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why good black women are unmarried

Updated on September 22, 2013

True or False. 42 percent of African-American women have yet to be married, compared to only 23 percent of white women.

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It is no secret that black women are least likely to marry compared to every other race in the United States. With statistics such as 70% of black women are unwed mothers and black women least likely to get wonders the fate of the good black woman.

While the media largely portraits an image of ghetto, rude, low-class animalistic behavior of dysfunctional characters for ratings sake, not all black women are this way. I believe there are 20% of black women that are really good women. The definition of a good woman (marriage potential) is a woman who has a kind heart, supportive psychologically, caring individual, good morals/values who is committed to working together as a unit. These women are not in search of ballers, they are not gold-diggers, and they are not cold hearted and manipulative.

Questions in my mind regarding why good black women are not married.

1. Could it be that one can not duplicate what one has never seen? (the perpetuation of relationships doomed to fail because it is psychologically familiar / broken home syndrome)

2. Could it be self-hatred exists which results in critical "outside feature" evaluation of the features of a woman?

3. Have reality television shows such as love and hip hop,, and an entire generation raised off bet video vixens and rappers been adopted as reality for black men?

4. Has the media and desperation of black women taking literally anything to "get one" led to black men believing they are entitled to multiple partners without requiring a commitment? A generation of women willing to accept house-calls by the maintenance man losing their soul and dignity while convincing oneself it's okay in the meantime. Don't forget those who obtain educations and careers and pickup a felon or person living hood rich and move him in.

Unfortunately it seems there are traits not valued by African-Americans age 40 and younger. Generations ago you wanted a wife that had moral integrity, not promiscuous, nor anyone who carried herself in a way that did not signify being a good person. Honesty, good spirit, ability to laugh/smile, kind heart, loyalty, a woman capable of being your friend and lover, education/intelligence, moral character, genuine interaction, and true love are irrelevant in today's marketplace. It was important that a lady understand her history, be conscience, and achieve in society based on the blood shed to provide opportunity.

There are so many African-American men addicted to the illusion and manipulation of women best described as Delilah (samson and delilah) or Jezebel from biblical days. With no concept or experience of marriage, no good guidance and direction from parents, you see bad results on both sides of the coin. You have men who choose the wrong women based on "the saint" image. Good idea in theory except you are who you are and your partner never experiences who you truly are and it's a formula for disaster. On the other side of the coin you have people picking others according to physical attraction, sexual interaction, and manipulation leading to marriage then ultimately leading to a quicker divorce. Don't forget the "players for life" and those were were never taught to settle down -children or no children. For further example please refer to the Steve Harvey book/movie Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man.

Twenty percent of black women do not fit the majority of the mold of black women. Maybe they are open to artwork, cultured, well traveled, genuine people who volunteer and seek to make this world a better place. These women are not materialistic, manipulative, or self-fish but really seek to genuinely get to know someone and interact with love.

The majority are those with no discretion with regards to sleeping around A LOT after every dinner, vacation, purse purchased, or when the dollar threshold of spending has been met. Unfortunately within the majority of interaction the latter is valued and pursued. Perhaps this speaks more to the effects of an oppressed people but whatever it is, it's sad.

Being understanding, loving, kind, easy to talk to and supportive translates into a screaming red alert screaming disengage, this is too healthy. Chasing gold-diggers, big behinds, skin tones, or the the hottest woman to enter the room seems to be of importance. High maintenance and overly demanding women appear to be a challenge and value to the masses. A good black women is going to be supportive and encourage you to reach your dreams while being your biggest cheerleader.

There are two movies that illustrate the meaning of this article it's Boomerang and Just Wright.

In the movie Boomerang Halle Berry's character said some key words that apply to the relationship game today: "I may not be all glamorous. I may not have weave all down my back like Jackqueline but I have a heart."

I have to give credit to the person who created the concept for the movie Just Wright staring Queen Latifah and Common which provided a perfect illustration of the reason why good black women are not married. So many good women relate to that story because they have been a good women passed up for the game that people prefer. So many good women will not get married because they take marriage/love seriously and are looking for "the one" and not anyone/someone. The best line from that movie: "I'm looking for the one I can't live without."

Maybe Tom Petty had it right when he sang the lyrics: "she's a good girl, loves her momma, loves Jesus, and America too.........All the good girls are home with broken hearts."

