck expecting your wife to know that you care deeply for her welfare .This is worse where the man does not participate in the important task of cleaning the house. All your wife knows is that the pain and discomfort involved in keeping the house clean is not being equally shared or taken care of.As long as this pain persists all the ensuing frustration will be vented on you.
Unfortunately most men are too emotionally immature to distinguish between venting and personal attacks. When men with poor emotional strength and poor self esteem come under the strain of regular venting and curt responses,they crack.This is not too surprising since poverty does not help build up self esteem ,instead it tears self esteem down.
In other woods such men snap and leave their families.This is a quick and easy way to avoid staying at home to work out the difficulties and challenges in their marriage..
Loss of Intimacy- a Reason Why Men Leave Their Families
Loss of intimacy is one of the reasons men leave their families.At the beginning of most relationships ,most couples are so intimate that even the mere thought of their spouse will bring a knowing smile to their faces.At this time the level of intimacy can be as high as 10 out of 10.
Sadly though with time and a few grudges and misunderstandings here and there,things begin to change.Thoughts of spouses no longer bring frowns instead of smiles.The level of intimacy drops.Instead of having a score of 10 out of 10 the score drops to 5 or less out of 10.This is a sign of loss of intimacy.
For some men ,this loss of intimacy is due to their tendency to treat their wives like finished projects .This leads to a build of resentment because no human being likes to be treated as a project.They forget that marriage is like a garden that requires work and love everyday to give its best.
Men who leave their families because of loss of intimacy ,start by looking for relationships outside the family ,instead of working to build up the relationship in their family.They find an uncritical listening ear whom they can tell how terrible their wives are.They conveniently forget their own role in the situation .This usually starts as a hidden relationship and with time and the formation of new habits,some men completely abandon their families for their new found love .
Boredom-a reason why some men leave their families
Boredom is a reason why some men leave their families.I know of friend who left his lovely wife because he said the thrill was gone.He said he easily gets bored once he feels he has conquered his girl.He enjoyed his relationships best when he was still chasing or dating a girl.He enjoyed the uncertainty associated with each visit or encounter.
He said he found married life boring and predictable.He said marriage was like having the same meal over and over again.He felt trapped and caged in by the daily routine of married life.He said life was much more exciting when he woke on different days with different women lying by his side.I couldn't help asking him the obvious question.Why did you get married?He said his ex-wife was the most exciting and interesting person,he had ever met in his life.He said he was so excited to be with her ,he wanted to marry her and be hers for ever.
What changed after marriage?He simply said ,she changed and became boring and predictable so he had to leave the marriage.Fancy that.!! I wonder who changed or refused to change.
Sensitivity-a reason why some men leave their families.
Some men have a very thin skin.They react easily and violently to every comment by their wives,so that everybody around them is on pins and needles.This creates an atmosphere in the home where everybody is under a lot of tension.
I remember a friend ,telling me about the beautiful marriage of John and Jane,which broke up because Jane always criticized John for keeping his glasses face down after using it to drink water.It was the way his mum taught him that glasses should be kept after a drink.
Jane felt it was wrong because it meant the drinking rim of the glass could easily pick up dirt that can be transferred to the mouth.John didn't see it that way so they quarreled and had a series of arguments.
Finally ,in the middle of one of such arguments ,John stomped out of the house ,saying he couldn't live with someone who repeatedly insulted his mother !. Jane was shocked by his action.
The problem with sensitive men is that the things most people would consider little and insignificant,stands out like a looming mountain to them.This leads them to make major decisions over the smallest incidents of daily living.
How can you know about your man's sensitivity?Surprisingly ,one simple but easy to find out out is to ask questions.Do not to be reluctant to ask your spouse questions?
Grief-a reason why men leave their families
Sometimes the reason why some leave their families is grief.This may be following the loss of someone close to the family form which they never fully recover because they blame their spouse for the loss.
I know this may sound strange to some people but this has happened in the past.I know the story of a Joe and Ann who lost their three year old son in a swimming pool accident while getting ready for a family reunion.Ann had gone to the grocery store to buy a few things while Joe stayed at home to continue to make arrangements for the family reunion.Joe did not know that their son ,Jacob was at home with him.
