A Message From Mom
We Create Our Own Prisons
My mother passed away in July of 2005. She was diagnosed with brain cancer in March. It was her desire to be at “home” while she waited for her time to end. She lived just four more months. Late in July she left her human body here on earth. She left behind five adult children, I am the youngest of the five.
Two of my brothers, my sister and myself had come together to take care of Mom. After learning of her diagnosis, my oldest brother drove back from Iowa with his wife, my other brother put all side jobs on hold and my sister and I made ourselves available at any time. One of my brother’s, the youngest of the boys, was in prison at the time of Moms diagnosis. He was told over the phone when he was allowed phone time. As it turned out, he was due to be released at the same time the doctors expected our mother would be failing, if not passed away. There was a chance she may get to see him before she is gone.
It felt like a race against time, where you don't really race, you do nothing. You are a victim, waiting for time to throw the punches. Your just a victim in the game of time. You wait to see how bitter time will be and hope and pray time will be fair.
It was truly awesome to see the family come together, regardless of our differences, to take care of our mother. She needed 24 hour assistance. We each had shifts. As her care became more and more demanding we shuffled our shifts around as needed. It was truly heartwarming to see us all working together so smoothly for her.
We were all hoping Mom could hold on until our other brothers release date. It was going to be so close, When I think back on it, it seems like Mom lasted until the end of July(expected date of release: late July) from the hope she had inside and the hope we provided her, that he would be released and come see her one last time. It really looked like it was going to happen.
He was released and Mom was still alive. She was close to the end but coherent and looking forward to seeing him. It didn’t turn out that way though. Alcohol is my brother’s only true love. The day he was released, he never showed up. I could go on about the decision he made that day, but I won’t. This hub isn’t about him, but I will say one last thing. My brother has sentenced himself to life in prison. He will never escape the pain and disappointment he caused our Mother and himself. He can’t escape what he did, it will be with him until the day he dies. He made the choice and now he must live with it. Enough said.
When she passed away my brother’s took care of all the arrangements pertaining to her body. Mom had shared her wishes with them of what she wanted. She had chosen cremation with her ashes scattered at sea. That’s all I was aware of, they took care of it.
Within a week of her passing away I was experiencing “suggestions”. Anyone that knows me as a writer knows that I refer to premonitions as “suggestions” because I feel like the definition fits what I experience better:
Premonition – (noun) 1. intuition of future event. 2. warning about the future.
Suggestion – (noun) 1. slight trace; a slight trace, indication, or hint of something.
At first the suggestion was faint, at the back of my mind, unimportant, yet there. The suggestion was this phrase:
"Tell ‘em its ok. Everything went just fine. I was there. I watched. They were respectful to my body and I didn‘t feel a thing. Everything is fine."
I was aware it was my mother sending it, I recogized her voice (no I didn't actually hear her voice with my ears) and more importantly I recognized the "essense of her presence upon me". It was so mild a suggestion I brushed it off thinking I was probably just day dreaming and thinking about everything that had gone on in recent months.
As the days passed the suggestion became stronger. *Her view of the cremation and crematory were coming to me now. I see her about ten feet above the ground in the southern corner of the room. She's watching them prepare her body and place it in a giant kiln. She just casually looks on. It was like she was watching a talk show or something, no sadness, no remorse...........just, watching, content, complete. She doesn't speak to me or even look my way, I just see her watching.
I could hear her voice like she had just spoken to me, reminding me to "tell 'em". I was clueless who I was supposed to tell. It had to be a family member, that was definitly the sensation I was getting.
Not knowing who exactly the message was for I didn't know how I was going to get it to the recipient. I knew it was for a family member but which one? Our mother was the only one that knew I received “suggestions”, she never told my brother’s or sister, so I had no one to talk to about this persistent message from our mother. I wasn't in the right mindset to try and explain it to anyone either.
My family had been communicating through emails while we took care of Mom and this habit continued after she passed. I received emails talking about spreading Mom’s ashes at sea and when we could all get together to do this, so I rightly assumed the cremation had been performed. You can’t spread something at sea that isn’t in a spreadable form. Throughout the email exchanges I watched for any sign of who the message may be for. Someone, at some time, would reveal a clue that the message may be for them. After two weeks of scanning emails for hints I still didn’t have a clue who it was for. All I knew was the suggestion kept coming to me stronger, clearer and very persistently, “Tell ‘em its ok. I was there. I watched. They were respectful to my body and I didn’t feel a thing. Everything is fine. Please tell ‘em.”
I came to the decision I would post the message and who it came from to all my brothers, sister and sister in law regardless of what they may think of me as a result. I knew I would sound like a lunatic to some of them and a curiosity to the others. It had become clear to me that this message needed to be passed along.
This is the email I wrote:
“Hi All, I have something I need to pass on to one of you, but I don’t know who. I know this may sound weird, but here goes anyway. I received a message from Mom. Yes, our mother that recently passed away. She conveyed to me, “someone is very worried and upset about the cremation. She wants you to know everything went fine. She says she was there when they cremated her body and everything went fine, they were respectful to her body and she didn’t feel a thing. She’s fine and you don’t need to worry.” That’s all I wanted to tell you guys, thanks for listening. ~Love, Your sister Joanna”
The next day I received one, email back. It was from my brother that had taken a large portion of her care into his hands in her last months.
The email read:
“Joanna, I can’t thank you enough for the email! I have been having an aweful time thinking about the cremation. I kept thinking that it may have hurt her or what if she felt something. I was really upset thinking about it. I feel totally better now. I am also excited to hear you have “the gift” as well as I do. I never told anyone but Mom about it. I can share some hair raising stories with you as I bet you can. We should get together and talk sometime. It’s really cool we both have it. Thanks again for passing on Mom’s message to me I needed to hear exactly that. Now maybe I will get some peace of mind. Love, Your Brother”
That was it. After I received the email from my brother, I never received the suggestion again. As a matter of fact, I have never received any suggestion from our mother ever since. Unfortunately my bother and I have never sat down and spoke about our experiences. There’s never time, and our personalities have caused us to drift apart. Life can do that. For me, it’s wonderful to know that I’m not, and never was, the only person experiencing “premonitions” or, my word for it, ”suggestions”. I would like to sit down and share experiences with him someday. I’m sure we will one day either here or there.
*It would be interesting for me to actually see the crematory someday and see if indeed it is the same as the image I received from my mother. I don't know how I would react if it was!