Today is 1/9/2011
I am writing this today because this is the day that I literally lost all hope for mankind. After a winter break of drinking, smoking, and partying I find myself being very unsatisfied. They were fun times but those days could have been spent planning and maybe seizing the day in a different fashion. Maybe just having some profound talks sober or baking something other then ourselves. As I sat outside smoking my black n Mild I asked my self
“Why do I need this to calm my thoughts?” Do I also need a altered state of person to slip into a calm state? Why does everyday start with a bowl and end with a blunt in this generation? Is there even more to life then this life style that we have grown accustom too.
This thought should have made me utterly depressed but it actually made me feel better. It made me realize that I haven’t entirely lost my way. I bought the black n Mild in the first place to concentrate my attention on something other then what was going on in my mind. I am sick of the games people play in everyday life.
If someone makes you jealous what is your first thought? Maybe it is to make them jealous back maybe it’s the anger over being jealous. But why? Why do we always compete, lie, and act ridiculous over things we want. Why not just be true and honest with ourselves and the people around us. Why do we only tell our deepest real feelings when we are intoxicated. Then I came to the realization that it is based upon fear of others. If you say or do something when your drunk people are less likely to think your crazy let alone remember what you have done. So you can tell people you love them or that they hurt you because at that point what do you have to lose? There is a huge chance that the other person won’t even remember
But why all these games? Why can’t you simply just be yourself and tell the whole truth all the time. Not just when you can pretend and and stand behind your wall with your guns drawn.
Human nature is something that I can’t grasp sometimes but I spend hours analyzing it. If we all just lived our lives and stopped being so afraid, hiding behind our technology and our walls then maybe we would leave this earth with no regrets and a sense of profound love for our self and others around us.
All these thoughts make me think to myself that there HAS to be more to life than just the seasons and the hidden dreams. Maybe there is a part much more. An actual joy that will change and alter the state of mind better then any drug can. That is what I want..that is what I’m looking for and dreaming about. Something more then the high of any drug. Maybe the other people my age aren’t on this kind of level yet. And I put so much pressure on them to be..But in truth many people at any age don’t even get to this sort of self realization that I have been at for a few years now.
Maybe that’s why I have never been able to fit in. My strong moral code makes it hard for me to trust the actions of others. I don’t think I am above the rest. I just simply see the potential in everyone that they haven’t yet seen. I love all my friends and family just the same. I wish they would understand that everything I do and feel is out of a love on a different level of being.