By the time Ann came back and asked Joe about their son ,Joe was shocked."You mean ,"you didn't go with him ?"was all he could whisper." A frantic search by both parents found Jacob lying in the pool.All efforts to resuscitate him failed ,Jacob had drowned in the pool.
Joe blamed Ann for the loss of their son and could never get himself to love her after that.He said Ann should never have left the house without letting him know she was not with Jacob.He said their son was simply too young to die.He started drinking after the loss and six months later left the family.He said he could not continue living in the same house with a murderer.
Joe never accepted any responsibility for what had happened and even refused to go for grief counseling when Ann had suggested it soon after the accident.Ann was left alone to take care of their remaining two kids by a husband who could not get over his grief.
Poor sense of self-A reason why men leave their families
Some men leave their families because they are foundamentally opposed to themselves Their sense of self is so poor that they are opposed
to everything they are involved with,including their marriage.Some of such men say that they only reason they got married in the first place was to conform to societal expectations. These type of men know deep down in their hearts that they do not want to get married but still pretend to fall in love and marry.Of course after a short while of living together with their wives and their family the pretence wears off .This leads
them to revert to their prefferred option of being left alone and they begin to look for ways to blame their wives and kids so that they can leave.
One way to avoid being in this kind of situation is ask tough questions before you marry.Do not allow yourself to be carried away by apperances or circumstances.Ask your spouse what he understands by love and marriage and how these concepts fit into his own sense of self.
Lack of Respect - a reason why some men leave their families
Respect is tied to our self image or how we see ourselves and our place in the world.When this self image is constanly eroded by being told day in ,day out that you are stupid and lazy ,most men look for the exit signs.
This kind of situation is usually reflected in the frequent name calling and cursing that goes on in such families.Some women see this as telling the truthand being assertive.They have absolutely no intention of backing down or changing.
On the other hand the men that leave their families in such circumstances see this as lack of respect!.They see everything as a fight and a struggle.There is no peace from morning till night.From shopping to eating to sleeping leads from one misundrerstanding to another.
This is a very stressful situation which leaves most men to conclude that their only way out is to leave their families or stay married and die ..
Poor Listening-A reason Why men leave their families
Poor listening skills is one of the reason why men leave their families. According to Dr.James Peterson the author of "Why don't we listen better? Communicating and connecting in relationships" to be a good listener, one has to be able to listen without agreeing, defending,advising or disagreeing. Unfortunately because most men are used to seeing their wives as people who nag all they time, they end up listening to their wives in a defensive manner.
Listening in a defensive manner does not help communication and connecting in relationships.Instead it leads to distrust and helps to build up resentment. Men who listen to their wives in a defensive manner, are quick to find fault with everything their wives say without first making sure they are clear on the feelings and thoughts their wives were trying to share with them.
This leads to the wife accusing the husband of not listening and the husband complaining that no matter how hard he tries he always gets blamed. This inability to listen with empathy leads to a vicious cycle of accusations and counter-accusations until tensions reach a boiling point . It is at this point that most men leave their families , convinced that their wives always blame them without even listening. What an irony!
State your opinion about stress
How does stress affect men and women? Do men hate stress and women own "sress"?
Do women own Stress?
Exhaustion:A reason why men leave their families
While most men find it easy to proclaim that the they love their families, few are prepared to deal with the emotional and physical exhaustion that daily family life leads to. This type of emotional burn-out is one of the reasons why some men leave.In most cases the man just gets up and leaves the house without saying a word. This type of behavior usually completely catches the wife by surprise because in most cases the marriage has lasted for many years. Sometimes 5 years, other times 10 years or much more.
Men who behave in this manner are usually quick to make excuses. Their biggest complaint is usually that their emotionally needs were not being met in the family. There is typically a pattern of "going out with boys" on weekends or such men having their own special weekend activities which do not usually involve the rest of the family. This leads to a pattern of seeking and finding emotional fulfillment outside of the family.
