- Gender and Relationships
Why Is He Pulling Away And How To Keep Him Interested
A Man Whisperer's Guide To Being A Woman That Men Adore
I'm a relationship/dating coach specializing in transforming women to be the secure woman a man seeks for commitment. Let's just say I have a "school" for women who long to be feminine-magnetism radiating Goddesses. This is a kind of skill that ANY woman can possess. It's as much about inner beauty as outer, if not more so.
Throughout the years of coaching the common questions I got from women are on how to make a man fall in love and/or keep him attracted. And what to do when he's -inevitably- pulling away, which is the source of great mystery for most women.
I love what I do and I can say with conviction the things that men seek in a woman through my own trial and tribulation and limitless sources of research I personally do throughout the years before my book was published.
What Is Emotional Unavailability?
If He Likes You Why Is He Pulling Away?
Men love their caves....
It's a question of needing space. In general men need more space than women because the nature of testosterone is separation, independence and autonomy while bonding is something women are naturally good at. However, whoever needs more space in relationship will appear like pulling away from time to time to establish his/her independence and boundaries and pace the relationship.
So if your guy is pulling away, don't panic because:
1. As part of intimacy cycle most guys will need to "regroup" after a period of intimacy (say after your weekend getaway). This is also called the rubber band effect. When a rubber band is stretched, and if the other end stays put, at some point the end that is being stretched will have to bounce back to its original position. So in other words, when your guy is pulling away, as long as you don't chase and try to cling on to him, he will bounce back to you re-energized. Many women though, out of fear and ignorance, do the very thing that disturbs the bouncing-back process. Now instead of bouncing back, these men are running away from them.
2. In actuality he may just be genuinely busy living his life but since you are so hooked on his charm already, you just can't stop thinking about him and wanting to reach out to him. The more you are focused on him, the longer time seems to fly without being in touch with him, the more longing and anxious you feel. He perhaps doesn't think anything has changed with him at all.
3. Like I mentioned above, sometimes he feels that he needs to slow down the pace of the courtship because he may feel that you two are going too fast or you get attached too soon. Trust his leadership and don't question him on this. The more you want to talk about it, the more he wants to pull away. Just expect it, understand it and accept it and go about make your own life beautiful while he's in his cave. It's a great time for you to cultivate the masculine energy of independence, self-sufficiency and accomplishing things when you are not with him. And when he's out of his cave, voila....he'll see this radiant beautiful goddess so full of positive energy and joy. There is nothing that attracts a man like a happy woman with a big smile on her face!
4. You have perhaps made the common mistake of getting too needy too soon. If that's the case, don't despair. This thing is fixable as long as you are aware of your tendency to cling. Check this out if you want to know further how to erase common mistakes women make with men. If you feel that you have hounded him a bit too much as of late, just back off. Let him come to you again when he feels the rubber band has been fully stretched and the likelihood is he will if you have made a pretty deep connection with him.
This Book Changed My Life
This book gave me closure on why my marriage didn't work. It reveals the attachment style I had vis a vis my ex. And it prepares me for not repeating the same mistake in the future. Currently I'm dating a guy whose attachment style matches mine better.
How To Make Him Fall In Love
Five Definite Ways That Make Him All Mushy For You....
There are a few conditions that have to be met before a guy can fall in love with you.
1. He needs you to powerfully trigger his masculinity FIRST. If he doesn't feel like a man being with you; i.e. he doesn't feel good about himself being with you, he can't fall in love.
Polarity is a big part of attraction. The more feminine you are, the more likely you attract masculine guys. Being feminine isn't only about how you look. It is easy to dress feminine and sexy. It's mostly about the energy you carry and radiate. Feminine energy is laid back, contented, light, joyful, inviting, accepting, non-critical/judgmental and open. It's soft, comforting and alluring. It is also somewhat passive because you will be in the receptive instead of goal-seeking mode.
A man who sees a vision of himself in his mind when he's with you can't help but falling for you. He will feel that you are the sort of woman who gets him and will have his back no matter what. He knows that when he comes home to you he will find a sanctuary that is safe and comforting away from the competitive dog-eat-dog world he lives in.
He wants to come home to his woman, not a competitor or a boss who challenges and questions his every single move. He doesn't feel accepted like a man when you do all that.
2. You need to lower his guard for him to fall in love. If you always initiate contacts, lean forward or act clingy, he will not feel safe (do you know what your texting habits tell him?). Love is like mushroom, it grows in the dark when it's actually left alone and unattended so in other words he falls in love when he's not with you, when his mind keeps going back at the memories of you and makes him yearn for you so he has to come and get you.
If you never create a space for that urge to manifest in him, you are hampering the process of him falling for you. Timeline, deadline, pressure and ultimatums won't do it. Falling in love is psychological and emotional process. If a guy is feeling chemistry and attraction for you and he's not restricted by timing and unfavorable life circumstances that makes him or you emotionally unavailable, and if you play your cards right, falling in love is a matter of "when," not "if."
3. Be the sex goddess who rocks his world in the bedroom. Yes, really. Sex is important in relationship. It's not only physical but it mostly is emotional. Especially for a man, sex is an outlet in which he feels most accepted and loved as a man. A guy won't commit to a woman unless he feels the sexual attraction and connection is sustainable in the long run.
Remember, when a guy first hears the word "commitment" it's not a vision of happily-ever-after of two fairy-tale characters complete with rainbows and unicorn that comes through his mind but more like "Crap, I will have to have sex with her and ONLY her for the rest of my life!"
It's just the way a guy is wired, he can't help it.