The other side of the coin

What's sad is there are good black men that feel the same way. Good black men claim all black women want are rappers, ballers, and thugs. Perhaps there are too many good black men desiring the 80% of the bad masses and vice versa. Somehow the 20% of good, moral, conscience, and intellectual don't interact. Work, home, bookstore, and the occasional interaction when picking up take out are our best hopes of running into one another. Perhaps at the next open forum, book signing, or art festival you might find the 20% for they are the minority and not the majority. Perhaps online or at home listening to Versus and Flow on tvone (

Staying away from the foolishness of the masses, living your best life while being your best person you can be results in 20% remaining unmarried. Unmarried and disconnected from the foolishness = ostracism. If you think I'm way off base, I would like to be however I remember a beautiful young lady with a bright future while 90% of the black community focused not on her accomplishments and good heart but her hair. Rock on and never change anything for the ignorant :Gabrielle Christina Victoria "Gabby" Douglas American gymnast!

To all the beautiful (inside and out) black women - rock on!

Gabby olympic medalilst
Gabby olympic medalilst


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    • realtalk247 profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago

      Another reason: Please enjoy Season 1 Episode 4 of The New Atlanta reality t.v. show on Bravo. Add the mentality of a "successful" African American father and his priorities in life to the list. Player 4 life.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      5 years ago

      Bill Cosby is old school and he makes many valid points about the youth of today. I still feel that it's easier to stay positive about things you can control in (your) life.

      Most women I know of went through a "bad boy phase" where they ignored the "nice guys" for whatever reason. I once heard one woman proclaim she wants a guy with some "thug" in him! Clearly not too many thugs are going to provide a stable environment to raise a family. Most thugs are not going to have office jobs and 401ks. However she is entitled to have her own (choices) in the type of men she wants.

      You said; "We choose our friends, we choose our lovers but there is no ability to choose a spouse when the opportunities aren't present." As a man who has been married twice I can tell you that both wives came from my pool of friends/lovers. Most women have had boyfriends/lovers. Generally speaking this is the group from which she gets a husband. Naturally if a woman can't even find a boyfriend things are going to be very difficult. I've known women who were in long-term relationships and wanted to get married but were "waiting" to be proposed to. I often recommend to women in those circumstances to propose to their boyfriends. What do they really have to lose? It beats the hell out of waiting around another year or two! This way if he's not on the same page she can move on. That's when they tell me about how much time they've "invested". I correct them by saying "time you've wasted". If you want something different you have to do something different!

      Sometimes a woman's ego can keep her from finding a good man. A successful man has no problems dating or marrying a woman who makes significantly less money then he does. On the one hand women have convinced themselves that it's their "success" that's keeping them from having a man and yet Oprah (a billionaire) has a man, Halle Berry seems to have no problem getting a man, Janice Bryant Howroyd the founder and CEO of the billon dollar company ACT-1 Temp Agency has a man. These are just 3 women that come to mind without me doing any research. Clearly if women billionaires and multi-millionaires are fine with dating or marrying men who earn significantly less than they do this proves it comes down to (their) choice. If a woman is overlooking a shoe salesman, bus driver, mechanic, UPS driver, bank teller or what have you and claims there are "no good men left" she is lying to herself. It would be more honest to admit she doesn't want to date men who earn less than herself regardless of their other redeeming qualities!

      Men could care less if a woman is a doctor, attorney, or a cocktail waitress. Our first requirement is we have to be (physically attracted) to the woman! The next thing we look for is an (easy going personality) and having a similar (sense of humor). Lastly she knows how to flirt with us to (lets us know she is attracted to us). All the degrees, houses, and cars in the world mean nothing to a man if he is not "attracted to the woman", "likes her personality", and feels good when he's with her. Some women refuse to accept this basic gender difference. Most men aren't looking for "financial security" through women. Everything she has accomplished is just "icing on the cake". If you go hunting you want to bring the "right bait". The hunter doesn't get to tell the prey what to like.

      Another thing that holds people back from finding love is having a closed mind when it comes to dating outside of their race or refusing to consider reputable online dating sites such as eHarmony or

      As a dating coach and the author of My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany) I hear from women all the time who choose to focus on things outside of their control.

    • realtalk247 profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago

      I respect your viewpoint and I do believe love is not about color but the individual. I wrote this article because I've had conversation with black women who have focused on themselves. Women who have great friends, decent/good careers, own property and have reached many of the goals they have set out to accomplish and their counterparts are nowhere around. I'm not discussing women who are in their 20's because most people don't even now who they are at that age. I'm discussing women in their 30's and early 40's. (Keep in mind, men don't stress marriage because there is no time clock on your ability to have healthy children, fyi.) These women I've met volunteer their time, travel, perhaps are part of book clubs etc.

