A Hub for the Lost and Weary
I wanted to try something new... experiment with a new format of expression for me. Write something personal, something "unplanned", something that just flows out of me. I wanted to write something reflective of my current mood, but still hopefully for the future.
I feel lost today. I feel as though I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, why I was called here, or even where I want to go after I'm done here.
I feel weary today. I feel as though I've been worn down, that I have not much left to give. And yet give I must. I feel pulled in many different directions. I feel as though I cannot make happy those whom I need to. I feel as though I have lost myself.
And so I read through some of my favorite verses in the Bible, hoping that I will read one and find some intellectual expose pouring from my fingertips to enlighten the already intelligent readers to which I write.
But perhaps the time for intellect is at a bypass. Perhaps, for now, it is time for passion.
Maybe this is something that belongs in a blog, and I become guilty of the very thing that irks me most about some hubbers on this site. Or perhaps not. Either way, this is cathartic... so even if this only ever gets two views and makes exactly $.00 on Adsense, it will still be worth it.
I'm now waffling between my desire to be cryptic and my desire to be an open book. I think, despite my emotional duress, I must pull forth the will to remain guarded... for you never know who will be reading these things, and information is best when it is divulged at exactly the right moment.
Lately I have been wondering what it is I'm called to do... my current situation is devoid of joy, its not that i'm not happy, I could live with that, but a vocation that lacks peace and joy is no vocation at all. And so I think about my passions and my desires, and I realize that I love knowledge. I also (obviously) love to write.
And so I pray about what I want in life: I want to make learning a life long process. I want to surround myself with intelligent and holy people. I want to make meaningful discourse. I want to teach. I want to express myself. I want to marry a wonderful Catholic woman and raise wonderful kids together. I want to travel the world. But most of all, I want to love God, and I want to be me.
Can I do all that here?
And so again I return to my first and last source of comfort, the Bible. I go again, to the verses that have never failed me-- Romans 8:28, Hosea 2: (14)16,Psalm 6:6, Psalm 3:3, Psalm 22:1, Psalm 51:2, Psalm 130:1,5-6, Luke 7:6, and Luke 22:44.
These have always been a comfort to me, I passionately identify with them, perhaps because, as a human, I suffer. So much have these verses been comfort to me, that most of them have inspired songs. And then I remember it, my favorite song that I've written. It goes a little like this:
Lord I'd rather spend a hundred years
Being purified by your fire of love Than just one day among this life Sitting in this valley of tears *Lord lift me up and bring me home I'm lonely here and I want only You My home was meant for your courts alone I'm restless till I rest in You Lord send an angel to me To guide me along your paths That I might see your face sooner When the dawn, breaks this night **Lord I long for resurrection And deliverance from sin Lord I await your coming When heaven comes again...
And Alas, I have peace! Oh how my heart and soul long for heaven, for union with the Blessed One! But I know, it is not for me to receive that satisfaction just yet. For now, I must build the Kingdom on Earth... and that requires just a bit of suffering, just a bit of searching, just a bit of brokenness. But oh how it will all be worth it!
I know that eventually I will live my calling. But for now, for 242 more days, I am committed to this place where I find myself. There is still work to be done in this kingdom.
© 2010 rdlang05