So if you think you can withhold sex without jeopardizing his love for you, you are so wrong. And that also means be interested, passionate and inspiring in the sack. Learn the skills of a great lover. Most men love oral sex. Learn how to do it. Make him all putty in your hands. Never refuse him sex unless you are paralyzed from the waist down (the feminists will snort at this piece of advice!).
Just like women, men also bond through sex. If he already likes you so much, regular love-making with you will only strengthen his feelings for you.
4. Surprise him! Don't be a predictable bore. If you are a quiet and shy person most of the time, be chatty and a bit wild every now and then and see how charmed he is by your occasional quirkiness. And vice versa. Be multi-faceted without appearing too erratic, if you know what I mean.
I once surprised the guy I was seeing with 40 push-ups in front of him and his friend when he jokingly threw the challenge. I was usually the quiet type among his friends that he often jokingly shushed me "please keep the noise down, Kat, the boys are trying to talk here." You can imagine the kind of roar I was creating that night.
When we surprise him with the other sides of ours, he will be frozen in the high feeling of being fascinated and he will always remember those fond memories. Have you ever heard someone vividly recalling the exact time he falls for his significant other over some really trivial things such as how the way she mispronounced a certain word made him fall deeply in love with her?
Falling in love is about capturing little moments like that. The more you make such memories, the more you create an impression in his mind about you that he will always revisit with fondness and a warm-hearted smile.
A woman who is secure and stable but who is also capable of captivating his man's mind and interest in such a way is the one woman ANY man will want to love and commit to forever. While her outer beauty might not last, her inner beauty lasts forever.
5. Be a happy person. I can't stress this enough how happiness brings about more happiness. Grouchy people tend to attract grouches as well. The guys I have been dating always have always marveled at how happy I am as a person. A happy person doesn't need anybody to do anything to make him/her happy. It's so much easier to be in relationship with a happy person and the positive energy they bring into the relationship creates so many good memories and more intense bonding.
So when a guy tells you adoringly "You're so happy," it might very well be that he's falling for you. The best piece of jewelry a woman can wear for a guy is her smile and laughter. Guys are MAGNETICALLY attracted to happy women period.
So Now He's In Love, Don't Be A Nag!
How Women Turn Prince Charming Into A Frog
I told my boyfriend he was the best boyfriend I had ever had and a woman would ever have! Our relationship has its own challenges (I share it in my private group so my clients and readers can learn from them) but I meant what I said. I've never had a man so devoted and so doting as he is!
He didn't believe me because in the past he had been called "the crummiest boyfriend" ever. Now he might have changed a lot since his last relationship (age and experience might have something to do with it) but I also believe there are some women who just turn "Prince Charming into a frog" or are "frog farmers," as Allison Armstrong, an expert on men, put it. If you want the best boyfriend, be the best woman a guy could ever have! It takes one to know one.
Making a man fall for you is only half the battle. The other half that many women find challenging is how to keep him attracted to them and interested in the relationship. A man often starts strong and very doting and the next thing you know he stops doing all the things we loved in the beginning of the relationship.
And the reason is he lost the motivation. He doesn't feel appreciated or polarized enough (he doesn't feel like a man being with you who is supposedly his woman).
My boyfriend told me the difference that he realizes so striking about our relationship and his previous ones is that we don't criticize each other. And it's only possible because I don't believe in criticism. I don't criticize him the way his exes did. Criticism always leads to resentment, loss of connection and the deterioration of the relationship.
Isn't it true?
Four Ways To Keep Him Interested
So in a nutshell how does a woman keep his Prince Charming a Prince Charming, and not turn him into a frog?
1. She removes all expectations. The fewer expectations how things should be or how he should act, think, etc...the less likely she becomes disillusioned and upset when her expectation isn't met. Guys are scared of upset women. At first they might want to do something to appease you. But do it one time too many he's shutting down emotionally.
Do you know the kind of thoughts that is the first step toward the deterioration of love and connection that women habitually engage in in their relationship that turn their Prince Charming into a frog? It's "If I were you/him I would..."
How often does that cross your mind and how does that affect your behavior toward him? Does it make you a gracious easy-to-please partner? Does that thought make you happy? Does he respond well to that? I did a lot of that in my marriage and we're no longer together. So keep doing that if you don't want to stay married or in relationship with your man. That is how expectations and assumptions slowly eat away at the foundation of your relationship.
2. Related to the point above, she picks her battles. She doesn't complain and point out his mistake each time things don't go her way. Some things are indeed important to mention and discuss but there are also things not worth mentioning and only add so much pressure and tension to the relationship. Ladies, not everything needs to be spelled out. And often the best thing is to talk about those things aka VENT with your girlfriend, not with him.
3. She focuses on the good things about him and the relationship, instead the bad. And she re-enforces those good things with her generous compliments and gratitude.
What you focus on EXPANDS.
A man doesn't mind doing most of the work provided that we recognize it and be grateful for it. The more we express our gratitude and compliments/admiration, the easier it is for him to do more for us. Those who complain ONLY because they don't feel appreciated enough. An appreciated man will do EVERYTHING for the woman he loves. Again, we just need to know how to keep our Prince Charming feeling like a man and not to turn him into a frog.
4. She doesn't criticize. She builds him up instead of bringing him down. I hammer this again, nobody likes to feel criticized, especially not by our significant other. It might work in sports, career and at the work place, but it NEVER works in relationship. A wise woman doesn't criticize but she expresses her feelings whatever they are without making him responsible for them. She says "I feel..." instead of "You make me feel..." See the difference? In other word, she recognizes her feelings yet she realizes her feelings are her own responsibility. She owns them.
If you do all this, you will become a Goddess that he worships till the end of time. To learn more on how to be a "man whisperer," click the picture of my book cover below. It is a skill not unlike riding a bike, once you master it it will stay with you forever.
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