Doomsday Apocalypse Predictions
The best thing about the End of the World is that it keeps on happening. The end of the world as we know it has been predicted no fewer than 44 times.
If nothing else, doomsday is an excellent excuse to party!
A progressive president submits the United States for judgment to the newly formed United Nations Committee on Economic, Social, and Environmental Justice. The United States is declared guilty on all counts and ordered to pay $100 trillion restitution. Democrats give the UN all our money—about $53 trillion-- and declares that we cannot pay this debt so the country is filing bankruptcy. The United States is declared a ward of UN and at last the lifelong dreams of democrats, communists and progressives have been fulfilled. The United States must look up from the gutter in order to see the Mexican Economy.
2) It turned out that cellphones were not giving us brain cancer. Rather they were actually slowly turning us into brain eating zombies under Chinese control. Almost everyone everywhere becomes a mindless zombie controlled by the Chinese. They use us in waves to fight off small bands of anti-technology separatists. Since the zombies are not very clever, the separatists are determined, and the Chinese Generals are “busy” with their thousands of servants, the separatists almost win. In a coup, the colonels take over the Chinese military, nuke the separatists and rule world for the rest of time.
3) During war gaming exercises, our weapons keep accidentally shooting and killing our allies. We kept claiming that it must be substandard parts from China and our allies believed us until we kill a whole lot of their leaders on a reviewing stand. World War III was declared and all Our NATO allies were against us. The Chinese waited until the major capitals of each of the former NATO allies and the US were in smoking, radioactive ruins before revealing that it was their parts.
The parts weren’t defective rather they were infected with viruses and malware. With the infected parts under Chinese control, the Chinese took control of all the world armies. All the technology in all the weapons in the entire world had Chinese parts. Resistance, the Chinese reminded anyone who thought otherwise, is futile. Half the world’s leaders were killed with their own weapons before the other half meekly submitted to Chinese sovereignty.
4) We messed up the joke but we got the punch line right. 21 December was indeed doomsday, just not 2012.
The ancients knew something had gone wrong but they did not have the technology to determine what it was. When we finally properly decoded the ancient texts we were left with several possible scenarios:
a. The solar system periodically enters a small but dense pocket of dark matter. The dark mater sweeps up all the loose stuff lying around the solar system—comets, asteroids, meteorites, etc. and throws them in the general direction of the largest objects in the solar system. Most of the stuff goes into the sun. The resulting flares might be enough to cripple our electronics or kill us if there were no other problems to worry about.
Most of the rest of the flotsam and jetsam heads toward Jupiter and Saturn. A little of the rest goes toward earth. How much is a “little?” Well, compared to the earth, the solar system is vast. A little turned out to be enough to blanket all the continents in rubble. Yes Mr. President. That there is what we call a global extinction event. A planet killer.
b. The hidden dark matter makes the sun explode. We all die.
c. The hidden dark matter snuffs of the sun completely. We all die.
d. The cosmological constants are actually not that constant. Every 26,000 years ago we come to a soft spot in the universe where we are exposed to quantum nature of other universes and other dimensions in all their glory and everything goes haywire. All of physics and chemistry as we know comes unglued. Given that life is actually a rather delicate balancing act, everything dies. What is it that changes? Protons, which are usually about the most stable things around, decay. The weak force becomes the strongest force and electromagnetism becomes the weakest. More forces are added. Gravity goes away completely. We don’t get the see any of it. Life as we know it can’t survive.
e. The change that happens is extremely localized in that nothing outside of the planet earth notices any change. Long dormant life forms which resemble really virulent molds cover everything. All food spoils. Many living things die. Not everything dies. If you can eat the mold you are in fat city!!! Wouldn’t know it though—eating the mold turns you into a brain eating zombie.
5) In classic doomsday fashion, the petroleum exploration and fossil fuel recovery technique known as “fracking” cracks the earth’s crust at several points and sets off a mounting series of earthquakes around the globe. The earthquakes set off volcanoes. Some of the volcanoes explode and destroy most of the United States and Japan. The volcanoes pour ash into the atmosphere and cause global cooling. The global cooling ushers in a new ice age. Most people die in all the chaos. To top everything off, magnetic reversals on both the earth and the sun coupled with mass coronal ejections, wipe all our remaining technology. What few humans that are left are reduced to the Stone Age. Humanity begins again.