      Life is an individual choice I agree. Statistics have never defined my life however to simply say all my friends are accomplished, positive, well rounded people so the majority of foolishness doesn't exist is fairy tale in nature. (Which makes me curious how you feel about Bill Cosby's comments about the African America community recently. I read the book Is Bill Cosby Right and although I don't fall withing the lost/foolish I can't ignore statistics. As Talib Kweli would say, you can have your own opinion but not your own facts.)

      I was hesitant on writing this article because it requires an open and raw assessment of women I have encountered or randomly surveyed who seen to have lost hope. These women aren't 20. Most of them are educated, well-rounded, intelligent, forward thinking individuals who state there are few equals or prospects. Perhaps if these women ventured outside their race the opportunity to perhaps have healthier interaction, or experience a culture where marriage/family is a thought out process and goal, then maybe their situation would be different. These women meet the criteria for their standards and are more interested in the heart and mentality of the man which is often lacking.

      I understand that men can feel the same way. While men are under less pressure I hear stories from men who feel rejected for being the good man. For this reason, I stated it seems good people are missing each other.

      The "focus on yourself" is a frequent response but such women have done so only to realize their child bearing years are now behind them. I'm not sure a man can understand the basis of this writing and I tried to be objective by acknowledging the negative image and behavior of black women in the media and society are not true for all. Not all black women are angry with attitudes. Not all black men are ignorant thugs.

      You said "each of us gets to choose our friends, lovers, and spouse." Not true. We choose our friends, we choose our lovers but there is no ability to choose a spouse when the opportunities aren't present.

      On the flip side of the coin I have randomly interviewed men who feel a good woman is a myth but seem to make more visually stimulated choices than quality choices.

      To lighten up the mood I have to give credit to big daddy kane who said:

      Because I love a young lady that's beautiful

      But one that's smart for me, is more suitable

      In other words, to make it simple and plain

      You gotta have a brain in order to be ms. kane

      Bottom line intelligence is lacking in a.a. interaction for the vast majority. The president has an intelligent, accomplished, beautiful wife with a good heart who loves him 100%. Her interaction is real and her spirit is true. I wish I can say I see a majority of interaction within the black culture that mirrors two people committed to a cause working together. I ask myself everyday when we stopped seeing relationships like the first lady and president on a regular basis and this foolishness started but who knows.

      The women I meet continue to rock on and stay inside, away for foolishness. Hope you can understand the viewpoint.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      5 years ago

      The same poll that stated 42 percent of black women between the ages of 25 and 34 had never been married also found that (43 percent of black men) have never been married! Somehow the men do not view themselves as being in dire straits. It's not as though they are rolling in brides. Men by and large have never been in a "rush" to get married. There are two key reasons why men don't get married; (timing) and the belief they have not met "the one". Not many men in their 20s want to become their parents! A woman in her 20s who wants to get married would be better off dating single men in their early 30s who have established their career paths. According to the U.S. Census bureau 84% of men have been married at least once by age 45. This illustrates (timing) is a major factor since most men (do) get married!

      There are a few things one can do to feel more positive about future prospects.

      Number one; Stop thinking of yourself as being part of a (group) and start thinking of yourself more as an "individual". As a black man I never think about the statistics of black men in prison, unemployed, or those with children out of wedlock. None of that has any bearing on what (I) choose to do with (my) life! Life is a (personal) journey.

      Number two; Focus on the things (you) can control. The minute we start blaming "outside forces" for our lot in life we give up our power. Each of us gets to (choose) our own friends, lovers, and spouse. Make sure you are hanging out with "positive" people. God has made over 7 billion people! Odds are in your favor that there are more than a few people who think of you as being their type. However if I said I'm only going to date people of my own race I could be eliminating 6 billion people sight unseen! If I said I will only consider dating someone who lives in my (state) depending on where one lives that could eliminate 6.990 billion people! Each of us is entitled to have our own "shopping list" of requirements. However it stands to reason that our method of (excluding) and (including) determines our number of "options".

      Number three; Create a profile of the type of person you want to be with all the way down to where you think they might live, work, and play. The next step is to "be there"! One other important step is to (imagine) you being this person; Would you want you? Be honest with yourself. If the answer is (no) then you have to cultivate traits which attract that type of person or adjust your requirements. Like attracts like.

      "Don't expect to sit next to the moon unless YOU are a star!"


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