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A Life Lesson and a Reflection on myself
It's been 8 years...
Today, I think I can safely say that I was a little depressed, my gift of perception, my gift of foresight and my unearthly ability to look upon life and see it with clarity and not through delusional vision. I am and have been a deep person both in mind and in spirit but sadly, a lot of what I felt and perceived got clouded, as my reality got ripped from with my hands. The reality, of youth when you think you are invincible, when you think that life can only get better and better as the years pass by. I can tell you I look around, I see people always caught up in their own personal realities, I see the frailness of life and the swift, short existence we all endure, some shorter than others. Myself, I look to the future and see nothing that fills me with promise or hope. A future with my Daughters is the only thing that keeps me going, and even then my own personal life will amount to nothing. I’m not depressed, really, I just look on life with real, and I guess morbid eyes. I see the greatness of my Daughters, and I see that to be in their future I must continue to endure, to fight, to crawl if only to survive. Yes, it is worth all that I have had to, and will endure, and yet I must remind myself of this frequently.
There are some people who will never know the meaning of loss, or the pain of surviving just to see another sunrise, there are those who will live a life of false happiness, of shaped, yet empty realities. There are those who will not see another day, and some who will see that day come, and with it darkness that is life. We are humans, the most evolved of species yet easily we destroy each other, we shape ourselves to fit in with others, We use faith as a shield, and as an excuse for what is a small, Short existence.
Me, I hold a memorial for my first daughter every year, the grief and loss, that will never pass, my two other daughters, whom give me a reason, the only reason to continue. I am destined to continue my journey alone, I waited, endured, relished and ultimately lost everything I had tried to gain, To gain, you have to lose.. My wife who ultimately sought her own selfish desires, not those of family and years together as family but instead to pursue the shortness of false love, false wealth and to fool herself, to shape and live a false reality, the cost to her children and to me. I have to be honest, with all my failings I fight daily with the anger, the betrayal, and what she put me through, and continues to put me through. Time heals all wounds.. People tell me “You need to move on”, my ex-wife tells me to “move on, Get over it, and get on with my life” that is easy enough to say for someone who sidestepped into another home, another relationship and another world, forsaking all her previous love, loyalties, obligations and her honor. I have moved on, but something that stays with me, is that I lost my family, I lost everything I had worked for, my sacrifice to you, unknown was everything I had, and had known, I turned my back on it all, for her and ultimately it ended up all turning its back on me. Irony? Karma, well I am still waiting for Karma, and indeed it may never come. It’s easy to move on, in a shallow sense of things, of course I have moved on, I had to but that doesn’t mean the past never happened, that does not mean I can reverse anything I did to be here, it means as one person, alone, with my two daughters as my only life and my strength, to see them in a home, with someone who was once my wife, my everything in the arms of another man, with another baby, not of my blood causes me great pain and forever casts a shadow on my soul and my spirit. I live to show my Daughters unique, special things, to let them experience the real treasures in life, and to see them revel in those discoveries, I have taught them that the real treasures are around us, the world, the nature of life outside.
I have taught them that life exists outside, not on a computer, The real world and all its treasures are, for example, to walk down a country lane, walk alongside a creek, to walk in fields throwing hay in the air, finding shells on the beach, looking at flowers and the diversity of life that happens all around us, never sleeping, never ending. To see the wonder, and the fascination light up their young innocent faces, makes my own sad, lonely existence worthwhile. It has to, otherwise waking up each morning being a nomad of jobs, being homeless, finding a shelter and then losing it again, trying to support my girls and keep my honor and dignity is a hard, long task. A pain, and a darkness that frequently penetrates the brightness and warmth that the love of my daughters gives to me, the love I feel from them, is the only thing that keeps me breathing. My music, my writing, my artwork and who I once was, have all taken a sidestep, been lost in the darkness, I try to seek them, to find myself again, but I suspect it may never happen in this life.
I have hope, I don’t know how, or where, but I have hope, if I have nothing, but my Daughters, if I can see them grow up, to be there for them, with them, that is my hope., I look towards all other things, and see a deep, dark emptiness…
I guess it’s good to talk, you can judge, you can assume.. but you can never be me, and indeed, be thankful of that. If you think your life is ‘Great’ then I hope it is, if your life is a bowl of C*&p then trust me, it can and does get worse. If you wanted inspiration, I hope something here gave that to you, if you thought you was alone in your pain, I assure you, you are not.. me, I am just human, just a small flicker, of a little flame, ignited and snuffed out, in a nanosecond of eternal time…
My music, my artwork, my words may save me, if not then they are my gift and my legacy to my daughters, I have already wrote two books outlining my life, my love, my loss and my inspirations, it will serve them well, when I am not around anymore. They will know, what I did, what I had to do, to be there, for them.
This was originally written somewhere in 2006, which was Two years after I found her (My Ex-wife) in the mad passionate embrace with the 'other' Guy. Why did I share this with you? Well, it is important for me to share with you because in the end I realized that some of the reasons we drifted apart were my own fault I acknowledged that and realized it years a few years ago. I realized that to move on, I had to both acknowledge that I was in control of my own Future and in hindsight I made mistakes. I don't mean Sin, like looking at another Woman, fantasizing or anything like that, I am believe it or not a very ethical, responsible and good man however my mistakes were mistakes and looking back now I see them with perfect clarity. I can't however change time or go back and fix it. I can only move on and continue to exist for my Two Daughters who are my everything, my purpose and my reasons for living. I could pass this around forever, saying some of it was my fault, some of it was her fault, she betrayed me and our Vows and so on but, where does that get me, where does it take me?
It takes me down a road full of Pain and Darkness, it Leads me down a path that is self-destructive and full of Anger. That is a road and a path I did go down briefly and believe me that was more than enough for me. You see, you have to see the Light you have to release and let go of the Pain and the Dark Weight that brings you down and would happily bury you without a second thought. For me, My Daughters and my Faith were what brought me back from that Dark place. I know that she still talks bad of me and my name is Dirt even though I was not the one who betrayed everything but, and this is important..
What purpose is served by pointing fingers, blaming the other person
None, only to try to justify oneself or to try to kid yourself that you are indeed the Angel, and Apple of everyone Dreams and Eyes. Sadly, it doesn't work that way I know this and acknowledging this will in the end set you free.
Do I have regrets?
You bet I do! I am grateful of the three Daughters I have ('had') I wish I still was part of a Family, I wish I could wake up in the same Home as my Daughters and I wish we still had our own Place and Kitchen to do fun things. However, it doesn't work that way being the 'Father' in this State is like being a Criminal and everything and everyone is trying to make you wear the 'Bad Father/Deadbeat' Badge. I have to this day, moved and followed my Daughters four times and will continue to do so, I have lived in a Car for two years, held down a full-time job and survived things that would make you cringe but I am still here, still near my Daughters and still trying to survive. For me, a Partner or Lover is not on the cards again, I don't feel that I can open myself up to that Degree again.
Betrayal no matter what is painful, Learning to Forgive but not Forget is the Hardest of all Pills to Swallow but, it can be done.. when your thoughts are clear and your Heart is purged of the Dark, Negative feelings that remain and fester unless YOU see and seek Clarity.
I will continue to do so as long as I have breath in my Body
Sharing this story does one thing for me, I hope that someone out there is in that Dark place and reads this and realizes that only they, themselves can come out and step back into the Light. Your 'Ex' will not help you, the State (whichever one it is..) will not help you, the only person that can help you is ...YOU