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Finding the Right Spouse God's Way

Updated on April 15, 2019

The other day I went to a different church than I normally go to. While I was getting coffee I saw this tall beautiful blonde woman. When I saw her, my heart went out to her in desire. Not a sexual desire, but that desire you get when you think that person would satisfy all of the heart’s longings. If I could just be with her I thought. Think of all the notoriety, fame, comfort, and rest from inadequacy that she would bring me. All my problems would be solved. It was that kind of lust. So I grabbed my coffee and didn’t think much more about that split second desire and headed into the service. Then the sermon came where Pastor Nick talked all about God’s love and when we don’t have the correct connection to His love, we end up becoming something like lovesuckers, looking to suck love from other sources. I realized that during that split second of desire for this woman, I never saw her through the eyes of the Kingdom, but only through the eyes of what she could do for me. I never thought about who she was in Christ, never thought about how I could bring the light of Christ to her, never thought about how she may need encouragement. I never thought about how I could serve her, honor her, or show the love of Christ to her without being in need of anything else from her. I never thought about being a brother to her and giving her another example of someone pointed to the Father.

And for that matter, why am I not doing that for others that deeply need such an example. Why don’t I reflect Christ to the broken, outcast, and poor?

Because I’m still such an orphan.

I look only for the things that would elevate my status, notoriety, fame, and acclaim. If I just had her as a beautiful bride, had more money, had a higher paying career. If I could just perform better to be noticed then I would be satisfied. I’m still such an orphan waiting and hoping that the next set of parents to come through the orphanage would choose me. So I get up every day, try to look good, try to perform in such a way to be chosen. If just someone would choose me for romance, for that dream job, for that next thing then all my lovesucking would be resolved and I would have found the love I’m looking for.

But even though I still struggle with an orphan spirit and all my inadequacies, I am thankful that I have already been adopted by a loving Father who delights in me and rejoices over me. I have a Father that looks on me with no shame, no regret, no accusation, no fault, no remorse, no condemnation, and no blemish. IT’S WHEN I TAKE MY EYES OFF HIM THAT MY HEART LEAPS AHEAD OF ME IN DESIRE FOR SOMETHING LESS BEAUTIFUL THAN HIM.

Even though the Lord loves me with a depth I can’t even comprehend, the reality seems to remain that I don’t have a chance with her. I’m a 32 year old introvert without the communication skills, good looks, extrovertedness, charisma, and finances for her to go for me. My inadequacies seem so deeply attached to me that there is no hope for me to attract her to myself. And so I feel left to try and navigate the desire for relationship yet feeling like my inadequacies will never allow it.

However, being primarily frustrated with all of my inadequacy assumes that she too is looking at me through her own orphan lenses and not through the eyes of how the Father sees me. Maybe I feel inadequate for her because I falsely assume she too is looking for someone to increase her status, security, self worth, and belonging. Or! She could actually be looking for someone through the eyes of the Kingdom. Maybe she is getting all of her security from the Father. Maybe she is looking for a son and not an orphan, and I’m missing out on at least getting to know her as a sister in Christ because my thought process is being warped by orphan thinking. I missed out on being a son in that moment because I was not next to the Father letting him tell me how he sees her.

I want to be your son Lord more than anything, and viewing myself with all my inadequacies first is getting in the way of advancing your Kingdom as a top priority.

I won’t make it until I start viewing women, people and my life in general with the Kingdom in mind first. If I try and win a woman through my flesh I might eventually find someone, but what is sown in the flesh will be reaped there also, and I will find someone who is also in the relationship for what she can receive from me. But if I seek first the Kingdom of God, then I start seeing women not for what they can give me but as sisters in Christ. If I remain single because I’ve put His Kingdom first, then so be it. He will give me a name that is far better than sons or daughters can give me. (Isaiah 56:4-5). The feeling of putting His Kingdom first is far better than having my heart leap ahead of me every chance it gets. It’s so much more peaceful, rewarding, restful and delightful than allowing my heart to seek love in all its lovesucking ways. Praise God for joyful singleness that is hidden in Christ quietly serving Him in joy, and praise God for the possibility of a marriage set on advancing the Kingdom of God as its primary goal.

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