ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

A Fat Man on Ice Skates

Updated on July 8, 2011

Could You imagine?

Figure Skating

I’m going to take up figure skating

Don’t start laughing, please stop hating

So I’m pushing sixty, no big deal

I’ll be so graceful, dip and wheel

I’ll pirouette and not just once, but thrice

I’ll look so graceful skating their

Ample wind blowing through sparse hair

Spandex and sequins adorn my dowdy frame

I’m spavin and you know of course,

If you have ever owned a horse

That it’s a look that proves a broken frame

So one eye’s bad, my teeth look sad

But out there on two shiny blades of steel

No one will notice my beer paunch

Or the rolls of flab upon my haunches

My daring will disguise my frailties

A drum roll will precede the feat

Of grandeur and folks will stand on their seats

To get a look at the finale of my act

Skating at fantastically breakneck speed

I’ll circle the rink to perform my deed

As faster and faster and faster I go

My sparkling blades cut through the ice

My snowy wake goes into the balcony

I’m spiraling into the center now

My red hot skates, an icy plow

As faster and faster I dizzily spin around

I’ve become a blur of blinding light

The spotlight seems dim i

I’m finally in the exact middle

Bassoons boom violas fiddle

A crescendo is building a climax is nigh

We’re all one, the band, the crowd and I

The cheering is deafening the roof begins to shake

I’m 30 yards from either side, on solid ice

And yet they try to touch me with their applause

Able to restrain the moment no more

I signal my people and with a roar

A cannon shoots confetti all around

The lights go off for a nano sec

The huge crowd gasps and strains their necks

For I’m no longer in the center of the rink

But in the center of the arena now strewn with roses

Lies a silhouette in an angel pose

But my body isn’t there, I’ve disappeared

I couldn’t have gone to the side in that time

The ice wouldn’t yield it’s solidly sealed

No hoist was on the beams o’erhead

So, you may wonder, as they did too

Just how did I do it, “What did he do?”

They all queried as they left to go out to their cars

Now I’ve got a real confession to make

That whole story above is a terrible fake

I haven’t the faintest clue how to pull it off

But if you ever figure it out my friend

Follow it through to the very end

Cause you know it really seems like a hell of a trick

Though it may take many years and toil and tears

And you know it can really only happen just the once

And I’ll be in the crowd to view it

I’ll stand and cheer and scream for you to do it

And wonder what happened when I see the empty ice

And since I’ll be real old, I’ll come back to the house

And take a comfortable seat in my easy chair

I’ll turn on the tube and watch on the news

17 separate different views of the naked ice

And I’ll wonder where you’ve went.

I’ll smile to myself and say to my wife

That now I’ve finally touched someone’s life

I’ve gotten them to do what couldn’t be done

Because at the end of the day my friend

When the tally’s in and the race is won

The universe is only the size of our hat

So that’s my tale of the skating rink

It might make you laugh if you’ve just had a drink

But I absolutely positively, hopefully, made you THINK!

The End


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Seldon55 profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from Somewhere in Florida

      thanks again for reading n commenting. if you saw me in skating attire you would do Anything to get the picture out of your head...edd ie

    • profile image

      jami l. pereira 

      7 years ago

      Thanks for the visual! too darn funny !! an enjoyable adventurous creative write indeed! have a great afternoon :) voted funny ,up, and awesome!:)


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)