The other consequence of this type of activity is that it makes the family a source of emotional tension. Such men, first complain that their wives are always correcting them or being told what they do wrong. They see their wife and kids as part of the problem. When they get to a point where they feel that even if they talk, nobody would listen , they begin to indulge in extramarital affairs which they justify in their minds.They blame everybody but themselves. Eventually the pattern continues until they become emotionally exhausted and come to the conclusion that their best option is to leave the family.
Men leave because of limited emotional benefits
Some men find themselves unhappy with their marriage because of limited emotional benefits.Since they do not have the courage to talk about their feelings they talk about their financial status. and then blame their wife and kids for their situation.Usually the reason for the unhappiness is pervasive and multi-factorial. It usually involves both the person's emotional poverty and financial limitations.
Of course, admitting that your emotional poverty could be responsible for your problems will be too hard for most men.The easy target is blaming somebody else.this is one of the reasons why men blame their wife and kids and work out on their marriage.This usually happens when communication between husband and wife is so poor that nobody is benefiting emotionally from the relationship.
Spirituality related issues;a reason why men leave
Spirituality related issues is another reason why some men leave their families Sometimes. when men stop praying together with their families they begin to develop other interests. Think about it.At the beginning of marriage, most families go to church or other spiritual activities together. Sometimes, problems arise, when one person becomes disinterested in religion and spirituality.
On the other hand , the problem could be that the husband or wife, discovers religion. If the wife is the one who does this, the husband might agree to go along initially. However, after weeks of pretending, the true feelings will finally come out and they will stop praying together. This can lead to frustration which can make some men get angry and leave their families.
Men leave because of daily disapproval
Some men find themselves in a bind. They want positive feedback but they end up with daily disapproval. They get tired of being told in many different ways that they are not god enough. Their wives cannot help themselves. They have to tell their husbands all the time about the their failed chores. After the men fix the kitchen sink ,they are immediately reminded that the kids went to school without their jackets. You mow the lawn and you are reminded that the trash has to be taken out. It never seems to end.,,,,,,,,,,,,,This approach can be relentless and exhausting. It can make men walk out on their marriage unless everybody makes adjustments.
Impatience : One of the reasons why men leave their families
One of the reasons why men leave their families is impatience. They are in a hurry to make everything work well at the same time. This usually leads to making simple misunderstandings worse. There are many examples of these throughout the day and they usually lead to arguments.Instead of taking time to make sure that their wives express themselves fully and that everyone gets a chance to say what is bugging them impatient get angry when a difference of opinion is expressed. They forget that when two adults have a conversation, to some extent everything is up for negotiation. You have your view and the other person says her view. Some men get inpatient and expect their wives to agree with a viewpoint simply because they think it is the truth. Men who are not prepared to have their wives disagree with them get angry when this happens . They become very autocratic when this happens repeatedly, especially when they are married to a woman who is equally prepared to speak their mind too! Unless adjustments are made or understanding is deepened, this situation eventually leads some men to leave their families.
When people make wrong assumptions they end up making wrong decisions. One of the reasons why men leave their families is that they make wrong assumptions about the intentions of their wives. This may be as a result of hearing bits of a conversation without asking further questions. At other times it is because of coming to false conclusion because of certain actions taken by members of the family, without asking questions. Based on some of these wrong assumptions some men storm out of long-standing relationships. Sadly, even when they later discover their assumptions were wrong, they are too proud to admit their mistakes. In the end everyone suffers.
The perfect wife
No matter what you do, you will fall short. If your wife expects nothing but 100 percent from you all the time then you are in for a long journey. Its either you get 100% or zero percent. This means that even if you have 9 out of 10 things done, you will told off exactly the same way a person who did zero or 1 out of ten things would have been told off. Why? Your failure to complete all ten things in a satisfactory manner reflects your incompetence.What a shame!!!You deserve zero percent because 9 out 10 things shows that you can never be trusted to do something as simple as doing your duty, which is usually inconsequential compared to all that your hardworking wife has to do.
Some men leave because they get tired of being constantly reminded of the " poor job", they always do. If you are a man.Man up! Stop complaining and improve yourself.Lazy man!!You should be grateful for having such a hardworking beautiful and perfect wife!!!!!